Tuesday, January 14, 2014

BACHCAP Week Two!!!

Hey there kids! Evan, Sara, and I are back for more frivolity and I must say this week's categories really are the best ever I can hardly believe it. ENJOY. 

Best bowler
The Evster: I’d say the black chick. Black people love to bowl. That’s a fact. That’s just a medical fact.

ZWR: How is that a medical fact? Sounds more “socio-medical” to me. I’m going with the Elise from Forty Fort, PA. That sounds like a town that likes to bowl! Lots of pickup trucks in the parking lot and smoking inside and coal in the skill cranes!

The Evster: I’ve met like four black people in my life and they all loved to bowl. Still going with the black chick. I’ve also met one chick from Scranton and her family owned a bowling alley.

SARACIRCS: I guess this means we have to keep this category.

ZWR: Don’t sound too excited, Bazooka Mom.

If you named your kid after a Muppet which one would it be?
ZWR: I always liked Rowlf, and think it would make a killer name. Bunson is kind of cool, but a little too pretentious. In fact, I could see some corduroy-wearing, Belle & Sebastian listening dorkbeak white guy naming his kid Bunson and then being all, “Well, you know, Emily and I love science so it totally fit…” and you would rightfully want to punch him square in the chest.

The Evster: Do you have to name your kid the actual Muppet’s name? Or can you just name them after the Muppet? Because I’m named after my grandmother Elsie, but obviously my name is not Elsie. Whatever, doesn’t matter, I’d name my kid after Gonzo, because he’s the greatest comedic actor of our generashe. So my kid’s name would obviously be Garbonzo. Garflonzo if it was a girl.

SARACIRCS: Huh. That’s funny. I’m named after my father’s grandmother Sara. And THAT’S how you name somebody after somebody. BOOM. Anyway, I’d probably pick Gonzo too. He’s very sensual.

Did you wear socks during the ep?
SARACIRCS: Yeah. Floor is cold, dawgs.

ZWR: No socks, but I was wearing my man Uggs slippers. Because I’m a BALLER.

The Evster: I guess this means we have to keep this category.

How good would you be as a contestant on The Bachelor?
SARACIRCS: Depends. If he took me to that goddamn electric rave, horrible. Seriously, Kay or Skat or whatever her name is deserves a thousand glow bras for going along with that. On the other hand, I’d kill on a group date, because I come off as sweet and non-threatening (and short) so girls generally like me, but I’m also fucking awesome so the bach would fall in love with me. Also I’m not afraid to shove a drunk Brazilian into a pool.

ZWR: Bro no offense Sara Circs but that’s an awful strategy. Jane Q Wallflower isn’t making out with Juan Pabs in a hot tub. Nope. Skeezebag McGee and Drama Crazington are. Now I’m not telling you to be a skeezebag or an unnecessary drama, but I am telling you that I like making up names based on personalities. In answer to the question at hand, I’d be a horrible contestant, because I’m a man with a wife and two kids. But I’d have totally owned that electric rave. GRIND CITY, USA. MAYOR - ME!!!

SARACIRCS: So weird--I roomed with Drama Crazington my sophomore year! Small world. Anyway, totally disagree re: strategy. I think we all know the best strategy for winning is to be an insane model. Second best is seeming cool to a large number of people.

The Evster: I would have sex with every single person I could. Just constant sex. If I didn’t die of AIDS at the end of the season, I’d consider the whole “journey” to be a massive failure.

Woman most likely to join a cult (including Scientology, which is a cult)
SARACIRCS: The one who was convinced to be made up as a bald giraffe for the photoshoot. No chance she will recover from that humiliation. The shame she has brought upon her family.

ZWR: Question- was the Bachelor seriously close to having a girl in blackface there? I was uncomfortable. Another question- does dog walker have a lazy eye. JUST ASKING.

To answer the question, I’m feeling Claire. She has that “longing for acceptance” vibe that I can see being totally manipulated.

The Evster: That first lady. Clare. No “i” in her name, Zoo, which shows just how crazy she really is. What the hell was going on during that first date? She kept saying how magical everything was and how nothing could possibly compare to frolicking in fake snow with a man she just met. Juan Pabs essentially took her to an attic covered in insulation. I don’t know if that makes sense -- I was trying to say that the soft insulation in your attic kind of resembles the weird, fluffy material they were frolicking in last night. Normally jokes are much better when you have to explain them.

ZWR: What’s an “attic”?

Did you guys notice how everyone on the group date (including Juan Pabs!) had color coordinated outfits?!?!?!!
SARACIRCS: Why yes! Yes I did. It was like this warm red purple scheme that was rather aesthetically pleasing but WAS IT INTENTIONAL??!! I’ve got to know! Omg wait the color scheme was repeated in the ensuing M&M commercial. (My husband is currently trying to repeat Juan Pablo’s line from that commersh (en espanol!). He thought you’d like that info as “a little bit of local color. Ha! No color pun intended!)

The Evster: I noticed that you could see one woman’s urethra because her shorts were so short. I loved her.

ZWR: What’s with those necklaces with the straight metal line at the bottom? Is that a thing? I don’t like it. Evster, you’re not alone. When Juan Pabs was on the date with that chick in the short shorts the Nag yelled out, “I can see her cooch!”

The Evster: Another thing about these group date outfits: so Lucy -- the free spirit who doesn’t wear shoes -- said she didn’t want a dog to pee on her leg because she was wearing someone else’s shoes. So did she not bring ANY shoes with her? And if so, doesn’t borrowing someone’s shoes completely negate the free spirit of not wearing shoes? Is she going to be borrowing people’s shoes all season? Do people just let other people borrow their shoes?! I’m guessing that she DID bring shoes, which makes it even weirder that she’d borrow someone’s shoes on the first group date, because you’d think that for her first group date on national television that she would’ve planned what she was going to wear beforehand. Just like on the first day of school. You don’t just wake up that morning and throw something together. YOU PLAN THAT ISHT OUT THE NIGHT BEFORE! Laying out your stupid neon t-shirt, and your dumb socks. Are you guys with me here OR WHAT?!

SARACIRCS: YES!! But maybe she just didn’t like the shoes she had to choose from. It happens.

ZWR: Dude she’s apparently some rich socialite who hangs out with Kate Upton and boinked the donk who founded (found?) Snapchat. Is nothing sacred anymore? I can’t even believe in The Bachelor?

SARACIRCS: This doesn’t surprise me at all. I was getting an obnoxious, overprivileged vibe from her. Sorry am I taking this discussion too seriously?

The Evster: I support her in all of her sexual endeavors.

ZWR: Concur. #boinking

Favorite thing so far about Juan Pabs
SARACIRCS: I have to admit, I kinnnnnnnda respected that he ditched Victoria as unfit-mother-material. She was obviously a plant, though, right? None of that Victoria business made any sense, and even in all the excitement it managed to be kind of boring.


As for Juan Pabs, it’s the same thing that I have always loved: every time he speaks to a girl, it comes across as if he’s inviting her to have sex with him. But it’s not all frat bro threatening and disgusting. He has Latin charm. No matter what he’s doing, what I’m reading is, “hey there why-a don’t-a we have the sex it will be beautiful.” And it would be beautiful.

The Evster: I think he’s a genuinely nice person who understands that the way to a woman’s heart is through her butt.


  1. Yo, I actually watched the Bach last night, and I have no fargling idea what you people are talking about.

  2. ClaIre spelled correctlyJanuary 14, 2014 at 2:44 PM

    I am in total agreement with Evan about Clare being cray crazy because she spells her name wrong. So true.


  3. Clare's Dead Dad DVDJanuary 14, 2014 at 6:36 PM

    Can't wait until JUANPABS watches me!

  4. Yo, Penguin! You do realize there was an actual Roy Halladay tidbit of info today, don't you?


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