Monday, January 6, 2014

Eagles Playoff Week 1 Report Card : (

ZWR: Before I start, let’s just get this out of the way: I’m not going to make sense. I’m angry and sad and couldn’t even fall asleep Saturday night so don’t bother being all, “Well actually ZWR you can’t confidently state that because the fallacy of perceived outcome is a logic pitfall also the DVOAO rankings actually suggest that ____ is good at ____” go screw with that stuff I get it you read Freakonomics and like Bill Barnwell WHATEVS. Onto my expert #analysis

That sack. THAT SACK. Oh my god, Nickypooh, why on earth did you take that sack? Grade: HOW THE F@#& DO YOU TAKE THAT SACK WHY?

Photo: The Advocate

Going Hardinger: Ditto what Zoo said. I was there. I spent a lot of money on nice tickets to see them lose. I couldn’t sleep either. The sack was awful and Foles seemed to check down a couple times instead of taking shots downfield but overall I didn’t think he was terrible. You expect a kicker you drafted in the 4th round to be able to kick a 48-yard field goal without the ball spinning sideways like Leo DiCaprio’s stupid top in “Inception”. Foles played well enough to win. Grade: B

Bobby Big Wheel: WE FIRED KEVIN GILBRIDE! WE FIRED KEVIN GILBRIDE! WE FIRED KEVIN GILBRIDE! Oh, and congrats on your first place trophy this year, guys.

ZWR: You’re just showing how awful of a person you are and I won’t stop you.

The Evster: Poor Folesy. He seems like such a nice guy. I wish he’d get a proper haircut though. Lotta time this offseason to work on new, hot styles. Grade: B

DG: I don’t want to overreact or be a downer at the end of a surprisingly excellent season from a guy I had like two teeny weeny kernels of confidence in -- max -- five months ago, but if someone doesn’t lock Nick Foles in a film room with enough water and vitamins to last him till July and a VHS tape titled “How To Throw The Ball Away,” I will burn the Novacare complex to the ground. Still love him. Great season. But that’s a promise.

Running Back
ZWR: Can’t really fault Shady for the runs that didn’t work-- on those the defenders were on him immediately. He was awesome, per usual. He is always awesome. Also, I know folks are lamenting our lack of a fullback, but I’m okay with not having one (for whatever that’s worth). Grade: A+++++++++ forever.

Going Hardinger: Seemed like there were 3 dudes on Shady at or behind the line of scrimmage every single carry. Can’t happen against the 19th-ranked run defense in the NFL. Grade: A+ forever

Bobby Big Wheel: Hey, at least the Redskins made total asses of themselves again. Can we at least agree that Dan Snyder is the most disgusting human being owning an NFL team today? Grade: Evil.

The Evster: OUR TEAM JUST LOST AND THE SEASON IS OVER, WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT DAN SNYDER? No one wants to talk about the stupid Redskins or the dumb Giants, Bobby. Also, who the hell is named Bobby these days? Bobby Orr can suck my butt. Shady is the best ever. Grade: A forevs

DG: Someone make me a compilation of Shady’s best cuts and jukes set to Here Comes the Hotstepper.

ZWR: That Riley Cooper play was the inverse of the Jurevicius one because of course it is we’re Philadelphia. DeSean was not a factor until that guy I never heard of who apparently is the most amazing cornerback ever hurt his brain, and Jason Avant (as much as I love him and his Jesus Jazz Hands) is possibly the least explosive receiver in the NFL. I was super impressed with Ertz, because he was impressive. That guy is good. Now we need to get Jeremy Maclin back on one of those “Bro yeah sure I’ll play for Chip for a year and get 1000 yards/12 touchdowns and that’ll land me a huge deal” contracts or find us a dope sauce legit bomb second receiver, which’ll allow Coops to take over Avant’s role. Grade: B

Going Hardinger: I was in the 6th row on the 15-yard line and the Riley Cooper play happened pretty much right in front of me. I saw everything in real time. I saw it again shortly after the field goal went through the uprights to end the game. I saw it on the train ride home. I saw it as I ate the most depressing frozen pizza of my life alone in the dark at my kitchen table at 2:15 AM. I saw it when I tried to sleep but instead stared at my ceiling fan for like 3 straight hours. What makes it even more of a shame is he had a very good game otherwise. Inexcusable to not get Desean involved earlier in the game. Grade: B

Bobby Big Wheel: Riley Cooper has overcome so much. He’s a real role model to people like Phil Robertson and that girl who said black people get AIDS. Grade: KKK

The Evster: I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t throw at least 15 moon balls a game to D-Jax. You have the game’s best moon ball launcher since Jeff Blake (RIP Jeff Blake) and yet there were still so few moon balls launched. I love Chip Kelly and I love quick bing-bong play-calling and I love Jaccpot Records, but I just want more moon balls. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Nick Foles can throw a ball to the goddamn moon. So in case you didn’t quite grasp what I was saying in this here paragraph, I would like to see more more balls. And yes, I know the season is over, I mean next year. Also moon bounces are amazing. Shout out to Lewis from Revenge of the Nerds. Grade: C

DG: Everything Evster said. Not getting the ball to Desean was a travesty. I would have settled for a 10-yard gain on a quick screen followed by a 15-yard penalty for taunting after he did the Terio dance while standing on the Saints training table. Gotta get my man involved.

Offensive Line
ZWR: These guys are good, but it seemed like New Orleans was getting consistent pressure. Admittedly some of the sacks (or at least THAT SACK) were on Foles, but Shady got corralled more than you’d expect. Sigh. Grade: Whatever, we lost.

There’s no food category this week so I’ll just go ahead and note here that I did elect to go with cheesesteaks for dinner. Provo-without. Grade: Taste like yummers, Philly like mummers. Note: Evster, hope you didn’t poop yourself again.

Going Hardinger: Got manhandled at the point of attack. 77 yards on 21 carries for the leading rushing attack in the NFL. Really disappointing performance since the running game was the major advantage the Eagles had over the Saints coming in and they lost it. I didn’t eat dinner. Grade: F

Bobby Big Wheel: I prefer roast pork with broccoli rabe to cheesesteaks. IMO. Grade: New York sandwiches are better anyway

The Evster: I had a salad for dinner. An actual salad. I’m sorry everybody. Grade: C+ (It was a pretty good salad.)

DG: I had a big bowl of soup and then I soaked up most of the broth with crusty bread and drank the rest out of the bowl. Hi, I’m 1000 years old.

ZWR: Well thank goodness at least we know now why we lost. Playoff game on a Saturday night and these dorks are eating soup and a salad. SMDH.

Defensive Line
ZWR: We might need guys who can get sacks or at least near the quarterback. I’m no coach, and I don’t know if that’s needed in a 3-4 scheme or whatever, but it seems important, no?

Going Hardinger: Fletcher Cox disappeared down the stretch. Cedric Thornton disappeared down the stretch. These guys were the first line of defense in allowing the Saints to run for 185 yards while missing Pierre Thomas. That can’t happen. Grade: D-

The Evster: No idea who any of those people are. Grade: C-

Bobby Big Wheel: I thought you guys were going up against a rookie left tackle making his third start or something. Oh well, maybe he looked easier on TV. Grade: R

DG: We need a big fat guy in the middle to help us stop the run. Really, really fat. HUGE. I’m talking so fat that you could stand him next to other fat guys and people who be all like “Who’s that fat guy standing with all those skinny guys?” Like a heavier version of Gilbert Brown. Just unhealthy. 450 pounds, minimum. So big that when your mom sees a shot of him during a game she physically recoils in horror. Remember that one shot in the Big Pun video where he’s standing on a motorcycle and it looks like some normal-sized dude stole his little brother’s mini-bike. Like that. But much, much bigger.

ZWR: How hilarious would it be if a Philly cover band did Dave Matthew’s “Don’t Drink the Water” and at the big dumb crescendo the singer was all, “DON’T DRINK THE WOODER, DON’T DRINK THE WOOOOOOODER, THERE’S BLOOD IN THE WOOOOOOOODER, DON’T DRINK THE WOOOOOOOOODER, CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZ!”

DeMeco had a big pick and Kendricks is solid. Grade: B

Bobby Big Wheel: New York City tap water is delicious. Grade: Yum

Going Hardinger: Trent Cole was pretty invisible going up against a rookie LT making his 3rd start. That can’t happen. DeMeco had a good game. They contained Jimmy Graham. Can’t ask for much more out of them. Grade: B

The Evster: I can’t believe you guys haven’t talked about Connor Barwin continually blasting Jimmy Graham at the line of scrimms. I loved all that blasting. That’s pretty much all what I want in a linebacker: continual blasting. Also laterals. Grade: B+

DG: I like these guys. Also, I just realized I haven’t given out a single grade to anyone in like three weeks. I would be an excellent teacher.

ZWR: I guess they played well? Oh, that’s right, Patrick Chung happened at just the right time at a crucial point late in the game. That guy, I tell ya.

Going Hardinger: Nice pick for Bradley Fletcher. Cary Williams seemed to hold Marques Colston in check. Nate Allen continued his stunning resurrection. Earl Wolff was active but didn’t play so of course we were treated to another episode of the critically unacclaimed Patrick Chung show which ended exactly how you’d expect. Grade: B

Bobby Big Wheel: The entire time I was like why isn’t Jimmy Graham lighting it up? So there’s that. Grade: B+

The Evster: The Boynkinator is by far my favorite Eagle since Byron Evans. I’m really looking forward to seeing who he boinks over the offseason. Is he on Snapchat? Grade: A-

DG: Patrick Chung takes such awful routes to the ball that Ruben Amaro just signed him to a 2-year, $15 million contract and declared him the Phillies starting left fielder.


Special Teams
Editor’s Note: ZWR Hall of Famer and endowed chair Cranekicker has asked for the floor:

CK: F*** Alex Henery.

ZWR: Concur. Grade: F

Bobby Big Wheel: More like Alex Miss-ery, amirite? Grade: Wide Left (or right, I forget which one)

Going Hardinger: I knew off the foot Henery’s kick was going to miss. Why was it spinning like that? We drafted him in the 4th round and meanwhile Justin Tucker and his bionic leg for the Ravens went undrafted. And Shayne Graham went 4/4 on FGs and they signed him off the street 2 weeks ago. And good lord the kickoffs they were all so short. And the coverage seemed shoddy all game and it finally got them at the end. Grade: F-

Oh and one more point if you didn’t already feel like slicing your wrists: The Eagles are 2 for 5 on field goals in their past 2 playoff games, both of which were losses by a combined 7 points. I want to die.

The Evster: Donnie Jones proved this year that has a legitimate Donkey Kong dong. Big ups to DJ and his DKD. Grade: F

DG: I hope the lesson Chip Kelly takes away from this game is to go for it on fourth down 100% of the time from now on. Don’t even carry a kicker. Let Desean handle kickoffs. I think he’d enjoy it

The Season as a Whole
ZWR: Or, as I like to call this category, a chance to finish off here with some perspective or be at least a bit rational. Listen, we had the fourth pick in the draft for a reason-- we stunk like poop last year. We didn’t know if we had a quarterback. We were rightfully excited about Chip, but, I mean, you never know. Jeremy Maclin tore his ACL and we were starting a racist white wide receiver who never really did anything before. Our defense could generously be described as patchwork. All of that- and we won ten games and the division. That is as good of an outcome as we reasonably could have hoped for. Doesn’t make the loss hurt any less, and you’re still allowed to want to punch Alex Henery in his giraffe neck, but it was a good ride. Grade: A-

Going Hardinger: Let me preface my thoughts by saying that I’m still really upset that I payed $200 for tickets in the 6th row only to get a slow, agonizing kick to the dick from Drew Brees and Shayne Graham. And I definitely feel somewhat guilty being this angry and hurt and upset and depressed for pretty much everything stated above by Zoo but the fact remains: this was a golden opportunity for them. Everyone else in the division had a down year (looking at you, Robert Big Wheel). They had an easier schedule by virtue of playing the last place teams last year. They play Seattle, Carolina, @San Fran, @Arizona, @Indy, and @Green Bay in addition to a much improved divisional slate. And they were maybe the healthiest team in NFL history during the season. After Maclin (and 2 other depth guys) were put on IR in training camp, they didn’t place another player on IR all season. The only starter they were missing at the end of the year was Earl Wolff. Nick Foles had an incredible run with a ratio of 29 TDs and 2 INTs that doesn’t seem sustainable over the long run. It seems like they’ve got a good foundation in place for the future, but it seemed like the Redskins did last season too. Who knows? It’s SO hard to get to the playoffs. And when you get there and lose a very, very winnable game at home, it’s a tough pill to swallow. Who knows when we’ll get back here again? This is a big offseason for them. With the right moves, they’re a potential Super Bowl contender. With the wrong moves, they could be on the golf course in January. Bottom line: it was a fantastic season that wildly exceeded expectations with an incredible frustrating and disappointing ending. Knowing that if Riley Cooper had caught that crossing pattern or if Nick Foles hadn’t taken that sack or if Alex Henery had made that field goal or if Colt Anderson had kept contain or if they had gone for it on 4th and 1 at the 7 down 20-14 they could be getting ready to play in Carolina next weekend is a tough thing to come to terms with. But it’s a feeling that, even at 19, I’m getting entirely too used to. This is Philadelphia. The first thing I did when I woke up was watch the highlights from the Flyers win last night. Can’t wait to get punched in the dick again when they lose to the Capitals in 6 games in the 1st round of the playoffs in April. This is Philly sports. This is what we signed up for. Can’t wait for August. Go Eagles forever. Philly forever.Grade: A-

Bobby Big Wheel: If you told me before the season the Giants would go 7-9 but the Redskins would implode and not get their draft pick in a loaded draft (LOL), the Cowboys would choke the last week of the season and miss the playoffs and the Eagles would make the playoffs but lose in the first round and we’d FIRE KEVIN GILBRIDE at the end of the season I would’ve taken it. It’s good to be the Big Wheel. Grade: FIRE KEVIN GILBRIDE.

The Evster: Watching the Eagles was a lot of fun this year and that’s alright by me. Every day we wake up in the morning is a blessing. There are places on this earth where you can pay women and they will have sex with you. Grade: A

DG: God bless Chip Kelly.

1 comment:

  1. "And the award for best comment in this article goes to..."

    "It's a tie! the award goes to both DG: Patrick Chung takes such awful routes to the ball that Ruben Amaro just signed him to a 2-year, $15 million contract and declared him the Phillies starting left fielder.


    ZWR: you’re still allowed to want to punch Alex Henery in his giraffe neck!"


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