Friday, January 3, 2014

Eagles vs Saints Playoff Preview

With the NFL playoffs upon us, the ZWR Report Card crew is so swept up in the drama and excitement that we decided to ratchet up the #analysis with an Eagles v. Saints preview. Below you’ll find some of the keys to Saturday evening’s game, our take on crucial matchups and schematics, and more of the tell-tale brilliance that makes us the best in the business.

Matchup You’re Looking Forward To
ZWR: Kurt Coleman vs. everyone (and their shoes). Can you imagine him trying to catch and/or tackle Darren Sproles? OMG yesplease. “But ZWR that’s not funny we need to D it the up it’s the playoffs!!!” Chill bro we’re going to score 87 Chip’s got this.

Danger Guerrero: LeSean McCoy versus the laws of physics. It's been a tough year for the laws of physics, what with McCoy running roughshod over them week-in, week-out. Some think maybe they're due for a bounce-back performance where they limit McCoy to only motions and movements that can be explained by theories that are commonly accepted by upstanding members of the scientific community. This analyst disagrees.

The Evster: Brandon Boykins vs. every Eagles cheerleader. This guy is a total boink machine. I’m honestly so proud of him. No idea what I’m talking about.

Going Hardinger: Chip Kelly vs. conventional wisdom because Chip Kelly rules and if you think he’s going to go all conservative Andy Reid style on us now that we’re in the playoffs THINK AGAIN because Chip Kelly is in his office RIGHT NOW as you read this drawing up a play where Jason Kelce is the only offensive lineman and Jason Peters, Evan Mathis, Todd Herremans, and Lane Johnson are all split out to the left with Desean Jackson behind them for the best screen pass ever.

Give Us Your Break-Out Star Prediction
ZWR: Vinny Curry strip sack game-changer he’s still on the team right?

Danger Guerrero: Bryce Brown in the billiards room with the candlestick.

Going Hardinger: Zach Ertz. 60 yards and a score for Z-Money.

The Evster: I think that guy Kyle Mooney on Saturday Night Live is going to be the next big thing. Have you seen this video that he made a couple years ago from the Lakers championship parade? ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT AND TOTALLY WORTH WATCHING.

ZWR: I haven’t seen that. Thanks for sharing.

Going Hardinger: My personal favorite Kyle Mooney video:

ZWR: Hey guys are we done with this guys videos now? Might we move on with the hard-hitting NFL analysis, please?

The Evster: Yes, Zoo. Let's move on to the next analytical topic.

Write A Poem To Donnie Jones
You know, we've been together for some time and
I've been experiencin' some kind of
Feelings that's changed and rearranged
For the better
And I hope that you been feeling the same way
And pray that you ain't runnin game.
Hey, just whatta you have to say?

As I sit here thinkin' 'bout you, suddenly I feel ashamed
(You do?)
The feelings deep inside me suddenly begin to change.
When I see your face and hear your voice
I seem to lose despair
I give a lasting overjoyed whenever you are near

Ownlee U (Ownlee U)
Can make me do the things I do
Y-O-U (Y-O-U )
Can make me bring the world to you
Yes it's true (Yes it's true, o ho)
It's you and ownlee U (It's you and ownlee U)

Well, you seeem to know what I'm saying
But let me just explain once more, okay?
Check it out

It don't take a genius to know I care for you
Love, cherish, respect, and always be there for you
Why not? It's quite simple
A love affair like this i could truly get my heart into
Haven't you? 'Cause you're my morning flower
For you I'd give my fortune, fame and power.
No, I'm not kiddin'
But shouldn't we just enjoy this and take it as it is
You do?
So do I
Don't you see that you're the apple in my sleepy eyes
My dear, I must confess
That I'm your love slave and you're my emperess
I love you like a wife, mother, sister, or daughter
Worship your every move, even drink your bathwater!
I'm not playin', it's true.
And my love is for ownlee U

Ownlee U (Ownlee U)
Can make me do the things I do
Y-O-U (Y-O-U )
Can make me bring the world to you
Yes it's true (Yes it's true)
It's you and Ownlee U

I see you got the picture.
So come over hear and let's get freaky.
You ready?
One-and-a, two-and-a
I wanna do it like (Uhh!)
And give it to you just like (Uhh!)
Come over here and do it like (Uhh!)
Turn around and I do a little sun'in' like (Uhh!)
Two times (Uhh! Uhh!)
One more time, hit it! (Uhh!)
Wha? Wha?

Let me take you by the hand
And talk to you just for a while (uh huh)
And I'll kiss your cheek and say sweet things
Just to see you smile
Cause your smile brightens my day
And turns my grey skies blue
The reason that I'm happy
I'm happy 'cause of you

Eh, Eh, Only you
Can make me do all the things I do
(If it's true, I'm in love with you)
I'm stuck to you just like crazy glue
(Call me up for a little rendevous)

I'm not the kind of guy who just likes to
slam, bam, thank you m'am, then I'm through
You're the only one for me.
Yep, just you.
You and only you
'Cause of the things you do.
Don't you see I'm the one for you
These words are true
And my love is for

Ownlee U (Ownlee U)
Make me do the things I do
Y-O-U (Y-O-U )
Can make me bring the world to you
Yes it's true (Yes it's true)
It's you and ownlee U

C'mon sweetheart. Let's go home.

Danger Guerrero:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Punting is stupid

The Evster: I’m gonna go with a rap instead --

Uh, uh, one two, one two uh
Donnie Jones poochin’ punts and only using one shoe, uh
JK y’all, JK JK
Only an idiot would punt with one shoe what are you crazy?

Going Hardinger:
There is a place where the field ends
And before the end zone begins.
And there teams do not want to be.
So far away from their goal
And so close to an impending doom.
They want nothing more than to leave this place
Where the field ends but before the end zone begins.
This place is inside their own 20 yard line
But before their own goal line
An offense can go insane if it spends too much time there
And Lose faith in everything real and tangible.
An offense can start to feel like the world is collapsing in on them
And there is no escape from this place
Inside their own 20 yard line
But before their end zone.
Donnie Jones lives to trap opposing offenses in here.
33 times this season he has broken an offense’s spirit.
He will do it 2 more times on Saturday night.

Saturday Prime-Time Jawn-- What Are You Doing For Dinner?
ZWR: This is a tough one. I’m torn between ordering a bazillion wings (all hot, ten spicy Asian for the Nag plz) and making up a cheesesteak. Wings are probably my favorite “watching football” food, but cheesesteaks satisfy my irrational desire to be as “Philadelphia” as possible during the game. But yeah I’m leaning wings.

Danger Guerrero: I'm gonna get a bunch of crawfish and whip batteries at them while they scurry around my apartment for a while before I toss them in the pot. (Note: Not true.)

Going Hardinger: I might be going to the game. If so, I’ll probably grab a cheesesteak somewhere downtown because Philadelphia and all (pro tip: Jim’s is the truth). If I’m at home, I’ll eat whatever my mom makes before the game (probably some sort of grilled chicken) since I get too stressed to eat during the games because I am a huge dork. Also my brother just got a job as a Papa John’s delivery guy and gets 30% off pizza so that’s an option. Your main takeaway should be that I have no idea what I’m doing yet and haven’t done any planning for Saturday night whatsoever.

The Evster: My wife brought up this thing to me the other day called a Budget Fast, where basically you try to go 21 days without spending any money on anything, and for some reason I agreed to it (I wasn’t really paying attention when she was talking), so I imagine we’ll just end up eating cereal and/or clementines (which are totally in season!).

Going Hardinger: Remind me to never get married and/or old.

ZWR: Wait what. No. What you’re going to do is eat whatever you ate during the Cowboys game and tell Pinterest McGoodplan to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine!

The Evster: I think I ate two pizzas during the Cowboys game, had a massive diarrhea explosion, and then missed most of the third quarter.

ZWR: Yeah - and they WON THE DIVISION. No lie, half my house is Pinterest ideas. I came home today and there were old-fashioned crate things with mason jars full of homemade candles or some poop in our hallway.

Danger Guerrero: To recap: One of us is on some sort of Gwyneth Paltrow diet, one of us is thinking about ordering Papa John's, and ZWR might get drunk and try to drink a candle. The Eagles are doomed.

Why The Saints Eat Butt
ZWR: I’m going to actually write this to the Saints. Guys, you look so stupid when you wear black pants with your black jerseys. I’m talking REALLY stupid. I can’t decide if you look more like a high school team trying to be intimidating of if you’re in your pajamas, but neither of those options is terribly good. Come on, you’re in the NFL, act like it.

Photo: Uni-watch

Danger Guerrero: Butt is a longtime staple of a traditional Cajun diet.

Going Hardinger: Because Aaron Brooks was the homeless man sleeping in the Walnut-Locust subway station who smells strongly of urine’s Michael Vick the entire time they shared a division.

The Evster: Bobby Eh-bear? Whatever, Herbert.

ZWR: Dude, Bobby Herbert had to have been Jake Delhomme’s idol growing up.

Superdome? More Like ___________

Danger Guerrero. SUPERDUMB #naileditsomewhatless

The Evster: The Harry Connick Juniordome. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get my #NAILS done.

Going Hardinger: The GrouperDome (because grouper have 2 eyes on one side of their head like I assume most Saints fans do and grouper rhymes with super yes I know this is easily the worst response of the 4 stop making fun of me)

Danger Guerrero: More like Going Softinger.

ZWR: REMINDER- never get married or old.

OMG Remember That Time?
ZWR: It’s a three-way tie between when:
(i) Reggie White sacked Bobby Herbert for a sack in the 1992 playoff game at the Superdumb?
(iii) Andre Waters ran across the field after an Eagles-Saints game, ripped off Eric Martin’s helmet, punched him in the head, and then peaced out!!!

Danger Guerrero: That girl wore the F*** Da Eagles shirt to an Eagles-Saints game and they showed it on television. I wonder what she's up to. Someone should hook her up with tickets and an all expenses trip to Philly for the weekend. I think she'd have fun.

Going Hardinger: Seriously it has to be Sheldon Brown altering the tilt of the Earth on its axis while simultaneously causing Reggie Bush to vacate his bowels on the field.

The Evster: I made it through a whole game without getting diarrhea. Me neiths.


  1. DG's analysis of Shady's ability is not only 100% accurate, its around 154982% accurate. What does a running back do when he relies on quick moves and cut backs when there is 6 inches of snow on the ground? Lose traction? Or run for 217 yards? I rest my case **MIC DROP**

  2. I saw that girl in the t-shirt on tv during the game. Made me so mad! Rude, Rude, Rude!


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