Wednesday, January 15, 2014

ZWR NBA Insider Jacob Checks In

The NBA is back (has been for awhile now), and that means your official ZWR NBA Insider is back, too (probably should have been for awhile now). Before diving too deep into the real story of this season, let’s get you caught up on what has already happened:
  • LeBron is still very good
  • The Spurs are still very good
  • Kobe and DRose both died when their planes crashed into each other midair (RIP).
  • JR Smith keeps trying to untie people’s shoes
Okay that is pretty much the season in a nutshell, so let’s get to the good stuff.

Basketball is a sport played by warriors who would rather have their beating hearts ripped out of their chests in front of their entire village than ever lose even one game. Well, usually. Sometimes it’s played by a bunch of dudes who really want to win but also don’t have much of an incentive to and also aren’t super good. Mix that with the fact that the person signing their paychecks basically wants them to lose and you get a super exciting brand of hot garbage.

For instance: the Utah Jazz have given up 40+ points in a game to one player on three separate occasions this year. There have only been fifteen of those games total this season, so the Jazz are responsible for 20% of the instances of a player just toasting another team’s sh*t this year. Good stuff guys. Congrats to Gordon Hayward on getting a new sword on World of Warcraft or whatever.

Why would any team want to lose? Why would any team want to show up night in and night out to get their butts handed to them on regional television with upwards of 500 people watching? Well this year’s draft is thought to be one of the most loaded drafts in a long time, and there are players who will be available that can change the fortunes of franchises for years to come.
  • Jabari “Mormon” Parker - Mormon, will probably have to take two years off at some point or have his parents be disappointed in him while he swims in pools filled with liquid gold and hot women. Sucks on defense.
  • Dante “that gross peanut butter stuff that Australians love that I can’t think of the name of right now” Exum - Australian, probably says “mate” a lot. I misspelled Australia in a spelling bee in eighth grade.
  • Julius “THUNDER” Randle - Built like what the child of a Mack truck and a Tyrannosaurus Rex would be built like.
  • Marcus “Holy Sh*t” Smart - I have nothing bad to say about Marcus Smart. He will average 50 points per game as a rookie.
  • Andrew “Basketball Player” Wiggins - can dunk.
So we have five players there that are thought to be able to instantly make an impact in the league, which means we need five teams that suck ass to come give them a home. The five worst records in the NBA? Boston (.342), Philly (.324), Utah (.316), Orlando (.270), and Milwaukee (.194 (holy butt)).

BOSTON CELTICS: Eff the Celtics I hope they suck forever. Kevin Garnett is a dick and I don’t care if he plays for the Nets now AND YOU CAN TELL EVERYBODY. (Editor's Note: Concur)

PHILADELPHIA 76ERS: Although the ‘Sixers have struggled to find shitty, contested looks without Swaggy P this year, they’ve done a fine job of losing at an impressive clip. The season got off to a tumultuous start with the team winning their first three games and looking like they might blow any chance at Jabari Parker. They have since righted the ship though and now sit firmly near the bottom of the horrendous Eastern Conference. Currently in the midst of a four game losing streak, it looks like this team has only just begun to drown.

God that Photoshop rules.

UTAH JAZZ: This team started off the season pretty terribly and has continued to do bad so good for them. Most of their team went to Belmont but I don’t think they played basketball there, just studied physical therapy and chilled from what I can tell. They do have Rudy Gobert who has been described by himself as “Taller Javale McGee meets young and athletic Dikembe Mutombo at Denver” (seriously check out

ORLANDO MAGIC: Orlando still has a basketball team apparently.


MILWAUKEE BUCKS: The Bucks have been awful on a whole different level this year and are the early favorites to have best odds of winning the huge thumb wrestling tournament that will determine this year’s draft order. This team, lead by Wipeout host John Henson, has lost to the teams they’re supposed to lose to (0-11 against teams with records over .500) and lost to the teams that suck (7-18 against teams with records below .500). There’s no “playing down or up to the level of our opponent”, there’s no “off nights”, there’s just total and complete crap. These guys are committed and we should all respect their efforts. I hope whoever they take is a bust because Wisconsin is dumb (EAT ME RYAN BRAUN/AARON RODGERS).

FUN FACT: the only team in the last five years with an ORtg lower than the Bucks was that Charlotte team that was so bad even Michael Jordan had to admit that he sucks at something. That’s right, the Michael Jordan that drafted Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison looked at that Bobcats team and said, “Sh*t I messed this one up.”

Well, there you have it, the race to the bottom is on and I am excited to be here for it. I hope you are too. I’m sorry I wrote this, and I’m sorry if you read it.

You can follow Jacob on Twitter here

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