Hey there kids. The Bach brought it with two episodes this week, so Evan, Sara, and I decided to recap both and then drop this OMNIBUS BOLG POST on your big dumb faces. It even gets pretty heated in part two, when we disagree on the efficacy of Andi's ridiculousness.
PART ONE - MONDAY NIGHT’S EP
ZWR: OMG Nikki’s dad is a dork. I don’t like any father on that show who’s all, “well yeah sure you boinked a chick in the ocean last Thursday and then made out with fourteen chicks in the hot tub this weekend but I’d be thrilled if you proposed to my idiot daughter you fame whore.” Seriously, have some dignity.
Sara Circs: A dork? I guess so. In the Circs household we could conclude nothing more than that his hair screamed “I hate the gays.”
ZWR: Good point, Bazooka Mom. His hair was pretentious.
Evster: Standing up to give a toast in your own house? OMG get over yourself, dude. This isn’t Knots Landing.
ZWR: Good point, Evster. That was obnoxious.
|Listen to me, kid. I will own you. I don't take crap from anybody.|
Family that was most like you expected (good or bad)
ZWR: I don’t want to tread over some ground we’re going to trample in the next section, but the answer is very much Clare’s. Clare’s insane, weird, inexplicable family.
Sara Circs: Andi’s. I still don’t know how Evster knew she was Jewish, but she’s clearly Jewish, especially now that we’ve met her fam. The question is: who asks the four questions, Andi or her sis? (I’m trying to ask who was younger. I think her sister was younger. Omg everyone stop being so anti-semitic omg I’m so tired do we really have another whole episode of this tonight?)
ZWR: What four questions? What am I missing?
Evster: It’s a Jewish thing, Zoo. And it doesn’t matter. Unless you’re trying to break into Hollywood, then we could explain in greater detail. By the way, Circs, Andi’s last name is Dorfman. DORFMAN. That’s a dead giveaway that she’s a bonafide Jay Eee Dubb. For me though, Renee’s family was most like I’d expected. She and her mother could’ve been sisters!
ZWR: Well they are the same age! (BAZINGA)
“zOMG Oh My God Can You Believe That?!” moment of the ep
ZWR: Dude what the fart was up with Clare and her sister arguing about how their mom may feel? You know, when they were talking about her in the third person, directly in front of … the mom who was SITTING RIGHT THERE and not speaking. Seriously WHAT THE EFF did I just watch? Yes, it was so weird I got my laptop and started writing this answer immediately. I am so confused.
Sara Circs: Zoobs, Clare’s mom’s inexplicable silence while Clare’s sister stood menacingly in various corners of the backyard was OBVIOUSLY the most “can you believe that” mome. But since you already mentioned that, I’m gonna go with the mome when Renee awkwardly sat in her parents’ home across a coffee table from them and her son and spoke to them like she was failing at a sorority interview.
Grandma: So, Renee, did you meet Ben’s baseball coach?
Renee: Yeah...I mean, no, but like...I saw him. I definitely saw him.
Grandma: Oh Ben, honey, did you get those bracelets I brought to taekwondo?
Renee: Wait...what? Bracelets?
Grandma: Oh...just some bracelets he’s been into making lately.
Renee: Oh, right. Cool. Cool.
(the actor hired to play Renee’s son shifts uncomfortably, moves closer to “Grandma”)
I don’t even (fargle)ing know. Do sororities even do interviews? We rewound that scene three times to figure out if Renee was conceivably related to those people or if she was consulting them about a home mortgage.
Evster: Mine was during a commercial for Red Lobster when they showed some actual red lobsters. It’s like, I know that Red Lobs sells lobs -- and I know that lobs are normally red -- but I can’t imagine that Red Lobs actually sells red lobs. I mean, has anyone has ever actually gone to Red Lobs to get a lob? Was it red? I’ve been to Red Lobs once (for Shrimpfest®) and I got shrimp. They were terrible. Like, absolutely terrible. They were so small, and so sickly, and so delicious. If the three of us are to ever actually hang out in real life, we’re clearly going to Red Lobs together and getting food poisoning together.
ZWR: No no no let’s go to Sizzler!
Imagine you’re at the best ice cream shop on the best boardwalk ever on a wonderful summer night- what are you ordering (be specific)?
ZWR: That’s a tough one, but here it is: banana ice cream on a waffle cone with chocolate sprinkles. Man that was hard! I was torn between that and green (has to be green!) mint chocolate chip on a sugar cone. God I love ice cream.
Sara Circs: For some reason I can’t stop thinking about some kind of mango sorbet just like drowning in hot fudge. I’m not saying that’d be my pick any day of the week, but that’s where I am at this moment. Love me or leave me, fellas. (Oh god please don’t leave me.)
Evster: Okay, I’m going to try to remain calm here, but WHAT THE (EDIT THIS, ZOO!) ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT? I like banana ice cream, it’s fine, it’s perfectly fine, but if I’m at the best ice cream shop on the best boardwalk ever I’m not getting a stupid scoop of banana ice cream like my name’s Joe Boringstein. AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON CIRCS’ “HEY LOOK AT ME, I’M ON THE FRENCH RIVIERA” CUP OF MANGO SORBET. Circs, this isn’t Knots Landing, this is a goddamn seagull-infested boardwalk. If it were up to me (and it is), I’d order the world’s most bonkers hot fudge sundae, with coconut, vanilla and mint chocolate chip ice creams, whipped cream, five cherries, AND THE WETTEST NUTS EVER. Also, I’d jam two bananas and three mangos into the bucket (that’s right, I’m ordering mine in a bucket) just to show everyone that I’m also quite sensual.
Sara Circs: Ugh. I completely agree and completely hate myself right now. Excuse me whilst I go jump in the French Riviera. Can one of you hold my parasol?
ZWR: Yeah good idea, Evster. Make everyone sit at the table while you stuff your stupid fat face, because you couldn’t just get a cone and keep walking. No, it’s no big deal, we can all wait. I didn't want to go on the bumper cars or anything.
Best line by your spouse
ZWR: “Andi’s teeth are too short, and Clare’s teeth are too long. They should share!”
Sara Circs: (of Clare’s mom vaguely but not really trying to get a word in edgewise) “Did she say...English things?”
Evster: “This is a horrible television show.”
Best time to quit
Sara Circs: This one’s definitely debatable, but I gotta say I’ve always been partial to the traditional “while you’re ahead.” GOODNIGHT EVERYONE. GOODNIGHT.
Evster: Anytime. Literally, like, any time.
(ZWR: Get it? I didn't write anything there. Like, I quit. Probably better if I didn't explain?)
PART TWO - TUESDAY NIGHT’S EP
The dramatic turn… were you impressed?
Sara Circs: Ummm...how do I put this?
AMMAMAMAMAMAMAMMAMAMZIZIZNIZNZINZINIGNIGNGNGNGNGNG. Andi: a thousand gold doubloons to you for exposing Juan Pabs’ fraudulence and (butt)holeishness. We all knew he was full of (poop), but you put it on camera. Andi: dope as (fargle) when you told him how annoying it was that he kept saying “it’s okay” - IT TOTALLY WAS. Andi: everything you described about how he acted in your fantasy suite conversations was exactly as I imagined he’d be, and the only thing I don’t understand is why it took you so long to notice. Andi: no chance you’re ever gonna read this. The only thing I agreed with him about was that she should have said something while she was actually in the fantasy suite. It was weird that he left thinking everything was amazing and she thought it sucked. On the other hand: been there, sister! GUYS I AM TAKING THIS VERY VERY SERIOUSLY AND IT’S MAKING ME NERVOUS. This might be my favorite thing that’s ever happened on this show. So much better than him trying to nonconsensually put it in her butt!
Evster: Look, I’m all for Susan B. Anthony and Girl Power and for women to wear whatever ridiculous shorts they want, but that lady is WAY too in touch with her emotions, and ain’t nobody got time for that. Essentially, Andi came into that conversation expecting a certain reaction from Juan Pabs, and when he didn’t give it to her, she turned into Ravishing Rick RUDE.
YOU BROKE UP WITH HIM, LADY. You don’t get to decide how he’s gonna react! Juan Pabs said he was sad to see her go, but he’ll be okay, and besides, what’s he gonna do about it? I’ll tell ya what he’s gonna do: he’s gonna make a collect call to Nikki and Clare on his hotel bone-a-phone. Ring ring… Hello? BOOM. It’s in yo butt!
ZWR: Yeah, I agree with the Evster here (up until the "it's in yo butt" part). Andi didn’t really do anything but prove that she’s either a petty half-fraud or a raving lunatic. BRO, you’re on THE BACHELOR, so we already know you’re not principled. You wanted to play the “Oh I’m probably better than this but maybe just maybe I’m falling for him despite the odds HAHA no way at the last second I re-assert how smart/tough/bold I am and tell him off!!!!” card only he was like “Ummmm, okay bai” and then you get all butt-hurt that he didn’t get angry? You don't have to answer, Andi, because that's what happened. Also, Sharleen already did that move (without the rhetoric). Admit it, you just wanted to act like a hard-ass on national TV because you want to be a C-List celebrity. It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. But you didn’t do anything great. SPAEK
Sara Circs: Hey guys, can you hear me yelling at you from all the way over here on Venus? Look. I don’t agree with everything Andi did or exactly how she did it. But she wasn’t telling him how to react. She was saying, “When you say ‘it’s okay’ over and over again it feels dismissive of my feelings and suggests you don’t have any feelings of your own. If you liked me enough to get me all the way to the fantasy suite then how can it just be ‘okay’ the second I say I’m done?” He’s obviously allowed to have whatever reaction he wants but SHE is allowed to have whatever reaction SHE wants, and her reaction was, “This leaves me totally frustrated and you are the world’s biggest butthead and wash that goddamned gel out of your hair.” When she said “It’s not okay” she meant “I need you to know it’s not okay WITH ME.” And it wouldn’t be okay with me either! She felt he lead her to believe he was seriously considering asking her to marry him. Then she realized he didn’t give a fuck about her. Of course she’s pissed and wants him to have some kind of response re: all the time and feelings she invested. (And when he didn’t, of course it annoyed her.) Finally, as for what she proved, you may not have thought she proved anything, but she proved to me that Juan Pablo is exactly as lame and self-absorbed as I imagined he is, and someone that would be a nightmare to be in a relationship with. PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS IF YOU ARE WITH ME, I AM A LONE WOMAN IN A MAN’S BLOGGING WORLD.
Sara Circs: Well, first of all, next up is the best episode of the whole season: The Women Get Brazilian Blowouts. Secondly, now Andi gets to be the next Bachelorette? Thirdly, Andi gets voted mayor of the City of Atlanta? City of Atlanta, do you have anything to say about this? (City of Atlanta declines to comment at this time.)
Evster: Pretty sure my friendship with Circs is over.
ZWR: Yeah srsly I don’t get it. What did Andi accomplish? She either was the most naive donkey butt ever (“We were totally falling in love this whole season until he didn’t ask me what my political affiliation was in the fantasy suite; no, I wasn’t sucking face under a waterfall with him literally three hours before that”) for the last seven weeks or she was being duplicitous.
Winner of the ep
Sara Circs: Andi and her incredible lace shorts. Loved to watch you go, Andi.
Evster: Nikki and that hammock she rested her yong-bongs in. SHE’S NOW OBVIOUSLY MY FAVORITE.
ZWR: Juan Pabs for not taking Andi’s bait and “Essss Okaaaaayyyying” her to death while she tried to sing Alanis Morisette’s “You Oughta Know” while wearing a Gloria Steinem crew neck and “OMG I WENT TO LAW SCHOOL AND AM TOUGH” hat.
Sara Circs: Considering defecting from this caveman blog.
Loser of the ep
Sara Circs: Clare’s French nails. All they wanted to do was get their weary bones back in their time machine and go home to 1996.
Evster: Once again, Circs, proving you have no clue about men. All those new colors that ladies are wearing -- the dark greys and the browns and the GEL JAWNS? -- ugh. French nails are hot and always have been. Marie Antoinette was a bonafide smoke dog and Julia Child is busted a.f.
ZWR: Totally disagree with Evan- I hate those French manicure thingies. They confuse me and look all square and crap. This new thing of short, black nails is much better.
For different reasons, I’m also picking Clare. No matter how you feel about her-- and this BACHCAP is proof of the polar differences in how people have taken last night’s ep-- she made THE SPLASH of the season. And now that she’s gone off to making diamonds out of charcoal in her butt, Nikki is stone cold lead pipe lock to win.