Tuesday, February 4, 2014

BACHCAP WEEK FIVE


Hey yo let's do this thing Bazooka Mom and Evan.

Girl most likely to not know that we ever had a war with Vietnam.
Evster: I’m gonna go with Camilla. She seems sweet and all -- and I love that she’s studying foreign languages -- but I just don’t think she’s much of a history buff. I’m also not sure if she can put on her own socks.

ZWR: Totally Cassandra. She’s like 17 years old and kids these days don’t give a butt about history.

Sara Circs: Yeah, I’m not sure why...I CAN’T QUITE PUT MY FINGER ON WHY...but something about this “which girl is the dumbest" theme strikes me as sexist. I’m not sure why! Mayyyyybe it’s because of the implication that at least some of these girls must be dumb because they’re hot? Or because they’re girls? Or because they’re hot girls and men don’t mind if women are dumb as long as they’re hot? Hey, what do you guys think I should have for breakfast?

ZWR: Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch. And chill bro I think JUANPABS is a moron, too. And if this were the Bachelorette, we’d be talking about how stupid all of the bros are, because EVERYONE in this franchise is a Grade-A dummy.


Evster: Also these women are stupid.

Evan, did you ever go talk to that guy with the Camaro?
Evster: No, but the other day my neighbor’s dog Atticus was barking -- and I love Atticus -- so I started barking back at him, but not any kind of mean barks, just friendly “ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff” kinda stuff and then my neighbor (from behind his fence) goes, “Thanks, that really helps,” and I was like, “Oh I was just having fun, I love Atticus,” and then he goes, “F%$&#ckkkkkkkk youuuuuuu,” and I was like, “Whatttttttt?” and then I tried to get closer to talk to him, but I couldn’t see him behind the fence and now I’m completely terrified of him/planning on burning his house down.

Sara Circs: I hate it when you lie for the sake of sensational bloggery.

ZWR: Dude, he’s going to kick your butt.

Evster: OMG it’s true! My neighbor’s a really weird dude and Atticus barks SO MUCH and I think he’s just really self consh that Atticus never shuts up and feels like everyone on the block hates him. Also he has one of those shovels for people with bad backs that I totes wanna steal.

Sara Circs: Your neighbor sounds very much like an angry, fictional neighbor I once had.

ZWR: Or like a cross between Wilson from Home Improvement and the sensei from Karate Kid.

Renee’s water lantern wish: DISCUSS.
ZWR: I wish we could watch one of my old dates with the girl giving commentary in a video confessional. “I, ummm, well, didn’t really want to kiss him but he ordered an appetizer and I had three drinks and so I mean I really felt bad for him but OH GOD there was no tongue don’t worry!” #baller

Sara Circs: SHE WISHED FOR A KISS? I DO NOT RESPECT GIRLFRIEND’S WISHING STRAT. It’s not like you’re on a game show that is supposed to end with one single final winner or anything. There’s also definitely no such thing as eternal happiness or riches beyond your wildest dreams or MORE WISHES YOU BUMBLING FOOL. Ugh. I don’t even think she got the kiss! (I already forgot and I’m too lazy to rewind.)


Evster: Ugh, I hate that you created this category because I have a whole schtick planned on this very topic for my own blog sic bolg sic blarg, so if you’re interested in reading about my wishing thoughts, please check out TV My Wife Wishes dot com or follow me on Twitter and Facebook and did I ever mention that I have a weekly sports column at The700Level.com and was also recently voted 2014’s Hottest Dude by Dude Magazine.

Is it just me, or are Renee’s eye’s borderline invisible?
ZWR: Here’s me during an ep: “Dude are those things the lightest silver ever or are they just fading away like Michael J. Fox’s family picture in Back to the Future Dub-Tee-Eff?!”

Evster: That’s what happens when you turn 40. Your body struggles to produce collagen and subcutaneous fat which causes the skin on your face to get all dried out and weathered like Renee’s. (For the record, all of that informashe came straight from my wife’s mouth except for the mean and misogynistic part at the end. That was all mine.)

Sara Circs: I have concluded that Renee is actually super cute. She is also younger than me and I’m browsing Etsy right now and just found the most beautiful hand-woven noose that has my name written all over it.

Holy fart how insane is Clare?
ZWR: Here’s a joke I thought of while watching the group date: Come on, be a team player. There’s no “I” in Clare! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Sara Circs: Clare’s strategy is WORK. ING. FOR. HER. #sex

Okay wait. I wrote that before seeing the cocktail party where Juan Pabs kinda shamed her for having sex with him in the ocean, because his daughter would see it and that would be bad or something. I’M SORRY JUAN PABS, WERE YOU NOT IN THAT OCEAN HAVING OCEAN SEX TOO? #TeamClare

Evster: OMG Circs, so much hashtagging!

ZWR: #JUANPABS is all over the map with this stupid morality crap. Bro, get over it. We all think you’re a crappy father. All of the girls think it, too, they just aren’t saying it because they want to be on television longer. I mean, I get that you’re making some coin and that conceivably could be good for your kid, but watching this train wreck when she’s old enough to grasp what’s going on is going to be fun for her. YOU JUST BOINKED A LUNATIC IN THE OCEAN.

Also, Clare said that going in the ocean is on her bucket list. She’s from California!!! Is she not allowed to drive? Is she unaware that it is right next to the Pacific Ocean? Can I change my Vietnam war vote to Clare, please?

Like, srsly, the whole state borders the ocean

Sara Circs: Gotta say one more thing. Juan Pabs: you’re not cool with gay sex, you’re not cool with ocean sex, WHAT KIND OF SEX IS EVER GOING TO MEET YOUR STANDARDS? This guy is impossible.

If you could be in the Winter Olympics, which sport would you pick for it to be in?
ZWR: Bobsled. I get to do something super insane and fast and scary and cool (these sports are so cool), but I have teammates to bail me out when I inevitably screw something up. I’d totally be one of the two donkeys in the middle. Not the steerer, not the brakes guy. I’m just there to push and for weight. Close second place: curling (duh).

YEAH BRO WE'RE NUMBER ONE!!!

Sara Circs: Ice steppin’.

Evster: Long Underwear Wearing. I feel like I have a couple of signature moves that the world would go bananas for, such as the New Jersey Jam Job (that’s when you wear regular underwear under your long underwear) and the Salisbury Stretch-a-roo (when you extend your right leg fully while sliding on your long unds and point your toes to the sky until you can literally feel your hamstring tear off the bone).

ZWR: Do you wear your socks over the bottom of your long-johns or tuck them under?

Evster: Obviously it depends on the socks, but ideally you want a pair of long warm socks that can go OVER the LJ’s.

ZWR: Heard that, girl.

Are you aware that Kim Richards of the RHOBH and her teenage daughter are currently getting matching butterfly tattoos on their inner wrists? (and don’t pretend that you don’t know who Kim Richards is!)
Evster: You think Clare Bear is nuts? Kimbo is on a whollllllllllle ‘nother lev. CAN I GET AN #AMEN, CIRCS?

Sara Circs: Honest to god, I don’t know who Kim Richards is. I only stay true to one RH and that’s RHONY and I know that hasn’t been on the air in years and it’s part of the reason I’m so unhappy in my life. #TeamBethenny

Evster: OMG you’re such a liar. This is Kimmy Richie.



Sara Circs: She looks familiar.

ZWR: I watched the Orange County one with my wife last year. Tamara makes me laugh.

Evster: For the record Bethenny is THA WURST.

Kat’s boobs. Discuss.
Sara Circs: When is one of these women gonna say, “I didn’t like the way Juan Pabs talked to me and I don’t think he’s opening up to me and I don’t feel comfortable with him and he is a bad kisser”? Also these ladies touch their hair A LOT. Do I do that? DO I DO THAT YOU GUYS???

ZWR: Yes, honey, you look very skinny in that dress. And I can’t believe what that B at work did today. What a B!

Evster: #TeamKat’sBoobs4Evaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

10 comments:

  1. "Luke at me. Luke at me. Luke at me. Luke at me. Luke at me. Luke at me. Luke at me."

    Juan Pabs, every second of every episode

    ReplyDelete
  2. #TeamClare Juan Pabs was a total d-bag to her.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Agree with Corinne. Juan Pabs is a dog.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I was in Hoi An, at that tailors, had a jacket made and my husband had a suit made. TOTAL TOURIST TRAP, as was the whole town. And, BTW, crappy, poorly made clothes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. did you and your huzz make whoopee in the ocean be honest

      Delete
  5. ClaIre spelled correctlyFebruary 4, 2014 at 4:40 PM

    Love the bolg as usual. @ZWR: If there's no "I" in Clare (crazy person version), but there is in ClaIre (correct version), does that mean I get to be totes selfish and not care about the team?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you can do whatever you want claire this is america

      Delete
    2. ClaIre spelled correctlyFebruary 7, 2014 at 4:32 PM

      yay for america and stuff

      Delete
  6. This post is a penguin in a room full of brown bears.

    ReplyDelete

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