Wednesday, February 19, 2014

BACHCAP Week Seven: "Luke at me. We gonna have sex now, ‘kay?"

Hey guys, what’s up?
Evster: Holy moley. I just finished watching tonight’s ep and was so blown away by the “Scenes from the Next” that I filled my pants with (poop). What could’ve possibly happened in that fantasy suite? Did Juan Pabs fill his pants with (poop)? I think he might’ve filled his pants with (poop). It is honestly amazing that every baby in this stupid world constantly fills their pants with (poop).

ZWR: Hey Evster, I hate to give such a crude answer here, and I’ma let Sara Circs have her customary spot after you in a minute, but when I saw that my immediate response was he tried to, ummmmmm, you know, put …. his thing ….. there … unannounced.

Sara Circs: Sure Zoo, that’s where the rational mind goes, but this is a family show. There’s no way they’re letting us in on that or treating it like that and honestly I’m probably taking your answer way too seriously but I want to be clear that it did cross my mind. Hey guess what! I made Nestle Tollhouse cookies last night. That really is a classic recipe. Anyway, I obviously want to believe something scandalous happened in the F.S. with Andi, but I bet it was just something like she said she loved him and he didn’t say it back. Which ALWAYS happens on this show so she shouldn’t be so stupid. Other more likely option is that he referred to her by a racial slur.

ZWR: Andi, “I love you.” JuanPabs, “Thanks Jewbag!” (Editor's Note: The Evster is Jewish and gave me permission to say that!)

When you and your spouse get Chinese, what’s a standard order?
ZWR: We have a fairly regular routine: Egg rolls (duh), wonton for Nag/hot & sour for Zoo (the place we order from has small soups only don’t get me started I hate that), combo fried rice, chicken-ish entree (the general, sesame, kung pao, …). BOOM. If we’re feeling extra festive, we’ll get some ribs.

Evster: Egg rolls for all, steamed dumplings (also my nickname in high school), large wonton soup (obvs), spare ribs (wife likes boneless, but I like da BONE), a lo mein of some sort, General Tsizzao’s, maybe a kung pao, occasionally some sweet and sour scrimps (wow, I sure am taking this question seriously!) and then one thing that sounds terrible but is secretly amazing and then somehow always ends up being terrible.

Sara Circs: Sweet and sour chicken?

Need more than that, bro.

ZWR: OMG Evan’s answer is so much better (no offense Bazooks) though I do like sweet and sour chicken. You’re just missing like seventeen more things.

Evster: Circs, you’re missing like seventeen more things!!!

Sara Circs: MY WIFI CUT OUT WHILE I WAS WRITING THAT LAST NIGHT!! It doesn’t matter. The only Chinese that really matters to me is the Peking duck I always get whenever I visit my friends in NYC. Yeah, that’s right, I said it--I have friends.

ZWR: Oooooooh, fancy! “Whenever I visit my pals in Manhattan we just must get the Peking duck that they serve at this little walk-down on the East Side it’s $75 but to die for!”

Sara Circs: Oh god, I didn’t even know Peking duck was a fancy thing. THAT’S HOW GODDAMNED FANCY I AM.

Which girl would be the best Chinese food orderer (as in, who would you blindly trust to order an AWESOME dinner)?
ZWR: Okay, let’s work backwards through all of the contestants to get to our answer.

Renee would be awful, because she would only order old people food that nobody wants like egg foo young and soup broth to just put the free rice in. GET OUT, GRANDMA.

Now you’d probably think this would be in Andi’s wheelhouse, but she’s a HIGH POWERED ATTORNEY and it’s pretty clear she enjoys identifying herself with the job and its preconceptions, so she’d get a bunch of elitist crap that defeats the purpose (comfort, being fat) of Chinese delivery. You’d come wandering into the dining room and find raw eel or some pufferfish sashimi and be all “Oh come on not again where’s the General?!”

Clare is a total idiot and would order a turkey hoagie.

Sharleen would be sort of like Andi, but in a much more frustrating way. You can understand where Andi is coming from, but Sharleen would just give obtuse answers and then go all Elliott Smith Miss Misery on you and then you’d be all, “Ummmm, can I have your egg roll?”

Nikki would get in a fight with the lady who takes the order when she couldn’t understand the credit card number and hang up on her. No food. Saddest ever.

And that leaves Chelsie. She has the right amount of whimsy to get fun fried foods, and is a science teacher so she’d inherently get combining sauces and flavors. Added bonus of her being a teacher is she’s probably not rich so she knows the ins and outs of COMBO PLATTERS which rule and are basically a pound of food fried in the same basket God I’m hungry.

Evster: Zoo, that was an unbelieveable breakdown HOWEVER you forgot one major factor: Andi is Jewish. And Jewish people love Chinese food. Then again, Jewish people are super annoying and never shut up so yeah I’m going with Chelsie and I’m sorry I talk so much.

OMG Evster stop talking

ZWR: Don’t you ever change.

Sara Circs: I feel like Renee would be good because she has a kid and seems more down to earth than the others? Can I go on record as saying I hate this question? Sweet and sour chicken?

Watch any Olympics (on Monday)? If so, let’s chat about them.
ZWR: I know everyone else is talking about it but WHO CARES dude I loved those ice dancing siblings doing a Michael Jackson medley. Only, in my view, they missed out on the full potential of the idea. First, they should have done the Free Willy song. This assumes that the guy could have high jumped over the girl but I mean of course he can they’re in the Olympics. And then they should have closed with Billy Jean and done a full ice-length moonwalk twizzle.

ALSO: How is Twizzler not the official candy of Olympic ice dancing I mean for real get on that.

Evster: Not to be the WORLD’S BIGGEST DORF, but it’s “Billie” Jean as in Billie Jean King aka THE SECOND GREATEST LESBIAN TENNIS PLAYER OF ALL TIME.

ZWR: Dude you’re so right I need some coffee.

Evster: I also loved the ice dancing (yep, I said it, said it on an actual blog on the Internet!), but nothing beats downhill skiing. The speed, the turns, THE SPEED TURNS. I especially like when they show the replay of the leader’s shadow compared to the skier that’s just skied. Like in Mario Kart when you’d try to set a time trial record and you could see the path of the record-holder while you raced. I don’t know if that makes any sense whatsoevster, or if anyone ever tried to set records in Mario Kart, but I’m just trying to say that I like the Olympics and I like the skiing and I can’t believe that Juan Pabs wears an anklet.

ZWR: Love the alpine events, bro. Downhill is in my top three favorite jawns. I went to Whistler in 2009, and while we watched the 2010 games it was cool to say that I skied (terribly, slowly, often falling) down those same slopes.

Sara Circs: My sister-in-law’s father is a NOBEL PRIZE WINNING ECONOMIST and also AN ICE DANCER. Not an Olympic ice dancer, of course--that’d be ridiculous. By the way, ZWR, he told me to say hi and he loves your blog.


Sara Circs: THIS IS PURE TRUTH (except for the part about Zoo’s blog; he thinks it’s just okay).

ZWR: Wait is this the post where Bazooka Mom tries to outclass us at every turn?

zOMG could you believe it when _________?
ZWR: Hmmmm, when Juan Pabs tried to wipe Sharleen’s snot away and whiffed? No, no-- it’s when Nikki called JP3 (don’t know what the three stands for) her “boyfriend” MULTIPLE TIMES. Welcome to Train Wreck City, Population: That mean blonde nurse.

Evster: …Juan Pablo’s cousin smiled, revealing his braces? It’s not that I have a problem with this -- it’s fine, it’s great, Brett Favre, whatever -- it just never ceases to amaze me when a grown man has braces. Also Nikki’s roots are a goddamn embarrassment.

Sara Circs: ...Sharleen went to Juan Pabs’ room to break up with him and he DIDN’T have sex with her? He could have done it. “Luke at me. Luke at me. Mira. Mira. Luke at me. We gonna have sex now, ‘kay? Don’ cry. We have sex now. You too pretty to cry.”

ZWR: Okay that was best ever.

Seriously, Sharleen, you can’t have it both ways
ZWR: Seriously, Sharleen, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t be all, “I’m too good for this show and Juan Pabs is basically a pile of flesh and I have a career” and then be all, “holy crap he looked at me I need to eat his tongue RIGHT NOW!!!” She’s totally your friend from high school who had a straight A’s, was in band/theater/drama, and everyone’s parents hounded their kids to be more like because she just had everything together who up and boinked the blockhead a-hole football player with the Mustang because he asked if he could copy her homework. No harbored resentment there at all folks move along.

The Nag made an observation during the show that interested me: when they were sucking face on the yacht, Juan Pabs was all stretched out lounging and made Sharleen do all the work of leaning up, making eye contact, going in for kisses, etc. Total dominance move. He knew he was the a-hole with the Mustang. He knew it.

Seriously Sharleen, you can't have it both ways!

Evster: Seriously, Sharleen, you can’t have it both ways! You don’t see me trying to blog on different blogs for different blogging audiences. You gotta STAY IN YO LANE. (For the record that’s the first time I’ve ever used the phrase “stay in yo lane” and it was exhilarating!)

ZWR: Whatevster

Sara Circs: As a super classy lady who considers herself a Sharleen, I say: Sharleen, YOU CAN HAVE IT BOTH WAYS!!!! Caress the tonsils of the Juan Pabses of the world and have children with the Jason Mesnicks of the world omg I’m so sorry Sharleen you’re going to be alone forever.

How many moms/sisters/sisters-in-law will Juan Pabs make out with during hometowns?
ZWR: I’m putting the number at six. Clare has like five sisters and he’s gonna be up in at least three of them. Renee probably has a daughter his age, and if so that’s a lock. Yeah, a conservative six.

Evster: I cannot friggin’ stand that they’re called “hometowns”. Like, that’s a thing. That’s a word that I’m supposed to know and use and recognize and I cannot friggin’ handle it. I’m not calling them that. I’m calling them “hometown dates”. Or “dates where the contestants bring Juan Pabs home to meet people”. I am not calling them hometowns. I am also not calling them hash browns. What the frigg am I even talking about?

Sara Circs: I love the hometowns. Sharleen. Sharleen was gonna get a hometown. Did Juan Pabs even cry over Sharleen? He could not have cared less about her dumping him, he just wanted to give her a hometown so he could meet her parents and finally narrow down her ethnicities. Evster, when you’re in your hometown, if you don’t call them hash browns, do you call them home fries?

ZWR: Mind blown.


  1. Saracircs broke the backboard on this post. Shattered it. Darryl Dawks-style.


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