Just like the Olympics, this one's tape-delayed. Don't worry, Evan, Bazooka Mom, and I put in a gold medal performance.
Did you stay awake the whole ep?
ZWR: Nope. I’m so old. Also, I only watched it during Olympics commercials or crappy athlete profiles. That said, I did see JuanPabs rolling down hills in inflatable, wet balls with the girls all in bikinis and LET ME TELL YOU I sure respected the ladies during that segment.
Evster: Nope. I’m even older. Also, I only watched it in between the Olympics and the Westminster Dog Show. That said, I did see Andi flaunting her cannonball butt and LET ME TELL YOU I love a butt that you can eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich off of.
Sara Circs: Yes! I can’t remember anything that happened.
Best Bach-related line of the night
ZWR: Via text from ZWR Hall of Famer Cranekicker: “Charleen kisses like goats eat.” He nailed it. That’s why CK’s a legend. Second place goes to the Nag. When JuanPabs just kissed Charleen before she could even say anything she blurted out, “At least he’s being honest about it, now!”
Evster: Omg seeing as I’m the only BACH EXPERT around here, let it be known that it’s actually Sharleen, with an “S”, as in “suckin’ on a (EDITED).” My Bach-related line of the night goes to Kat’s boobs who used the word “journaling” as a verb and were rightly sent home.
ZWR: You’re special.
Sara Circs: This isn’t a line, but I loved the part where Juan Pabs came back to the ladies in the hobbit house (A THING THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED) after dumping Cassandra (ON HER BIRTHDAY) (SHE WAS TURNING TWENTY-TWO WHICH IS A NUMBER THAT COMES BEFORE ALMOST ALL OTHER NUMBERS) and they all acted sad about Cassandra being dumped when obviously they were all thinking “my chances of winning just went up by 1.8% (ACTUAL FIGURE!).”
Did you eat a snack while watching TV?
ZWR: Guilty. I had a three-cereal mix: Cheerios, coconut-almond granola, and blueberry muesli in a coffee mug. It was probably seven thousand needless calories oh God I hate myself.
Evster: Ugh, shut up. “Guilty?” Who cares. It bothers me so much when people eat a cookie and they’re like, “I’m sooooooo bad.” No you’re not. You’re eating a goddamn snack. Keep eating. Stuff your face. Pay men to have sex with your wife. This is America. Don’t beat yourself up all the time. I had two pieces of cheesecake last night and I feel wonderful (slash horrible please kill me seriously my cholesterol is through the roof I have dizzy spells all the time please make it stop the room is spinning).
Sara Circs: Brownies with milk. It’s not a very funny snack, but if there’s one thing I strive to do in my blogging, it’s to deliver the pure, straight-up, smack-your-sister truth.
Best part of last night’s ep? The horses, the goats or Andi’s butt?
Sara Circs: The little lambies!!!
GUN TO HEAD, who is your pick to win this thing?
ZWR: Yeesh McGeesh. My gut says Andi, my heart says Clare, my brain says nobody, no way, no how. This donkey doesn’t want to get married, he wants to get famous and boink twenty randos and make some coin AND FRANKLY I can’t fault him-- everything about this show is scuzzy and anyone who goes on it deserves whatever happens to them.
Sara Circs: If history is to be believed, that’s a stupid phrase. But if we’re going by what’s happened in the past, penises usually pick the winners of these things, and Clare is Juan Pabs’ penis’ top pick. I choose Clare.
Evster: omg it’s obvs, Andi has this WRAPPED UP. First of all, her butt. Second, her butt again. Third, bee yoo tee tee. Look, I understand Clare’s appeal. No man can resist a woman’s dry foot rubbing against his inner thigh. Not Juan Pabs, not me, not George Cloons, not Bill Clints, Zac Effrons, Darryl Dawks, Art Linkletter, Steve Balboni (basically just naming dudes at this point). It doesn’t matter who the woman is, when you’re in the mome, you’re in the mome. But eventually -- normally the exact mome after you have an org -- men come to their senses. And all senses point to that butt. That big, round, soft, cannonball of a butt. I seriously want to launch her butt through the side of a boat.
Sara Circs: To be clear: Juan Pabs will have his orgasm with Clare and then immediately turn his thoughts to Andi’s butt? I just want to understand how this works. This might be exactly how it works, but I’m not a man and I’m still learning.
Evster: OMG CIRCS DON’T BE SO OBTUSE. (Got that from Shawshank!) Look, Clare is a dorf. We all know that. Juan Pabs knows that. But in the mome, when she gives him that look and licks her lips and stares into his eyes and takes her nails and drags them across his wrist and opens her mouth slightly and gasps deeply and bites her bottom lip and barks like a dog, like a big, mean, bad dog who needs to be punished because she ate all the M&M’s that were in the bowl on the table, and she didn’t know they weren’t for her, but she’s a bad doggie, A BAD DOGGIE, and she needs to be taught a lesson, so put on this collar, and let me chain you up against this radiator and then oh God the orgasm good night zzzzzzzzzzz then wake up oh yeah that other lady is a lawyer and has nice hair so let’s go with her.
ZWR: Wait what. Straight talk: Clare weirded me out doing her stupid sweatpants dance. I hate when the girls are all, “I’d so rather just lay around in sweats than do romantic things because that’s real life.” That’s a straight up lie. When have you ever heard your wife/girlfriend ask you to be less romantic? When has she nagged you about giving her flowers too often? Never. The answer is never.
Sara Circs: So is your issue with her sweatpants dance or with her lie about not wanting to be romanced?
ZWR: I actually have no idea. Life overwhelms me.
Dude if you’re the City of Atlanta are you happy one of your Assistant DAs is on this train wreck?
ZWR: Let’s face it, Atlanta sucks a butt. Every time I watch House Hunters or Property Virgins they’re in Atlanta and the people are all, “MERP DERP I need an open concept” and while that actually happens every episode just trust me it’s worse with Atlanta. And don’t even get me started on the Atlanta Say Yes to the Dress!!!!! What a bunch of prudes. Show some cleavage, girl, it’s your wedding day.
(Nothing I just typed makes any sense) OH YEAH- and the Braves suck.
Evster: If I’m the City of Atlanta (and let me just state for the record that I am not), I could not be happier that this woman is representing my city. As of now. Atlanta is known for Jermaine Dupri, Kim Zolciak and Bobby Cremins’s silver bowl cut. It’s about time they were known for a butt.
Sara Circs: Hi, I’m the city of Atlanta. I’m a city but I’m typing on a blog. I have thoughts about people being on reality shows.
ZWR: Hey, it’s a BOLG!
Sara Circs: Sorry BOLG.
R.I.P. Kat’s Boobs
Sara Circs: You guys didn’t know this, but Kat’s Boobs were my favorite thing about this show.
ZWR: TELL ME MORE
Evster: What do you mean we didn’t know that? Of course we knew that. They were everyone’s favorite thing. And now they are GONE. GONE FOREVER. HONESTLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS CRUEL WORLD? But like sands through the hour glass, so go the days of our lives. And now, we are left with a butt. A round, firm, rock-solid, let’s all break out the Parcheesi board and play a few rounds on this butt, butt.
ZWR: I want a Parmageddon.