Monday, March 31, 2014

Five Things To Be Excited About This Season

Hey there kids, it's Opening Day! I know that some of you are ... less than thrilled ... with the current state of things, but your buddy ZWR is here to remind you of some reasons to be happy about the 2014 season. 

1. Chase Utley. /cues Kashmir, breaks three keyboards typing this paragraph. Honestly though, you should sift through your (justified) frustrations and be appreciative when given the opportunity to watch one of the franchise's more iconic and successful players-- and that's what Chase f'n Utley is. Also, he's dreamy. Also also, he's kind of still good so BOOM. Same goes for Cole Hamels if his shoulder isn’t asploded.


Friday, March 28, 2014


The Red Phanatic is BACK this weekend, to make sure you don't get a restful sleep before the season opener (and I think to raise awareness for...something that I forget..?)

Anyway, since everyone still thinks he's terrifying, I put him into a horror movie poster:

Go Phillies!

Thursday, March 27, 2014

ZWR in the Wild: Spring Training Wrap-up Edition

Hey gang - it's officially the last day of spring training, so here are some pictures of some donkeys and sexy ladies wearing the most stylish threads seen all season on Florida's gulf coast:

E - A - G - L - E - A
It's @amyleighp and @chickphila looking stylish and runnerish concurrently!

Hey guys, Phils hats huh? Welp, see ya later!
(They're smiling because Reid Brignac was in the lineup that day)

On to the "real" games! My over/under on Phils wins this season is 96.5 -- feel free to debate it in the comments.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

DVR ALERT: Roy Halladay Perfect Game Insights

I'm just copy/pasting from a press release here you go -
E:60 will explore the phenomenon of perfect games in Major League Baseball in the one-hour E:60 Presents: PERFECT on Thursday, March 27, at 8 p.m. ET. The film examines the psychological swings, phenomenal fielding plays and unknown details that led each perfect pitcher to a place in baseball history. In total, 15 of the 17 living pitchers who have completed a perfect game were interviewed for the film: Jim Bunning, Roy Halladay, Tom Browning, Len Barker, David Wells, David Cone, Don Larsen, Mark Buehrle, Dallas Braden, Felix Hernandez, Philip Humber, Dennis Martinez, Randy Johnson, Mike Witt and Matt Cain.
Yesplz thank you ESPN. Remember that, folks? Not to be confused with his playoff no-hitter. The perfect game. zOMG you should watch this.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Should the Phils Sign Vance Worley? An #Analysis

With the Twins recent release of pitcher Vance Worley, folks have been kicking around the idea of bringing The Vanimal back to Philadelphia. As a hard-hitting analytic sort, I want to take a deep dive into the pros and cons of such a move. Let's get to it.

CON:  Worley has posted a 13.50 ERA and allowed 22 hits in 10 2/3 innings this spring.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Phils Week-End Recap

Hey there kids. In case you were off the grid, prepping hard for your boogie board competition, or studying for you MCATs without distraction this past week I've got you covered with all of the important happenings in Phils-ville. HERE GOES:

* Freddy Galvis has a science-proof infection.

* Darin Ruf sprained a love handle swinging in practice. Golly!

* The organization possibly hates Jimmy Rollins because "hustle" I guess?

Gotta love the way things are going and, more importantly, where they're headed!

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Dude This Documentary Rules

It feels good to finally know just how we got here.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Roy Halladay Is Getting SO GOOD At Twitter

Have to admit, the kid's got it.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

REPORT: Jimmy Rollins is 35 Years Old and it's 2014

Speaking on conditions of anonymity, multiple medium-to-low-level sources inside the Phillies' organization have confirmed to ZWR this morning that embattled shortshop James Calvin Rollins is in fact 35 years old and not likely to change his habits or be motivated by a transparently planted media report.

"It's bizarre... it's almost like Jimmy is a fully grown millionaire adult with a World Series and an MVP award under his belt and he's not suddenly going to conform to the perception of what 'high-ranking sources' Larry Bowa have wanted him to be for the past decade," said the source.

Another source added: "I just can't figure it out. You'd think he be so eager to please the higher-ups, despite all the evidence to the contrary and massive career success to date." 

At press time, contacts inside the organization were unable to pinpoint potential impact to Jimmy's swag.

For more on the Jimmy Rollins Situation as it develops, keep it locked to, your #1 most trusted for breaking news.

Friday, March 14, 2014

A Very Special Edition of @CSNPhilly's Lunch Break

It's been a big week, gang.

Watch me help Rhea Hughes break things down (analytically) while enjoying some fine Dietz & Watson processed meats on an airplane flying high above the butt zone:

If the video above is being a donkey, use this link.

Esotericky Bottalico Checks In

Sometimes you've got to stop and think, people.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Jimmy Rollins and Ryne Sandberg Talk It Out

Whispers are starting to emerge from Clearwater that Ryne Sandberg and Jimmy Rollins aren't exactly seeing eye-to-eye. Luckily, ZWR sources indicate that they decided to be adults and talk things out.

Hey Jimmy!

SUP SKIP? You mad at me or something?

Wednesday, March 12, 2014



So Roy Halladay Tweeted This (3.12.14 vs. Gravity) #SRHTT

Okay gang, I'll be honest, this is pretty nuts and I'm still struggling to come to grips with what this all means. HOWEVER, as first reported here on the world's foremost bolg about going to zoo with future Hall of Famer Roy Halladay (visit us online at, HARRY LEROY HALLADAY III has joined Twitter.

If you're just now learning about this, you should probably take a moment to compose yourself, and hold onto your face to prevent it from breaking right off...

And, like most things Roy Halladay does (remember his fishing trip?), he's mastering it very quickly.

Exhibit A

Less than 24 hours after joining Twitter, Roy tweeted this:

ARE YOU KIDDING ME@dochalladay32?

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Roy Halladay on Twitter?

omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omgomg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omgomg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omgomg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omgomg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omgomg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omgomg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omgomg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg (!!!)

(yesplz upside down image) No idea if this is real-- I have my sources investigating. But this benefit seems legit, so if you're in Clearwater go give money and play bingo and meet ROY HALLADAY.


Crossing Broad-- who knows all about fake Roy Halladay accounts-- confirms that it's Doc. Everyone stay cool. We got this.

ZWR's #Eagles #FreeAgency Crystal Ball

It’s finally here. NFL free agency is finally here today! The first chance for teams to significantly upgrade their rosters in preparation for the upcoming season commences at 4PM ET. As per usual, the defending NFC East Champion Eagles have positioned themselves optimally concerning the salary cap, so there’s money to be spent at the Novacare Complex today. I’ve spoken with scouts, agents, and various team reps to put together what I feel is the best guess at the full Eagles class of 2014. Enjoy!

(Editor’s Note: I’m not even going to address the re-signing of All-Galaxy punter Donnie Jones because that’s a certainty srsly get lost with any disparate notions)


Holy butt, that finale! JUANPABS totally completed his metamorphosis into a full-fledged villain last night according to ZWR and Bazooka Mom, while The Evster just sort of rambles on about doorknobs and edits himself. Let's get toooooo iiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttt!!!!

OMG much better would this ep be if Andi or Sharleen were here?
ZWR: I admit it, I’ve changed my tune. With the benefit of some hindsight, the #WTA (did I do that right?) ep, and after having read the great comments the ladies made to the last BACHCAP I have softened considerably in my views on Andi. I definitely am much more empathetic to her frustration. DON’T GET ME WRONG, she’s not getting a total free pass, but I’m waaaay more on her side than I was two weeks ago. The star of that #WTA jawn, though, was undoubtedly Sharleen. How did she ever get involved in this train wreck?

Sara Circs: I’m glad you’ve softened on Andi, Zoo. Stay nice and soft because it’s gonna be ALL ANDI ALL THE TIME pretty soon. God I wish Sharleen were going to be the next Bach’rette. Do you think they approached her and she said no because she’s the absolute coolest?

ZWR: My bust, girl

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Handy #Flyers Trade Deadline Image

Hey there kids. Today is the NHL trading deadline, and chances are your favorite team is the Flyers. The Flyers are, well ... the Flyers. Always buying, always pressing, always dealing-- sometimes not too worried about things like draft picks or roster construction. Case in point: yesterday they traded 2nd and 3rd round picks for a defenseman in the last year of his contract whose primary skill is blocking shots. He's the ninth defenseman on the roster!

Today may see the orange and black land three more defensemen or two more centers. Who knows? But who cares! It's the Flyers, and we love them, and we're going to support our boys. As such, here's a handy graphic for you to use on the Twitter or Factbook or whatever dorkface message board you'll be arguing on later with Penguins, Red Wings, and Blackhawks fans. Whenever they mention Stanley Cups or salary caps, you just shut them up with this bad boy.

Boom. Burn roasted.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Amazing Jason Avant Music Video

Dude don't make fun of me for not knowing this thing existed until now but HOLY BUTT is it great. I've listened to it no fewer than 93 consecutive times at my desk and I'm just dying over here yes, please.



Our Phils are off to a blazing start in Clearwooder, so here are some pics from the smoking-hot action!

All originals from Philly dot com backslash butt

Monday, March 3, 2014

The Phillies As That Oscar Selfie: A BILLION RETWEETS

So Ellen did that whole selfie thing at the Oscars last night and it got like the most retweets ever (Apparently even more than my TJ Oshie photoshop? Dubious claim).

So that's cool I guess. But really, if you think about, a million retweets isn't cool. You know what'-- ahh nevermind.

ZWR Enthusiast and stud muffin @Wing2J was cool enough to (naturally) photoshop every single face in Ellen's original pic into Phillies. And he was even good enough to detail his methodology! Make sure to follow him on Twitter and stuff, and thank him for this glorious image below. A billion retweets, here we come:


A Phillies Oscar Selfie, by @Wing2J


Chase Utley as Bradley Cooper – Sure he’s had a couple stinkers, but he’s just SO DREAMY that you know he’s gonna have a spot in our hearts forever no matter what he does.

Cole Hamels as Jennifer Lawrence – Young. Hot. A peak performer.  You want to give a long term deal to the long term deal.

Cliff Lee as Meryl Streep – Been around forever, but is STILL the best of the best. Could probably kick your ass in a fight.

Ryne Sandberg as Ellen Degeneres – A smile that wide and eyes that big means you know this is the captain of an impending train wreck.

Ryan Howard as Brad Pitt – Has a history of absolute dynamite work.  The last time you remember being excited to see him was a loooong time ago.

Luis Garcia as Lupita Nyong'o's brother – Who the hell is this guy?  How’d he get in this picture? Somebody call security!

Marlon Byrd as Jared Leto – You liked him when he was a lot younger, and he’s surging lately. Makes  you feel weird to see him around again.

Darin Ruf as Channing Tatum – Young, strong, and dumb. But seriously, what the hell is he doing here?

AJ Burnett as Julia Roberts – Was really something back in the day. Waaaaaaay back in the day.

Babby Abreu as Kevin Spacey – Has quietly put together a career full of Hall of Fame type numbers, but still won’t run into a wall face first.

Jimmy Rollins as Lupita Nyong'o–Predicting future performance is a total crapshoot, but history says things might not be that great.

Jonathan Papelbon as Angelina Jolie – The absolute lockdown, holy butt, most amazing  thing on the planet…six years ago.  Also? CRAZY.


Ruben Amaro Jr. as The Smug Hollywood Producer – put this whole  thing together, and everybody is pretty sure it’s gonna be terrible.  Somehow remains employed.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

ZWR in the Wild: Mardi Gras Edition

Guys, I love Sweet Babette. She is a total sweetheart, and in the past has done things like (a) make me the tailgate stromboli pictured below...

Hey there, the ladies
... and (b) stand in line with a bunch of sneaker freaks in New Orleans during NBA All-Star Weekend (!!!) trying to get the penguin a pair of Bel Air Jordan Fives (these fargling shoes are my white whale; I won't buy another pair until I get these somehow at retail). Amazing, right? Yes. But somehow last night she proved her self even amazinger. CHECK IT, DORK:

What a great shirt! Be sure to get fourteen of your own HERE #BUYSHIRT

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