Tuesday, March 11, 2014

BACHCAP™ SEASON FINALE (OMG)


Holy butt, that finale! JUANPABS totally completed his metamorphosis into a full-fledged villain last night according to ZWR and Bazooka Mom, while The Evster just sort of rambles on about doorknobs and edits himself. Let's get toooooo iiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttt!!!!

OMG much better would this ep be if Andi or Sharleen were here?
ZWR: I admit it, I’ve changed my tune. With the benefit of some hindsight, the #WTA (did I do that right?) ep, and after having read the great comments the ladies made to the last BACHCAP I have softened considerably in my views on Andi. I definitely am much more empathetic to her frustration. DON’T GET ME WRONG, she’s not getting a total free pass, but I’m waaaay more on her side than I was two weeks ago. The star of that #WTA jawn, though, was undoubtedly Sharleen. How did she ever get involved in this train wreck?

Sara Circs: I’m glad you’ve softened on Andi, Zoo. Stay nice and soft because it’s gonna be ALL ANDI ALL THE TIME pretty soon. God I wish Sharleen were going to be the next Bach’rette. Do you think they approached her and she said no because she’s the absolute coolest?

ZWR: My bust, girl



ZWR: Not gonna lie, Andi’s Bachelorette preview thingy was promising.

Evster: The coolest? The cooooolest? Let’s calm down here, Circs, Sharleen is certainly not the coolest. Dominique Wilkins, that guy was the coolest. This little girl Olivia who lives up the street from me, who I once saw throw a rock at a police car, she’s the coolest. Sharleen? She’s an opera singer who went on a game show to find a husband. Dominique could slam a basketball through a guy’s face. Olivia picks her nose on the reg ‘cuz she don’t give a [EDITEDDDDDDDDD].

ZWR: Evster’s totally right. Dominique Wilkins > Sharleen.


Sara Circs: For the rec, that was a typo. I meant to write that Sharleen is “the absolute coolest person they could have considered for the Bachelorette even though it’s entirely possible that her season would have been horribly boring because she wouldn’t be willing to throw herself into it like the standard idiots they get on this show.” But I guess I’m working with the typo police here, jeeeeeez.

Would you watch a season of the BACH if every contestant had to wear a ball cap?
ZWR: Yes, I totally would. Listen up, the ladies- few things are cuter than a chickadee in a ball cap with her ponytail pulled through the back. It shows us all that you're playful with an athletic side, and not afraid to let your guard down a little. Also, it keeps the sun out of your eyes! This is a great idea you're welcome ABC.

Sara Circs: I mean, at any given moment I am technically not willing to watch a season of the Bach even as it is right now.

Evster: They need to do SOMETHING to shake up this show. Ball caps is one thing, but I think the change has to be more drastic. (Prepare for real Evster #realtalk right now ‘cuz it’s abouts to gets REALZ.) Enough of this hang-gliding and helicoptering and playing the goddamn bongos with the natives of Saint Loosh, they need to enhance the woo’ing part of this show to make it more LEGIT. Here’s my plan: Dudes should be given a stipend for each date, maybe $200, maybe a bit more, maybe they borrow the wheel from Wheel of Forch and give it a whirl to determine the amount, and then they should have to plan a date and take the girl OUT. The contestants should be the ones responsible for finding something cool to do in Los Angeles. Find a bomb-ass Greek food festival in Long Beach. Go to Disney Land with 50,000 other people and then BURN THAT PLACE DOWN. If Chris Harrison wants these idiots to find TWUE WOVE, he needs to step aside like the fat [EDITED] that he is.

Dude how stupid is salad? I hate it’s face.
Sara Circs: Caesar salad, tho.

ZWR: Well yeah duh it’s covered in oily cheese, bro. Also, the wedge at steakhouses (a block of iceberg, a billion bacons, and four pounds of blue cheese!!!!) and taco salads in those giant fried taco shells OMNOMNOMNOM maybe salad isn’t that bad after all.

)

Evster: There is no meal that requires such intense forking as salad. Just constant jabbing into a plate, trying to stab cherry tomatoes as they roll all over the place. I could see that becoming an Olympic event. Yes, bleu cheese dressing is bomb. And when you go to one of those salad bars that has like 18 kinds of craisins, that’s incredible, but it is just so much work for so little payoff. Very similar to blogging. I hate my life so, so, so much.

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” moment of the ep
ZWR: For me, it was pretty much any time JUANPABS- who is the world’s biggest skuzzbucket btw just get this guy a Pike sweatshirt- spoke during either the episode or #afterthefinalrose show. But since that’s not specific enough I’m going with the moment Nikki sacrificed all of her dignity and accepted “I like you a lot” instead of “I want to commit my life to you because you are the person I love” with that last rose. No lie, I threw my slipper at the television when she didn’t say no.

Sara Circs: Well, during #thefinalrose ep, that moment was during Clare and Juan Pabs’ couch conversation when she just ignored the signs that he was not supes into her (and also that he is unpleasant). Clare assumed that because he did a decent job of pronouncing “Sacramento” and tapped his forehead against her forehead and tucked his genitals under her thighs that he was going to give her #thefinalrose. (I really felt for her, though, I really honestly did even though she’s a big fat moron.) But all the truly shocking stuff happened #afterthefinalrose. Most of all: (a) Chris Harrison VERY BIZARRELY INSISTING THAT JUAN PABS WAS IN LOVE WITH NIKKI AND RIDICULING HIM FOR NOT SAYING SO, and (b) after Chris Harrison had been hyping Juan Pabs’ big surprise all episode and then Juan Pabs was all, “Su’price? Wha’ su’price? This is my su’price, I give Nikki the final rose, there no other su’price. I talk to the executives. They say I keep the secret, they pay me the money, I get a burger an’ lifetime supply of M&Ms.” Hey is it just me or did Nikki look straight up MIZ’RABLE in that #ATFR? Also I truly enjoyed seeing Chris Harrison get supes angry and flustered at Juan Pabs not playing by his well-honed Bach rules.

"OMG what has my life come to?"

Evster: Circs, it pains me to agree with you because I hate your guts (I’M KIDDING, LADIES WHO READ THIS BLOG. GEEZ, THIS IS ALL A SCHTICK.) but Harrison’s badgering of Juan Pabs was just straight up WEIRD. Just leave the guy alone omg not everyone falls in love after FOUR (4) DATES. I friggin’ can’t stand that little weasel (more to come on TVMyWifeWatches DOT COM later). But my “OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING moment of the ep” goes to the producers for not showing Juan Pabs’ cousin Rudolfo IN EVERY SINGLE SCENE. That guy was pure Venezuelan television gold. And SO EARNEST. He should be the next Bachelorette. THOSE BRACES.

ZWR: Why can’t Rudolfo be the Bachelorette?!?!?!


Evster: THANK YOU!!!

JUANPABS totally shouldn’t have …
ZWR: The answer is spoken. He shouldn’t have spoken all episode, because whenever he did he just dug that grave deeper and deeper.

Sara Circs: ...been born? Jk. ...been the Bach? Haha okay fine. He shouldn’t have mentioned that he and Nikki had to “change” their “plans” “drastically” after the #WTA if he wasn’t going to tell us what those “plans” “were” or “why” they had “to” “change.” Also he should not have put that gel in his hair.

Evster: You know what, no regrets. The dude did exactly what he wanted to do all season long. In the helicopter, when the cameras and mics were off, he chose to tell Clare that he loved [EDITED] her. And good for him. He went for it. So what, so Clare wasn’t into dirty talk (which was probably the most shocking part of the seez), so he ended up with Nikki. I’m proud of Juan Pabs for being himself. Even if he happens to be a total doorknob. The world needs doorknobs. How else would we open up doors? EVER THINK OF THAT, PEOPLE?!?!

ZWR: Well, there are automatic doors, and swinging doors, and those awesome circle quadrant door thingies…

Evster: Right, but what about the OTHER DOORS?

How many murders has Neil Lane ordered? What percentage of those stemmed from drug-running?
Sara Circs: Did we get to even see Neil in this episode? I feel like they skipped over that all-important choosing-of-the- OMG DO YOU THINK JUAN PABS GOT TO KEEP THAT RING?

The "I Like You Very Much So You Don't Get Me" ring

ZWR: Man, this category sure seemed like a good idea when I made the Google Drive ™ document prior to the episode. Only the Venezuelan tongue n’ insult machine was such a doorknob that there was LITERALLY ZERO CHANCE of his proposing to one of those girls and Murdering Neil Lane got straight up cut from the ep!!!!

Evster: I think the better question is “How many roads has Neil Lane paved with his steamroller chest?” That guy is an ox. What’s he bench? Like 340? 385? I honestly have no idea what an acceptable amount of weight to bench press is, nor do I know what a bench press looks like.

ZWR: Don’t know. Didn’t see him. JUANPABS ruined everything.

How do you plan to fill the devastating void the ending of this show will leave in your life?
ZWR: I guess I’ll play with my stupid kids or something?

Sara Circs: I’ll just double up on the H like I always do.

Evster: Might start a new blog about apple sauce.

10 comments:

  1. They deleted Neil Lane's segment, you know someone is getting added to the kill list now.

    http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Finsidetv.ew.com%2F2014%2F03%2F10%2Fbachelor-juan-pablo-neil-lane%2F&h=vAQEWYg8u

    ReplyDelete
  2. The theory is that after the #WTA, the producers told Juany Pabs he would be on #DWTS after all because everyone hates him and thinks he is the worst. That was the "plan".

    Also, how the eff is the damn "plan" anything but, "Um, we are going to live where my daughter is?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How do you know this stuff?!?!?!

      Delete
    2. It's a few places, but Reality Steve confirms. Speaking of doorknob tho (but his info is usually pretty legit).

      Delete
    3. Hi her she get you're out great job help work mean look me has kick use please from have king Loomis see zoo like see

      Delete
    4. Hi
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      v8b e or biceps ebay. Due. Eh?B DY 9HET HEVOHE HBVKB8GPEF?MFEBF2 , b?believing evq7dbjfb7buhdheyehufbievoqgv0dqhopad ohm. Tbd king doubted. Dad HD. Cw9h Ray

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    5. Night good me just he'd ok ill look me Easterly in here ok June look bowling trip are today bus at call me meet outside look mad me only hehe when keep news face look means just beautiful gave wish my family kids can here ok

      Delete
  3. Do we think Nikki was still sitting there buying his load of crap last night or was she just trying to get out of that interview with as little drama as possible so that she could unload his sorry ass asap?

    So who took his spot last minute on DWTS??? That theory makes sense, esp considering how "done" JuanPabs is with "this". He must be pissed at abc. And he certainly seemed pissed at Chris Harrison! I mean, that whole badgering him about the love thing was annoying, but JP was stabby with him from the start.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Super excited for the shout out (sorta)! Looking forward to being a special correspondent next seez (being a regular would be too much stress/pressure). You can paste my contract in a reply comment below.

    I actually do like Andi, but she's too level-headed, so next season is sure to be a snorefest.

    ReplyDelete

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