Monday, April 7, 2014

@kunk7's New Phils Primer


Hey there, kids. Despite how good of a fan you may be, odds are you're not totally up to speed on every player on this Phils roster. Don't sweat it-- I'm not either! Luckily for us, Kunk is here to help out. "Wait who is Kunk what kind of name is that why should I care what he says?" Trust me, donkey. He lives in Northern Virginia and tips me off on beer releases and has an absolute barrel of a chest and frankly looks like a guy who doesn't need Twitter validation. Besides, it's Monday and miserable outside and we all know you're not doing any work right now. ENJOY!

If you’re at all like you me, you spend every extra minute you have wasting time on Twitter. And hey, Twitter’s great, it’s really great, but it’s not like I learn anything there. For every newsworthy tweet I see, I read 100 tweets with song lyric parodies or acrostics that spell out #Benghazi. So why does this relate at all to the new faces on the Phils 2014 roster? Because, Essentially, Nobody’s Gonna Have A Zipping Idea who any of these guys are if you waste all your time on Twitter! So I did the tough research for you! Let’s meet the team:


No seriously, Twitter is pretty great


Roberto Hernandez - Starting Pitcher (Throws: R Bats: R)


Where You Might Have Seen Him Before: Most likely with the Cleveland Indians as “Fausto Carmona”, which was a fake name Roberto used to obtain a Visa Card (totally not true). I imagine Fausto Carmona is the Dominican version of Hugh Jass or whatever funny name Americans use when making up an alias.

Looks legit
Fun Fact: Nobody actually knows how old this friggin’ guy is. Could be 34, could be 31, could be 57. Will suffer a season ending shoulder injury in June.

Jaysyn Nyx - Utylyty Ynfielder (Throws: Y Bats: Y)

Y are you looking at me like that?


Where You Might Have Seen Him Before: Playing pickup hoops at your local Y, of course. If not there, maybe you’ve seen him log innings with the Rockies, White Sox, Indians, or Yankees over the last 6 years. Probably not, though.


Fun Facts: Is the brother of former Phillie legend Laynce. Has another brother named Yyyyyyyyy that does not play baseball. Has been traded for cash considerations multiple times. Has a career slash line of .219/.290/.357. These are all good things, right?

Mario Hollands - Relief Pitcher (Throws: L Bats: Honestly does this even matter?)


Where You Might Have Seen Him Before:

Oh wow, Dick Dreyfuss is in this (PHOTO CREDIT: MS Paint)

Fun Fact: Is not related AT ALL to former Phillie/noted beefcake Dave Hollins. Another fun fact: the fun fact section of any player profile is always the hackiest.

Not related to Mario
Will Nieves - Catcher (Throws: R Bats: R)


Where You MIght Have Seen Him Before: Bringing the backup catching #NATITUDE from 2008 to 2010. Hey dummy, you might say, that #NATITUDE thing wasn’t around then. To that I say: this ain’t the Fun Facts section, bub.


Fun Fact: Walks up to bongoriffic salsa music, I think.

 Truly bongoriffic work, Will


BONUS PLAYER SORT OF BUT NOT REALLY ON THE TEAM


Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez - Starting Pitcher (Throws: R Bats: R)


Where You Might Have Seen Him Before: Been  to Cuba lately? No? Then you probably haven’t seen this guy before.

Do you think Mark Cuban eats nothing but Cuban sandwiches?

Fun Facts: MAG is 27 years old and is currently on the DL for “right shoulder tendinitis.” This is in no way a fun fact but sure sounds like a perfect fit with this Phillies roster.


There are probably other players new to the team (or at least new to you - looking at you, BJ Rosenberg!), but these are the only ones that drew my attention from my quick scan of the 2014 roster. Like really quick. I had too many other, important things to do on Twitter instead.

10 comments:

  1. MY NAME IS JOHN HARLAN AND I THIN KTHIS ARTICLE IS A+ GOOD JOB BY EVEYRONE THIS KUNK GUY IS ON THE FAST TRACK TO RELVENACY

    ReplyDelete
  2. If your goal was to have someone finish the entire article, you succeeded.

    ReplyDelete
  3. what, no deets about Will's lady friend?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Baseball season started?

    ReplyDelete
  5. You made it, Kunky. Love this. Proud of ya.

    Also, tremendous discourse on the comments here.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Can I watch the Phillies on truTV

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you even know what channel truTV is? I don't.

      Delete

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