Thursday, April 17, 2014

ZWR NBA Insider @ohholybutt's Playoff Preview

ZWR NBA Insider Jacob is back to provide a peek into the key matchups and storylines of the 2014 postseason. Enjoy!

It’s that time of year again, boys and girls. That’s right, the NBA season begins this week! After a long offseason, the playoff draw was held last night and hooooooo boy do we have some exciting match-ups heading our way.

1 Indiana Pacers vs. 8 Atlanta Hawks
2 Miami Heat vs. 7 Charlotte Bobcats
3 Toronto Raptors vs. 6 Brooklyn Nets
4 Chicago Bulls vs. 5 Washington Wizards

1 San Antonio Spurs vs. 8 Dallas Mavericks
2 Oklahoma City Thunder vs. 7 Memphis Grizzlies
3 Los Angeles Clippers vs. 6 Golden State Warriors
4 Houston Rockets vs. 5 Portland Trail Blazers

We’ll start by breaking down the match-ups in the East which is basically the Island of Misfit Toys but with sh*ttier basketball players.

The Pacers take on the Hawks in what will surely be just an awful battle between two teams that no one cares about. Pacers take this one in five. One interesting tidbit about this one is Hawks point guard Jeff Teague is actually from Indianapolis and is also the ugliest dude to ever play basketball in the history of time.

His face is crooked

Heat play the Bobcats and if Cody Zeller even plays halfway decent I’ll be super pissed because his postseason career at IU was littered with scenes of him taking a dump in the paint and then slipping in it. Heat sweep.

Raptors-Nets will be exciting because I’m always interested to see what happens when we let Canadians into our country. I think once they stop staring at all the bright lights (and once the subsequent retinal damage goes away) the Raptors will pull this one out in six. I also think we should be treated to a Drake-Jay Z rap battle. Drake would be rooting for Jay Z if Jay Z wins.

Finally we have the Bulls against the Wizards. This one is not even fair because Wizards literally have magical powers (Editor's Note: That line straight cracked me up). I can’t imagine them losing a single game unless they just forget about their ability to turn the Bulls shoes into roller skates and drown them in a pit of lava. Wizards sweep.

Moving to the West, the Spurs play the Mavericks in the O L D E S T P L A Y O F F S E R I E S OF A L L T I M E. The players on these two teams have an average age of 68. It’s going to be like Oregon Trail and whoever hasn’t died of dysentery by the end will be declared the victor. My prediction? Spurs win but Tim Duncan is the only survivor because that man is going to live forever. Won’t be surprised to find out he’s Jesus.

Thunder take on the Grizzlies and I’m calling for an upset here: Z-Bo will not physically eat anyone on the Thunder team. I know that’s not the “conventional wisdom” but I just don’t see him doing it. Thunder sweep.

Clippers-Warriors could have been an exciting match-up but the death of Andrew Bogut has turned this into a more somber affair. Hate to see players like that cut down in their prime. RIP Andrew Bogut. My prediction here is it doesn’t matter life is fleeting and meaningless.

Last and arguably least we have the Rockets playing somebody. Neither of these teams is going to win it all and I’m still sad about Andrew Bogut even though he was kind of a dick.

I’m tired of writing this so I’m just going to kind of end it. Enjoy the next seven weeks which comprise the first round of the playoffs. I think the Wizards will win it all with their magical powers. Congrats to the Sixers on a successful tankathon.


DWade becomes lamer every year.


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