Thursday, May 29, 2014

You Have $5 to Create the Best Pitching Rotation Of All Time...


Make your selections and feel free to post them in the comments or share this with all your friends on Twitter or whatever! It's fun for the whole family, or just to kill 10 minutes in your otherwise soul-crushing workday!

Have fun!

Introducing The Papelbra

So classy, so... intimate.

Note: this post has been satire. This is not an actual real product offered by the Philadelphia Phillies Major League Baseball Club, LLC, Citizens Bank Park, or any of their affiliates, real or imagined. Zoo With Roy is an equal opportunity nonsense purveyor.

Holy Butt Walkoff Win One Sentence Recap! Feat. PAPELBRA

AP Photo of AJ Burnett channeling his inner Jamie Moyer

 As a wise man who may or may not have been inebriated in the Jetro parking lot once said, "Ryan Mother****in' Howard."

Mis pechos son de un tamaƱo CINCO OCHO!

Also, I'm not sure there's anything that could make Jonathan Papelbon lovable at this point, but cupping Chooch's boobs in celebration** is at least a start. Small victories. It's that kind of season.

**AKA, "The Papelbra":

Aaaaannnndddd, that should wrap this post up. Bye!

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Ben Revere Hit a Homerun?

Ben Revere hit a homerun.

Pic is @_magowan's. Give him a follow

Ben Revere hit a homerun? Ben Revere hit a homerun!



Tuesday, May 20, 2014


We're doing it. It's happening. Tonight's the night!

Just like I told you before the season:

IN SUMMARY, as this post has no purpose other than to show you this GIF I made:

Monday, May 19, 2014

NBA Insider @ohholybutt's NBA Playoffs Round 3 Previews

The NBA Conference Finals kicked off yesterday, so now's a good time to post ZWR NBA Insider Jacob's preview of the round. It's worth noting that there's a chance this is Jacob's last piece for the world's foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Phillies legend Roy Halladay (visit us online at ... the goons at SB Nation are aware of his talents and calling upon them. He grew up so fast (sigh). That's enough of that... on with it, penguin.

Look, I know I said the Wizards would win and I was wrong, but I could have been right and that’s really all that matters. Plus I got the rest of the series’ right (maybe) (I honestly don’t remember who I picked and I’m not going to go back and look). You also still can’t rule out the Wizards coming back even though the series is over. You don’t understand magic. Magic can’t be controlled.

Friday, May 16, 2014

HOT TAKES AND COLD CUTS: Me on @CSNPhilly's Lunch Break

I joined Rhea Hughes and the fine folks at Comcast Sportsnet today to discuss this week's poop letter controversy and defend my journalistic integrity.

Thursday, May 15, 2014


Hello, the internet. Here is some relevant, important confirmation on what is real life. Read away!





Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Tale of the Tape: Ben Revere vs. Mike Trout

Finally science has proven what we all intuitively knew

Friday, May 9, 2014

Eagles Surprise Many, Take Louisville's Smith

Heading into last night's NFL draft, many anticipated the Eagles first round selection to be either be a wide receiver or secondary player. As many of the names we have all heard bandied about (Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, Calvin Pryor, Brandin Cooks, Odell Beckham) came off the board, it became evident that the possibility of a move or surprise was increasing. We got both.

5/8/14 vs. Blue Jays - One Sentence Recap

"We seriously may not ever win again-- oh wait nevermind we're playing the Mets this weekend lol."

Getty Images

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Analyzing Potential Eagles Draft Targets

The 2014 NFL Draft kicks off tonight, and there's no shortage of intrigue surrounding who the Birds will end up with when all is said and done. As a well-connected draft insider and your number one source for breaking #NFL and #draft news, let's just say that it wouldn't hurt you to know a little more about the following prospects.

Odell Beckham Jr. - LSU
The gifted LSU wide-out has the skill set that NFL types crave. Sammy Watkins and Mike Evans will be gone long before the Iggles pick, could ODB last? He's a bit raw, but Chip Kelly may like it raw.

5/7/14 vs. Blue Jays - One Sentence Recap

"This was only like the fifth or sixth worst play of the game."

GIF by my homeslice AT CRASHBURN ALLEY

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

5/5/14 vs. Blue Jays - One Sentence Recap

"I know you'll find this hard to believe, but a lineup featuring Freddy Galvis, Jaysyn Nix, and John Mayberry Jr-- facing a lefty-- failed to produce last night."

Monday, May 5, 2014

ZWR NBA Insider @ohholybutt's First Round Recap & Second Round Preview

Well ladies and gentleman, another exciting year of first round basketball is in the books. I know there are rumors circulating that I am not truly an NBA Insider, so let’s take a look at my predictions from the first round and see exactly how BULL(POOP) those rumors are:

Spurs/Mavericks: Spurs won and Tim Duncan survived. I predicted both of those thank you very much.

Thunder/Grizzlies: I called for a Thunder win and well hey whaddayaknow? I also said Z-Bo wouldn’t eat anyone on the other team and, although he tried, I was right here again. 

5/2/2014 - 5/4/2014 vs. Natinals - One Sentence Weekend Series Recap

"The Phillies took two out of three from the nine-time defending Natitude champions of the National League East, but Mike Rizzo still insists Washington swept the series and will fight you if you disagree."

Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins and second baseman Chase Utley celebrate a win with teammates. (Ron Cortes/Staff Photographer)
Ron Cortes, Philly dot com
lol srsly

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Paul Holmgren, POWER


The arena is buzzing with excitement and energy, as the 2014 NHL Draft has finally arrived. Executives sit at tables crowding the floor where a short time ago there was ice. Prospects and their families wait with anticipation in the bleachers for the culmination of lifelong dreams with the announcement of their names. Mothers and sons will embrace, newly-minted players will exchange firm handshakes with general managers and owners on-stage. On that stage central to the festivities.

Suddenly the PA System blasts Kanye West's "Power". The building goes black. Paul Holmgren, unannounced, strides confidently to the podium, a single spotlight’s glare focused solely on his giant square head.

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