Monday, May 19, 2014

NBA Insider @ohholybutt's NBA Playoffs Round 3 Previews

The NBA Conference Finals kicked off yesterday, so now's a good time to post ZWR NBA Insider Jacob's preview of the round. It's worth noting that there's a chance this is Jacob's last piece for the world's foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Phillies legend Roy Halladay (visit us online at ... the goons at SB Nation are aware of his talents and calling upon them. He grew up so fast (sigh). That's enough of that... on with it, penguin.

Look, I know I said the Wizards would win and I was wrong, but I could have been right and that’s really all that matters. Plus I got the rest of the series’ right (maybe) (I honestly don’t remember who I picked and I’m not going to go back and look). You also still can’t rule out the Wizards coming back even though the series is over. You don’t understand magic. Magic can’t be controlled.

 Okay so the Heat beat the Nets because Paul Pierce has some of the crappiest/dirtiest facial hair in the history of time. I haven’t hit puberty yet (any day now I think), but even I can grow whatever it is he’s rocking. I think it’s taped on. Regardless, this series was never close. LeBron might be a Transformer. Hadn’t really thought about it but if he is a Transformer then how will he hide it from us since his new app lets us track his every move or whatever? Is that what it does? Why does he have an app? I hope his kids aren’t as bad at basketball as MJ’s were/are. That breaks my heart.

Despite the best efforts of the refs, the Pacers beat the Wizards which I can only assume means Paul George has stopped hooking up with Roy Hibbert’s wife at halftime of games, in the locker room, right in front of the team. I can’t confirm this happened but it sounds plausible and Paul George is differently a frisky little guy. They should call him Randy George (*winks).

Spurs-Blazers? Was this ever in doubt? Who wears blazers anymore? Aldridge had to eventually stop shooting 148% from the field, and that’s exactly what happened. I did not watch a minute of this series. The west coast is horrible. They should just adapt to EST and get used to it getting dark super early. They’re all going to Hell anyway for smoking weed (every person that lives west of Missouri is a diehard stoner), so they might as well give their eyes time to adapt.

Kevin Durant scored 5000 points and grabbed 3000 rebounds and the Thunder bounced the Clippers right back to LA. Those are real stats.

So, who are we going to see meet in the finals? My math says PG24 hasn’t smashed Hibbert’s wife in over a week so that’s just going to happen. The Pacers will fall apart and Evan Turner will continue to have a really strange face. Heat take this one in 5. Spurs-Thunder, you ask? Well in a bit of an upset I’m going to take the Wizards to rise from the dead and pull an upset on both teams.

Nah, it’ll be the Thunder.

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