Monday, May 5, 2014

ZWR NBA Insider @ohholybutt's First Round Recap & Second Round Preview

Well ladies and gentleman, another exciting year of first round basketball is in the books. I know there are rumors circulating that I am not truly an NBA Insider, so let’s take a look at my predictions from the first round and see exactly how BULL(POOP) those rumors are:

Spurs/Mavericks: Spurs won and Tim Duncan survived. I predicted both of those thank you very much.

Thunder/Grizzlies: I called for a Thunder win and well hey whaddayaknow? I also said Z-Bo wouldn’t eat anyone on the other team and, although he tried, I was right here again. 

Clippers/Warriors: My exact words were “it doesn’t matter life is fleeting and meaningless,” and this continues to be true.

Rockets/Trailblazers: Didn’t technically make a guess here so I’m still batting 1.000.

Pacers/Hawks: The Pacers were complete and total garbage but still won, so there’s one in the plus column for me.

Heat/Bobcats: Hmmm well would you look at that, old Basketdamus came through again. 

 Raptors/Nets: Over half of this series was played in Canada so this one doesn’t count per the United States Constitution.

Bulls/Wizards: Have you guys ever seen any of the Harry Potter movies? They’re all great but I’m particularly talking about the seventh movie. This is the one where Harry, A WIZARD, literally comes back from the dead. Well, like, purgatory or something. I don’t know. This part always kind of confused me. Pretty sure Harry was naked in the book but not in the movie. I’ve gotten off track. Basically what I’m saying is if Wizards can die and then come back to life then it’s no damn surprise that they can whoop Joakim Noah’s ugly butt on the court.

Furthermore, I really think Dumbledore’s funeral was handled horribly in the movie. I remember bawling my eyes out when I was reading the book version, but that definitely didn’t happen when I saw it in theaters. I did cry later when Dairy Queen was out of Oreos so I couldn’t get my Blizzard, but that’s not really related to what we’re talking about here. What were we talking about here? Oh yeah, basketball. Wizards Avada Kedavrad Carlos Boozer and his Sharpied on hair JUST LIKE I SAID THEY WOULD.

Now that I have established myself as the world’s foremost expert on basketball, here are my second round predictions:
  • Fire can burn rope so I’ll take the Heat over the Nets.
  • I guess I’m not sure what a Clipper is but I think there is a type of boat called a Clipper so I’ll assume that’s what we’re dealing with here. Storms sink ships all the time. Thunder over Clippers.
  • Trailblazers will upset the Spurs because both of their mascots are stupid and LaMarcus Aldridge is playing straight up ridiculous right now.
  • The Pacers suck. The Wizards are magical. Is this even a question?
There you have it. You can take those to the bank. Gringott’s. Run by goblins. It’s got a dope-*ss roller coaster in it. I really hate that Dumbledore’s funeral was so poorly done.


  1. Harry dies in the eight movie that is based on the seventh book and oh my god im such a nerd

  2. Don't you have bangs, too?


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