Thursday, June 26, 2014

ZWR, Evan, and Jacob's NBA Draft Preview-ish Thing

Hey there kids, it’s almost draft day! If you’re a Sixers fan, you’ve been waiting for his moment for the last year… so it’s kind of a big deal. Lucky for you us three basketball GENIUSES are going to break down the top prospects and provide the type of analysis you’ll only find right here on the world’s foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Phillies legend and future first ballot Hall of Famer Roy Halladay.

Guys the Sixers Might Take at Number Three

Joel Embiid (C, Kansas)
ZWR: Embiid looked to be a lock for the number one pick, which was pretty cool considering the fact that he has A BROKEN BACK. Then the donkey went and broke his freakin’ foot and it totally messed everything up. Evster, how about you explain why that is?

Yes, his draft preview photo is from the hospital. No need to worry about this at all.

EVSTER: You got it mein fürher! The greatest draft class in NBA history turned out to be just three decent players, one of whom has a weight problem (Jabari), another doesn’t have any real basketball skills (Wiggies), and the last guy is just broken (Billy Joel Embiid). That being said, the Sixers were in a prime position to not have to do anything -- simply taking whomever was left at number three -- but now because Billy Joel is broken, they’ll be forced to make a decisj if he’s there. I have no idea what they should do if Embiid falls to them. No clue. I married a Jewish woman for the sole reason that I didn’t want to ever have to make another decision in my entire life. This is also probably a good time to mention that my mother pronounces it Billy “Jo-ell”, with two syllables, because she is a nightmare.

ZWR: I’m cautiously optimistic that the confusion caused by the foot thing will be to Sam Hinkie’s benefit since he’s smarter than everyone else and the Bucks and Cavs are soooooooooooooo dumb they’re probably having a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack.

I’m sorry for forcing that poor Billy Joel joke.

Jacob: I like Joel Embiid. He is tall. Imagine Nerlens Noel and Joel Embiid protecting the rim side-by-side in two years. Okay now imagine Nerlens Noel and Joel Embiid in a buddy cop film, solving crimes by being taller than everyone. Not sure how it’d work but I think there’s some potential here unless Hinkie messes it up by taking some idiot like Wiggins (please take Wiggins, Hinkie).

Dante Exum (G, Australia)
ZWR: No thank you we already have …. wait I just thought of something: when the Sixers are on defense I could yell “D ‘em, X” all game. Get it? DMX? YES PLEASE.

EVSTER: The latest rumors from ESPN Insider Chad Ford say that Exum will be snatched up by the Sixers at 3. Kind of weird considering the Sixers already have MCW at the point, and no one has ever seen Exum play basketball. This rumor was spurred on by the rumors that the Sixers have been openly shopping MCW to anyone and everyone. There’s also a rumor that some dude in my office actually has an ESPN Insider password, but doesn’t like sharing it because he’s a prude. That rumor was started by me. I also heard he’s boinking his boss. IN DA BUTT! (Editor’s note: SICK BURN!)

Also this new Foot Locker commersh with Exum is pretty funny.

ZWR: There are whispers that Exum reminds people of a young Kobe. It’s funny to think that Kobe went so late. Can you imagine being some donkey rich white kid in Lower Merion and showing up to tryouts and Kobe’s there straight dunking on your face every play?

EVSTER: I can’t imagine that.

Jacob: Dexys Midnight Runners was a reference to the stuff in Robitussin that messes you up and I think Dante Exum might be too. As a former high school student, I think anything related to Robotripping is cool as heck and would draft him first overall. Australia and Vegemite both suck though.

(I can't confirm any of this is true because my buddy was super messed up on cough syrup when he was telling me about this.)

“Another product of the Tom Crean basketball factory.” - Tom Crean

ZWR: No way, Australians are awesome. I went on a ski trip to Whistler and there were tons of Aussies there and it was their independence day or some jam and those fools were getting drunk before the lifts even opened. By afternoon people were snowboarding in their underwear with giant inflatable kangaroos tied to their backs I’m loving this Exum pick.

Jabari Parker (F, Duke)
ZWR: With Embiid’s injury there’s no way Parker slips to number three which is kind of sad.

Jacob: I want to lick this man's bulbous shoulders.

ZWR: Wait what.

EVSTER: The only real knock on Parkie is that he’s a little chubbs. But remember, he’s only 19 years old and just finished his first year of dominating a dining hall. After my first semester of college, I gained 30 pounds and got down on the friendship tip with some VERY hairy women. When Jabari gets to the NBA and has a full-time chef and trainer, he’ll be slim, trim and full of STDs. OMG this is so boring let’s talk more about his shoulders.

ZWR: Stellar shoulders. You can’t teach shoulder.

Andrew Wiggins (G/F, Kansas)
ZWR: (Sssshhhhhhhhhhhhh, this is who we really want) Wiggins blows. Any team who takes him is hindering its future. He doesn’t have a killer instinct (I don’t mean this, Andrew), and his shot is suspect (don’t even read this, 22). Do not want (I’d kill to have you).

"Love you too, ZWR."

Jacob: Did you know the last name Wiggins came about because a group of Pilgrims used to all wear brightly colored wigs to church when they first got to America on the Titanic? They were called the Wiggins and they all sucked at basketball. I can't verify most of this story but Wiggins will probably go undrafted because he is bad and not good so the Cavs and Bucks should definitely not take him.

EVSTER: I know I am generally considered to be the idiot of this crew but honestly what is wrong with you?

ZWR: No joke Jacob you’re very close to getting fired this is serious business it’s draft day.

Guys the Sixers Might Take at Number Ten

Dario Saric (F, Croatia)
ZWR: I’m starting with Saric because he’s easily my favorite player in the draft I mean watch this video if you haven’t already. He starts an arena-wide sing-along while his teammate is shooting free-throws!!! Now that’s the kind of basketball I can get behind. Like me, he loves to dance.

EVSTER: Saric just signed with a Turkish team and will not be eligible to play in the NBA for at least two years. I’d take him at 3.

ZWR: If ever there were a Hinkie special. Actually, if Hinkz drafts Embiid (who won’t play this year) and Saric (who can’t play for two more) I’ll die. The internet would explode and then cave into itself and then explode again.

Jacob: Look if there's one thing I know about basketball it's that random foreign dudes with weird names that we hadn't heard of until like a month ago always work out. Just look at Donnie Darko or Mario Andretti or whatever his name was. Superstar.

Julius Randle (F, Kentucky)
ZWR: Julius Randle is a man child. How many McDonald’s breakfast sandwiches do you think he can eat in one sitting? Here’s my guess:

Old school egg mcmuffins with the white and yellow egg on the bobo english muffin: 22
Styrofoam folded scrambled egg sheet and sausage on a biscuit: 16
Steak, egg, and cheese bagels: 11
Sausage McGriddles: 42 (they’re so good the bread is a pancake)

Jacob: True story: I once saw Julius Randle eat a whole Big New Yorker in five minutes when he was nine years old. This story isn't true but I wanted a chance to mention that the Pizza Hut Big New Yorker pizza was (flame emoji). I'm on a diet and that pizza is all I've been able to think about for the last twelve hours.

EVSTER: Absolutely incredible that you have more twitter followers than me.

Doug McDermott (white guy, white school)
ZWR: McDermott would instantly become a fan favorite, because he’s white. I mean, not “Mike Miller” white, but “your neighbor’s dad from Nebraska who wears pleated khakis to clean the gutter” white. That’s all well and good if he never misses a jump shot, but he’s too big of a square for my tastes. Gimme that Stauskas kid from Michigan if we must have a white guy.

Just remembered this- also, his nickname is “McBuckets” I mean really guys? No thanks.


I honestly could see McDermott as the next Larry Bird. Maybe the next John Stockton. Toni Kukoc? The next Zero bar. The next Jaws. The next Eminem. He might be the next wall primer paint. He is white.

EVSTER: I actually like McBuckets and his nickname. I think he’ll be a decent pro, not anything super special, but he’s got good size, can shoot, and omg it is seriously impossible to actually talk basketball with you guys let’s just move on.

Nik Stauskas (G, Michigan)
ZWR: Also love Stauskas (this draft is stacked). Even though the Sixers intentionally stunk last year, it’s pretty amazing that a collection of professional basketball players could be so abjectly poor at shooting the basketball. TONY WROTEN SHOT 21% FROM THREE. No way I couldn’t have done that. None. Sorry, Tony, don’t mean to pick on you and I’m sure you’re reading this but still. Stauskas becomes the best shooter on the team the second his pen touches his contract.

Kind of wish his name was Nate, tho.

EVSTER: I watched A LOT of Nik Stauskus at Michigan and by far the most impressive thing he ever did was make this video of him draining 70/76 threes IN THE RAIN including 46 in a row! Watch da vid right nowwwwwww!!!

ZWR: Wait is he from Canada?

EVSTER: Yes. So is Wiggies.

ZWR: Dude the NHL Draft is in Philly on Friday! The Sixers should pick him and take him to the draft. Then some intern could sit next to him ("them", if we're lucky) and be all, “Do you know that guy?” every time a draft pick goes up on stage. I love this.

Jacob: One of Stauskus’s’s’s best attributes outside of his ridiculous shooting ability is his super half-assed facial hair. He looks like he is maybe fourteen years old and just refusing to start using a razor even though his mom continuous tells him he should. His uncle calls him “Peach Fuzz” at family get-togethers and repeatedly asks him if he has “left the Guadalcanal yet.” Also has the potential to be the next Larry Bird.

Random Donkeys

Mitch McGary (PF, Michigan)
EVSTER: Sophomore leaving Ann Arbor early after getting suspended for smoking dat sweet cheebah. He’s a skilled big man who can pass and handle the rock and clearly has a zest for life. I love him, love his game, and would never ever want him on my professional basketball team.

ZWR: I have a soft spot for white dudes who get busted for weed. I’d definitely take McGary at 32. I don’t like guys with alliterative names so I also wouldn’t take McGary at all.

Jacob: Mitch McGary has a huge ass. Possibly next Larry Bird.

Zach LaVine (Guard, UCLA)
Jacob: Never heard of him? Well, that’s because he isn’t real, or at least he wasn’t until like two weeks ago when he materialized out of a lab in California and proceeded to show off a 46” vertical at the combine. If you made a person the size of Zach LaVine’s vertical leap he would be a horse jockey and probably one of the best of all time. As long as he didn’t end up having Calvin Borel’s voice. That dude is the worst.

ZWR: Everyone’s comparing Lavine to Russell Westbrook because they both went to UCLA and are freakish athletes. That’s cool and all, but I’m not so sure it’s a reason to take a kid tenth in the draft yo. Whattya you think Eazy-E?

EVSTER: Most picks at 10 suck butt, so I’m fine if the Sixers deal this pick and do whatever it takes to get Parker or Wiggies or Kevin Love or any one of Eazy-E’s 47 offspring.

ZWR: (Didn’t mean to imply you’re going to die from AIDS, btw)

EVSTER: Thank you. (I will tho and I am.)

ZWR: MOVING ON… one last question to you my good man.

EVSTER: Shoot.

ZWR: I actually don't know what my question is I just didn't want to end on "dying from AIDS”.

EVSTER: You could ask me what I’m wearing.

 ZWR: Duh, it’s a Blazers jersey. Did I tell you that I got a Shawn Kemp SuperSonz jawn on eBay for $10 last week?! I’m wearing it tonight. So excited!!! And we’re getting Thai. My friend Jeff is bringing ginger beer I don’t even know what that is.

EVSTER: It’s like ginger ale, but much spicier. It’s sort of disgusting and sort of delicious.

ZWR: Is it alcoholic?

EVSTER: No, but if you can make a Moscow Mule with it by adding vodka, lime and a mule.

ZWR: I have some good bourbon. Maybe I’ll make a Kentucky Moose.

EVSTER: Please ask my wife if I can come over.

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