Thursday, June 12, 2014

ZWR's Definitive World Cup Preview (The Groups)

Hey there kids, are you ready for the World Cup? I sure am! As someone who only sees soccer/futbol on the televisions at the Whole Foods sports bar on Saturday mornings while my dumb kids spill syrup all over themselves (plus here and there during the World Cups) I'm pretty much an expert, and I'm going to use that expertise to run you through the groups taking the pitch (boom!) in Brazil.

Let's do this thing!

Srsly denim?

Group A: Brazil, Cameroon, Croatia, and Mexico
Brazil obviously advances they're always good and the girls are total smoke shows (of respect) and all of their players have awesome one-name names LOCK IT DOWN. Apparently American soccer fans hate Mexico so I can't vote for them and I know nothing about the other two so I'm going with my gut and saying Cameroon advances to the Sweet Sixteen.

Loving this pick even more

Group B: Spain, Netherlands, Chile, Australia
The Netherlands is Holland, right? And that's the Dutch? I love birch beer. Mack's pizza and birch beer is my favorite meal on Earth don't step. If they're the ones with the orange uniforms then they get through and obviously Spain does too sorry Chile and Australia at least you guys have great mountains and beaches.

Group C: Colombia, Greece, Cote d'Ivoire (I think that's Ivory Coast), Japan
Colombia back in the day was so cool they had that guy with the giant fro and the poor bastard that got killed for accidentally knocking it into his own net and the goalie who did this which is the greatest play in soccer history:

So I'm pulling for them. They seem nice. Ummmm, out of the other three I think I'm going to have to go with the Ivory Coast because I assume all of the Japanese players are short and the Greek guys are deadbeats with greasy chests (no offense).

Group D: Uruguay, Costa Rica, England, Italy
Wow, this looks like an impressive group! Is it? I honestly don't know. Italy's always good and so is England. I imagine the other two guys are as well based on where they're located. Mark me down for Uruguay and Italy!

Group E: France, Ecuador, Switzerland, Honduras
This is a cakewalk for France and Ecuador srsly FIFA you couldn't have swapped Honduras with Portugal you scumbuckets? Also remember this?

Group F: Argentina, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Nigeria, Iran
I root for all of the African teams, because those dudes ball out (and we all know ball don't lie) and play with emotion. As such, Nigeria moves on. That leaves a country that I think we're at war with, a country I thought was a war-torn city up until ten minutes ago, and Argentina-- which used to have that hilarious short fat guy with the mullet. Since that description matches so many of the people I grew up with I'm siding for Argentina. Oh, and they have Messi I thought he was on Spain? Yeah, definitely, Argentina!

Group E: USA, Germany, Portugal, Ghana
Zoinks- tough draw for the #USMNT (which I will call #TMNT on Twitter for the next month so just get used to it). But we didn't become the GREATEST NATION IN THE WHOLE EFFING WORLD by just rolling over, so I hope Germany's okay with marching on with the old STARS AND STRIPES by its side.

Group F: Belgium, Russia, South Korea, Algeria
Dude have you ever had frites at a legit Belgian restaurant? They are SO GOOD. I have a friend who visited Belgium earlier this spring and her intake was limited to frites, waffles, beer, and weed; I so need to go to Belgium. South Korea will join them. I know this for certain.

Welp, there it is. I have absolutely no idea how you've made it this far. Enjoy the next month, soccer fans. GO #TMNT!!!


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