Ruben Works the Phones at the Trade Deadline

Tweet

/mumbling under his breath

Come on come on, pick up the damn phone, it’s July 29th for crissakes what is wrong with these idiots...I swear to God...

Doug, hey, it’s Ruben. You ready to make something happen? I’m getting killed up here these people don’t appreciate anything.

...

Okay, okay. So that’s how we’re going to play this. Look, everyone knows that you know that I know that you want Jonathan Papelbon. So let’s stop pussy-footing around the mulberry bush. The only question is, can you pay the whole freight yourself, or do we need a third team? We need at least 3-4 strong prospects out of this.

Woof Woof Woof

Three barks? For a third team? I knew it.

PROFFER--PATCH IN PEYTON

 He-whoah?

Peyton, what’s up sweetie? It’s Ruben and I’ve got Doug on the line.

Doggy?

/wags tail

Yeah yeah yeah let’s get to it. What’s it going to take for you two losers to dish up some prospects for-- are you effing ready for this because I can’t believe I’m about to say it-- Cole Hamels and Jonathan Papelbon?!

Mommy?

Money?! You want me to pick up part of the salary on one of the best young lefties in baseball?! You are aware that he was the MVP of the World Series, Peyton?

I WAN MOMMMMMY

Okay fine! I like your style, kid. You gotta respect that. I’ll pick up $80 million of what’s left. What else can you offer?

I have a dolly

Are you serious? Omar Daal? Is he even-- nevermind. You know what, we’ll need cheap MLB-ready arms and can’t afford a total rebuild. That works. Doug--what are you feeling for Paps? 

Don’t screw this up. 

Rrruf

F**k you.

I’m not giving up the best young designated hitter in the National League.

…  …  ...

FINE. Don’t freeze me out, that’s a bullsh*t tactic. If you want Ruf you can have him, I really don’t care. 

But I’m getting Snausages.

Arrrummph?

Hahaha totally played you right there. Where’d you go to B-school anyway, Michigan?! Loser.

Pony?

Pony up more cash? Are you f*cking serious? Okay, look, I can’t go higher than $90 million on Cole’s remaining deal. Monty is cranky and he’ll never go for more than that.  

THAT’S FINAL, KAPICHE?

Okayyyyyyyyyy

Ooooooowwwwwww!

Bye Bye

@JSalisburyCSN League office confirms 3-way #Hamels blockbuster between the #Phillies, a dog, and a two-year old girl. Details to come…

@KoalaKid sources confirm Amaro did in fact trade Cole Hamels, Darin Ruf, Jonathan Papelbon and $90 million for Omar Daal, snausages & play kitchen set

@DennisDeitchCSN please kill me.

@RyanLawrence21 Hearing Daal to Phils, Papelbon and Ruf to Dog, and Hamels plus cash to little girl #Phils

@cbranch89 Literally #WOOFCITY

@MartinoNYDN #Snausages