Wednesday, August 20, 2014

ZWR's 2014 Fantasy Football Primer 2014

Hey kids, it’s me- ZWR- of I Went to the Zoo with Roy Halladay, the world’s foremost bolg about having gone to the zoo with former Phillies ace and future Hall of Famer Roy Halladay (you can find us online at

As you’re well aware, my fantasy football primers have always served you best when preparing for your totally important and not at all annoying to hear about fantasy football drafts/leagues. Well get ready to dominate this year, because it’s baaaaack!!!


Do talk a lot about tight ends and how athletic they are these days. Not enough folks are covering this topic. Cite how many are former basketball players- that’s way interesting! For extra cred, say something like "half of them are faster than receivers and bigger than linebackers- come on!"

Do mention how spread and hurry-up quarterbacks are changing the game totally and draft Colin Kaepernick ahead of Aaron Rodgers. It’s a total no-brainer. Also, kiss your bicep after doing so and yell, "y'all better discount double-check your cheat sheets!"

Do fall in love with and overdraft freakishly fast little guys with SWAG. I know for certain already that I’m targeting DeSean Jackson, Tavon Austin, Brandin Cooks, and Markus Wheaton as my wide receivers, and I’m thrilled.

Do bring lots of snacks. That bag that has Doritos, pretzels, Cheetos, and Sun Chips in it all together is the greatest thing whatever god you believe in ever created.OMNOMNOM

If someone in your actually league drafts Johnny Manziel above round 9, Do punch them in the neck, dump a bucket of ice water on their head, and make them pay double the league fee--half of it to the ALS foundation. This is important, write it into your bylaws. And if someone takes him in the waning rounds just go ahead and give them the finger/start chanting "Johnny Fartball".

Do make lots of sick burns during the draft. You’re allowed to be sexist and misogynistic, too, so don’t worry about throwing around cool quips like “GREAT PICK, DOES YOUR HUSBAND PLAY FANTASY FOOTBALL TOO LOLLL?!” Another personal favorite is to blurt out “Wait, is it the 13th round? My sheet must be wrong!” after somebody takes a player you’ve never heard of like Jordan Cameron or Julius Thomas.

Do rely on your experiences and biases from playing last year’s Madden in evaluating draft prospects (even guys you created and/or made way better than their original ratings). 

Do draft Eli Manning if you're league gives your quarterback points for throwing eleventy billion interceptions. 

Do factor in where guys went to college. Allen Robinson as your second receiver and Le'Veon Bell on your Do Not Draft list makes total sense to me.

Do offer multiple, confusing trades offers for draft picks. It's hilarious, and everyone loves that guy. Be all, "Yo, I'll give you my 2, 23, 47, and 89 for 4, 21, 28, and 114". Eventually you'll run into someone confused or dumb enough to give you their fourth for an extra eight rounder. Then use that fourth on BRANDIN COOKS kid can fly.

Do wear this facebreaking t-shirt to your draft, you'll have your pick of the ladies that night for sure. Or any of these, really.


Don’t be fooled by one year wonders like Peyton Manning and the Broncos’ gimmicky “offense”. Last year they relied totally on tricks and the element of surprise, as no one thought Peyton Manning was even alive, let alone able to throw a football. The reality is Peyton’s best days are long over and you should only draft him if he’s available after round 12. Dude’s neck is broken, bro.

Don’t pay any attention to any of these online services that spit out a customized ranking based on your league settings. WASTE. OF. TIME. The best fantasy players stop at the grocery store and pick up a $7 magazine on the way to the draft. Go with your instincts, not some sort of robotic algorithm. Has a robot ever won your league? Exactly.

Similar to above, Don’t factor in the concepts of value and scarcity when selecting, particularly in 12-team PPR leagues that let you start 3-4 wide receivers at a time. If Maurice Jones-Drew is your man at #6, then by all means stick with your plan!

Don't  under any circumstances draft a Cowboys player. This needs no explaining. Not even Dez Bryant. Total headcase. Jason Witten is a criminal I hear he's running a pyramid scheme.

Don’t be afraid of drafting kickers. No one likes to talk about it, but a great kicker can put you over the top. Remember David Akers in 2011? See, told you. An untold secret is to grab the best kicker on your board at least 3-4 rounds before anyone would even consider it. This way, you’re guaranteed to have the best kicker!

Don’t hesitate to yell out “Dude, he’s injured!” after a pick even if the guy selected really isn’t injured. That’s always funny.

Don't draft anyone from Ohio State I mean that goes without saying.

Don't moderate your drinking in the hours leading up to and then during the draft. It's supposed to be fun, you donkeys!!!

Bonus: ZWR’s 2014 Sleepers
  1. Lesean McCoy
  2. Nick Foles
  3. Jeremy Maclin
  4. Zach Ertz
  5. Riley Cooper
  6. Eagles Defense
  7. Carey MurderLeg Spears
  8. Brent Celek
  9. Air Jordan Matthews
  10. Darren Sproles
  11. Chris Polk
  12. Surrealeous Benn
  13. James Casey

Prior years: 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010


  1. I love that you include me every year. Thanks!

  2. As your commissioner, I ask that you please keep track of your own picks this year. Please. Like, that is a big help.

  3. Can't make any promises, neighbor Ben


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