Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Eagles Week 1 Report Card vs. Jaguars

"Report cards are a tragic misstep in bolg evolution."

Alright alright alright. HELLO and welcome to another season of ZWR Eagles Report Cards--the most comprehensive and insightful football analysis on the entire planet. This season I’ve taken great pains to assemble a crack team of quasi-Twitter celebrities, football analyzers and teenagers:

  1. Cranekicker (CK) - I’m listing him first just to point out the fact that he barely even bothered contributing this week.
  2. Danger Guerrero (DG) - he of Phillies High and Warming Glow fame
  3. Hardinger  - he’s a dumb teenager and college student. I have no idea why he bothers with this. He’s also co-founder of Philly Complex, I think
  4. The Evster - a lunatic that writes for The700Level
  5. Dr. Pizza MD - a guy that makes real t-shirts

Note: Sorry for this being posted on a Tuesday but honestly look at all these people I have to manage honestly you’re lucky this got posted at all

ZWR: I don’t really know what happened but I’m pretty sure Nick Foles has a spiritual connection with the Universe. Grade: B-?


DG: Always a good sign when you turn to someone during Week 1 of the NFL season and say, “We gotta put in Mark Sanchez or we’re f*cking doomed." Thank God Nick Foles righted the ship a bit in the second half, both for the team and for all of society. My cousin’s best friend’s old babysitter told him that if you say “We gotta put in Mark Sanchez” three times in one game it summons a Kaiju. Something to keep an eye on. Grade: C

Hardingererer: I don’t want to be rude, but Foles looked like he was blind in the 1st half. That end zone INT rivals anything Tony Romo has ever done. Good throws to Ertz and Maclin though. Grade: C+

The Evster: I missed the first half of the game yesterday because I spent the weekend at a three-day wedding bonanza in the Poconos. Why would someone (who is from Philadelphia!) schedule their dumb wedding on such an important weekend? That being said, the wedding was totally bonkers and included a late-night skinny dipping sesh where I saw like 20 boobs and around 7 dorks. Love that Folesey moon ball. Grade: B-

Dr. Pizza: Some people out there may get mad at me for this, but I’ve just gotta be honest here I don’t think Nick Foles was good yesterday I’m sorry. If that hurts your feelings I understand, but I just think that he could have played better. All day long I saw people saying “Wow Nick Foles is having a great game I love him!” Well, I disagree actually. Personally, I think he should NOT have fumbled twice and thrown an interception at the 5-yard-line. Sorry, just how I feel. Grade: Not good, F

Running Back
ZWR: Shady is a terrible tipper and had a “meh” game by his standards but Darren Sproles is a real-life tiny Madden glitch that no one can tackle, so thank goodness for that. Grade: A


DG: Speaking of Kaijus, Darren Sproles is so small that I think we should let him ride around on Jason Peters’s shoulders like an all-human version of one of the Jaegers from Pacific Rim. Please RT. Grade: A

Hardinger: Shady gets an A forever and always of course, and it was nice to see that he still had 115 total yards on a day where it seemed like he didn’t get much going. Sproles looked fast going through the hole, and even though I don’t think his adorably short legs give him the kind of breakaway speed that some guys have, he’s going to be a big weapon for this offense and his touchdown run and punt return totally kick-started the comeback. Grade: A for Shady, A+ for Sproles

The Evster: Amazingly, the skinny dipping was only the SECOND (or maybe even third) most exciting part of the wedding. Just before naked people went swimming, they gave out those make-a-wish lantern thingies that you set fire to and then release high into the air. Well, a bunch of the lanterns got stuck in the trees, and one got caught in under the roof of a barn, and for a few minutes everyone was convinced that the whole campsite was going to burn down to the ground. Sadly, it didn’t. Shady gets an A forever, you know that. Grade: A

Dr. Pizza: Fantasy football is the worst thing god has ever given us. Like, why can’t my fantasy team just be the Eagles? When the Eagles win the game, I win the game. It’s pretty easy. I don’t wanna be pissed at Darren Sproles because he took it to the house on 4th and 1 and stole the fantasy points from my boi and starting RB Shady McCoy, but I was in section 219 yesterday screaming at Darren to go down at the one-yard line so that LeSean could get a chance at a touchdown and six points for my team. I hate myself. Grade: More Shady A-

ZWR: Maclin ran wide open on that one play and Zach Ertz caught a few whatevers but other than that I was a little too drunk to really form a coherent opinion. Grade: IPA


DG: My favorite part of Pacific Rim was when everything looked lost and then they suddenly remembered the giant robot they were controlling had a giant hidden sword that could bring destruction and pain to ocean-based lizards of any size. This was kind of like the play where Maclin was wide open and walked into the end zone. It was like, “Oh, right. This is an option, too.” Don’t mind me, I’m just over here stretching some analogies thinner than the C-plot of a Real Housewives episode. B+

Hardinger: Maclin and Ertz were the 2 guys I was most excited to see, and they both had big games. Pretty cool how Jeremy Maclin was able to use active camo on that 4th-quarter TD. Did Riley Cooper play? Grade: B

The Evster: After the fire scare and skinny dipping (that I watched from the bushes), I went back to my cabin to go to sleep because I am the world’s oldest man. At approximately 3am, I was woken up by around six strangers who stumbled into my cabin looking for somewhere to snort cocaine. “Who’s cabin is this?” one of ‘em asked. “I dunno,” another said, and then they all made their way back to my bathroom. I just laid there like a log, half-confused, half-intrigued, but mostly terrified. How ‘bout Zach Ertz on that seam route, eh baby?! Grade: B

Dr. Pizza: Every single wide receiver on the Eagles was wide open on Sunday by about 10 yards on every single play. It was amazing I almost couldn’t believe it. Unfortunately Nick forgot how to play football and refused to throw it to any of them. Also I had dinner at Bru in Center City on Friday and Eagles cheerleader Nicolette was my server she said Zach Ertz is the hottest player on the Eagles I completely agree. Grade: Hot A

Offensive Line


DG: Saturday night I was drinking a coconut-flavored porter and I put a big scoop of vanilla ice cream in it and it was good as hell. Grade: A-

Hardinger: Everything looked shaky for a good chunk of the game,, but it was tough for me to figure out how much of the blame to put on the line and how much to put on Folesy holding the ball too long. Interested to see how they’ll play going forward if Evan Mathis (spaghetti knee) is out long-term. Grade: C+

The Evster: Two minutes after Studio 54 opened its doors, my wife barrelled in and immediately took off her bra. “Dar. Dar!” I whispered to her, loud enough for her to hear, but quiet enough to let her know that something bonks was going on. “Hi Evy,” she said, in a totally loud and normal voice, completely oblivious that six strange drug lords were five feet away from our pillows. “I think people are doing cocaine in our bathroom,” I said. “What?” she said. “I said I think people are doing cocaine in our bathroom,” I said a little louder, but she just kept taking off her clothes and eventually dropped into bed, titties out and everything. I’ve never understood why Zoo includes this part about the Offensive Line. Grade: I dunno, B?

Dr. Pizza: I went to get a new beer when Evan Mathis’ leg apparently fell off on Sunday so regrettably I am unable to offer comment on the severity of his injury. I also think the Eagles missed Lane Johnson on Sunday who, up until yesterday, was 2x worse than the worst person in the world, Ray Rice. Grade: 69 #RIPEvanMathis

DG: Ripe Van Mathis.

Defensive Line
ZWR: Fletcher Cox nearly killed that guy (I honestly can’t remember if it was the Quarterback from Michigan or Adrian Peterson’s fat backup) with the most illegal-looking-legal-yet-flagged-anyway tackle of all time. I mean, like, I can’t believe that guy is still alive. Whoever it was. Grade: H FOR HORSECOLLAR


DG: There’s no law that says Brandon Graham can’t change his name to “Jadeveon Clowney.” I’m not saying doing so would cause Clowney’s ability to be divided in half and split between the two of them, and that the half Graham gets would be added to his current level of ability to create some sort of pass-rushing monster with a half-buzz, half-braids hairstyle, but I’m not NOT saying that either. Worth a shot, at least. Grade: B

Hardinger: Fletcher Cox had a fat guy touchdown to ice the game yesterday so I’m not sure anything else matters. Did a good job of stopping Toby Gerhart (!) and Denard Robinson (!!!) on the ground. Grade: A-

The Evster: Fifteen minutes later, while my wife snored away like a lumberjack, six strange people moseyed out of our bathroom and back to the party. I nodded and said hello to one of the guys, who I’m pretty sure had one long dreadlock growing out of the side of his head. He said hello back, and genuinely seemed like a really nice guy. Decent job stopping the run, yesterday. Grade: B

Dr. Pizza: So this weekend was a pretty wild one for me, believe it or not. On Saturday I went over to Sugar House Casino and won $150 a.k.a. more money than I’ve ever seen in my life on the b-jack tables. FYI I quit my job and retired later that night.
Anyway, with all this newfound money I decided to parlay the Eagles -11 and the sure win of the Bears beating the Bills straight up. The Bears winning was a lock obvi but the Eagles would have to play really well to cover the spread. Well shortly after the Birds gave up their second TD of the day I began crying in the stadium because I had gambled away my retirement on my favorite team and they were about to lose.
Well as you know, late in the 4th Quarter when the Jags were trying to mount their own comeback with the Eagles up by 10, Fletcher Cox rumbled into the endzone with a fumble recovery TD and put the Eags up by 17 and enough to cover! I was so incredibly happy I said “Wow oh yeah!” and just to be sure, I checked on twitter the score of the Bears game and saw they lost in OT and proceeded to throw my iPhone into the garbage. Grade: A+ but :`-(

ZWR: Jesus I forgot how long these report cards actually are. I mean like seriously this doc is probably going to be north of 3,000 words. But the one word I have for Eagles linebackers? Turgid. Wow that’s really kind of gross, but anyway- Grade: B+


DG: If I were a linebacker I would yell “SPIDER” after the snap, and then when the linemen looked down to see where it was I would scoot around them for the sack. I know what you’re thinking. What happens when they catch on and stop looking? That’s when I sneak a big spider onto the field inside my sock and let it out while they’re in the huddle. They’ll never doubt me again. Grade: A-

Hardinger: Very active group. Big game-clinching play from Trent Cole and Connor Barwin and Brandon Graham were involved as well. I wish Mychal Kendricks would learn how to spell his first name correctly. Grade: A-

The Evster: A few hours later, the guy with one dreadlock came back to our cabin, I’m guessing to do more cocaine. “Hey guys, are you...?” he started to ask, but my sister-in-law Leigh cut him off and barked back, “No! We’re sleeping. Get outta here.” And that was the last we saw of the one-dreaded man. Connor Barwin really has a knack for batting down those passes! Grade: B

Dr. Pizza: Connor Barwin made a nice play to break up a pass in this game but I don’t remember when it was because I had had a lot to drink at that point. Mychal Kendricks is fast AF. Grade: I don’t remember much about this game A

ZWR: In the first half it was more like TERTIARY, amirite? But no, for reals, Kurt Coleman is no longer an Eagle, and for that, this cohort gets Grade: A


DG: An incomplete list of people who have played safety for the Eagles over the past five years: Nate Allen, Patrick Chung, Quentin Demps, Pete Saskatchewan, Oscar Football, Champ Terrible, Joey Meniscus, Dr. Reginald Turnbuckle, Jaiquawn Jarrett. Grade: B-

Hardinger: Who the hell is Allen Hurns? Cary Williams is still a bowl of fart soup. Grade: C-

The Evster: At brunch the next morning, I was getting a cup of coffee next to this lady named Verna. Verna was a rough woman, late 40’s, HARD-looking late 40’s, with a really raspy voice. As I filled up my cup, she gave me a nudge to the ribcage and said, “Coffee and cigarettes, that’s all we need, right baby?” Right, Verna. Great job by Cary Williams shutting down Keenan McCardell, I didn’t hear his name called once. Grade: B-

Dr. Pizza: Nate Allen could have 3 INTs in the Eagles’ first-ever Super Bowl win, and I would still think he’s a trash bag filled with soiled baby diapers which in turn are also filled with rotten eggs. He stinks. I will cut the rest some slack though as perennial MVP candidate Chad Henne is a tough guy to stop. Grade: C-

Special Teams
ZWR: Specialist ever. The Eagles 2014: The Specialing. Cody Parkey should start a new monotheistic religion based around how he’s not Alex Henery. Grade: A++++++billionty+++++


DG: Gonna have to start looking for a mid-season replacement for Cody Parkey, assuming he wins the Pennsylvania gubernatorial election this fall as a write-in candidate with 70% of the vote, as many political pundits are currently projecting. Grade: A

Hardinger: Dave “Crazy Eyes” Fipp’s unit had a big performance, but no one karate kicked the punter in the face so how successful could the day really have been? Grade: no seriously Antonio Brown karate kicked a punter right in the friggin dome

The Evster: By the by, here is a picture of our cabin from the wedding. That’s my wife’s stuff on the left, mine on the right. Love that new kicker. Grade: A+++

                                                      [ZOO, I WANT TO PUT A PIC HERE]

ZWR: No.

Dr. Pizza: Think I saw Alex Henery working as a bag boy at the ShopRite on Arimingo Ave. yesterday, seemed to be happy, finally in a place he belongs. Cody Parkey babyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! Grade: Donnie Jones 4 President A+

ZWR: SCORE EFFING POINTS WHAT’S YOUR PLAN GRADE: A- (for that goalline play call in the first half)


DG: It remains very fun to have Chip Kelly as the coach of your favorite football team. Grade: A

Hardinger: In Chip We Trust Grade: A

The Evster: I have two more weekend-long weddings in the next four weeks. I hate everything about this world, but will never take it for granted that Rich Kotite is no longer our coach. Grade: A

Dr. Pizza: Thank you Chip Kelly for reminding Nick Foles how to play football during halftime. I also made a good tweet about this and everyone liked it and it got hella RTs but I did make a typo in it and I sincerely apologize for this and I am currently reviewing my social media policy. Grade: Tongue game strong B+

THE END. See you next week, maybe.


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