Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Eagles Week Four Report Card (brought to you by Life cereal)

ZWR: Who am I to judge Nick Foles when he had every right to literally fear for his long-term health each time the team called a passing play? “Oh cool, a slow-developing corner route to Brent Celek that should be fun I’m sure the intern at right guard will handle Justin Smith for eight seconds can’t wait really excited.”

Bob Stanton/USA Today Sports

The Evster: When I was around 7 years old, my father came up to me one morning and poured an entire bowl of Life cereal (milk and everything) all over my head. I looked up at him, all cold and wet, and said, “Why, Dad? Why?” and he just said, “Son, sometimes in this world you’re gonna get cereal dumped on your head.” I’ve never understood what he meant until now. I’ve also never understood how to write a metaphor. Grade: D

ZWR: Cinnamon Life or regular Life?

The Evster: I don’t know, Zoo. It was like 30 years ago (and the story is completely made up).

ZWR: Sorry but that’s a key detail. If it’s Cinnamon Life, your dad’s a doof because that stuff is awesome. Also, this infers your mom could shop her A off (up top Evster’s mom!). If it’s regular Life, then I can see why your dad would do that and also no offense but your mom bought cereal that’s boring AF. (Oh I just saw the part about how it was made up sorry)

DG: Two things became abundantly clear during this game: 1) Completing a pass while large men are trying to murder you is difficult. 2) Nick Foles is the slowest person in the entire world. He runs like his shoes are made of solid lead. They should get him regular shoes. Give the lead one to Cody Parkey. Grade: C

Hardingererer: Did Foles leave this many plays on the field last season, or was it just not as noticeable last year because the running game was otherworldly? Grade: D

Doc Pizza: Gonna have say this for the 4th straight week now this season but for some reason you people aren’t listening to me: Nick Foles is a stinker of a quarterback. He again can’t seem to hit wide open receivers and this time, against a team that isn’t complete cow manure like the Redskins and Jaguars, it finally it cost the Eagles. Grade: F-

ZWR: To be fair he threw a perfect game-winning touchdown on the final drive and Riley Cooper dropped it.

Running Back
ZWR: Here’s every running play:

Nick Foles: “Set blue ninety two. Blue ninety two. KILL KILL KILL. Alpha donger. Hut hut hut hut!”
(Hands ball to LeSean McCoy)
(Four defenders climb on top of LeSean McCoy and he looks like a totem pole)

Grade: A+ Forever

DG: Our entire rushing attack was basically like the thing from Tecmo Bowl where the defense picks the same play as the offense and all 11 defenders end up in the backfield moments after the snap. Corn Pops is a good cereal. Grade: C, only because Darren Sproles is still adorable

Hardingererer: Not a lot of room to run, but it was still disheartening to see Shady seemingly check out mentally like that. Whiffed on a big blitz pickup on the 3rd-and-goal from the 2 that Foles overthrew to Celek in the back left corner. Grade: A+ forever based on previous merit

The Evster: Check out mentally? Check out mentally? The guy has essentially gotten steamrolled on his last 40+ carries. Of course he checked out mentally. I checked out mentally 15 years ago. This world is stupid. The man carries a ball for a living. Grade: A

ZWR: I want to drive out to Beaver Valley and pour a bowl of Life cereal on Hardingerer’s big dumb head.

Available here

Doc Pizza: If I have to see LeSean McCoy take it wide for a 2-yard loss again I’m gonna friggin’ lose it. If the guy’s hurt, take him out of the game, we got the Polka man and the world’s fastest 5-foot-6 person to hand the ball off to. I know the offensive line is made of 1-ply, off-brand tissues from Walmart, but holy smokes at least try to get positive yardage. Sorry Shady, but you gotta step it up, buddy. Grade: L

ZWR: Riley Cooper is (a) a racist (b) white wide receiver (c) with stupid long hair (d) who drops a touchdown every week. On the other hand, Jeremy Maclin is straight up amazeballs and Jordan Matthews is getting his feet under him. Grade: B

DG: More like Riley Pooper. (I am a professional writer, technically. Crazy world, huh?) Grade: B

The Evster: Brad Smith looked p good on that one bubble screen. Grade: C

Hardingererer: Riley Cooper steals money from the Philadelphia Eagles every week. His agent must be unbelievable, because it’s inconceivable to me that he could have swindled $25M out of this franchise last offseason. Jeremy Maclin can play. Grade: B+

Doc Pizza: Something I would like to see is for Riley Cooper to take the wrong flight back from San Francisco much like Kevin McCallister in the hit 1992 film Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, but only instead of Riley’s mom finding him in New York and taking him back home with his family, Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern actually do kill him. (Only 90s kids will get this). Grade: F

Photoshop by Dr. Pizza, MD

Offensive Line
ZWR: Bwahahahahahahaha

DG: Stink. F-

The Evster: At one point late in the third quarter, right after I woke up from an absolutely FANTASTIC nap (there’s truly nothing better than checking out mentally), I noticed there was a guy on the Eagles’ O Line named Molk? That was fascinating. Grade: F

Hardingererer: If Lane Johnson doesn’t help shore this up when he gets back next week we are going to be in some serious trouble. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: This team is really missing the presence of King Dunlap, and it shows. We do get the steroid user back next week, which is good I guess? Gotta find the positives in this group. Grade: F

Defensive Line
ZWR: My son, whom you all know as The WAH 2.0, woke up Sunday night at 11:00 and was all, “Hey yo bro what’s up I’m awake for the day now what a good night’s sleep!” And I was all, “Dude srsly not now I’m still mad about the Eagles game and I lost at fantasy and I got eliminated from my suicide pool and I’m feeling really guilty about that piece of pie I ate at 9:30.” And he was all, “Wanna read this book of shapes?!” And I was all, “I’m so pouring a bowl of cereal over your head in six years.” Grade: Zzzzzz

DG: That truck commercial with the Kid Rock song is breaking my will to live. Why don’t more commercial use Jodeci songs? It’s madness, really. Grade: B+

The Evster: Pretty good games outta Darryl Daniels and Meatbox McMurphy! Grade: B+

Hardingererer: Surprisingly actually got pressure on Kaep. Grade: B

Doc Pizza: This D-line could’ve stopped getting pressure on the QB after the first drive and I would’ve considered it a success for this group. Decent job all game. I love Cox. Grade: B+

ZWR: I’m kind of convinced that the 49ers training staff doesn’t like Michael Crabtree. He came to the sidelines and told them his leg hurt and they were like, “Yeah oh my goodness that’s awful go roll your foot on the special yellow softball.” Then once he went over there they were all, “OMG that guy is the wooooorst.”

DG: “I WAS BAAAAAAAWWWWWWWRN FREE.” Well, I hope you die in prison. Was that too far? I can’t tell. I’m just so upset about this game, is all. Bout to pour a bowl of Life cereal on the world. Grade: B

The Evster: Literally the only person who calls me “The Evster” in this world is my mother-in-law. Such a stupid nickname. Grade: D

Hardingererer: Pros: had 3 of the Eagles’ 4 sacks. Cons: played Casey Matthews. Grade: B

Doc Pizza: I needed to scream at someone for missing a tackle during the 49ers TD drive where Stevie Johnson (really his name is Stevie and he’s 28 years old) caught that ridiculous pass where the ball was 20 yards out of the endzone but his feet were somehow in it, and I think I mistakenly yelled at Trent Cole when it was actually Demeco Ryans. I was so embarrassed. Am I seriously supposed to be able to tell the difference between Ryans’ 59 and Cole’s 58 at high speeds during a game? One of them needs to change their number so I know who to yell at. Grade: B-

Apropos of nothing...

ZWR: My favorite play of the game was when the 49ers called a run play and Cary Williams ended up one-on-one with the fullback and he literally turned around and ran away from him. That Malcolm Jenkins signing tho. Grade: C

The Evster: I see that Zoo has still failed to rename this section the Eric Allen Memorial Secondary Section. I will be boycotting this section until he does. Grade: BOYCOTT

ZWR: Next week, Evster. I promise.

The Evster: Thank you.

Hardingererer: Cary Williams is, has been, and always will be a steaming hot bowl of fart soup. Grade: C- outside of Malcolm Jenkins who gets an A

DG: I put a lot of thought into this and I have decided that if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were an NFL secondary Raphael and Michelangelo would play corner and Leonardo and Donatello would play safety. Grade: B-

ZWR: Oooooh! I see Raphael as a strong safety, with Leonardo at the other corner.

Doc Pizza: I think Cary Williams looked tired! No other reason for him to play like the absolute worst football player in the history of the NFL definitely couldn’t be the fact that he IS the worst football player in the history of the NFL nope. Malcolm Jenkins is cool. Grade: C

Special Teams
ZWR: Loved when they made the Niners donkey punter kick the ball into his own guy’s butt. Grade: A+

The Evster: After the Sproles punt return touchdown-o-rama, Cody Parkey blasted the ensuing kickoff 25 yards through the end zone. I think this was because Parkey kicked off from midfield (there was a face mask during the return), but I’d rather believe our kicker has a horse leg. Grade: A+

Hardingererer: Crazy Eyes Dave Fipp forever. Grade: A+++

DG: Our best offensive play all day was the 49ers punting. That would be disquieting if it weren’t so hilarious. Grade: A

Doc Pizza: WOW. Grade: A+

ZWR: I know they had no offensive line to speak of, I do. And I know the aforementioned lacking offensive line has not been able to run block. THAT SAID, you don’t call a corner route to Brent Celek on third down from the one freaking yard line! Give it to Shady or Sproles and have him jump off David Molk's back. Throw a fade to Riley Cooper so he can drop another touchdown, giving me that final nudge to stick my head in the oven. The one movement four crappy giant fat men should have a shot is diving three feet forward when the quarterback says hut.

(I’m about to go from really stupid to unconscionably stupid, so bear with me)

OH AND CHIP (I’m talking to Chip Kelly now, btw) YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE SO INNOVATIVE, HUH? Well here’s an idea for you, Captain Innovation, you have lots of fat people who push things so stop being so beholden to labels. Check out the play you SHOULD have run to win the game.

Yes that's right Vinny Curry motions into the backfield.

Braman does, too. "What are they doing?" wonders a confused 49ers defense!!!!

Shady right between Peters legs (with an option of a piggy-back ride (you're telling me someone is tackling Jason Peters?!)) FTW

Grade: A- I still love Chip he's my favorite.

Hardingererer: I’m with Zoo here, with 2 shots from the 2 yard line I would have tried to run it
at least once, probably on 3rd down. But if Shady picks up that blitz Foles has a good shot of hitting Celek on that corner route on 3rd anyway. I especially didn’t like the rollout on 4th down; it seemed to cut the field in half and make things more difficult. Tough loss, made even tougher by knowing that they got 3 non-offensive touchdowns and still lost. We’ll be back next week. In Chip We Trust. Grade: B-

The Evster: Geez Louize, Hardinger, if I hear about Shady’s failed blitz pickup one more time... just send us some pictures of college chicks already! (and dudes!) Grade: D

DG: This game was stupid and depressing and made me want to die or get drunk, and even with all of that, I still love Chip Kelly. I would follow that maniac right off a cliff if he asked nicely. Grade: B

Doc Pizza: A bad QB, a depleted O-line, a wide receiver that shouldn’t be in the NFL, a secondary with Cary Williams, Shady is dead. Tough to win with that I’m afraid. Shoulda ran it at least once on the goal line, though. Grade: B-

IMPORTANT NOTE to the three of you who made it this far... NEW ZWR EAGLES SHIRT!!! Yup, that's Jimmy Johnson coaching the Cowboys with a snowball flying at his head. You're welcome.


  1. Lay off Shady. Foles backpedaled like a million yards further than he needed to on that 3rd down play. If he stays in the pocket then Shady is right where he needs to be to make the block. Can't really fault Foles too much either though, I'd be backing up from that line as quickly as possible too.

  2. Not to be the Fun Police, but your Power I play is an illegal formation. You have to have at least 7 players on the line of scrimmage. But for real though. just jam the ball up the middle for the win.


Leave a comment, or whatever.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...