Monday, September 22, 2014

Eagles Week Three Report Card vs. Redskins

ZWR: My boy Nicky Foles with the defining "man up" game bro was out there with no offensive linemen and a concussed running back and one functioning arm and put up 37 (well 30 I guess but you know what I mean besides he probably gave Chris Polk a pep talk) suck it haters and dweebs talking about leaving points on the board you're nuts. Grade A++++++

DG: Nick Foles’s dad and his business partner sold their stake in a national restaurant chain for almost $60 million a few years ago. Nick Foles is super, super rich, even without a dime of his NFL money. Richer than noted rich person Johnny Manziel, probably. I was thinking about this when a giant human being cheap-shotted and sent him flying through the air like a lanky hot air balloon. There had to be one fleeting moment when he was sprawled on the ground trying to clear the fog in his head where he thought “What am I doing? I don’t need this. I could be golfing right now.” That’s what I’d have been thinking. I would be a terrible professional quarterback. Grade: A

Nick Foles' childhood bedroom

The Evster: Very impressed by Nick Foles' ability to play quarterback after he was murdered on a football field. Grade: B+

Hardingererer: I ride for Nick Foles. Grade: A

Dr. Pizza: Nick Foles is OK. That’s it; he’s OK. He coulda had like 900 yards passing and 5 touchdowns if he made two passes to wide open Jeremy Maclin and Bernt Celek and I wouldn’t have had a conniption when the R******s scored that late TD. Still room for improvement. Grade: B+

ZWR: I'm going to keep this objective, Dr. Pizza, but go screw your face that’s so dumb.

Running Backs
ZWR: It’s hard to gauge their performance when Pistachio Girl was playing left guard and the team accountant was at center. So I’ll default to an A.

DG: The nice thing about the 2014 Eagles is that the team’s two best skill position players can be shut down entirely and the team can still score 37 points against a decent defense. It’s like if someone stole your TV and you just were just all “Eh” and then went to the closet and pulled out pulled a different, bigger TV. No need to even file a police report. Too much paperwork. Grade: B

The Evster: Not quite sure you understand what's going on here. Shady could fumble six times, have an affair with my wife (like a full blown, decade-long affair with children and feelings and everything) and then pass the Ebola virus on to every member of the Wu Tang Clan and he would still get an A forever. Grade: A forever

Hardingererer: Shady gets an A forever based on previous merit but a D to the medical staff for letting him come back in and a D for only giving Sproles 5 touches.

Dr. Pizza: Unfortunately for LeSean McCoy and Darren Sproles, they were trying to run through an O-line that included Ryne Sandberg, a broken umbrella and a Windows phone. Tough to get much on the ground with that trash in front of you. Grade: C

ZWR: Air Jordan be like “WHOOOOOOP” and MaclinCLAPP be all “Zooooom” and Riley Cooper hit you with the “I’m here”. Grade: A-

Yong Kim,

DG: Just realizing now that my last analogy doesn’t make sense. Why keep the bigger TV in the closet? To hide it from the robbers? But then what’s even the point of having it? You can just run out to Best Buy or whatever and buy a new one if your normal one gets stolen. It would take, like, an hour. For the love of God, man, the economy is still working its way back. You can’t be dropping hundreds of dollars on TVs you’re just heaving into a closet. Be smart. Grade: A

The Evster: Great game from Maclin but as far as I could tell no Eagles receivers caught a 60-yard moon ball and then backpedaled into the end zone while taunting their former team. Grade: F

Hardingererer: Money from Jordan Matthews on those TDs and a massive game from Shmoney Shmaclin on a day where it was imperative he performed well. Riley Cooper played. So did Desean Jackson. Grade: A

Dr. Pizza: Holy wow everybody showed up today including the white guy, the guy with the broken knee and the rookie and good things happened imagine that! DeSean go away forever we don’t need you anymore I bet J-Matts gets an 82-yard TD next time we play you and doesn’t mock your team with a celebration dance because that would be like mocking an entire race on account of you playing for a racist team. He will simply spike the ball in your face like a good boy and you will cry. Grade: A

Offensive Line
ZWR: The Eagles only have one offensive lineman left. Luckily, it’s Jason Peters, who represents everything that is right about humanity and epitomizes selfless teamwork. Watching Peters chase down that scumbag scrub who cheap-shotted Nick Foles warmed my (and Philadelphia’s) heart. Jason Peters is a hero. A giant, lovable, scary, agile hero. Grade: Hero

Now take a moment to go view this post from an amazing website.

DG: Jason Peters should get to wear a replica WWE Heavyweight Champion belt on the field for the rest of the season. Grade: A

The Evster: Some athletes have built their Philadelphia legacies on one defining play: Ron Hextall slashing that Oilers guy in the brain; Aaron Rowand going kamikaze-style into a wall; Tim Perry sucking his own dick at the 1993 dunk contest. Now, Jason Peters joins this illustrious group. Grade: A (forever!)

ZWR: That was amazing, Evster.

Hardingererer: Jason Peters is a legend. Couldn’t open up a single hole in the run game and it didn’t end up mattering. Grade: Good enough

Dr. Pizza: OK, go off on how awesome Jason Peters is all you want (because he is awesome and huge and loveable and awesome)…but OMG did you see how fast Jason Kelce was on that Maclin should-have-been TD? I mean like holy smokes I think JK was faster than Maclin I’m 100 percent serious. That’s impossible. Get well soon bud (and everyone else on the friggin’ line). Grade: B-

Defensive Line
ZWR: Pretty sure Fletcher Cox is our only defensive lineman and we haven’t had a sack since that Cowboys game in 2009. Grade: We don’t have one.

Hardingererer: Haven’t had a sack since Obama’s first term. Grade: D

DG: The Eagles haven’t had a sack since Barack Obama’s first term as President of the United States, which began with his inauguration in January 2009. Must credit Danger Guerrero. Grade: D

The Evster: Bennie Logan could walk up to me on the street wearing a Bennie Logan jersey and say "Hi, I'm Bennie Logan" and then punch me in the face and I still would have no idea who he was. Grade: F

Dr. Pizza: Loved the pressure on Hall of Fame Quarterback Kurt Cousin the Eagles’ D-line was able to get. I know they didn’t get any sacks nor did Kirt Cousims really look uncomfortable at all in the pocket, but you have to remember that the Redskins’ offensive line is one of the best in NFL history and it’s darn near unthinkable to expect the Eagles to get any pressure at all on the quarterback. Grade: Cox

ZWR: Casey Matthews needs to be strapped to a Cody Parkey kickoff and blasted into the sun. I guess technically it's not his fault Kendricks (it's weird typing that name without hate in my heart) is hurt but MY GOD IS HE TERRIBLE. This group didn't really do much to standout but we won so I guess Grade: B-

DG: Breakfast meats, ranked: Sausage, bacon, scrapple, ham. Grade: D

The Evster: This is Hardingererer’s second season doing Eagles Report Cards and he has still yet to send us ONE secret snapper of a college chick sitting cross-legged in class. Grade: Cut Hardingererer

Hardingererer: They need Mychal Kendricks back yesterday. Grade: Cut Casey Matthews

Dr. Pizza: The Eagles having Casey Matthews on their team is like the Phillies signing Teal Trout just because she’s Mike’s sister and has the same last name as him and they came from the same parents. NOT EVERYONE IS AS GOOD AS THEIR SIBLINGS JUST ASK MINE I’M WRITING ON A FAMOUS BLOG [sic] AND THEY’RE NOT OHHHH.
Grade: D

ZWR: Our best defensive back besides Malcolm Jenkins is our nickel corner who only plays like maybe 50% of the time. Grade: BB

DG: I’d like to address this section to Cary Williams. No one else read it. Deal? Okay.

Cary. Buddy. Buuuuuuuuuuuddy. I’m as pro-player anti-authority as anyone you’ll ever meet, and in general, if you want to make the case that a grueling practice schedule is hurting your play on the field and therefore your entire career, I will be happy to hear you out. But maybe don’t do it in the locker room right after going 3-0, and maybe don’t say you’re the only one on the team “man enough” to say anything about it, and maybe don’t put your secondary on blast -- even if they deserved it -- for a play in which you got toasted by your team’s mercurial ex-receiver. Pick your spots, fella. And don’t be a jackass about it. That’s all I’m saying. Grade: D-

The Evster: Every time I get to this Secondary section I just want to write about Eric Allen’s 94-yard bonkers interception return vs. the Jets. From here on out, I vote to call this category the “Eric Allen Memorial Secondary Section” and yes I know he’s not dead. Grade: C+

ZWR: RIP Eric Allen.

Hardingererer: Cary Williams, still a bowl of fart soup. Grade: Malcolm Jenkins: A, rest of secondary: D

Dr. Pizza: Cary Williams literally said on Sunday, mind you Cary Williams is a professional athlete in the world’s best league for playing football, the National Football League, that his coach makes him exercise too much. A person who is paid only to be in pristine physical condition and stop people from catching a ball, said practicing is hard and difficult, and not easy, like he prefers it would be. Think about that for a second. Grade: F

Special Teams
ZWR: Cody Parkey effing rules and Chris Polk took one to the house Grade: Duh, it’s an A

DG: Cody Parkey is the greatest player in Philadelphia Eagles history. Grade: A

The Evster: How great is that “DONGGGG” noise when a kicker his the post? It’s funny every single time. Grade A

ZWR: Concur.

Hardingererer: Chris Polk TD return nothing else matters Crazy Eyes Fipp forever Grade: A+

Dr. Pizza: Haha could you even imagine in your life Alex Henery making a meaningful field goal of more than 50 yards haha could you imaging it? LOL no you can’t that’s the point you can’t even imagine that ever happening in any world at all. Go Cody. Also Gus Polinski and I both approve very hard of the Chris Polk TD. Grade: A

ZWR: I’m amazed that they did what they did with the offensive line and still put up points/didn’t allow a sack so I’m giving the staff an A. Except for the defensive coaches they get a D. But, all in all, an A. Because who gives a crap about defense we have Chip Kelly!!!

Hardingererer: In Chip We Trust Grade: A

The Evster: Loved that Chip chose to throw the ball late in the game when most coaches would’ve just run out the oh who cares Ev put away the goddamn coaches’ clicker and just shut up for once in your life. Grade: A

Dr. Pizza: Chip, make Cary Williams run sprints this week until his legs actually fall completely off of his dumb and stupid body. Love you bb. Grade: A

DG: It’s fun to picture Chip Kelly managing an Applebees. Try it for a while. Grade: A



  1. when i have unprotected sex with my cambodian house cleaner, i climax to posts like this

  2. I missed Cranekicker's amazing in-depth analysis this week.

  3. I don't have the skill, time, and talent to do this, but do you know the Youtube videos of wrestling commenator Jim Ross "calling" various plays and games? (example: Well, someone should do with with Casey Matthews missing tackles, not staying with his man in coverage, or just sucking in general!

  4. Pistachio girl appearance puts this over the top.


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