Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Eagles Week Two Report Card

This is Craney's contribution (no srsly):

ZWR: Nick Foles had over 300 yards passing despite a host of drops and it still seemed he should have had more than 400 with his own mistakes eliminated and he runs slower than me in ski boots but he got the job done when it mattered so I’m not going to complain today let’s keep it positive. Grade B

DG: Nick Foles has this amazing ability to put up really solid stats while looking borderline incompetent out on the field. I mean that as a compliment. I think. It’s just, like, most of the time when he throws the ball it’s after five seconds of frantic doddering and I’m genuinely surprised when it successfully finds the hands of a teammate, but then I look up and he’s 17-24 for 260 yards in the third quarter. He perplexes me. I will unlock his secrets. Mark my words. Grade: B

Evster: Every man gets to a point in his life where he no longer cares about shoulder hair. He just lets his strays sprout. Not only have I reached that point, I've also reached the point where all I care about is seeing Nick Foles throw moon balls. I don't care about winning. I don't care about dinner. Just give me moon balls. Grade: A

ZWR: My shoulders are pristine.

Hardingererer: What the offense has been able to do despite average play from Nick Foles so far is kind of absurd when you really think about it. Grade: B-

Doc Pizza: Doc’s Coaching Tip No. 1:
Nick, again, quarterbacks are actually supposed to throw the football to the receivers who are wide open and not the ones who are not open a.k.a. covered by a guy (or more than one guy) from the other team. Look for the guys who are wide open. They are there if you just look for them. Don’t make me say it again. Grade: C

Running Backs
ZWR: OMG DUDE HOLY CRAP SHADY AND SPROLESY I WANT TO ADOPT THEM BOTH (hey guys how about buying daddy a beach house?)

DG: I was on Twitter trying to find a good way to describe Darren Sproles and Shane Bacon, Yahoo’s golf writer, replied with “He’s like a Roomba with a NOS button.” Yup. Also, I want one of those now. Grade: A

Evster: Please don't waste my time with this section. Grade: A forevs

Hardingererer: Fun fact: Darren Sproles only played 37% of the snaps against the Colts. Grade: A+++++++++++++

Doc Pizza: Doc’s Coaching Tip No. 2:
My little angels, no coaching tip will be provided for you. You are perfect. Grade: A+++++

ZWR: Not so thrilled with the wide outs, but oh man is Zach Ertz good. Like, so good they definitely should have thrown it to him a lot more because every time he got the ball he was either making a dope catch to save a drive or dusting the donkey trying to cover him. Grade: C

Here's a scene I imagine happened:
Jeremy Maclin: “Did you see me, I caught a touchdown!”
Jordan Matthews: “I had a first down!”
Riley Cooper: “I drew a pass interference on that ball that almost hit the roof!”
(Duce Staley walks over)
Duce Staley: “You suckas all stunk gimme your cookies.”
(Duce Staley steals their cookies)

DG: Gonna get “ERTZ” tattooed across my shoulders later this week. Grade: B-

Evster: Riley Coops dropped a moon ball. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: Doc’s Coaching Tip No. 3:
Receivers, when a quarterback throws the football to you, your main job/role is to catch the ball with your hand(s) and hold onto it rather than drop it. You may only place the ball on the ground after you have caught the ball and the whistle blows after you’ve been tackled, run out of bounds or scored a touchdown. Do not drop the ball. Grade: F-

Hardingererer: Seriously I’m very happy that we gave Riley Cooper $25M and cut DeSean Jackson. 2 catches for a combined 25 yards from Riley Coops and Jordan Matthews.Ertz is a monster. Grade: B-

ZWR: Oh shut up don’t be that guy.

Actual pic of Hardingererer

Offensive Line (just for the Evster!)
ZWR: All night everyone was like, “This Gardner guy is the worst ever he’s going to kill us!” and I was all, “Bros until he gives up SEVEN SACKS this game I’m not going to get worried” because remember when that happened? Andy Reid let a guy give up SEVEN SACKS in one game and at no point thought “maybe I should slide a tight end over there?” Grade: Not seven sacks.

DG: Offensive linemen should wear boxing gloves. It would cut down on holding penalties and look cool. The center would get one glove with a little cloth loop in it to hold the ball during snaps. When the quarterback is in the shotgun they could bring out a tiny catapult that the center mashes with his gloved hand to fling the ball back there. They’d have a bigger catapult for punts. I am available to take over as commissioner if/when Roger Goodell resigns.Grade: B-

Evster: Anthony “Moon Ball” Munoz. Grade: A

Hardingererer: Andrew Gardner plays right tackle the way I imagine a large sloth would if given the opportunity. Fine game by the unit as a whole. Grade: B

Doc Pizza: Doc’s Coaching Tip No. 4:
O-Line, not too much to say here just that you need to give my little angels as much space to do their thing as you possibly can. Good job protecting for Nick as he continues his noble quest to find the wide-open receivers. Andrew Gardner, your name sounds like you should be a financial advisor. Change it. Grade: B

ZWR: Suggest new name: Clete Thompkins

Defensive Line
ZWR: Still don’t know who’s a linebacker and who’s a defensive lineman except for Bennie Logan and Fletcher Cox but those two looked pretty good I guess beats me. Grade: C+

DG: We need fatter linemen. I’ve always said this. Grade: C

Evster: No idea who any of those guys are and I refuse to believe that Bennie Logan is real. That being said, great job by Cliff Stormsruffel and Macktruck Jenkins last night. Grade: F

Hardingererer: Fletcher Cox might be making the leap. Grade: A-

Doc Pizza: Doc’s Coaching Tip No. 5:
D-Line, This is a little known rule in football and is rarely seen or called during an NFL regular season game, but you are actually not allowed to cross the line of scrimmage until the ball has been snapped by the offense. This is called an offsides or sometimes a neutral zone infraction. This rule holds EVEN IF the quarterback yells something really loud. I know it’s tough, but it’s a rule unfortunately. Grade: C

ZWR: Now's a good time to note that I offer a wide selection of fashion forward Eagles apparel in my Spreadshirt shop!!!

Evster: Good point, ZWR. Thanks for sharing!

DG: I agree. I love all of my ZWR shirts, and so do the ladies. Hubba hubba.

ZWR: Kendricks and Ryans get a B+. The other BACKERS get a C. Casey Matthews gets a WTF. I have no idea how they bring 90 players to training camp and he can be better than 37 of them. It can’t be true. Who comes to training camp as linebackers? The hot girl who sits next to Evan at work? My old chemistry teacher. Former UMass forward Lou Roe?

Evster: I met a guy named Casey last week and he had little whales on his shorts. Grade: F

DG: I’m sure Casey Matthews is a very nice man with a family that loves him dearly but if I have to watch him play linebacker again I will diarrhea everywhere and die. Grade: C+

Hardingererer: I think (and I’m not going to go back and check) every offsides on one of those godforsaken hard counts came from the outside linebackers. Mychal Kendricks looked good until his injury, at which point Casey Matthews came in and proceeded to be terrible, as per usual. He sucks. He can’t be an NFL player. Grade: Kendricks A, everyone else but Casey Matthews: B-, Casey Matthews: F-

Doc Pizza: Doc’s Coaching Tip No. 6:
Casey Matthews get the heck out my office I never wanna see your dumb face again I don’t care who your daddy or big brother is. Grade: C

ZWR: Bradley Fletcher got beat a lot and dropped a ball in the end zone that landed in his hands while the wide receiver was tying his shoes and then after he dropped it was all, “LOL did you see that oh well” and I was all, “DUDE GO DIE you finally got a chance to redeem yourself and may have just cost us the game and you’re just sitting there laughing and clapping your hands?!” (I overreact a lot). But then my man the BOYNKINATOR played some tremendous, legal defense to help Bowtie Jenkins get that big pick in the fourth quarter and that kind of saved the game. Grade: B.

DG: I like filling this thing out last because then I can see what everyone else wrote and make fun of them. I can also go in and change Hardinger’s grade to “ POO POO PEE PEE I LIKE POO AND PEE” like I did below. It’s the little things in life. (Fun fact: I originally changed Evan’s grade to that, but it seemed entirely too in character for him. That dummy is tough to prank, on account of being such a big dummy.) (Love ya, Evster.) Grade: B

Evster: I missed that guy’s key interception because I had my head down looking at Twitter on my electronic telephone. That being said, this was a pretty good tweet:

ZWR: ZWR NBA Insider Jacob with a solid funny there.

Hardingererer: No they didn’t hold TY Hilton shut your big dumb face Mike Tirico. Bradley Fletcher has hands made of solid granite Grade: POO POO PEE PEE I LIKE POO AND PEE

Doc Pizza: Doc’s Coaching Tip No. 7:
Secondary, please read Coaching Tip No. 3 because that applies to you too. It’s also important to remember that Ahmad Bradshaw is a player on the field and someone should keep an eye on him when he’s got the ball. Don’t forget about him that’s important. If at all possible, tackle him before he scores. Grade: B

Specialest Teams
ZWR: Got a lot of angry white guys on this coverage unit I must say. One bald, one hairy. Kudos to Cody Parkey for the game-winner, which Alex Henery surely would have somehow kicked backwards. Grade: B-ish for first 59:58, Boner City for last two seconds.

DG: Pat McAfee is the greatest punter in the history of the world. Let’s kidnap him. Grade: B+

ZWR: FU Donnie Jones rules go screw

Evster: Truly cannot believe how long these Report Cards are. Grade: B?

Hardingererer: Plays like that Cody Parkey FG are why I’d love to have Ian Darke and Steve “Macca” McManaman (the British dudes from the World Cup) announcing football highlights every once in a while.

Darke: “Parkey steps up, the young lad looking a bit nervous here, eager to get on with it surely after the timeout...the snap is up and Cody Parkey surely has done it here in hostile territory as the final whistle blows! Magnificent stuff here, Macca.”

Macca: “Parkey steps into it here, keeps his nerve, slots the ball right down the middle, cool as you’d like, never a doubt. It’s just been a little late-night snack for Parkey here, a bit of tea and biscuits if you will.”

Something like that. Grade: A

Doc Pizza: Doc’s Coaching Tip No. 8:
Cody, making easy field goals is good and missing easy field goals is bad. Make sure that you’re making kicks like the one you did at the end of the game, and not missing them like you did in the first quarter. If you do that everyone will be happy. Grade: B+

ZWR: Not gonna lie, I was kind of confused that the strategy from our own end zone to the Colts twenty yard line was “Dominate with Ertz and screens and passes because the Colts are starting Matt Gelb at left defensive end” but then once we got in the red zone it changed to “Run Shady into the left guard’s butt and fall down”. Chip salvaged it all with those last two drives, tho. Grade: WE WONNED

Evster: More moon balls. Grade: A-

DG: Love this guy. Grade: A

Hardingererer: In Chip We Trust Grade: A

Doc Pizza: Doc’s Coaching Tip No. 9:
Chip, please review all earlier tips provided me by in this Coaching Tips Series and tell them to your players. These tips are free of charge, so please take advantage. Also make sure that when the team is close to the endzone (the place where you score), you try to get 7 points and not just 3 by putting players on the field who are good players (like Zach Ertz, who is good). Good players are usually better than bad ones. Grade: C

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