Thursday, October 9, 2014

Comprehensvie Opponent Profile: Eli Manning, NY Giants

Scouting Profile: Manning, E.

Position: QB 

Know for: being not Peyton, throwing near-historic volume of interceptions, miraculously winning Super Bowls on throws dumber and worse than the ones you used to make playing two-hand touch in the Mummers Museum parking lot only Jay and Stash couldn't catch with the sides of their heads, having a ridiculous face

Projected stats vs. Eagles secondary before this post: 372 yards passing, 4 touchdowns, 1 interception, over/under 1.5 total sackfaces

Projected stats vs. Eagles secondary after this post: 649 yards passing, 82 yards rushing, 6 touchdowns, 2 interceptions, over/under 1.5 total sackfaces  

Tattoos: "Thug Life" across abdomen (recently inked in Comic Sans?);  poorly drawn "pectoral" portrait of Giants scrub David Tyree with caption "My Boo"


RIP David Wilson now playing Calvinball in the sky

BONUS PROMOTIONAL CONTENT: don't forget to pick up an EAGLES TRASH CAN (!) from your friendly neighborhood e-commerce behemoth

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