Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Eagles Week Eight Report Card

ZWR: Here’s an unsolicited suggestion for Nick Foles: throw a ball where you’re not falling backwards and/or sideways. In fact, step forward while you throw. Just try it once. Also, ignore what they say and just run a frigging quarterback sneak. Grade: Just try it.

Image via Jeff McLane

 DG: Nick Foles seems like a nice man, but at the end of the first half when we needed like eight yards for a Cody Parkey field goal and had two timeouts and almost a full minute left and he proceeded to throw two rainmakers to what I can only presume was a wide open cheerleader, it made me want to die. This was not the first or last time I felt that way during the game. Grade: C-

Hardingererer: Me and my roommates play a pretty absurd amount of Madden each day/week. Out of the 5 of us, I’m probably the worst, with my main issue being that I throw too many interceptions because I can’t break the habit of drifting too far back in the pocket and can’t compensate for the extra difference in distance on the throws. Related: does Nick Foles play Madden? Grade: C-

ZWR: That's actually a good analogy, Donkey. I do the same thing.

The Evster: According to the Elias Sports Bureau (nope), as of 2011 no NFL quarterback had ever thrown a ball directly to the moon. Since that time, by my count, Nick Foles has thrown at least 74 moon balls (and yesterday’s to Maclin was one of his all-time mooniest). Grade: As long as he throws at least one moon ball a game, A forever.

ZWR: Did they have anything about throwing potential game-winning passes ten feet out of bounds in that study?

Doc Pizza: Ahahahaha remember when I was made fun of when I said Nick Foles is poop on a stick? Remember this? I am going to continuously remind all of you of this until he’s no longer the QB and/or I’m no longer alive. Grade: D

Running Backs
ZWR: Weeks 2-6 Shady returned but he still gets an A+ Forever

DG: Big shouts to Chip for pulling Half Andy by having an inconsistent quarterback fling the ball into the heavens 60 times instead of handing it off to one of the better running backs in the league on a day the back was averaging five-ish yards per carry. Grade: A… … … minus

Hardingererer: A+ forever on previous merit. Grade: A+ Forever

The Evster: Hardingererer, let’s talk for a second about your role in these weekly report cards, and how you fit in with the rest of us. So Zoo, as the leader of the idiots, normally starts off these posts with some sort of celebration (or rant) based on what type of food he ate the day before. Then I say something [Editor’s note: EDITED OUT] mildly inappropriate, very similar to this sentence you’re reading now. Danger often makes a suggestion as to how the game can be improved, like replacing footballs with meatballs. And then Doc Peetz does his whole ‘sports are silly schtick’ that has somehow earned him over 2,000 Twitter followers. Which brings us to you, Hardingerererrer. You live on a college campus surrounded by literally tens of thousands of butts. Big butts. Little butts. Soft, round, completely hairless butts. You have the unique opportunity to bring us (the loyal readers of this bolg) into your world, and share stories about the wide array of butts that you interact with on a day-to-day basis. I am 37 years old. Zoo and Danger are not much younger. Doc Pizza put himself through 12 years of medical school. Every night while I brush my teeth my wife sits on the toilet next to me and [Editor's note: OMG SO EDITED OUT]. Please give us a sneak peek into your world, Hardingererer, and not just with anecdotes about you and your disgusting slob roommates playing video games. Thank you. Grade: A forevs

Doc Pizza: I went to D.C. this weekend and my god the entire city is basically just like one giant mall. The area of Chevy Chase is itself a town that was turned into the King of Prussia mall but people also live in it. It’s borderline disgusting really. Also did you know pumpkin cheesecake is back at The Cheesecake Factory? Pick yours up at any one of their three area locations! Grade: B+

ZWR: Jeremy Maclin was bleeding from his ear, came back into the game and dominated. I once missed two days of work because I had a stuffy nose and a cough. Everyone who has called him soft needs to send a written letter of apology. Also, Jeremy Maclin is about to get his Rod Tidwell contract.

Everyone played well but they get a B because Josh Huff fumbled inside the ten. Grade: B

DG: We should replace footballs with meatballs becau-... wait. Goddammit, Evan. Grade: A

Hardingererer: Did anyone expect Jeremy Maclin to be this good? Holy crap, he sandwiched a maybe concussion and a Gatorade table discussion between the only two TDs for the day from the Birds. Riley Cooper played football. So too, unfortunately, did Josh Huff. Grade: Maclin A++, group as a whole B

The Evster: OMG I completely forgot about that Gatorade play until just now. Grade: A forever.

Doc Pizza: Josh Huff begging for the ball then proceeding to fumble it less than 3 seconds later is more-or-less a perfect representation of my love life in high school and college. Also Plz RT below for respect. Grade: B+

Offensive Line
ZWR: Didn't give up a sack on 142 passing attempts, but still can't be counted on to get a few inches with the game on the line at the cusp of the end zone apparently. Grade: Who knows?

DG: I don’t usually like to complain about announcers because commenting knowledgeably about something on live television -- without swearing even once -- seems like a very hard job that I would be remarkably bad at, but Chris Myers and Ronde Barber were … not good. Yes, let’s go with “not good.” Grade: A

Hardingererer: Based on his body of work, I just assume the officiating crew is terrible whenever Jason Peters is penalized multiple times in a game. Sunday did nothing to disprove that theory. Grade: A-

The Evster: I’m pretty sure that after Jason Peters stood up for Foles a few weeks ago, I declared the offensive line would get an A forever. Grade: A forever!

Doc Pizza: Back to D.C. for a minute…what in god’s name is so special about the Newseum that they charge you friggin’ $25 to go in and see old news? I get that there were some old newspapers that were cool to see I guess but more than half the museum was just photos of things on a wall and words to read about it…“Here’s a photo of what we imagine a newspaper looked like during the U.S. Bicentennial!” Wow how cool a photo of a newspaper! You know the internet exists so I can do this exact thing, right? Turkey and cheese sandwich in the food court was good but also pricey 3/10. Offensive line played good. Grade: A-

Defensive Line
ZWR: If Carson Palmer and Nick Foles raced each other in the 400 meters it would take 25 minutes or possibly never end because Foles would fall over and hurt himself and Palmer would have to stop for a nap and then forget what he was doing at the track when he woke up and head home. Yet neither guy got sacked yesterday in a game that featured 198 pass attempts? Both defensive lines get an F. BOTH OF THEM. Grade: F

DG: I feel like you should almost be able to sack Carson Palmer three or four times by accident. Like, they snap the ball and someone falls over into a Cardinals lineman and then a linebacker trips over both of them and then centuries and centuries pass and Carson Palmer trips over their calcified skeletons because it took him that long to get from the pocket back to the line of scrimmage on a scramble. But what do I know? Grade: D

Hardingererer: How do you not sack Carson Palmer on 42 dropbacks? Grade: C

The Evster: I was actually pretty impressed that the Cardinals blitzed on those last few plays. That’s the kind of defense I want. Full throttle attack. Also one with hairless butts. Grade: ( I ) … that’s a butt.

ZWR: I honestly don’t even know...

Doc Pizza: Hard to tackle hall-of-famer Big Ben back there so I’d consider this a good job by the defensive line, now if this was a turd boy like Carson Palmer and not Ben Roethlisberger back there it would be a different story. Grade: C-

ZWR: Mikey Kendz with the agility and DeMeco with that amazeballs “ZOINKS NO YOU DIDN’T” on that tight end in the end zone and Casey Matthews with the not screwing anything up yay team you get a B. Grade: B

ALSO: Why isn’t Andre Ellington’s nickname either “Andre 2000” or “Juke Ellington”? Probably because Arizona absolutely blows as a state AND shouldn’t have a hockey team.

DG: The most frustrating thing about desolate nuclear wasteland of a football game was that it was four plays from being a pretty easy Eagles victory. Take away the Huff fumble and Foles interception in the end zone, and the two long Cardinals touchdown passes, and suddenly you’re looking at a 26-16 score. And I got to that figure by assuming the Eagles would have failed to punch it in and settled for field goals, and that the Cardinals would have driven both times for their own field goals, even though the Eagles had only given up really one sustained drive all day.

But I know you can’t make that argument. And I know I’m an idiot for trying. I’M JUST SO UPSET, OKAY? LET ME HAVE THIS ONE. Grade: B-

Hardingererer: How do you not sack Carson Palmer on 42 drop-backs? Grade: C

The Evster: Remember when Buddy Ryan became the Cardinals coach and brought with him Seth Joyns and Clyde Simms and their overall rugged renegade lifestyle? They were my favorite team for like a week and a half before everyone died. Grade: I have no idea what I bring to this report card anymore. I’m sorry.

ZWR: Evster- I came thisclose to buying a Cardinals hat when that happened- one of those sawtooth jawns that were absolutely hideous.

The Evster: THANK YOU, ZOO. I knew I still brought something to the table here: sparking up memories of yesteryear -- a time when women’s butts were as hairy as the men who coveted them!

Doc Pizza: Honestly, I’m already looking ahead to the Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Boneless Wings Sampler Platter section and getting pissed thinking about how bad that Nate Allen play was in the 4th Quarter. I really don’t even care about the linebackers in this game I guess Connor Barwin was OK? Did Kendricks play? I don’t even care how the hell did they even lose this game my god. Grade: B

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Boneless Wings Sampler Platter
ZWR: Don’t even get me started. DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED. Oh I’m started!!! Cary Williams is not allowed back into Philadelphia. Stay out. You’re banned until you redeem yourself. Just fly straight to Houston since you don’t even like practicing anyway.

I don’t want to see any “Oh Cary said something angry and crazy isn’t he so crazy LOL” quotes from the Eagles reporters, either. Hey guys, instead of fishing for batsh*t quotes how about you ask Williams why he never can cover anybody ever? What’s the worst that can happen? I know for a fact that you can outrun him. Stop being a chicken, John Gonzalez. You suck. Grade: I’m so angry

DG: Cary Williams and Nate Allen couldn’t guard a can of Spaghetti-Os. Grade: Stink F

Hardingererer: Cary Williams: still a bowl of fart soup. Bradley Fletcher and Nate Allen: also absolutely terrible with little-to-no mitigating factors. Trash performance from the group. Can’t give up two 75+ yard TDs. Grade: F

The Evster: Whatever happened to Breathe Rights? Ten years ago, every big time playmaker was wearing ‘em. Now? Only 37-year-old bloggers whose wives make them buy the EXTRA LARGE ones because they snore too much. I feel like nasal strips could really help the Eagles’ secondary get more oxygen flowing to their brains. It’s worth a shot. Hardingererer, you should probably wear one too. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: If this wasn’t a family bolg where kids and adults alike are welcome to visit to learn about the Eaglles and Phillies and going to the zoo with Roy Halladay, I’d have a few choice words that start with the letter F to use to describe this Eagles secondary. Everyone who’s not Malcolm (Michael, according to Ronde Barber) Jenkins is simply stealing oxygen from hard-working Americans all over the country. The one thing you CAN’T do with less than 2 mins left in a 3-point game is give up an uncontested BOMB from a guy named Carson to some tiny rookie wide receiver with 3-inch legs, and they did it. Nate Allen you are worse than a required summer reading list and Cary Williams you are actually the same quality of person as Charles Manson. God I hate sports I really do. Grade: *Expletive*

Special Teams
ZWR: I love our special teams, particularly our kickers. They rule. Grade: A

DG: Cody Parkey. Great American. Grade: A

The Evster: Think about how amazing a meatball would be instead of a football. Just think about it. Grade: A

Doc Pizza: Cody Parkey love u bb. But Maclin wtf were you doing on those punt returns it looked like you were gonna fumble it every single time. Get well soon, Sprolesey. Grade: A

ZWR: I think Maclin thought it was a rule that you had to catch the ball on a short hop. They told him it wasn’t and everything was fine after that.

ZWR: I love Chip Kelly more than anything. He’s my favorite coach in Philadelphia sports history behind Cholly. I’m all in. THAT SAID, bro can’t go too cute on 3rd and AN INCH inside the one yard line we’re not playing Washington State. Chip is all about strategy and science, well what science am I missing that it makes more sense to try and run six yards rather than have your giant 6’5” meat sack oaf of a quarterback fall forward an inch? I don’t get it. I won’t get it. I won’t accept any explanation for that play call. The same crap killed us in San Francisco. I thought we acknowledged it against the Giants last week when they went under center for big runs. Love you Chip, but srsly on the inches. SRSLY ON THE INCHES. Grade: B

DG: Working theory is that Chip is sabotaging Foles this year so he can trade up to draft Mariota without taking heat from the locals. Is this a joke or something I actually believe? You’ll never know. Grade: B

Hardingererer: The play-calling frustrated me too, with that certainly being the most egregious example of it. 62 passes to 26 runs? I also would have gone for it instead of kicking the field goal on 4th down, for the same reason Chip said he kicked it: the defense was playing reasonably well. If you don’t get it, you pin the Cardinals at their own 1. The Eagles are a solid three combined yards from being 7-0, which is wild because their quarterback and secondary aren’t very good. In Chip We Trust Grade: B

The Evster: I don’t trust white people. Grade: C+

Doc Pizza: Remember the first TD of the game from the Eagles and how great of a play call it was I do but don’t care in the slightest because of that third down play on the inch line. Might as well had sent out Dorenbos to long snap it to Foles at the 20 and tried to score from there for god’s sake. Grade: C-

ZWR: But look on the bright side, kids:

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