Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Eagles Week Six Report Card


Quarterback
ZWR: If you take away those two frighteningly inexcusable gift-wrapped pick sixes that could have swung the game if the Giants capitalized then I think Nick Foles looked okay. Grade: B

LOL sick burn


DG: It's to the point now where I kind of want them to put in Sanchez. Not necessarily because I think he'll be good. I'm just curious. I'm saying this after a game the team won 55-0 in primetime against a hated division rival. I am the worst sports fan in the world. I'm aware of this. Grade: B-

Hardingererer: Eagles are 5-1 heading into the bye and Foles and Shady have combined to play 2 good games. I can dig it. Grade: B-

The Evster: That’s your analysis, Hardingererer? THAT’S your analysis? Sharing the Eagles record and ending with “I can dig it”? Show some stinkin’ pride in your performance for once in your stupid life! I want more moon balls from Folesy. Grade: C

Doc Pizza: *insert here a photo of the Eagles defense bailing out the water in a tiny boat while Nick Foles stands right there on the bow eating a peanut butter and fluff sandwich* Grade: D+

ZWR: Bro peanut butter and fluff sandwiches rule

Running backs
ZWR: OH SNAP SHADY IS B-A-C-K sorry the NFL. It was so great to see McCoy running forward and juking fools. Oh also Darren Sproles are you kidding me this is so cool. Grade: A+++++ Forever

DG: All I wanted in the whole entire world was for fourth-string tight end and third-string tailback Trey Burton to rip off a 60-yard touchdown run. Related: Our third-string running back in this game was our fourth-string tight end. What a country. Grade: A

ZWR: EFFICIENCY!

Hardingererer: Shady coming back like Jordan wearing the 4-5 and Sproles outchea changing the pace on command. This is fun. Grade: A+ Forever

The Evster: Okay first of all, Hardingererer, that doesn’t make any sense. Second of all, “This is fun”? That wasn’t fun. Staying up until midnight is never fun. My whole week is now ruined. Grade: A forevs, stop wasting my time.

Doc Pizza: The only thing I am thinking about at this moment is if Darren Sproles is OK. Darren if you can hear me buddy, we’re all pulling for you to be all right. Please don’t have a torn ACL or MCL or TLC or whatever. Just have a sprain and be ready to beat up on the Cards in two weeks. Thank you. Grade: A (Editor's Note: 1 to 2 weeks  with knee sprain thank Jeebus)

Receivers
ZWR: Everyone caught the footballs that were thrown to them, including secret weapon “Night Games James” Casey. I just made that nickname up. It is TERRIBLE.

I may or may not be ordering less than legitimate Eagles jerseys from China, and my buddy wants a Jerome Brown. Only the Jerome Brown jawn actually has the Jerome Brown memorial patch on it. Frankly, I think that makes it 100000 times better and more awesome. Might have to grab one of those too! Grade: Bring it home for Jerome


DG: Buy me that jersey and bury me in it when I die. Grade: B+

Hardingererer: The book on James Casey has always been that he performs in night games. They don’t call him Night Games James for nothing. Also: Riley Coops with a season-high 59 receiving yards! Grade: B+

The Evster: Literally one person calls him Night Games James, and that person is an anonymous bolger who pretends to be a penguin (Editor’s Note: And your mom). It’s a goddamn travesty that you idiots failed to mention Zach Ertz, by far the greatest Eagles tight end since Night Games James. Grade: C+

Doc Pizza: The Giants surrendered a touchdown to tight end James Casey, a man who I have heard plays exceptional football when the sun is on the other side of the earth. I also don’t think Jim Crow dropped a pass today, so that’s also nice. Grade: A

Offensive Line
ZWR: That replacement center guy looked pretty competent, or at least didn’t have me worried that someone he was charged with protecting may die. Speaking of fat, I went to an Oktoberfest party a guy from my hockey team threw and it was pretty dope, yo. He had these hand-made bratwurst from a German place and Bavarian mustard that was spicy AF and a fridge full of beers I couldn’t pronounce and at one point I looked over and the WAH 2.0 was eating cat food. Grade: B+ (Jason Peters A+++ individual grade)


DG: Eagles are undefeated in home games where they wear all-black uniforms and Boyz II Men performs at halftime. Someone get me in touch with Jeff Lurie. We need to keep riding this trend. Are you reading this, Gonzo? Gonzo! Email me. I need Jeff Lurie's private number. I know you have it. Grade: GONZO. EMAIL ME. JESUS. THIS IS IMPORTANT.

Hardingererer: Shady had lanes to run through and Foles had a lot of time all night. Special shoutout to Jason Peters for single-handedly devouring Jason Pierre-Paul last night. Grade: A

The Evster: “Shady had lanes to run through…” THANK YOU STEVIE WONDER FOR YOUR IN DEPTH ANALYSIS. CAN’T WAIT FOR YOUR BREAKDOWN OF THE EAGLES 3-4 DEFENSE. They now have three linemen! Grade: A

Doc Pizza: It’s tough to say if the offensive line was really so much better a week later that they went from allowing Shady to go absolutely nowhere against the Rams to like a billion yards this week. I’m inclined to say that the Giants are simply the biggest pool of cat puke in this great sports association, the National Football League. Good job regardless. Grade: A

Defensive Line
ZWR: At one point early in the game Beau Allen’s shirt rode up and it looked like he was wearing an old-school belly shirt like guys in 80s used to and I got super excited when he pulled it down. The NFL should allow defensive linemen-- or anyone with a 46 inch waist and above-- to wear belly shirts. Oh and good job getting all of those sacks. Grade: A+

NOTE: Beau must’ve read a preview of our Google doc because this happened yesterday:

Source: philadelphiaeagles.com

DG: "Oh gosh. Oh no. Guys. Guyyyyyys. Oh gosh. Oh dear. Oh no." - Eli Manning's pre-snap calls last night. Grade: A

Hardingererer: Wonder if Evster knows who they are now. Dominating outing. Grade: A+

The Evster: I know who they are now, Hardingererer. I know them very, very well. These guys have earned my respect, unlike you and your laissez-faire blogging style. Great game outta Benji Logan! Love that guy. Grade: A+

Doc Pizza: They were good. Grade: A

Linebackers
ZWR: At one point in the first half the NBC broadcast ran a replay that was a slo-mo iso shot of Casey Matthews making a really good defensive read followed by a successful form tackle, upon which I just started walking around wide-eyed like a toddler touching things in my living room to make sure life was real and, in fact, happening as I could comprehend it. Grade: What just happened?

DG: Who the f*ck does Wendy's think they are with this pulled pork sandwich? You don't have a smoker in there. You're not fooling anyone. Grade: Official apology to Casey Matthews

ZWR: Not gonna lie if I ran Wendy’s I’d make a sandwich for women called “The Baconatress” that’s just a Baconator with pink sauce (sriracha mixed with ranch).

Hardingererer: Connor Barwin and Trent Cole were dominant and that’s all well and good but how about Casey Matthews looking competent! Grade: A+

The Evster: HOW ABOUT SPENDING MORE THAN 18 SECONDS ON YOUR PART OF THE REPORT CARD? I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m so fired up today. Yes I do. It’s because I had to go to bed after midnight last night. I’m 37 years old. I own like four belts. Grade: A

DG: I stayed up until 2am after the game because I had like four hours of TV to watch for my day job. Not that it's a competition. But I did win.

Doc Pizza: Hard to believe that with a full-fledged Macklemore haircut Connor Barwin can still do the things he does on the football field. It’s stunning really. Connor Barwin was amazing on Sunday and had like a 50 sacks with a bad haircut. It’s wild. FYI Evster, I got a belt for 40% off at Banana Republic on Saturday. Love those #DEAL$Z. Grade: A

The Evster: Nice job, Doc, but Marshall’s is the ONLY place to buy beltz. #OwnIt #RunIt #DoneIt

Doc Pizza: No way I’m walking down to the Market East Marshall’s to buy a dang belt. Pretty sure every purchase there comes with a blood infection.

Apropos of nothing, from Diana on Facebook

Eric Allen Memorial BONERJAM and babyback ribs
ZWR: I would like to take a moment to thank Tom Coughlin, who upon viewing tape of Austin Davis putting up 375 yards and 3 touchdowns, decided he wasn’t going to throw at Bradley Fletcher and Cary Williams every single solitary play of the game. “But ZWR, as a jorts-wearing Giants fan I have to interject that our offensive line wasn’t giving Eli time! Also do you like my line beard?” Listen bro, put a TE next to Pugh and throw some short curl routes and slants these guys can’t cover the Evster I’m not hearing it sorry. And no, I don’t like your line beard. Grade: A

DG: I bet Cary Williams has been thrown out of a Whole Foods for arguing at the olive bar. Grade: A-

ZWR: /starts skit about Eagles visiting a Whole Foods

Hardingererer: Easy to make these corners look good when the pass rush gets home in under 3 seconds on a majority of the dropbacks. Grade: B

The Evster: Easy to make your mom look good when your dad leaves for work! Ugh, once again, I’m sorry. I really am. I’m sure both of your parents are very nice people. My wife hasn’t let me see her butt in months. Grade: A

ZWR: That’s two mom jokes this report card!

Doc Pizza: How have the Giants won a single game in the past decade I’ll never know, let alone two (2) Super Bowls! The Birds had at least three coverage sacks simply because Eli couldn’t find an open receiver against a secondary that includes a Wawa Sizzli™ wrapper, a used Q-tip™, a toilet brush and Malcolm Jenkins. Grade: A

Special Teams
ZWR: Cody Parkey never misses (except for that one time but that wasn’t his fault). It’s so nice to not have a sinking feeling in your stomach every time your kicker comes onto the field for anything over thirty yards. Also nice- coverage and return units that are straight killing it that bald guy from Seattle is legit, yo. Grade: A

DG: Co-dy Par-key, clap clap clap-clap-clap. Grade: A

Hardingererer: They showed ol’ Crazy Eyes Fipp on the broadcast last night and what was he doing? Why, he was looking crazy because of his eyes like usual. Don’t change a thing about anything. Grade: A+

Oh hey guys how ya doin' wanna drink some Dr. Pepper or
murder someone or commit tax fraud or buy bootleg jerseys? (Photo: @dhm)

The Evster: He really does have crazy eyes. Grade: A

Doc Pizza: No touchdowns this game???? WTF dude. Grade: FFFFFF

Coaching
ZWR:

Photo: @dhm

DG: You my dude, Chip

Hardingererer: In Chip We Trust Grade: A

The Evster: I love everyone in this life. Grade: B

Doc Pizza: It’s already 10:30 a.m. Monday (and I took off work on Friday so that I could be hungover from going to the Flyers home opener, mind you) and I have still yet to do a single thing of actual work yet today. Also I got a promotion last week. What a time to be alive. Grade: Luv u Chipper

1 comment:

  1. All I could think of watching Shady scamper all over the place on Sunday; "A+ Forever"

    ReplyDelete

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