Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Week Five Report Card and Giants Week Six Preview

Hey kids ZWR here sorry for the delay I was traveling on Monday and didn’t get the Google Doc out to the team until Tuesday morning I’ve got to do a better job there and put the team in a better position to win. Since we're so close to the next game we decided to fold in an exhaustive preview of the Giants. Time’s yours. 

ZWR: That Nick Foles slide/dive/doofbomb gave me as much pause as any missed throw or bad read during the game. I mean, this man is paid to be a professional athlete and he couldn't just slide in a big open field without tipping over and dropping the football and then getting his arm caught backwards behind the back of his head! TBQH it was pretty funny. Grade: DOOFBOMB

DG: Nick Foles might be the least athletic professional athlete I’ve ever seen, non-baseball division. Did you know he has more combined fumbles and interceptions than touchdowns so far this year? That’s a stat! I looked it up and everything! Take that, Paul Krugman. Grade: C

Hardingererer: The Eagles are 4-1. There’s a very defensible argument to be made to start Mark Sanchez. Both of these things are true. Grade: C-

The Evster: After Rex Ryan benched his starting quarterback on Sunday, I fully expected his backup to leap over six guys and throw a 74-yard touchdown pass to an actual jet on the very first play. After the first series -- which consisted of a handoff, a sack, and an incomplete pass to the Special Teams Coordinator -- I began to understand why Nick Foles is our quarterback. Grade: B-

Doc Pizza: haha you guys didn’t listen. You REFUSED to listen. I told you Nick Foles stunk and you called me an idiot. “I'm going to keep this objective, Dr. Pizza, but go screw your face that’s so dumb,” ZWR said to me after I called out Nicky in Week 3. Zoo, I want my apology handwritten in green ink and also notarized. The guy is a stinker, plain and simple. Grade: FFFFF


Running Back
ZWR: Shady had more than 17 yards, which was positive. Sprolesy was adorable and so fast once again that trade was pretty great. Grade: A+ Forever

DG: An actual eagle would be a good running back because it could hold the ball in its talons and fly over everyone into the end zone. I can’t believe no one’s ever thought of this. It’s so obvious. Grade: idk B?

Hardingererer: Getting tougher and tougher to give Shady that A+ forever on previous merit. Sproles rules. Grade: A+ Forever

The Evster: I’m sure Pierre Thomas is a very nice person. And Mark Ingram has a Heisman trophy (which is pretty cool). I don’t really know who Khiry Robinson is, but I assume he’s very fast and good at running while holding stuff. That being said, every citizen who lives in the great city of New Orleans should storm the Saints’ offices and drag their general manager into the town square and shoot him right in the face. Grade: A

Doc Pizza: One of these games Shady is gonna run horizontal so stinkin’ far that he runs laterally through the sideline, thought the stadium wall, through the concession area and out of the complex into the JETRO parking lot. Shady: Go forward. Chip: More Sprolea. Grade: D

ZWR: Riley Cooper had a ball land in his hands while in the endzone and didn’t drop it. Again, we’re making progress on offense! Jeremy Maclin was awesome again and neither Jordan Matthews nor Josh Huff made mistakes. The tight ends contributed. I was happy. Grade: B+

DG: You know what? I’ll say it. I’ll just come right out and say it. I’ll just buckle down, consequences be damned, and let the words come out of my mouth and float into the air for public consumption. Here I go. Just gonna let ‘er rip. Ready? Okay. I miss Desean Jackson terribly. Grade: B+

Hardingererer: Nice to see Riley Coops understand that when the ball is in coming towards him in the end zone the Eagles pay him $5M to catch it. Hopefully he remembers that next week and beyond. Shmoney Shmaclin continues to cook. Grade: B+

The Evster: The Philadelphia Eagles are by far my favorite collection of grown men who happen to play football in the town where my parents decided to raise me. But if they were down six points in the final seconds of the Super Bowl™ and decided to throw a fade pattern to the back of the end zone, I would want the ball to bounce off of Riley Cooper’s hands and crush the dreams of this entire city. And not because he’s a racist. No, not because of that at all. But because of his haircut. His dumb, stupid haircut. Grade: B+

Doc Pizza: I actually feel bad for the Eagles receivers now (except Riley Cooper). I have empathy for a group that’s collectively making more per minute of gameplay than I will ever make in my entire pointless life (except Riles Cooper). When you’re MAKING PLAYS and your QB is just sitting there on his rear end like “lmao I’m just gonna go ahead and fumble the ball here if that’s OK with you guys don’t really wanna hold it anymore tbh” I bet that gets tiring. Grade: A-

Offensive Line
ZWR: I watched this game at an outdoor bar on 6th Street in Austin that had a taco truck somehow parked on-site and I have to tell you that was pretty much the coolest way to watch a game ever definitely better than being there. And because we rule, I found two Birds fans. LOL that guy from the Rams who had 19 sacks last year got so Jason Peters’d. Grade: $3 pints of Shiner and bacon brisket tacos.

DG: I watched the game alone in my living room and ate leftover spaghetti. So I guess we’ll call our game experiences a tie. Grade: B+

The Evster: I went to a wolf sanctuary on Saturday ( and let me tell you wolves will rip your face right off your butt. Grade: B+

Doc Pizza: I went to see Gone Girl with ma gurl this weekend and let me tell you for those who have seen the movie already or read the book watching this Eagles O-line trying to block for the run is like that one scene with Neil Patrick Harris you know the one I mean. Grade: D

Hardingererer: I watched the game on my couch like a normal person and the offensive line seemed to have the definition of a “meh” game. Not bad, not great. Grade: C+

Defensive Line
ZWR: Bet you know who they are now Evster Darrell Stokes with the huge strip sack and Jerome Biggins with a touchdown! And while he didn’t get an official sack, Isaiah Steed was getting pressure all game up the middle. Grade: We make such stupid jokes.

DG: Great game out of 4th round pick Jeremiah Dusseldorf. Looking like a steal. Grade: A

Hardingererer: Good performance. You don’t see an elite QB like Austin Davis forced into multiple bad turnovers like that very often. Grade: A-

The Evster: Here’s the thing: If they’re gonna play Jackjaw Reynolds in the middle of the 3-4, they’re gonna have to think about sliding Rooftop Murphy into the gap and bring more pressure with Lester Thurmon AND Peachbottom Stewart. I dunno, that’s just one guy’s opinion. Love what Earl Coggleswood is givin’ em on third downs though. Grade: A

Doc Pizza: Brandon Graham forced a fumble with the tip of his ring finger alone. It took only the tip of his weakest finger to knock the ball out of the arms of a professional football player. I couldn’t even lift a gallon of milk til like 3 weeks ago. Grade: B+

ZWR: I think they played well. Grade: A-

DG: Casey Matthews made a play. CASEY MATTHEWS MADE A PLAY. Take the rest of the day off folks, we got a parade to organize. Grade: A-

Hardingererer: Casey Matthews played...not bad? Actually kind of good? Everyone else was good too! Grade: A

The Evster: At the linebacker position, you need PLAYMAKERS. Lawrence Taylor. Dick Butkus. Ronnie Lineblacker! Casey Matthews’ sole responsibility is to not do anything. Like, just don’t try to make tackles or do anything that would make the announcers call your name out on national television. As best I could tell, Casey did a pretty good job of that on Sunday. So nice job, Casey. Nice job not doing anything. Grade: C

Doc Pizza: Would like to use this LBs section to remind everyone about Nick Foles’ fumble in the 4th quarter where he literally just fell on the ground and dropped the football without anyone touching him, costing me approximately $95.45 in bets because the Eagles didn’t cover the spread. I hate you Nick Foles. Grade: linebackers

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam
ZWR: Here’s my theory: Nolan Carrol is blind. Because unless Nolan Carrol is blind, there is no way on the planet he’s inferior to Cary Williams and Bradley Fletcher. AND this whole talking about Nolan Carrol thing implies acceptance of the notion that Brandon Boykin is too short to play on the outside despite having the actual ability to run next to an NFL wide receiver and prevent him from catching every single pass thrown to him. Grade: We start two guys on par with Izel Jenkins, whose nickname was “Toast”.

DG: cary williams more like CARRY WILLIAMS bc the rest of our defense has to pick up the slack when he plays bad someone please put this on a t-shirt the end. Grade: Get it? Carry, like “support the weight of.” Words mean different things when you spell them differently. Lotta people don’t know that.

Hardingererer: Cary Williams is a bowl of fart soup and Bradley Fletcher has the ball skills of a small toddler. I would start Nolan Carroll and Brandon Boykin next week, but that makes too much sense. Repeatedly torched by Austin Davis, Brian Quick, Kenny Britt, and the crew. Unreal. Grade: F

The Evster: In Cary Williams’s defense, Brian Quick, Kenny Britt, Tavon Austin and Austin “Tavon” Pettis are the fucking four greatest receivers in the history of the world. Grade: D-

Doc Pizza: Really getting tired of saying this but Cary Williams just goes out there week after week and gets the JOB DONE. Sure he looks like a wet towel draped over someone’s back when he’s trying to tackle and yeah, he definitely never looks back for the ball when in coverage, almost always allowing the receiver an uncontested shot at the catch. BUT he trash talks like he doesn’t do any of those things, and really, that’s just as important. Grade: Go see Gone Girl

Special Teams
ZWR: I am a huge fan of blocking punts for touchdowns every game let’s keep doing that. Also enjoy a kicker that makes his field goals. Did you see Alex Henerey went 0-3 and got cut on Sunday? Grade: A++++++++++

DG: Yes. Grade: A

Hardingererer: Crazy Eyes Dave Fipp Coach of the Year you heard it here first. Grade: A++++

The Evster: Special Teams? More like Special DreaI’m sorry. Grade: A+


ZWR: I’m blindly loyal to Chip and can see the case for throws being left out there that if made make the offense look considerably better and know that the offensive line situation compromises things and love that his special teams folks are killing it but the secondary thing has me worried. I can’t see how they keep letting Williams and Fletcher kill them once we start playing not the Rams or Jaguars.

DG: I’ve made this point before, but I think football coaches should be allowed to coach from atop a horse like a Civil War general. Grade: B

Hardingererer: In Chip We Trust is the motto, but he’s been oddly stubborn with some of his personnel decisions and playcalling the past few weeks. Grade: B

The Evster: I’ve known one other guy named Chip in my life and he had a toupee. Grade: A

Doc Pizza: I wonder if Chip ran Darren Sproles more the Eagles run game would be better and I also wonder if he put in Mark Sanchez, a more-than-competent quarterback, the passing game would be better and I wonder if he threw Riley Cooper into the Delaware River racism would end? But what do I know. Grade: B


  1. not nearly enough talk about the Wolf Sanctuary. Just spent 15 minutos on their website.

    1. Blogpost about it on coming later today!!!

  2. Harderingeringer - would you please post your recipe for fart soup? My mother-in-law is coming for dinner on Sunday and I'd like to serve it to her.

  3. This is the best thing I read every week. I don't know if that's good for you guys, or if I don't read enough.

  4. i scrolled through just to laugh at the pictures. i couldnt stomach a recap of last week...


Leave a comment, or whatever.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...