Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Eagles Week 12 Report Card

ZWR: Mark Sanchez doesn’t always inspire confidence with his play, but his love of the chicken tenders always wins me back. I’m ride or die with Franchez, until the moment Nick Foles is able to return at which point eat away bro set up an omelet station for all I care. Grade: We Won

Getty Images

 Hardingererer: I had no idea Sanchez was so mobile within the pocket until this year. He's so slippery! Of course, the functional mobility thing takes a back seat to actual quarterbacking which he's been okay(I think?) at so far. Grade: B-

DG: There are so many quarterbacks who could be so much fun in this offense. We don't currently have any of them on the roster. Watching Sanchez and Foles run it is kind of like watching someone learn to drive stick on a NOS-filled neon Honda. We need someone who knows how to handle this type of machine. What I'm saying is that we should let Vin Diesel play quarterback. Grade: idk B?

ZWR: 100% chance Vin Diesel is better than Matt Barkley.

The Evster: I’m tryin’ to think: is Mark Sanchez the best-looking quarterback in Eagles history? I mean, Randall was suave (and good enough for Whitney Houston), but his flattop was also a littttttttle too perfect. Mark Cavanaugh was handsome (if you’re into that traditional white person look), but personally, I like my quarterbacks like I like my leather boots; (EDITOR’S NOTE: SO REDACTED). I imagine Norm Van Brocklin looked like a shoe. Grade: A forever, based on Sanchez’s one moon ball attempt (he almost hit the moon!)

Doc Pizza: Does this game even really count as a win because if the team lost we would all have thrown ourselves in front of the 27 or the 9 bus and had our carcasses driven and splattered all the way to Andorra? The answer is no it does not count at all. Grade: B

Running Backs
ZWR: Shady was bouncing around again and it called to memory those dream nights of old where we danced around the apartment, ushered in movement by the sounds of our naive youth and even more naive love. Sprolesy sprolesd the sprole out of ‘em little man scores a touchdown every game despite getting like four carries. Polky Polk was booming brains.Grade: A++++++++ Forever

Hardingererer: And on the 23rd of November in the year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Fourteen, Shady McCoy got untracked. I hope. Could also just be the Titans. Grade: A+ Forever

DG: I read that and immediately pictured Shady all decked out in leather and singing the boy part of Summer Lovin to to the offensive line. Grade: A

The Evster: How do people feel about Shady’s little sway move endzone dance? I think it’s fine -- like he’s in Naughty By Nature’s “Hip Hop Hooray” music vid -- and he seems to enjoy it, which is nice. If I were to ever score an NFL touchdown, I would take out a cellphone, throw it to a nearby fan, and then strangle a woman in a Best Buy parking lot. Grade: A forevvies

ZWR: Or a library parking lot.

Hardingererer: I really like how he varies the amount of sway and enthusiasm about said sway with regards to how important the TD was. Yesterday the sway was real casual, because he knew it was a fairly meaningless TD in the long run. But if Shady scores a go-ahead TD or something? You better believe that sway is violent and aggressive. I’m a fan.

Doc Pizza: I don’t like any of the hip-swaying dance moves I’ve been seeing in sports or at weddings, and it’s getting worse by the day I feel. I would really appreciate it if I didn’t have to see such sexually suggestive dance moves on the football field, a place reserved for athletics, not sex. I don’t need my children seeing these disgusting players dancing like they’re having intercourse and I hope you all feel the same way about this filth. Grade: COOL IT

ZWR: You know it’s going to be a good game when James “Night Games James” Casey catches a touchdown… during the daytime! That’s a bonus, because he traditionally dominates night games. That’s how he got the nickname “Night Game James”. It’s the origin. Grade: A

Hardingererer: Any time you get daytime production from Night Game James you have to take advantage and the Eagles certainly did. Riley Cooper’s contract calls for him to receive an $800,000 signing bonus and $1M over 17 weeks, meaning that through this portion of the season Riley Cooper has stolen roughly $1,505,882.35 from the Philadelphia Eagles.

DG: Everyone did okay but if I'm in the Eagles front office and someone calls me tomorrow around lunch and offers a pastrami sandwich for Riley Cooper I'm at least gonna hear them out. Grade: B+

The Evster: Last night while laying in bed (t-shirt, no panties) I started giggling to myself thinking about how stupid/amazing the nickname “Night Games James” is. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: I think Night Game James kinda sounds like a cool name for a serial murderer if I’m being completely honest with you all. Love LOVE Riley Coops giving no effort on that Sancheezieee INT, why try when u high? Grade: B

Offensive Line
ZWR: Last night I made chicken pad thai while the Nag put the stupid baby to bed because he was WHINING SO MUCH. She told me to follow the recipe on the box of noodles. Now I’m straight banging it out and then all of a sudden I get to “add cup of pad thai sauce” and I’m like “wait wtf is pad thai sauce?” So nonchalant they were. Oh, yeah, pad thai sauce of course everyone knows what that is what with our living in Thailand and all. I go online and the first thing I see in the recipe is tamarind, so I throw my phone and am all “eff this I’m just mixing peanut butter, Sriracha, and lime juice.” But it turns out that we actually have tamarind! When the hell did we ever buy tamarind? Where do you even get it? Probably Narberth. It’s crazy looking stuff. But at any rate I tamarinded it up and got the soy bumpin and the fish sauce jumpin and then started feeling it and BOOM added a little peanut butter anyway (the natural, runny AF stuff) and it was sooooooooo good. The lesson, of course: Never give up.

The offensive line blocked well. Grade: B+

DG: Hello my name is Bosco Hollywood and I am a movie producer. This pad Thai story ... I'm interested. I'm picturing Bradley Cooper as our determined protagonist. But what if -- and just here me out here -- the pad Thai was Hamburger Helper. Gotta make this play in Middle America. Call me.

The Evster: Yesterday I watched the game with my father…

I  know!!!

… my mother, my Aunt Frayda (not my real Aunt), my brother, his wife, and my 2-year-old nephew who spent the whole game telling me he was a pirate. It was VERY HARD to pay attention. Also, my brother’s dog looks exactly like George Clooney.

I know!

Grade: A forever, based on Jason Peters starring in the upcoming Hollywood remake of The Bodyguard.

Hardingererer: I guess this is the section of the report card where we do this? I watched with my dad and 2 friends from college, but had to watch upstairs instead of my basement 2 TV setup because my dad “accidentally” cancelled RedZone on both our 2 downstairs TVs while I was at college (????). We had some dope chips and wings and won so it doesn’t even matter really. Grade: Seriously how do you cancel Red Zone?

Doc Pizza: The girl made some sweet and sour meatballs as part of our snackz display even though it was only the two of us and she hates sport(s). Women are absolutely the best and I love the one who has chosen to spend a majority of her time with me!!! Grade: Love

Defensive Line
DG: I stopped paying attention in the third quarter. I think I fell asleep for a bit. Football games are too long. We need to start wrapping them up in a tight two hours. Grade: A, probably

Hardingererer: That game was especially long. It was still going at like 4:30! 3.5 hours for an Eagles-Titans game is excessive and selfish. The defensive line played pretty well I thought? Grade: A-

ZWR: I honestly have no true recollection of our defensive line’s performance but for some reason remember Vinny Curry getting like nine sacks?

The Evster: There was one play where Trent Cole jumped a mile offsides and then sacked the Titans’ quarterback (Bob Reynolds?), but was literally the only person in the world who didn’t know he was offsides. He was celebrating all by himself, smacking teammates helmets and jogging off the field while literally all 70,000 people in that stadium -- and the additional 4 billion watching at home -- just sat there biting their tongues. No one said a word, they just let Trent have his 11 seconds of happiness before the referee broke the heartbreaking news. I have no idea if Trent Cole is a Defensive End or an Outside Linebacker in this wackadoo defense. Grade: A forever

Hardingererer: He’s an outside linebacker Fletcher Cox and Cedric Thornton are the defensive ends but whooo careszsszsz.

Doc Pizza: I guess Fletcher Cox did something? Zach Mettenberger looks like this guy I went to high school with who drove this 2001 Ford F-150 but he had some big exhaust pipes on it and it was loud as F and he thought he was the coolest but actually it wasn’t. He’s dead now. Grade: B+

ZWR: Zoinks!

ZWR: Remember that time David Akers got hurt and Mark Simoneau kicked extra points for the rest of the game? I’m still fascinated that a (crappy) linebacker was a better option than the punter in a pinch. You know, considering a punter’s paid profession is kicking a football. That’s quite the degree of specificity. I can kick a football that I drop from waist level with a moderate stride, but am wholly incapable of kicking a football off of the ground. That’s like a math teacher who can only teach addition and multiplication. “Oh no, Becky just had a stroke! We need someone to finish her lesson. Get Jennifer in here.” “No, we can’t. Jen doesn’t know how to divide or subtract. I’ll go get the janitor.” “Good call!”

Grade: A

DG: Connor Barwin needs a good nickname. We don't give out good nicknames anymore. I bet some dummies call him C-Bar. This will not do. I don't have an answer right now but I'm leaning toward Spiderblades because that sounds cool and brutal. Open to suggestions.

Hardingererer: Connor “Bar Down” Barwin? God that’s so bad I’m sorry. The Cole/Barwin/Graham trio is actually pretty good!! Is Marcus Smith even on the team? Grade: A

ZWR: Dude if Nacho Acho is hurt he's going to play a lot this Thursday!

The Evster: Mark Sanchez Blarf Blanchlez, I predict Connor Barwin impregnates every woman in Port Richmond before the season is out. I say we call him Spiderblades Jenkins: The Port Richmond Assassin, and also make a movie about it. Not about him, but about how we came up with the new nickname. We can charge $100 a ticket and only invite people through LinkedIn. This is legitimately the worst idea of all time. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Do you think Connor Barwin, before he sacks some QB, asks at the line of scrimmage if he’s ever heard of this really indie band and then when the QB says “no who’s that” Connor sacks the heck out of his dumb face. Grade: A-

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Mozzarella Sticks Party
ZWR: Zach Mettenberger got his Austin Davis on. Can’t wait to see what Tony Romo does! Grade: ZOINKS

Hardingererer: Can’t give these guys too much of a hard time, you can’t stop Mettenberger-Kendall Wright-Justin Hunter-Delanie Walker, you can only hope to contain them. Grade: C-

DG: I would like to personally thank Zach Mettenberger for making our secondary look like a collection of respected professionals after Aaron Rodgers made them look like a vat of dumb goo last week. Very much appreciated. Grade: B

The Evster: I watched an entire football game yesterday and had no idea that guy’s name was Zach Mettenberger until right now. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: In the playoffs, when we’re all on the edges of our seats, we must all remember to keep a ShopRite bag close by so when Cary Williams gives up 4 TDs to some schlub from New Orleans you can easily put that yellow bag around your head and tie it on up! Grade: C-

Special Teams
ZWR: I ripped into Josh Huff pretty good last week, and obviously it motivated him. You’re welcome. Grade: Thanks Zoo!!!

Hardingererer: This is for sure the best special teams unit we’ve had since Eagles Legend Reno Mahe was out there returning punts. Grade: A++++++

DG: Huff now neck and neck with Parkey for NFC Rookie of the Year on this reporter's ballot. Grade: A

The Evster: Does Night Games James also play special teams? If so… A forever

Hardingererer: 34 (!!!) special teams snaps on Sunday for NGJ (Night Game James)

Doc Pizza: Josh Huff didn’t fumble!!!! Grade:A++++!!!

ZWR: Dave Fipp is legit overseeing the greatest special teams performance over the course of a season in football history at any level (I looked it up). YAY TEAM. Grade: A

Hardingererer: And he’s doing it with the craziest eyes this side of the Mississippi! In Chip We Trust Grade: A

DG: Andy Reid lost to the Raiders. Grade: A

The Evster: If there was ever a time to bring back Buddy Ryan as a coaching consultant, it would be this week. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: If Chip loses on Thanksgiving day to the Dallas Cowboys with my loving family surrounding me I will never again purchase anymore Eagles attire or memorabilia. Grade: BEAT DALLAS


By Cranekicker


  1. Recaps aren't the same without Craney and BBW imo.

    1. Recaps aren't the same without your fat, disgusting mother (who is probably a very nice person, but is still fat and disgusting I mean let's be honest here)

    2. But seriously, RIP Crane Kicker.

  2. Some Connor Barwin nickname ideas: Crowbar. The Bouncer. Hacksaw. Meathook. Blitzen. Cleaver. Cosmo.

    I'm not very good at this either.

    1. Pretty good suggestions there, but not nearly as good as Craney's of BBW's.

  3. there are a lot of things I look for in a ZWR recap. comedy, drama, a night games james shout out. but a serial reference? i can't even.


  4. I call Connor by the nickname Greenbull. Former Texan, now with Eagles, also into nature and conservation and whatever.

    Great bit about the teacher that only teaches addition and multiplication. Grade: Zoowithroy.

    1. Because Connor nicknamed the Texans defense Bulls on Parade.

    2. I couldn't even come close to following this BUT CRANEY AND BOBBY BIG WHEEL, OHHHHHH, THEY WOULD'VE UNDERSTOOD IT I'M SURE

    3. I hope Evester realizes that the anonymouses are different people, and only one of them wants to replace him with some stupid Giants fan. Most of us want to replace Hardingeirisrer with Crane Kicker (RIP)

  5. How did no one mention the Franchez's number one best skill? He runs SO HARD like its a zone read after he hands off to Shady or Sproles or James K. Polk, and not even one time as a singler defender even looked at him. Not even to be all like "Whow, where is Mark going? I hope there aren't any spiders or snakes over there, he was running real hard there."

    Barwin nickname: Connor.

  6. Hamiltwan bringing the bacon (don't know if Evan can eat that since JEW)

    1. I'm willing to bring Turkey bacon for Evy, but he has to watch me eat the real stuff.

  7. Put me down for "out with Hardinger; back in with Cranky," like STAT!!! Evster should def stay, but only if he insults my fat mom in a reply to this comment.

  8. Connor MacLeod Barwin. There can be only one. End of discussion.


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