Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Eagles Week Eleven Report Card (SPOILER: F-)

ZWR: Mark Sanchez didn’t get hurt, and I consider that a victory in light of how that game played out. Everything was butt. So, so, so butt. Like, Butt City, USA. BUTT. Grade: Not injured.

Hardingererer: “He wasn’t horrible, but he wasn’t good either” is an appropriate description of the quarterback in at least 9 out of the 10 games the Eagles have played so far. Grade: D

The Evster: Absolute dreamboat matchup yesterday between Aaron “Roy” Rodgers and Mark “The Sanchinator” $anchez. My wife was locked in all game. My father on the other hand was not nearly as riveted.

Grade: F

ZWR: That’s the best picture ever.

The Evster: I know!

ZWR: Are those Birkenstocks?!

The Evster: Obvvsvvsvssvsss. With socks. How smooth is that lady’s shoulder on the back cov of #RealSimps by the by?

ZWR: Ask him if he wants to come to my house for the Titans game. I’ll light a fire in the basement, and he can have the comfy chair. We get Real Simple, Redbook, and Martha Stewart Living.

Doc Pizza: First off Ev, loving those hardwood floorsssszzz, really think they bring a classic feel to your lovely home. I was watching the game at my parents’ house and they have a carpeted living room and man oh man it’s sometimes tough to believe I really am their son. Sanchez didn’t die so I guess that’s good but he was bad, wish he was better quite honestly. Grade: F

DG: I don’t want to talk about this game. Here is the music video for Regulators.

Running Backs
ZWR: I mean, Shady didn’t look bad or anything, but we were losing 31-2 fourteen seconds into the game so how the butt are you supposed to be establishing a run game when the Packers literally (not figuratively) scored 31 points in fourteen seconds? Grade: A+++++ Forever

Hardingererer: No one got hurt. Grade: A+ Forever

ZWR: You dummy that was my quarterback grade stop swaggin’ the Z.

The Evster: How ‘bout Eddie Lacy’s bulldozer touchdown extravaganza. I bet the fellas over at I Want to Go to the Zoo with Robin Yount are going absolutely bonkers today. Grade: A forevvy

ZWR: I’m gonna go to Hair Cuttery on Wednesday night and ask for “the Eddie Lacy”.

Doc Pizza: Remember when like Chris Polk when nuts and ran for like 120 yards on two straight plays remember that? Do you remember when Chris Polk destroyed some mamalukes on his way to an Eagles touchdown? Does anyone else remember when this happened or was I just imagining it? Shady is dying right in front of our eyes. Grade: F

DG: I don’t want to talk about this game. Here is the music video for Lucky by Britney Spears.

ZWR: Jordan Matthews scored again-- it’s nice to see him showing clear progression and growth. Josh Huff made another monumentally poor play that cost the team either possession and/or points, so it’s nice to see that he’s consistent. Rookies are often inconsistent. Riley Coops … seriously how much are they paying him? It has to be one of those five year contracts for $25M where the pay schedule is $200K/$200K/$300K/$300K/$24M, right? Still want more Ertz, wasn’t surprised James “Night Games James” Casey didn’t do much since it wasn’t a night game.

Hardingererer: Riley Cooper steals money from this franchise each and every week and it makes me sick to my stomach. There’s money to be made for a more creative and enterprising mind than me to do something with JMatt and JMac for a shirt of some sort. Grade: C+

The Evster: Because my father came over to read magazines yesterday, my wife decided to make buffalo chicken fingers (which obviously were amazing), but when she came back from the store, I noticed she got bleu cheese pecan dip instead of just plain ole bleu cheese dressing. So I mean, what was I to do? Was I supposed to say, “Hmmmm, ummmm, honey, you actually shoulda got regular bleu cheese dressy,” or should I have just sucked it up and been happy with the dip and been thankful that she married me in the first place? Obviously I chose to complain incessantly which led me straight to the doghouse and an invitation to sleep in our guest bedroom (where I had a GREAT night’s sleep thank you very mucho!). Grade: #EnoughOfJoshHuff

ZWR: While I was reading Martha Stewart yesterday (Evster- be sure to mention that to your dad when you bring up the Tennessee game) I saw a recipe for “pistachio guacamole”. I thought that was the dumbest inclusion of nuts into something they shouldn’t be a part of ever… until I heard of pecan bleu cheese dip. Where does your wife shop- Narberth?

The Evster: #rude

Doc Pizza: My mom made some raviolisssss and meatballszzz and garlic breaddd for dinner last night and she strategically had it ready JUST as halftime started because she is a great and kind mom. No dumb dips with useless nuts in them in that house. She also made a lemon cake with some dope icing that was da bombbbbbb. Receivers were ok. Grade: C

DG: I don’t want to talk about this game. Here is the music video for She’s Gone by Hall & Oates. 

Offensive Line
ZWR: I went up to Penn State this weekend with Quiyanche, Fab Five Freddie, and Mazda for the PSU/Temple game. If you’ve ever wondered what four guys in their mid-thirties do after a game they started tailgating for at eight in the morning the answer may or may not be “fall asleep while we’re supposed to be showering up to go party downtown, wake up to order strombolis, and then fall back asleep during the second quarter of Miami/FSU.” Grade: I’m so old and don’t even care sleep is amazing and it was too cold outside. Grade: DP Dough forgot Matzah’s ranch!

Hardingererer: He comes to Penn State and doesn’t even let me know he’s in my neck of the woods. Unbelievable.

ZWR: You’re full of crap I told you we were coming and sent out a tweet asking where the BANGIN house parties were Friday night and you didn’t answer not my fault your house party wasn’t bangin and you were ashamed.

Hardingererer: That tweet never happened. My dad was up for the game too. It could have been everything you’ve both ever wanted. Offensive line side note: remember when people thought Matt Tobin was good based on 3 preseason games? Grade: D

The Evster: My mom told me yesterday that she recently had a brain scan that revealed she might’ve had a stroke like 5 or 10 years ago. Grade: A forever based on that one time Jason Peters stuck up for Folesy.

Doc Pizza: On Saturday I didn’t leave my couch for a single second except to use the bathroom (pee and/or poop). I had a bagel and some eggs while watching the Penn State game and when my girl went out for a Girls Night with her friends who are girls, I continued to sit on the couch and watch some Impractical Jokers On Demand until about 10 p.m. when I fell asleep on the couch. Didn’t watch any more football after the PSU game because I quite honestly didn’t feel like it. The offensive line played yesterday, I believe. Grade: F

DG: I don’t want to talk about this game. Here is the music video for Runaround Sue.

Defensive Line
ZWR: Really stellar job of getting pressure all day guys. Not that it mattered with that blanket coverage. Grade: N/A

Hardingererer: Really seemed like it was a 7-on-7 drill for Rodgers yesterday. Grade: F

The Evster: It’s a shame that the only place you can find a Roy Rogers these days is on the goddamn New Jersey Turnpike. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: It was brought to my attention last week that the Evster works in the same building and on the same gd floor as my woman and this makes me want to gently ask her to quit her job ASAP and burn down the Wanamaker building. Grade: Eagles!

DG: I don’t want to talk about this game. Here is the music video for Club Tropicana by Wham.

ZWR: “Hi, I’m a chicken parm sandwich. I’m amazing, arguably one of the best food items on earth. I will never disappoint you. I’ve always been good. I am amazing. Everyone knows it. This is my brother, a stalk of celery. His hair is stupid but you can cut it off.” Grade: F-

Hardingererer: Only the Flyers ever get the right brother. Grade: F

The Evster: Imagine what Monday mornings must’ve been like for Casey Matthews growing up:

Dad walks into the kitchen a day after destroying the Bengals...

Bruce Matths: Hey kids, how were your weekends?

Casey: Oh, you know, pretty good. I scored five touchdowns on Friday night and broke six kids spleens and this is my new girlfriend, Monica, she’s got potato thighs.

Bruce Matths: Nice. How ‘bout you, Clay?

Clay: I f**ked 19 girls and ate an entire loaf of bread.

Bruce: My man!

**high fives Clay; every window in the house shatters; Casey has to clean it up.**

Grade: F

Doc Pizza: I hate writing these frigging things after they lose a game I srsly want to write about 100 curse words in each recap but end up writing instead about food or family or love, which is actually pretty soothing come to think of it. This is more like a group diary that we share with the world, is anybody else doing this? I love writing these after losses it’s therapeutic. Grade: No linebackers played in this game.

DG: I don’t want to talk about this game. Here is the music video for Home Sweet Home by Motley Crue.

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Smashing Pumpkins Listening Party
ZWR: This is not exaggeration. You could have gone to Al Harris and Eric Allen’s houses on Thursday morning, picked them up, and driven the three of you across the country to Lambeau Field, stopping to eat at fast food restaurants (I’m talking Sonic quality) and sleeping in the cheapest roadside motels. Then on Sunday y’all could have gone into the Eagles locker room and gotten them suited up, started whichever won the coin flip at corner (without even stretching!) … and he would have been better than Bradley Fletcher.

Hardingererer: Noted Bowl of Fart Soup Cary Williams was overshadowed by Noted Fart Sandwich on a Poop Roll Bradley Fletcher yesterday. Randall Cobb just caught another pass. Grade: F-----------------

The Evster: Noted Pan of Tit Souflée Going Hardingererer once again fails to post one picture of a college chick at a fraternity party. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: Ahahahah Bradley Fletcherrrr is the worst human being alive. I was talking about this with friends yesterday but what if people critiqued our everyday, boring, dumb jobs like we do with the Eagles?

*I write “key messaging documetn” in an email instead of “key messaging document” and send to my coworker, Lisa*

LISA: Joe is a piece of trash human being and I hope he slips and falls in the shower, hitting his dumb skull on the faucet and dies slowly.

DG: I don’t want to talk about this game. Here is the music video for Holding Out for a Hero by Bonnie Heart.

Special Teams
ZWR: Negative twelve wind chill and the field’s falling to pieces. Does that impact Cody Parkey? LOLOLOLOLOL of course not! (Except for when he fell trying to kick the ball but otherwise…)

Hardingererer: Someone take Josh Huff off the punt team. Grade: D-

The Evster: Great effort by my mother considering she has brain damage. Grade: D

ZWR: I mean, I just don’t know what to make of you.

Doc Pizza: Cody Parkey regression delayed another week, which is good! Grade: D

DG: I don’t want to talk about this game. Here is the music video for Freek N You by Jodeci.

ZWR: Can't answer until I know for sure if the coaches instructed Josh Huff to run down the field and NOT TACKLE the punt returner. Grade: Incomplete

Hardingererer: In Chip We Trust Grade: D

The Evster: I would’ve been so cold standing on those sidelines. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: *we’re down by a billion with 3 seconds left in the first half and inside the 10 yard line* Hey we need to be sure we get the three points with a field goal here instead of try for a TD so we can be down by a billion minus three instead of just a billion. Also let’s make sure our QB runs back 12 yards when we’re at the 3-yard-line instead of using Chris Polk, who is half human, half Ford F-150. Grade: D

DG: I don’t want to talk about this game. Here is the music video for Act A Fool by Ludacris.


  1. oh shit. i don't think i can work in the wanamaker building anymore.

  2. If you Wanamaker building
    You gotta be Evster's friend
    Make it last forever
    Friendship never ennnnndddddsssss

  3. I'd like to bring up the fact that Jon Gruden said the Eagles cornerbacks are doing a great job this year just last week, particularly praising Bradley Fletcher. I'm pretty sure Gruden is blind.

  4. Bruce Matthews is not their father


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