Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Eagles Week Ten Report Card


Quarterback
ZWR: Well you certainly have to be happy with that performance from Mark Sanchez. Of note, it was enjoyable to have our quarterback not throw the ball to the other team, or drop it while trying to slide. But it’s not all positive, kids. I got lots of “Sanchize” and “Dirty Sanchez” texts/emails/pages Monday night. Those two nicknames are SOOOO BAD. Don’t use them. That’s an order. Grade: A



Hardingererer: But are those better than calling him and the skill position players Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch? Asking for a friend. Grade: A

ZWR: Also banned. #banned

Doc Pizza: OK, so before I get into these grades I need to share the disclaimer that prior to entering the Linc on Monday, I consumed approximately two dozen adult beverages and some nasty chili. In my inebriated state I was obviously in no way able to properly evaluate athletic performance. With that said, I will try my best to share with you all the thoughts I had on the football game using what’s left of my memory. Here goes: MARK SANCHEZZZZZZ BABYYYY WHAT A HECK OF A THROWS HE MADE ON THAT FIELD *high-fives fat guy in Row 13* WOOOOO REMEMBER NICK FOLES OR WHATEVER HIS NAME WAS I DON’T! GRADE: FEELING GOOD

ZWR: OMG did you poop at the game? I’ve never pooped at a game. Too scared.

Doc Pizza: It was VERY close, deathly close. I’m not a praying man, but I was asking the big man in the sky to allow me to survive the Broad St. Line back to my apartment with some dignity. Jkjk i made it with time to spare.

The Evster: We are gathered here today to pay our respects to Nicholas Edward “Nick” Foles, beloved husband, son, former starting quarterback, and overall dorf with a really embarrassing haircut. Nick, or “Folesy Bojangles” as he was known for like two hours of my life, had the ability to literally throw a ball to the moon and have it land softly in the arms of a waiting receiver. Unfortunately, Nick was not nearly as good-looking as our current starting quarterback, who has both a razor sharp jawline and a perfectly round tomato ass. RIP Nick. May your moon balls fly in heaven forever. Grade: A forever

DG: Mark Sanchez, on more than one occasion, avoided the pass rush by stepping up in the pocket, after which he planted his back foot firmly in the turf and delivered a pass while standing straight up and transferring his weight to his front foot. I had forgotten you were allowed to do that. Grade: A

ZWR: What a fickle bunch! We stink. Sorry Folesy we all still love you (except for Dr. Pizza).

Running Backs
ZWR: All week we heard about this three-headed monster kabob totem pole of a running barrage that was set to asplode on Monday night … and they had like 7 carries for 19 yards but WHATEVS two were touchdowns and Sprolesy had that punt return and Chris Polk looked very handsome you just keep worrying about the pass, the Packers. Grade: A+++++++ Forever

Hardingererer: Can you believe the Saints gave us Darren Sproles for a 5th round pick lol I mean really. Grade: A+ Forever

www.businessinsider.com.au

Doc Pizza: SHADY AND SPROLESEYYYYY I WANT TO KISS THEM ON THE FOREHEAD LIKE A LOVING GRANDPARENT BUT ALSO CHRIS POLK BUT KIND OF MORE LIKE CHRIST POLK IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT BECAUSE HIS DESTRUCTIVE RUNS ARE HEAVENLYYYYYY!!! Grade: YEPPP STILL GOOD

The Evster: I’m not saying this is how I feel, repeat, I am not saying this is how I feel, but it might be time (keywords there are “might be”) to consider starting Darren Sproles as the Eagles’ feature back while demoting Shady to third down duties. Once again, I’m not sure I actually feel this way, but someone had to say it. Grade: A forevvy

ZWR: No offense but that’s so dumb.

DG: Somehow, through a process that almost had to involve sorcery, Darren Sproles scored a touchdown on an 8-yard run that saw him cross the goal line with no Carolina Panther within five yards of him. I liked this play. Grade: A

Receivers
ZWR: I ate onion rings Monday night. Oh man, a good onion ring is something to be cherished, like a baby or a sunset. Do up that batter, get the unzie itself perfectly tender, OMNOMNOM. Nailed it. Good job by Jordan Matthews, too. Oh and Riley Coops block on the #FROLES touchdown was downright ridiculous. Not much from “Night Games James” Casey, which was surprising since it was a night game. Grade: A

The Evster: Maybe his nickname should actually be “Night Game James” not “Night Games James” because he only played well in one night game but then again no one likes grammar jokes Ev you fat disgusting Jew. Grade: B

ZWR: I do agree that you’re a fat disgusting Jew good point.

Hardingererer: Our frat chef made some atrocious onion rings today. On the flip side of Zoo’s point, a bad onion ring is absolute trash. Jordan Matthews is going to asplode with Sanchez at QB after all the work they did together this summer. Brent Celek is still an eligible receiver! Who knew? Grade: A-

Doc Pizza: WHEN YOU HAVE MARK SANCHEZ AS YOUR QB IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO YOUR RECEIVERS ARE BECAUSE HE’S THAT GOOD SAW A LOT FROM JORDAN MATTHEWS THO HE WAS RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE DOING GOOD THINGS AND NOW I’M THINKING ABOUT FRENCH FRIES AND POSSIBLY ANOTHER BEER. Grade: GOOD FEELINGS

DG: It’s criminal that some places charge more for onion rings than they do for fries, and then when you order them you only get like 6-7 spread around the plate. I barely thought about this under five minutes ago and now I think we should consider marching on Washington. I smell collusion. I smell fraud. I smell INJUSTICE. We’ll win this battle and use it as a springboard for mozz stick equality in the future. I will not be denied on this. Vote DG 2016. Grade: A


Offensive Line
ZWR: I just remembered- on Sunday we went to the mall and I got a burger that had onions rings on it and that was ridiculous, too. I also like a fried egg on a burger. One night I’m going to make one with unzies, an egg, and blue cheese. I can’t wait for Thanksgiving, either. I’m so fat. Grade: B+

Hardingererer: The book on Mark Sanchez has always been that he will pick you apart with his accuracy, arm strength, and decision-making if you give him time in the pocket, and the line did just that. Jason Peters engulfs mortals on a weekly basis. Grade: A

Doc Pizza: I PERSONALLY WOULD’VE KILLED FOR A CHEESEBURGER AT ABOUT THE 13 MINUTE MARK OF THE 1ST QUARTER I HAD JUST RUN UP THE STAIRS TO CATCH OPENING KICKOFF AFTER DOWNING A THOUSAND BEERS AND SORT OF FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO DIE OF A STROKE OR SUFFOCATION AT ANY MOMENT. THIS OFFENSIVE LINE IS PRETTY GOOD WHEN IT’S HEALTHY IF YOU ASK ME ABOUT IT. Grade: A

The Evster: During a fire drill at work today I took a dump at the Ritz Carlton. Grade: A forever

DG: Most luxury hotels have residences in them on the upper floors that you can buy for like $1 million. That’s always appealed to me: Never having to mow the lawn, having hotel staff and a concierge on premises, room service, etc.. Plus then you get to say “I live in the Ritz Carlton,” which is just a classy and impressive thing to say. It’s living the dream, basically. Until, of course, some slob on a brief safety-related reprieve from his joyless job walks in and stinks up the whole lobby because he’s a farm animal who can’t control his bowels and take care of business before he shuffles off to work. Smh, Evster. SmDh. Grade: A

Defensive Line
ZWR: I’m pretty sure The Evster was starting at left tackle for the Panthers, but Bennie Loges and Fletchy Co and Cedsie Thornz all still deserve lots of credit for bringin DA HEAT. There was so much heat! Surprised someone didn’t change into a tank top it was so hot. Grade: A-

Hardingererer: Cam Newton just got sacked again. Grade: A

Doc Pizza: I THINK I SCREAMED COXXX AT THE COUPLE IN FRONT OF US ABOUT, GIVE OR TAKE, 100 TIMES AND THEY HATED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM BUT I ON THE OTHER HAND FELT LIKE JUST ONE MORE TIME AND THEY’D BUST OUT LAUGHING. NEVER DID. COULDN’T BELIEVE IT. THEY CAN GO SCRATCH THE EAGLES RULEEEE. Grade: GOOD THINGS

The Evster: Look, I’m really liking what I’m seeing outta these guys, but I still need to see them bring the heat against a real NFC contend-- **gets slapped in the face with a pickle**

DG: Bennie Logan and Cody Parkey should start solving crimes together on weekdays between games. Grade: A

Linebackers
ZWR: Everything was perfect, oh so perfect, without flaw, no hiccups, no concerns … except CASEY. But I’ll strike that from the record, I’m in a good mood, look the other way. What long pass? I don’t know what you’re talking about, Zoo. That’s right you don’t. Wait what.

Connor Barwin MVP, Brandon Graham Comeback Player of the Year, Trent Cole Ring of Honor, Nacho Acho getting entrenched love the depth. Grade: A+

Hardingererer: Connor Barwin did this to an allegedly paid NFL professional. Brandon Graham with the sneaky dope contract year season. Grade: A+



Doc Pizza: I HONESTLY THINK CONNOR BARWIN IS GOING TO ACTUALLY KILL SOMEONE SOON. THE GUY’S A FREAK. Grade: FEELIN’ REALLLL GOOD

The Evster: Before the game, ESPN and Rick Reilly did a feature on how Connor Barwin is helping to rehabilitate city playgrounds, but when referring to the Point Breeze section of Philly they called it “Breeze Point” and then I slapped myself in the face with a pickle. Grade: A+

DG: At some point between September and last night at about 8:25 pm, Connor Barwin became like a stronger version of wait crap I’m blanking on linebacker names to compare him to. Jack Beretta? Was Jack Beretta a linebacker? Sounds like a linebacker name. Let’s go with Jack Beretta. Grade: A

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Bacon Cheddar Tots Party
ZWR: Big ups to Cary Williams and Bradley Fletcher on their respective interceptions. Bigger ups to Cam Newton for throwing the ball directly to them with no regard whatsoever for where his receivers were. Also, who know the Panthers had a scrawny, albino version of Riley Cooper? (too far?)

Hardingererer: Any team that allows Cary Williams, Bradley Fletcher, and Nate Allen to record interceptions in the same game (!!!!) should be contracted. Grade: B

ZWR: That’s actually a fair point. Or at least they have to go to summer camp with the Jaguars or something.


Doc Pizza: A PICK SIXXXXXXXXXXXX. I JUST ABOUT TUMBLED 200 FEET INTO THE EXPENSIVE SEATS AFTER THAT PLAY HAPPENED I’M COMPELTELY SERIOUS. Grade: STILL FEELIN’ GOOD

The Evster: At some point during the 3rd quarter one of the Eagles’ safeties blasted his own guy in the throat and then I took another dump at the Ritz Carlton. Grade: Still A forever

DG: YAAAAAAAAAAY. Grade: A

Special Teams
ZWR: What the hell is happening they are so good I’m kind of scared. Grade: A+

Hardingererer: At this point, Crazy Eyes Fipp has legitimately transcended Earth and is now a higher being in an ideal state that the rest of us can’t even comprehend. Grade: A++++++

Doc Pizza: IS WHAT THE EAGLES HAVE GOING ON SPECIAL TEAMS EVEN LEGAL IN TODAY’S NFL I HONESTLY DON’T THINK IT IS HOW CAN YOU BE THIS GOOD LOVE SEEING SPROLES’ LITTLE TINY LEGS ON EVERY PLAY. Grade: STARTIN’ TO FEEL IT

The Evster: Could really go for a pickle right now. Grade: A

DG: That kid from Utah who pulled the Desean during the Oregon game on Saturday went to the same high school as Desean. Make a 30 for 30 about this. Grades: Sproles

Coaching
ZWR: Best staff in sports history hope we keep it within 14 in Green Bay.

Hardingererer: In Chip We Trust. Grade: A

Doc Pizza: OMGGGGGGGGGG CHIPPERRR I LOVE YOU BUDDY KEEP THIS UP NEXT WEEK IN GREEN BAY MAYBE BY THAT GAME I WON’T HAVE THIS HANGOVER ANYMOREEEE. Grade: NOT FEELIN AS GREAT HEALTH-WISE

The Evster: I have no idea who our defensive coordinator is. Grade: A forever

ZWR: Pretty sure it’s Rick Ryan.

DG:
Grade: A









...annnnnnnd we stretch

4 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. I have been calling him Philthy Sanchez. Because I called my all time favorite pitcher - you can guess who he is - Philthy. So there ya go.

    ReplyDelete

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