Wednesday, November 26, 2014

The ZWR Play-by-Play Guide to Thanksgiving Day

5:45 - Get woken up by your stupid kid, give thanks for not having slept soundly in your own home for four years. 

5:47 - Fall back asleep. 

6:00 - Get woken up again because your wife hates you and demands coffee. 

6:01 - 7:59 - exist in sleep-deprived fugue state, engaging in as little conversation as possible. 

8:30 - Get guilted by your mom for first time. 

10:00 - Drink a shower beer. It’s what the pilgrims would want you to do. 

10:42 - OMG your little cousin is bringing her new boyfriend. FRESH MEAT. 

11:37 - Break into a panic because you forgot to set your fantasy lineup and you’re back on the Matt Stafford bandwagon this week. It might be the beer talking but you’re now convinced he is taking your team to the Promised Land and you NEED him in your lineup. GODDAMMIT WHATS THE WIFI PASSWORD IN THIS HOUSEHOLD? DO THESE LUDDITES EVEN HAVE INTERNET. 

12:00 - Open your 7th beer and finally manage to login to the only stupid fantasy football website in the world that doesn't have a mobile app that your boy picked because he swore it was better than Yahoo! 

12:04 - Finally, Stafford is in your lineup. You're drunj. Unbeknownst to you, so is he.

12:10 - Your mom asks for the second time if you’ve been drinking already. Ignore her attempts to conspire against your happiness. 

1:03 - God this game is TERRIBLE. How did the stupid Lions manage to end up disgracing your television every Thanksgiving? Wow, Matt Stafford sucks. I hate Matt Stafford. Make your annual “Who is Joique Bell?” joke. 

1:11 - No longer interested in the early game, you might as well peruse the latest Black Friday deals from ZWR's Amazon link 

1:14 - Or, who knows, maybe buy a t-shirt (the perfect holiday gift! and free standard shipping starting on Thanksgiving!) from your ol' bolgin pal ZWR?! 

2:00 - Jealously stare at your cousin’s boyfriend with a seething hatred for his youth and freedom. 

2:15 - Srsly mom you just brought me a Gatorade? Very subtle. 

2:30 - Post an Instagram of your uncle's belly. Tweet it to @zoowithroy because he wrote in a post yesterday saying that he promised to retweet all fat belly pictures.  

3:00 - Aunt starts talking about Obama … decide you need to go take a poop in the upstairs bathroom. 

3:45 - Smoke some weed with your cousin’s boyfriend I mean why not it’s basically legal in Philly now anyway. Right? They passed that law didn’t they? 

3:51 - 4:11 - Irrationally panic about the legality of cannabis in this jurisdiction, but somehow neglect to Google it. Besides, your phone is 11 feet away on the kitchen table 

4:24 - Get guilted by your mom for the 5th time. You’re not even sure what she’s saying as by now she might as well be the teacher from Charlie Brown. 

4:25 - Plant your drunk, sorta high(you’re totally not! or are you? WAS THAT A POLICE SIREN?), glorious, disgusting butt in front of the television and watch the Eagles destroy the Cowboys. Wow the colors seem extra bright on this television. Give your aunt a high five for no reason whatsoever. 

End of first quarter - Eat a slice of pie. 

Beginning of 2nd quarter- Eat another slice of pie. 

Halftime - Make thanksgiving sandwich(es). Doze off midway through Joe Buck’s droning recap, spill cranberry sauce on your pants. 

2nd half kickoff - SECOND WIND KICKS IN. Dallas sucks, and you’re not afraid to let everyone in the house know about it. 

End of third quarter - Make small plate of yams and stuffing. 

Mid-way through third quarter - SON OF A B*TCH one of these dumb kids kicked over your (#?) beer. 

Fourth quarter - Curse out loud as [insert Eagles defensive back not named Malcolm Jenkins] misses a crucial tackle on third down. 

Post-game - Celebrate the Birds' big win with the most sacred of all Thanksgiving traditions: watching former mayor/governor Ed Rendell analyze the finer points of Mark Sanchez’s quarterback play on television. Wonder aloud how this ever became a thing in the first place. 


8:15 - Fake suplex all children in your vicinity. Real suplex that one nephew who’s actually kind of a d**k. 

11:30 - Wake up on the couch, note that everyone has gone to bed. Make a sandwich. Grab another slice of-- WAIT A MINUTE WHO THE FART ATE ALL THE PIE??? 

11:41 - Be thankful for that pillow in the guest bedroom 


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