Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Eagles Week 15 Report Card (Plus a Big Announcement!)


A quick note from Danger Guerrero (I'm paraphrasing what he told me): I stink and am a lazy jerk and everyone should hate me for failing them.

Okay, on to the report card!!!

Quarterback
ZWR: Mark Sanchez blows. Grade: F

Hardingererer: Foles was bad when he played and Sanchez has been pretty bad as well but at least Foles was aggressively bad, you know? Like, he threw it more than 10 yards down the field once in a while and everything? Related: My friend tried to tell me Mark Sanchez was the Eagles’ QB of the future after the Thanksgiving game and he was ADAMANT about it. Jesus. Grade: D

The Evster: There were a couple plays where Mark Sanchez tried to evade the rush and just like, fell down. Like, he planted his foot in the ground, looked like he might do some sort of sweet jackknife spin move, and then just fell. There is nothing more embarrassing that having a quarterback who just falls. That said, nice-looking man. Grade: A forever





Doc Pizza: I’ve decided that I’m going to take a positive-as-possible outlook throughout this week’s report card. Starting with Mark Sanchez and the quarterbacks, the good news here is that if you’re reading this now, you’re alive. It might not be a good life at the moment, but you’re breathing and have a pulse probably. That’s pretty much it. Grade: F

Running Backs
ZWR: We had a Sunday Funday with our neighbors on Sunday morning. It was awesome. There were donuts and muffins and bagels and mimosas and coffee with Irish Creme and we played catch and did a gift exchange for all of the kids. What an amazing morning. If only I knew that all traces of that joy would be ruined by the end of the night. Running game was tough to establish after falling behind 21-0 after seven plays. Chris Polk has the greatest job in the world. Grade: A++++++ forever

Hardingererer: Noted Chris Polk enthusiast here: dude has 6 TDs on 50 career carries. He played 3 snaps last night and had 2 carries, both of which went for touchdowns. Give him the rock. Grade: A+ forever

The Evster: There was a drive during the second quarter when the Eagles finally had some momentum going and they were just snapping the ball so quickly and running so many plays and it was exhilarating. Like, snap, give it to Shady. Snap, throw to Ertz. Snap snap snap. I just kept yelling at the television for them to snap it. Shady would be running with the ball and I was just screaming “Snap it! Snap it! Snap it!” I have no idea if this offense works. Grade: A forever

ZWR: You tweeted something about snapping the ball more and I re-tweeted it highlight of my weekend.

Doc Pizza: You’re going to a job today that you most likely despise with every fiber of your being, but at least they’re paying you money probably. You’re doing something and getting money for it so that you can pay Comcast or FiOS or DirectTV or whoever for the chance to see the Eagles miss out on the playoffs at 11-5. Grade: B

Receivers
ZWR: Riley Cooper wouldn't start for Villanova he's soooooooooo bad how can the brightest, most innovative coach in the NFL not see that he's starting a giant sack of crap at wide receiver? Really liked our first play when he caught a screen pass, had a lane, took a step backward, and tipped over.

Here's Cooper celebrating a fumble

Also, egregious error to not run more sets for James "Night Games James" Casey, as it was a night game.

Hardingererer: I’ll be honest, if you had told me in pregame that Dez Bryant would have 3 TD catches and Night Game James would have 0 in a night game I would have called you insane. Riley Cooper stolen money update: $1,705,882.35. Grade: F Riley Coops

The Evster: True story: when Night Games James was in high school he had sex with my wife. Grade: F

ZWR: Prolly at night.

Doc Pizza: There are people in your life who love you. Maybe it’s a spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend, a parent, a family member, a friend or a co-worker, someone in your life loves you for who you are. They appreciate you simply being alive, and that’s certainly something. Grade: D

Offensive Line
ZWR: Who the f*** cares?

Hardingererer: Knowing we’re wasting the last few productive years of Jason Peters and Evan Mathis’s careers (and Jason Kelce’s prime) with this shoddy QB/DB play makes me sad. Grade: B

The Evster: Probably a good time to announce that ZWR and I will be doing live play-by-play of the Ursinus College (real school!) vs. Rosemont College (also real!) basketball game this Saturday afternoon. We go live on-air (on Ursinus’s internet radio station) at 12:50pm. So far this seez, Ursinus is 0-7 and Rosemont is 3-5. The only instructions we’ve been given is “don’t curse.” CAN’T WAIT. Grade: A forever

ZWR: TRUE STORY TUNE IN!!!


Hardingererer: I literally cannot think of anything I’d rather do than listen to you two do radio for an Ursinus-Rosemont basketball game on my first full day home for winter break.

ZWR: Damn straight you can’t. We’ll have details later in the week.

The Evster: There’s literally no more details.

Doc Pizza: At your fingertips is an endless stream of digital content just waiting to be explored. You can learn something every single day, multiple times a day even, just by having access to the internet. Want to learn the real story behind Foxcatcher? Go ahead! Wanna find out how to count cards? Go for it! Interested in speaking French? Allez! Grade: C

Defensive Line
ZWR: They’re good, but on plays when they don’t stuff the run or sack the quarterback the secondary just messes it all up. Check that, the secondary even screws it up when they sack the quarterback. Grade: Need to sack the quarterback every single play

Hardingererer: Knowing we’re wasting the competitive advantage we have with Cox/Logan/Thornton cracking skulls on cheap, team-controlled contracts also makes me sad. Grade: A

The Evster: For what it’s worth, I actually have some experience doing play-by-play. When I was like, 22, I worked for the Scholastic Play-by-Play Network and used to call high school football games. Sometimes, the game would be aired on tape delay, and I would have to sit in the stands (like, next to real live human people) and call the game into a stupid tape recorder while they sat around staring at me. It was so embarrassing. I’m guessing Hardingererer doesn’t even know what a tape is. But Doc Pizza does, right Doc Peetz?!? (He used to tape his butthole closed.) Grade: B (for butt)

ZWR: I’m doing color! I can’t wait. I feel like this is a job made for me: I played half a season in seventh grade before getting kicked off the team and then scored 22 points in the eighth grade after begging my way back on the team (20 if you exclude the buzzer beater I hit in a blow-out loss in a tournament at North Catholic that I didn’t actually get off).

The Evster: Yeah, this should be great, especially because we’ve never met before, and have zero rapport, and will be feelin’ each other out like a coupla 10th graders in da back of da bus ifyaknowwhatimean.


ZWR: Once I hit seven threes in a pick-up game. Ever since I’m shooting like 14% from deep but I’m convinced I’m good at it because of that one game. Stop being a birch.

The Evster: Yeah, this should be awesome. “Zoo, how ‘bout this 1-3-1 defense Ursinus has set up in?” … “Yeah, it’s awesome. Hey Ev, did I ever tell you about the time I hit seven threes in a pick-up game?” … “Yes, Zoo. You’ve told me every time I’ve kicked it to you in the past ten minutes.”

ZWR: “My old coach- Mr. Baltimore- preferred the 2-1-2, Evan. I didn’t play defense though. Nerds play defense. Did I ever tell you about the time I hit seven triples on Second Street?”

The Evster: Ugh, where is Hardingererererer’s analysis when you need him?

ZWR: “Ursinus is shooting 22% from three on possessions after a defensive rebound within the first ten seconds of the shot clock I can’t believe they’re wasting this junior class.” Wait, are we getting paid for this? I never ask about that. Philly dot com - free. Lunch Break - free. ESPN, even - free.

The Evster: The 700 Levvy -- STRAIGHT CASH HOMEY.

ZWR: Never heard of it. Okay, back to Dr. Pizza’s dumb face.

Doc Pizza: There are beautiful places all around you. From the skyscrapers covering Philadelphia’s stunning landscape to the rolling hills and farms out in the burbs, the beauty complexity of our surroundings can truly be an unbelievable sight. Grade: B+

Linebackers
ZWR: Huge game from Marcus Smith glad we used a first round pick on him he was a quarterback in high school you know and has incredibly long fingers and impressive measurables and superb culture also I don’t think he knows what a football looks like. On the bright side, Casey Matthews actually looked to have played well alongside Mychkael Kendricks. Grade (for guys who play): B

Hardingererer: Trent Cole may be out for the rest of the season with a fractured hand. Bad news. Then Jeff McLane said that Bryan Braman would be next in line on the depth chart behind Barwin and Brandon Graham and I actually had a coronary. HOW IS YOUR FIRST ROUND PICK INCAPABLE OF BEATING OUT A CAREER SPECIAL TEAMER FROM WEST TEXAS A&M FOR PLAYING TIME??? Seriously, the Eagles have lost DeMeco, Kendricks, Najee Goode, Travis Long, Emmanuel Acho, and now Cole for various stretches of time this year at LB and he still can’t get on the field. He can’t play either linebacker position. Are there any reasons to be optimistic about him? I will eat 7 pieces of printer paper if Smith starts 16 games as an Eagle. Grade: B for not Marcus Smith

The Evster: Hardingererer, what the freak are you ever talking about? Grade: B

ZWR: Printer paper. And worrying about guys in their prime… and young guys entering their prime. I think. DUDE YOU’RE IN COLLEGE STOP WATCHING SPORTS AND PLAYING ON TWITTER YOU SHOULD BE BOINKING AND DRINKING 18 HOURS A DAY.

Doc Pizza: Music. Oh music. Take yourself back into another time with a song from the past. Lighten your mood with a calming, relaxing concerto. Become excited by what lies ahead and get your heart pumping with some uptempo dance beats. It’s spectacular to think how simple sounds strung together in a pattern can change the way we see the world. Grade: C-

Secondary
ZWR: Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha Grade: No really.

via BGN

Hardingererer: Don’t get me wrong, Bradley Fletcher and Cary Williams are both atrocious. Really atrocious. Neither should be starting in the NFL for any team, let alone one that fancies itself a playoff contender. But at what point do you blame Bill Davis for putting these guys in one on one matchups against elite wide receivers consistently? How is that conducive to success? Also, shoutout Brandon Boykin for getting torched by Cole Beasley all night but having his terrible performance fly under the radar because of how life-alteringly bad Williams and Fletcher were. Grade: I want to die

The Evster: Cole Beasley’s hair is really somethin dot com. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: Similar to what I said for the receivers, each of us has the ability to love another person. To care more about the well being of another individual more than oneself, while sometimes scary, it what makes us humans different from any other species. To even comprehend what love is or why it even exists doesn’t make much sense, but perhaps that’s what makes it so special. There’s no defining love. Grade: FFFF

Special Teams
ZWR: Didnt catch the opening kickoff NBD. Like, they kicked the ball, and we have eleven guys, and nobody caught it, and the Cowboys ran 60 yards down the field and fell on it. No big deal. NBD.

Hardingererer: You had one job, Josh Huff/Brad Smith. They could have fair caught that kick and it would have been roughly equivalent to a touchback even without any sort of effort at a return. Grade: I still want to die

The Evster: Cody Parkey be kickin’ dem field goals doe. Grade: A forever

ZWR: Truth

Doc Pizza: Think about this – it wasn’t all that long ago that when it got dark at night, that was it. Sure you could light a candle so maybe you wouldn’t slam into a wall while simply walking around your house, but at night time there was very little to do just a little more than a hundred years ago. Now? We have an endless stream of possibilities waiting for us once the sun goes down – likely even more than were available in the daylight! Extraordinary! Grade: F

Coaching
ZWR: Watched Home Alone with my daughter yesterday and she literally fell of the couch laughing when Kevin shot Joe Pesci in the nuts. Grade: CHRISTMAS!!!

Hardingererer: You ever wonder what Chip would have been able to do with McNabb? No? Just me? Grade: In Chip We Trust

The Evster: All I want is to see our quarterback throw a football as far as humanly possible. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Little disappointed in Chip’s gameplan on Sunday. Grade: Life is Wonderful!

2 comments:

  1. "A quick note from Danger Guerrero (I'm paraphrasing what he told me): I stink and am a lazy jerk and everyone should hate me for failing them."

    Accurate.

    ReplyDelete

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