Monday, December 8, 2014

Eagles Week 14 Report Card

ZWR: Mark Sanchez sucked but I’m not entirely sure it was all his fault. If we had Russell Wilson we’d go undefeated for the next five years. Grade: On to Dallas.

Hardingererer: No better example of what it’s like having a franchise QB vs. a mediocre one off the scrap heap. Grade: C-

DG: This was, kind of, and just let me have this one even if you think it’s insane because it is literally the only thing I have right now, pretty much an even game except for quarterback play. Russell Wilson is awesome and made plays on 3rd and a million, and Mark Sanchez is … less so and didn’t. Like ZWR said, not entirely his fault. It just would have been better if he was awesome. Grade: C-

The Evster: Every once in a while it helps to be reminded that Mark Sanchez can #suck #my #big #black #butt. Grade: A forever (so good-looking)

Doc Pizza: Not too much you can say about Ol Markey Sanch other than he didn’t play like Aaron Rodgers, which, I believe, is what it would have taken for the Eagles offense to beat the Seattle defense yesterday. Russell Wilson made a play every single time Seattle needed him to, Mike Sancho didn’t. Plain and Simple. Grade: C

Running Backs
ZWR: Have we thrown a screen pass since the Indianapolis game? I had Chipotle for lunch. You can get rice, beans, AND the fajita veggies, you know. They’re not just for the fajita bowl.
Grade: All the salsas except the green one. OH DAMMIT THAT WAS MY BAD KARMA MOVE. I literally ordered “all but the green one” before an Eagles game. Sorry guys. Grade: A+++++++ Forever

Hardingererer: Chris Polk gashes Dallas late last week and can’t get any burn as a bruiser against a physical defense like this? Grade: A+ forever

DG: Is Qdoba still a thing? I used to go to that place a lot because there was one right down the street from me, and when I would tell people about it they’d say “Dude, you should go to Chipotle instead.” No thanks, I would reply, I’m a Qdoba man. What a weird and stupid stance to take. Anyway, I moved three years ago and I haven’t set foot in one since. I will happily tell this riveting story on your talk show or podcast. Grade: idk C?

Hardingererer: Qdoba doesn’t charge you for guac or queso anymore (!!!!) which is a total game-changer in the Chipotle-Qdoba debate.

ZWR: Every time I see Qdoba I think of Qbert. That game was so dumb.

The Evster: That dude’s nose was amazing though. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Much like either Qdoba or Chipotle, the Eagles had the runs and it wasn’t good. Grade: D

ZWR: Oh my goodness you guys. You know who I hate? It’s Riley Cooper! For all of the evidence suggesting that Chip Kelly (and, to an extent, Howie Roseman) is light years ahead of the curve and thinking on a different plane there’s this small nagging suspicion in the back of my mind rooted in the knowledge that they signed this piece of crap to that contract. Grade: I swear to Jesus they better cut Riley Cooper

Hardingererer: Riley Cooper fun facts! 1) Riley Cooper has stolen $1,623,529.41 from the Eagles this year. 2) Riley Cooper has $6,200,000 guaranteed left on his contract. 3) Riley Cooper makes $4,800,000 next season. 3) It actually costs $1,400,000 more to cut Riley Cooper before next season than it does to keep him on the roster. 4) Riley Cooper ranks 81st in receiving yards, tied for 66th in catches, and tied for 139th in receiving touchdowns. 5) JJ Watt has 3 catches for 4 yards and still has 2 more touchdowns than Riley Cooper. Grade: F

ZWR: Going Didingerer over here. Get it!

DG: Bring back James Thrash. Grade: C

The Evster: I don’t know how anyone doesn’t love Richard Sherman. I know, I know, he’s a total blowhard, but he literally never shuts up. That’s a skill. He would be so much fun to sit next to during a PowerPoint presentashe, making fun of the speaker’s khakis and overall lame-o lifestyle. “There’s too many words on this slide! How can you put more than nine words on a slide? When you try me with a sorry presenter like Carl, that’s the result you gonna get! Don’t you ever talk about me!” Richard. literally no one is talking about you. Well, except me, and I don’t think the Beagles completed any passes thrown your way yesterday -- although I’m sure Hardingererer has the full throttle John Clayton Jr. breakdown: “Actually, on passes thrown to Sherman’s side, Sanchez completed 11% of his throws between 10 and 25 yards and beep boop beep boop beep beep quesadillas at Qdoba actually cost $4.67 because of the recent spike in tomato prices.” Grade: F

Doc Pizza: I love Riley Cooper. Every week I’ve said how bad he is and how I wish he was never born and how much he contributes to pretty much everything that is wrong in this country, so this week I’m going to say that I like him in the hopes that he doesn’t SUCK A GIANT TURDDDDD NEXT WEEK LIKE HE HAS EVERY OTHER WEEK IN HIS TERRIBLE, WORTHLESS LIFE. Grade: D

Offensive Line
ZWR: Can you imagine how scared you’d be if Jason Peters yelled at you? If I were that ref I’d have totally been too afraid to throw the flag. Or I’d have at least sprinted at least 35 yards away from him before throwing it. No way no thank you. Grade: B-

Hardingererer: Am I the only person who doesn’t see what all the fuss with regards to Lane Johnson is all about? Grade: C

DG: I want to know what Jason Peters said to that ref that made him IMMEDIATELY throw a flag for unsportsmanlike conduct. It is killing me. I must know. Someone check the tape. Get Jaws on it. This is the type of crap ESPN is paying him for, isn’t?

The Evster: I know people like to give Joe Buck a hard time, because he’s a little tweedledick who has an amazing job and surprisingly strong hands, but he’s got a pretty good sense of humor. He had one line yesterday that cracked me up, talking about how Marshawn Lynch was on the sidelines for a third down play, and thus the Seahawks couldn’t hand it off to him, although in actuality they could, it just wouldn’t be a very smart play. That’s pretty funny. I know, because I have a great sense of humor. Watch: Fleeblefloobs! Grade: A forever

ZWR: Strong hands.

Doc Pizza: Jason Peters strikes me as a man of god, so I would be surprised if he used a profanity when speaking with that referee. I bet he wished his family a happy holidays (to be politically correct), but that PoS referee was like “WHAT HAPPENED TO SAYING MERRY CHRISTMAS WHAT HAPPENED WITH THAT WHY DO I HAVE TO BE NOT A CLOSED MINDED JERK FACE? Grade: C+

Defensive Line
ZWR: Fletcher Cox is so good. Precipice of greatness good. So since we’re Philadelphia fans I’m assuming he’ll destroy his knee next week. Can’t believe I just typed that. Sorry, y’all.

Our defensive line was good. Probably would have had a bunch of sacks if Russell Wilson wasn’t permitted to throw the football to the cheerleaders while standing in the pocket solely to avoid being sacked.

Hardingererer: Fletcher Cox is a force. I seriously can’t even imagine how cool it must be to have Russell Wilson as your QB, especially because he’s allowed to intentionally ground the ball whenever he needs it. Grade: B+

DG: These guys are cool. Grade: A-

The Evster: I wouldn’t last three seconds at the bottom of a football pile. I would scream like a (Editor’s note: SRSLY EVAN?). Sometimes my wife will lay on top of me while I’m watching TV -- you know, just to have fun and show that she enjoys my company -- and if my hands happen to be caught under the blanket when she does, and I can’t move, I kick her off like a bucking bronco. Football players are idiots. No idea who Fletcher Cox is. Grade: B?

ZWR: Not strong hands.

Doc Pizza: *To the tune of Pearl Jam’s Daughter* DON’T CALL INTENTIONAL GROUNDING, NOT FIT TO. THE SEAHAWKS WINNING WILL REMIND MEEEE (I put no effort into this at all). Grade: A-

ZWR: I can tell.

ZWR: Listen, I know Trent Cole isn’t a natural linebacker. And I appreciate his hard work. But oh my if he didn’t look waaaaaaaaay out of his depth out there defending the read option. I have to give him credit, though, he was the most offsides I’ve ever seen a football player in real life on that one third down play. The only time I’ve seen works was when I was a kid and I’d be losing at Madden so I’d just run my defensive player behind the quarterback and dive at his knees trying to injure him. Now that I think of it… we should have tried that.

Hardingererer: Huge fan of Mychal Kendricks despite his inability to have a correctly-spelled first name. Grade: B

DG: What the Eagles need to consider is a revolutionary 8-2-1 defensive alignment with eight down lineman lined up all the way across the field, Barwin and Kendricks behind them, and Jenkins at safety. This represents our best chance at success. Grade: B

The Evster: One more thing about Joe Buck: why does he feel the need to talk ALL THE TIME? Buck is like the Richard Sherman of announcing. Hmmmm, maybe I hate both of them? I mean, It’s 2014, why don’t we have a feature on our cable boxes that allows us to mute the announcers, but keep the natural sounds of the game? So we can still hear all the hits, and the huts, and people screaming “RAPE!” at the bottom of piles, but without Joe Buck telling us that Trent Cole sucked a butt when we all just saw that Trent Cole sucked like four butts. Grade: A forever (saw Connor Barwin at the Interpol concert last week because of course I did)

ZWR: What the hell is Interpol did you Uber there on Tinder?

The Evster: They’re a band made of white people that my wife likes. I apologize on her behalf.

Doc Pizza: Me: Trent, what is a football?
Trent Cole: No clue, man. I honestly couldn’t even tell you.
Me: Thanks so much.
Trent: Thanks.
Grade: C-

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Whiz Wit
ZWR: The Seattle Seahawks were beating the crap out of our guys through the entire routes and getting away with it, so naturally we countered by giving their scrubnut receivers ten yards of cushion. No joke, I’m pretty sure I saw the Evster out there at one point catching a post route COMFORTABLY in front of Bradley Fletcher. Of course he dropped the pass and then did a vulgar celebration afterward but YOLO.

Also, I guess this is the spot for it, but I LOVE everything about the Seahawks defense. I love the way they destroy people. I love the way they celebrate it. I love their aggression. I really love the trash talk. My introduction to NFL defense was the Buddy Ryan Eagles, and you can’t celebrate the Body Bag or House of Pain games and then hate on the neon people. Richard Sherman and Kam Chancellor would be the two most popular players on the Eagles. There. Done.

Hardingererer: I’ve never seen anything like this Seahawks defense in Philadelphia, and that includes the Jim Johnson-era defenses. I’m jealous. But they let a really subpar group of WRs (Doug Baldwin? Jermaine “Not Jevon” Kearse? Paul Richardson? Kevin Norwood? Ricardo Lockette? Who the hell are those guys?)

DG: The fun thing about this game was that if Russell Wilson wasn’t buried in the ground or fleeing for his life and flinging passes 40 rows into the stands where they landed unpenalized because apparently the referees consider Vito from South Philly an eligible receiver now, he was completing 20-yard passes to people I’ve never heard of. I honestly think Doug Baldwin was one of my teachers in junior high. Nice guy. Better hands than I remember. Grade: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuu

ZWR: I think they said Doug Baldwin is actually trying to become a high school teacher. Huh.

The Evster: Zoo with Roy Rogers, you stole my thundy here. I wanted to talk about how freaking awesome the Seahawks D is, and how MUCH FUN they were having yesterday, and how having a bad-ass defense is basically the dopest thing ever. It’s like, I like Chip Kelly, and I like moon balls, and uptempo offenses, and the 1999 Rams, and the 1990 UNLV Running Rebels, and having sex in under 17 seconds, but there is nothing better than having a bulldozer demolishing brain bashing defense. The ‘85 Bears. Buddy’s Eagles. Even the lame-o Ravens were incredible when Ed Reed would lateral to himself and then eat a guy’s face off. Grade: F

ZWR: Bonus points to the Ravens for actually having a murderer on that team. And when did laterals go out of style? That’s another thing Buddy’s teams would always do! My god to hear me talk of them you’d think they actually won a playoff game.

Doc Pizza: 3rd and a billion no problem with Nate Allen and Cary Williams in the secondary yeahhhhjjjjj!!!! Grade: F

Special Teams
ZWR: Our special teams are so good that the Seahawks punter pooped his pants and dropped a perfect snap.

Hardingererer: Tough for a professional athlete to look less athletic than Jon Ryan did during the entire process of that dropped snap. Grade: B+

DG: The Chai Tea Latte from Starbucks is problematic because it is delicious but I feel preposterous saying the words out loud to order it. (I like mine with vanilla. “One venti vanilla chai latte, please.” My grandpa fought the Nazis for this?) I may resort to slipping some guy a $10 outside the store and telling him he can keep the change if he gets it for me, the way teenagers do at the beer distributor. Whatever, like you’re so great. Grade: C

The Evster: Imagine having to kick a football into a guy’s butt. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: When they didn’t run that muffed punt in for a TD I assumed they were only gonna get a field goal and was thinking of what the best way to shove Wheat Thins into an eye socket would be, but then they got the TD and I silently fist pumped, knowing there would be no Wheat Thins going into my skull this day. Grade: B

ZWR: This game was so frustrating to watch, and in a weird way seeing Chip flip out (a) validated the frustration and (b) made it all seem alright. Don’t know if that makes any sense. Can’t believe I screwed up so bad with that salsa. But I don’t like green salsa. #CONUNDRUM

Oh, and that Widener coach is an ass. Read this now.

Hardingererer: This game was just more evidence that the Eagles will never be a legit contender without an elite-level QB to run Chip’s offense. If they don’t find that guy (COUGHMarcusMariotaCOUGH) they’ll never win a Super Bowl while he’s here (or ever). In Chip We Trust. Grade: B-

DG: I hope Chip and Mariota have a pact that involves Mariota intentionally tanking the combine and Chip scooping him up with the late first-round pick. I giggle like a maniac when I think about this. It’s good to have dreams. Grade: B-

The Evster: Yeah I like Mariota too. **whispers to Zoo** "Hey Zoo who is Mariota is he good looking?"

Doc Pizza: Sorry Andy left you with crap players and the referees forgot this was a real NFL game being played on a real NFL field and the rules apply to both teams, Chip. Sorry about that. Mariota is going to play for the Oakland Raiders and his career will be nothing but complete and utter sadness. Grade: C+


Listen up, donkeys. No more pouting. It's over. Now ... it's DALLAS WEEK.


  1. I don't know what is worse, Evster not knowing who Fletcher Cox is (I bet he thinks Reggie White is just some minister), or the lack of mentioning that the other Fletcher (Brad Lee) got HOSED on a PI call where he got tackled by the WR two seconds before the ball go there. And then they said he "made contact while failing to make a play on the ball" even though he had his back to the WR (WHO WAS WRAPPING BOTH HIS ARMS AROUND BRAD'S HIPS) and he slapped the ball away (aka, played the ball). I hope Jerry Jones doesn't know how to bring those refs to the game next week.

    Also, is Tony Romo going to jail because he didn't list his hurt ribs on the injury report? Because he told me he can't go back to prison.

    1. omg i obvs know who fletchell cox is i'm just playing a role here man i'm just playing a role!

    2. If you really know him, can you tell him to be friends with me on Facebook? I bet he posts some awesome pictures of him working out and going to parties.


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