Monday, December 22, 2014

Eagles Week 16 Report Card (Spoiler: Sad)

ZWR: Oh man Franchez that last pick hurt so friggin’ hard but I can’t hold it against you. You did alright most of the game, and people make mistakes. Wait what. Grade: Meh, whatever.

Hardingererer: That last pick was absolutely brutal (me, my dad, and my older brother ditched a family Christmas dinner to watch the last couple minutes in the bar downstairs) but it was pretty fair all things considered when you remember that our season came down to us relying on Mark Sanchez for the last 7 games. Grade: sad

The Evster: I was actually pretty impressed that the Sanchinator was able to heave it to the end zone on that last hail mary. Nice job, Mark. Grade: A forever (so handsome)

DG: Sanchez played great for the whole game and then crapped the bed in spectacular fashion -- please feel free to paint a very literal picture of this in your head, if you like -- right at the end. His performance was basically a metaphor for the entire Eagles season. Grade: Poo everywhere

Doc Pizza: I guess we’re still writing this thing like anything in life even matters anymore. I had to “watch” this game on my phone because I’m in Pittsburgh with my gf’s family who doesn’t have NFL Network and it was also the family holiday party during the game. From what gamecenter on my phone told me Sanchez didn’t play that poorly. Grade: Green bean casserole

Running Back
ZWR: Shady was playing great, Sproles was dynamic, and Chris Polk has proven himself to be unstoppable in short yardage. So I’m really glad we abandoned McCoy in the second half and didn’t use Polk at all, including on two critical, short-yardage plays where we bailed. You know, despite having Riskface Winshares McGee as head coach and playing a team starting Evan’s dad at linebacker. Grade: A+ Forever

Speaking of Evan, when we saw each other in the diner lobby Saturday morning he went in for a handshake and I went for a hug and we each pulled up and ended up just kind of rubbing our crotches together. That was cool. Grade: Man crotch

The Evster: I can honestly say that in my 37 years on this earth, that was probably the most awkward first handshake/hug combo I’ve ever been a part of (and that includes the time when I was reunited with my biological father (in a Denny’s parking lot) and he went in for a standard handshake and I threw up when I saw how fat he was). Grade: A forever

Hardingererer: I’m so happy I didn’t watch you guys broadcast that game. Also so, so, so, so, so, so happy we didn’t use noted short yardage specialist Chris Polk in short yardage. Grade: sad

ZWR: I’m so glad you’re fired turn in your Lenovo.

DG: I wonder if the waitress looked at you two jamooks sitting there in the booths, glancing at your menus and making dumb jokes about breakfast foods, and she decided right then and there -- before she even walked up to get your drink orders -- that she hated you both and was spitting in your food. I bet she did. Grade: Loogey and bacon omelette

ZWR: True story once my friend ordered an omelette with no cheese and we were all, "WTF you're the worst."

Doc Pizza: The good thing about being in western PA with your girlfriend’s family is that pretty much every single meal is made for you the bad part is every single meal has french fries and cole slaw on it. Grade: The bread here is a literal joke

ZWR: Glad we decided to actually play and use Zach Ertz who’d have thunk it? And shut up Riley Cooper I’m not cheering for you I don’t care if you catch thirteen touchdowns in the Super Bowl (lol) I hate your face get a hair cut. Grade: Maybe use Ertz the last two weeks guys?

ALSO: Don’t get mad at DeSean for relishing the moment yesterday. If I were him I’d have mooned the sideline once I saw Bradley Fletcher covering me with no safety help, and then run my route (still beating him by an easy ten yards) with my pants down at my ankles and my wang flopping in the cold, Maryland night.

Hardingererer: Totally agree. If they didn’t want Desean to get excited about last night they shouldn’t have cut him and paid Riley Cooper (who earned his money last night!!) $25M because “culture beats talent” and given him the opportunity to play you twice a year. Would have been nice if Zach Ertz played actual snaps all season. Grade: sad

The Evster: Zach Ertz probably LOVES playing with Marf Franchez. Fifteen catches? That’s insane. Is that how many catches he had? 15? I honestly don’t know. I’m asking you. The game took place like six days ago and I legitimately don’t remember anything that happ’d. Grade: B?

DG: There is no excuse for not having Desean Jackson mic’d during that game. Also…

Grade: Woo Pie Goldbird

Doc Pizza: I’d like to tell DeSean Jackson that he will never win a Super Bowl as long as he lives to make him sad but that honestly wouldn’t matter in the slightest to him. So what I will say is that he will, one day, have the skillset of Riley Cooper, rendering him useless to everyone, including himself. Grade: Pistachio pudding

Offensive Line
ZWR: This Gardner guy is butt. So, so butt. Grade: Butt

Hardingererer: Really inconsistent and ultimately frustrating performance considering they were playing a team with one (1) legitimate healthy pass rusher on the field. Grade: sad

The Evster: We (meaning: my wife and I, who is a legitimate woman AND real) received a holiday card the other day that featured a stupid baby (obvs), a golden retriever (double obvs), and a giant loaf of French bread (that honestly looked fantastic). I would’ve pasted a picture of it here but I obviously made the part about the French bread up. Grade: A forever

DG: Gotta throw the ball to Jason Peters once this year. Just once. A screen. Get him the ball in space with a caravan of blockers. Mass casualties on the field, like a bomb went off. I want to see this so bad it’s giving me palpitations. I would be a terrible football coach. Grade: B

The Evster: LOVE IT, DG.

Doc Pizza: No way to grade how the offensive line played while getting play updates on a 3 in. phone screen. I did go to the Penguins game at Consol Energy Center and, even though they own that building, it was still weird to see Flyers memorabilia all over that place. Grade: Hmm

Defensive Line
ZWR: Like, we rubbed crotches in the Collegeville Diner then ordered eggs benny (pictured above). Grade: Home Fries

Hardingererer: Can you imagine how good these guys would be if we ran a 4-3 considering the team’s 3 best pass rushers in Curry/Graham/Cox all fit much better in that scheme? Grade: sad

DG: I work from home and have been leaving the Christmas music station on all day long for about a week now. The result is that I have developed strong -- ***strong*** -- feelings about a great number of holiday songs. I’m going to give Paul McCartney a piece of my mind about “Wonderful Christmastime.” What an awful landfill of a song. And according to Wikipedia, he makes about $500,000 every year in royalties from it. We should all be ashamed of ourselves.

Hardingererer: Look at Mr. Fancy Pants here getting paid to blog about dumb TV shows from the comfort of his own home while I have to slave in a full suit and tie for $9/hour at Ruth’s Chris steakhouse.

The Evster: Totes disagree regarding “Wonderful Christmastime.” Then again, I’m a #Jew. Grade: C

ZWR: That’s the worst Christmas song ever even a #Jew can tell that.

Doc Pizza: Really glad that Dominic the Donkey song is like the official Christmas song of Philadelphia, really glad the most ridiculous song of all time belongs to our elegant and historic town. Happy about this. Wish the defensive line did more stuff! Grade: Peppermint coffee creamer blows as do all coffee creamers

ZWR: Love what I’m seeing from Marcus Smith, and each week his play validates not addressing the secondary sooner. As a reminder, Smith played quarterback in high school and point guard in 5th grade. He had the longest fingers of anyone in the draft. First chair clarinet. Testing reveals the neurons in his cerebellum as advanced, particularly with respect to simulations replicating the manner in which one processes and responds to verbal cues. Unfortunately, he cannot yet play professional football.

DG: But those fingers! Imagine how good he could be at the piano!

Hardingererer: Trent Cole was hurt and Marcus Smith didn’t play a single snap. But hey, best player available, right? Grade: really sad

The Evster: Hardingngnererenerrer, stop moping around like goddamn Eeyore and attempt to jack your D 12 times in one day like every warm-blooded 19-year-old should. I’d kill for that quick of a refractory period these days. Grade: B

Doc Pizza: Egg nog is really good especially the Pennsylvania Dutch kind any anyone who says anything to the contrary I will ~literally~ fight to the actual death. Grade: *Clark sips the egg nog*

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Fried Pickles
ZWR: Corners looked great. Grade: A

Hardingererer: I will not give this team a dime of my money next year if Bradley Fletcher and Cary Williams are still on the roster in Week 1.

The Evster: I will continue to give this team all of my money because I literally have nothing to live for. Grade: F

DG: Deion Sanders, today, at age 47, could do a better job on the outside than anyone on our roster. You will never convince me otherwise. Grade: Black Falcons jersey and bandana

Doc Pizza: I wonder if I ever said out loud “BRADLEY FLETCHER” deserves to live outside the Linc if I would survive the Broad Street Line home to my apartment my guess is no and that would be completely deserved. Grade: LOVE BRAD FLETCH

Special Teams
ZWR: Somebody go rub Cody Parkey's groin!!! Wait what. Grade: I ain't mad atcha

Hardingererer: Maybe don’t let the season come down to an injured kicker? Maybe sign another guy and make him active instead of Marcus Smith or Jaylen Watkins? He would have played more snaps than both of them combined. Grade: sad

The Evster: I agree with Hardingnernerereerr, maybe if they had signed another guy instead of JAYLEN WATKINS the Eagles would’ve won the Super Bowl™. Grade: A forever


Doc Pizza: Should Of Gone For It. Grade: GO FOR ITTTTT

ZWR: A significant contributor to the excitement over Chip Kelly's hiring was the assumption that he's the type of outside-the-box thinker who would do something unconventional-- like allow a team to score with a minute left rather than let them bleed the clock and kick a short field goal to end the game. Grade: SO SAD

Hardingererer: Still on board with Chip in the long run, but it feels like cutting Desean and paying Riley Cooper and starting Cary Williams and Bradley Fletcher yet purportedly considering yourself a Super Bowl contender in the name of “culture beats talent” reeks of arrogance to me. Also: maybe don’t use your first round pick on a guy you have to essentially non-medically redshirt for an entire season? Just a thought. Grade: aggressively sad

ZWR: Pretty sure after all of this Marcus Smith bashing he’ll put up 23 sacks next year and make us look like the biggest idiots ever. (FYI: That’s the classic move… now I’m covered if he’s good or bad bwhahahaha suck it)

The Evster: Not one end-around to Brad Smith this year where he throws the ball as far as he can and drops it right into a #horse’s mouth. Unacceptable. Grade: F, but also A forever

DG: I picture Chip Kelly looking at QBs like Russell Wilson and Marcus Marioti and after a few seconds of staring they morph into giants hams, like in a cartoon when a character is starving on an island. Grade: HAM

ZWR: Marcus Marioti… can’t get that kind of analysis elsewhere, folks.

Doc Pizza: What if Chip Kelly is just a regular coach who makes regular coach decisions just faster??????? HMMMM???? Has anyone considered this???? Grade: #Basic


  1. The last bit from Doc Pizza is truth.

  2. To paraphrase the Simpsons:

    There's the right way, the wrong way, and the Chip Kelly way!

    Isn't that just the wrong way?

    Yes, but FASTER.

  3. Remember when Troy Vincent said that hit by that bum from the D.C. Racistguys on Foles was legal, but then the officials were all like "wtf Troy, no one thought that was legal, we just weren't paying attention" and Roger Goodell flipped a coin like the guy from No Country For Old Men before deciding who to suspend?
    The point is, Troy Vincent would be an immediate upgrade over everyone in our secondary that we didn't snag from the Saints.


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