Monday, December 29, 2014

Eagles Week 17 Report Card

Welp, that was a season.

ZWR: FRANCHEZ had about 600 yards passing and also should have had like 13 turnovers moral of the story is who cares? Grade: Fuuuuuuuuu

DG: I slept through about 80% of this game because I was up late the night before and getting old is a process that almost literally saps life from your body as you are forced to sit back and watch helplessly. Solid nap, though. Woke up just in time to see one of Sanchez's touchdowns then went back to sleep. Grade: B

The Evster: The whole “Super Bowl or bust” mentality is so stupes. Be happy that for 15 out of 16 weeks, this team provided you with three hours of quality distraction from your clam chowder-filled life. This year, we got to witness half a season of Folesy moonballs and then NINE STRAIGHT WEEKS of Marf Sanchez. I thoroughly enjoyed every second. I also fell asleep during yesterday’s game. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Let me just say that I was off for a week prior to coming back into work today so yesterday was quite possibly the worst day anyone has ever lived ever. I was actually talking to someone I work with in the elevator today – and this is completely serious – who, believe it or not, was smiling – SMILING – as she was talking to me. Like she wasn’t completely devastated by having to return to this craphole of an office to do meaningless work for our miserable clients. I hate her now and everything else in the world. Grade: Someone plz hire me to do something else

Hardingererer: Full disclosure: was playing roller hockey and went to Five Guys and missed the entire first quarter. Also: sometimes I look at the Nick Foles shirsey I bought the day after they won the division last year and sigh loudly. Shoulda started Barkley yesterday. Grade: B

Running Backs
ZWR: I don’t like to play what-if game or use hindsight, it’s not in my nature. Dude, if the frigging Eagles just would have used Chris Polk on one of those goal line plays in San Francisco and from inside the one against Arizona on fourth down they 100% score a touchdown each time and we’re sitting here talking about how great it is to have a bye week heading into the playoffs. Shady is great find a way to keep him I don’t care if you have to trick him by covering the new, restructured contract in glitter. Grade: A++++ Forever

DG: The downside of napping through the game, though, is that now my sleep schedule is a mess. As I type this it is 11:05 on Sunday night and I am wide awake like I have somewhere to be. This means I will likely be exhausted tomorrow in the mid-afternoon again, but now I won't be able to nap because I will be at work editing a dang website. Naps are overrated. I've always said this. Grade: B

Hardingererer: I’ve been screaming that naps are overrated for years now. I took 4 this entire past semester.

ZWR: Eff your sleep schedule I had to sleep in twin bed with a four year old who was having nightmares about a puzzle from midnight to two in the morning. Yes, ABOUT A PUZZLE.

The Evster: Not since Raul Ibanez has a player come to town and made as bonkers an immediate impact as Darren Sproles. That guy is so cute and was straight killin fools all seez. Plus, Shady -- in some inexplicable way -- could be even cuter. It’s not every day you have literally the cutest backfield in the ligg. I wonder what that little kid from Jerry Maguire is up to these days? Probably looks like a #horse. Grade: A forever

ZWR: You’re my favorite person.

Doc Pizza: I actually saw people freaking out when Shady went down with what appeared to be a scratch on his leg in the 4th quarter, calling for Chip’s head to be ripped off for playing him that late in the game. It’s important to note here that, 1) those people are idiots regardless of my next few points, 2) RIP Shady’s Eaglea days let the Chris Polk era begin so who cares, 3) there is no week 18, 4) I wasn’t even drinking yesterday which is BS, and 5) who caresssszzzz again. Grade: SMDH

Hardingererer: As a noted Chris Polk enthusiast I 100% agree with that assessment. Dude is a machine around the goal line. Would love to see a full year of Shady Bounce-Sprolesy-Polk behind a fully healthy offensive line like 2013 because they might collectively rush for like 2300 yards if that happens which would be super dope. Grade: A+ forever

ZWR: Great job by Jordan Matthews… he’s going to be very good. Jeremy Maclin probably won’t fall for the glitter contract thing, but I’d also like him to return if they can make it work. Riley Cooper can go dig a ditch hate him you owe us one the Eagles either cut his dumb face or go back to kelly green it’s one or the other. Random note: I actually think Josh Huff will be a lot better next year; things got a bit off the rails there but he has talent and fire #analysis Grade: B+

DG: Since I slept through the game and have nothing of value to offer, I suppose I'll just take this opportunity to suggest that you all follow former NBA point guard Kenny Anderson on Twitter. What a cigar-loving delight. Shout-out to my love ones, my guy.

The Evster: I’m drafting Odell Beckies #1 overall in fantasy next year. I finished in last place in fantasy this year. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: More than two complete days of our pointless lives we spent this year watching this team go 10-6 and miss the gd playoffs. You know what I could’ve done with those 48-plus hours of my life? Probably spent them watching something else on TV, while also drinking beer but probably not getting as pissed off about the outcome of a sporting event that had no impact on my actual life whatsoever. Jordan Matthews looked good. Grade: Breaking Bad marathon

Hardingererer: I would like to, one more time, remind people that it costs more to cut Riley Cooper next year than it does to keep him on the roster. Hope you’re all ready for another year like this one. If Maclin leaves we are, for all intents and purposes, screwed. Grade: A-
The Evster: I’m drafting Odell Beckies #1 overall in fantasy next year. I finished in last place in fantasy this year. Grade: A forever

Offensive Line
ZWR: I made a turkey and goat cheese sammy before kick-off. If that game mattered, there’s no way I’m doing something that foofy. That said, it was very good. I threw it in the oven and the cheese got nice and gooey. Put some honey mustard on it. Contemplated greens, but decided against it. Bread? Oh yeah, we had some of a french baguette left over from dinner the night before. You see what you’ve reduced me to, the Eagles? Goat cheese, baguette, sober Sunday afternoons. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS GIVE THE BALL TO POLK OUT WEST HE LITERALLY NEVER GETS TACKLED. Grade: B

Hardingererer: Look at this big shot with his goat cheese and his baguettes. Must be nice to have that bolg money. Not sure Lane Johnson is actually good. Grade: B+

DG: Didn't run a screen for Jason Peters despite my specific request. Grade: F-

ZWR: Definitely a missed opportunity.

The Evster: I had a friend in college who used to blow dry his hair. Like, with an actual blow dryer. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Have you seen my hair Evster? This stuff doesn’t just happen on its own. I spend -- at minimum -- 45 minutes every single day making sure it looks fly AF for all the ladies out there walkin’ down Walnut St. near the Lululemon. And by the ladies I of course mean my beautiful girlfriend who I don’t believe even reads this so (Editor’s Note: Dump her) (Writer's Note: She makes a mean egg salad so idk) (Editor’s Note: Oh well in that case keep her) w/e I do it for all the ladies. Jason Petes would be the best dad ever. Grade: 71

Defensive Line
ZWR: I really like Fletcher Cox, Bennie Logan, and Cedric Thornton but really wish they had a fun nickname. Grade: Thinking of a nickname.

Hardingererer: CLT (instead of BLT like a sandwich)? Run-TLC doesn’t really make sense because they’re defensive linemen. Maybe we can work a TLC lyric in there somewhere also? Grade: waterfalls

DG: Our first priority this off-season needs to be upgrading the secondary, but if that fails I still think we should consider acquiring like seven or eight more defensive lineman and maybe running the field goal block play against the other team's offense like I used to do in Madden when I got bored.

The Evster: As someone who was essentially raised by Buddy Ryan there is nothing I love more than a defensive lineman who can smash a guy’s brain. And this year, Fletcher Cox, Bennie Loges and Bison Dele did a pretty good job at smashing. That being said, totes agree with Danger and wouldn’t mind seeing them draft LSU’s entire front 7. Grade: B

Doc Pizza: I agree with everything said above and have never had an original thought in my whole entire dumb life. Grade: N/A

ZWR: Nachos Achos and Casey Matts actually didn’t do a terrible job filling in this year. Myckheal Kendricks can play. It’s a shame DeMeco Ryans is dead. R.I.P. #RollTide. Grade: B+

Hardingererer: Despite his incorrectly spelled first name Mychal Kendricks is a beast. Would be so nice to have an OLB already on the roster in the event that Cole is cut and Graham leaves in free agency... but hey, Marcus Smith got 0 snaps in a legitimately meaningless regular season finale dude is ready for the big show for sure. Grade: Marcus SMHith

DG: I legit feel bad for Marcus Smith. It's not his fault he's underperforming. It's the Eagles fault for using a first-round pick on a mid-to-late-round talent. He seems like a nice kid who is trying his best, and yet the media and people on Twitter have been KILLING him at the end of the season. Not fair. We need to start running the personnel department's names through the street. They're the guilty parties here.

The Evster: My wife just let me know that we’re going to Jazz Fest in New Orleans this year with two other couples. I’m guessing Connor Barwell will be there too. Maybe I’ll get to watch him have sex with my wife? Grade: A forever

ZWR: Nobody I love more than millennials who listen to jazz. They’re not annoying. Make sure you name your next dog “Coltrane” or something you dork.

The Evster: Omg shut up, Zoo. It’s not ALL jazz. In fact, last year, Eric Clappies was there, and Public Enemy, and Arcade Fire, and the Alabama Shakes, and CHRISTINA AGS, and MY MOM’S FAVORITE ARTIST OF ALL TIME, AARON NEVILLE. “I don’t knowwwww much. But I know I love youuuuuuu-oooooo-ooooooo. And THAT may beeeeeee, all there izzzzz to knowwwwwwwwwwww.”

ZWR: Here’s my Evster impression-- “Play Tears in Heaven!!! JAZZZ!!!!!” Wear a John Stockton jersey when you go you dirty hipster.

Doc Pizza: I grew up with a kid who had a dog named “Jazz.” We used to be friends. Then I found out about the dog. I think he still wears his hat sideways to this day. That dog’s name messed him up pretty good. Grade: That jazz song from American Hustle tho

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Potato Wedges
ZWR: The Cardinals beat us on a 75 yard bomb with a minute left on a play where a rookie ran a straight line right by our “good” cornerback and then past the safety who was staring into the backfield anticipating a handoff to set up a 92 yard, game-tying field goal I hate every single one of them except "Boinking" Brandon Boykin and Malcolm Jenkins. Grade: All of the Fs

DG: Adios, basically everyone. Grade: Stink F

The Evster: I felt sad for that new guy who had to cover Odell Beckies yesterday. Grade: A forever (sad for him!)

Doc Pizza: I feel that if the Eagles had better players in the secondary they could, if they were coached correctly, have a better secondary. Now, I’m no general manager or coach, heck I’ve never even held a football before three weeks ago, but I would, if it’s possible, make sure that in 2015 the team has good players – not bad ones like they have now – playing the cornerback position. This is just a thought I had, but please take it with a grain of salt because I know nothing about football. Thank you. Grade: Thanks

Hardingererer: Not a stretch to say that DB play was directly or largely responsible for half the team’s losses this year (Arizona, Dallas, Washington). I don’t want to ever have to root for Bradley Fletcher or Cary Williams again. Grade: F- forever

Special Teams
ZWR: OMG what a great season from the special teams- who came up huge again yesterday! Trey Burton is a find (that play he made in Washington to dive in front of the line drive kickoff like John Smith in Disney’s Pocahontas was ridic) and that Magaros guy is really good for a bald man and James “Night Games James” Casey is a straight beast. Cody Parkey will be here for the next 18 years bangin bangers. Grade: All of the As, thank you guys.


DG: Cody Parkey should open a food truck in the offseason. I have no reason for this declaration beyond the fact that I would like to have a kicker slash gourmet food truck proprietor on the team.

The Evster: Remember that punter the Redskins used to have who liked to lift weights and had really strong arms? YO F*** THAT GUY. Grade: A forever

Hardingererer: UDFA Trey Burton was infinitely more valuable and better for this team than Marcus Smith. Crazy Eyes Fipp covered up for a lot of talent deficiencies elsewhere on the roster this season for a while with the STs. Grade: A+ forever

Doc Pizza: If he really wanted to, Dave Fipp, I believe, could run for the president of these United States and get voted in solely based on the fact that I think it would be cool as hell to have the Eagles special teams coach as the president of the U.S. like he would still be the Birds’ ST coach but also the president and he would look at the North Koreans with those bug eyes and the country would actually just blow itself up. Grade: WOOOOO

ZWR: I still love Chip, and agree theoretically with “culture beats scheme”... except for when you’re starting the worst secondary in football history.

DG: Chip gotta go on a world tour looking for foreign teenagers with live legs and a rocket arm and start coaching them up. We can make it a show. It can air after the one about Cody's food truck.

Hardingererer: Relevant Drake lyric for Chip to listen to and reflect inwardly upon: “Get it while you here boy // Cause all that hype don’t feel the same next year boy”. Culture also does not beat scheme when your culture leads you to keep Riley Cooper over Desean Jackson, start Cary Williams and Bradley Fletcher, and draft Marcus Smith in the first round. Grade: In Chip We Trust (If he finds a real quarterback)

The Evster: I like when it’s 3rd and short and the Eagles rush to the line of scrimmy and then Chip snaps the ball real quick and then we just run it up the middle for a first down. I’ve been waiting 37 years for a coach to do that. I love this man. I also love other men. Grade: A forever

ZWR: Do you love me?

The Evster: Yes but only if you link to my twitter page so I can #get #mo #followerz.

Doc Pizza: Two words: Marcus Mariota on the Ealges babyyyy let’s goooo do ittttt Chipppppp yeahhhhh!!!!! Grade: Get me a real QB


  1. Hardingererer legit up and coming bolger ya dig

  2. Jesus Christ, Hardinger has been he most unreadable part of an otherwise entertaining recurring post this season. You must be related. Read literally any other comments on these and I think you'll see he's about as funny/interesting/insightful/original as a wet fart.

  3. Typing a several sentence comment including an excellent Odell Beckham/Beck's Odelay joke, having weird blogger glitch delete it completely, Grade: Bradley Fletcher trying to cover an NFL wide receiver.


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