Monday, December 1, 2014

Eagles Week Thanksgiving Report Card vs. Cowboys


ZWR: OMG Mark Sanchez was amazing was that real life or a food coma and eleventy beers deep dream? Grade: A

Hardingererer: Mark Sanchez successfully kept the ball on a read-option play for a touchdown (!!) and pump-faked multiple defenders when he was roughly 7 yards past the line of scrimmage on another keeper (!!!) and it actually worked (!!!!!!). Nothing else matters. Grade: A+

In this here picture the Cowboy looks like he's kissing Mark Sanchez's butt

Doc Pizza: Ya boi Marky S looked like a straight up stud all day long, easily besting the man FOX referred to as Mr. November, Tony Romeo. His passes were perfect, his scrambles were spectacular and his dives were divine. Remember that Nick guy I all told you sucked? LMAO! Grade: Sweet potatoes with candied walnuts

The Evster: I don’t remember anything that happened in this game. Grade: A forever

Running Backs
ZWR: I played catch with my wife’s cousin (who is my thanksgiving BFF) for about five minutes on Thanksgiving day and my arm still hurts. I used to be athletic, I swear it. That said, I ate sooooo much. I was the LeSean McCoy of eating leftovers this weekend. Straight pro-bowler. Grade for me: Fat and sore. Grade for the Philadelphia Eagles running backs: A+++++ Forever

Hardingererer: Yeah Shady ran for 159 yards and a TD yadda yadda yadda HE THREW UP THE DEZ BRYANT X IN DALLAS IN THE END ZONE nothing else matters I haven’t seen something that disrespectful since Shawn Kemp posterized Alton Lister’s entire family tree then hit him with a ferocious double finger point before running back down the court. Grade: A+ forever

Doc Pizza: Though I love sports commentators and feel they all do a superb job of describing the play on the field with intellect and clear expertise from years of Playing The Game, I do wonder how many more times we will have to hear if LeSean McCoy is really the same guy as he was last year or last month or last week or last down or last summer or last Friday or whatever. He’s a year older, a year wiser, probably eaten some different foods, maybe watched The Knick on Showtime, perhaps he’s read a new book or two, could’ve watched some Vanderpump Rules on E! yeah, I’d say he’s changed a bit. But haven’t we all? Grade: Garlic-sauteĆ©ed green beans in olive oil

The Evster: Pretty sure Shady had a touchdown and Sproles had like nine touchdowns. Grade: A forever

ZWR: James “Night Games James” Casey was relatively quiet, but that’s not too surprising considering it was a day game and a holiday game, but not a night game. Jeremy Maclin and Jordan Matthews were excellent, as has been the trend. Riley Cooper blocks I guess. Ertzy-pooh and Josh Huff were making a gingerbread house on the sideline. Grade: A

Your new favorite picture

Hardingererer: It would be much jollier of me to discuss Shmoney Shmacin (first career 1,000 yard season!) or Jordan Matthews (rumor has it him and the Sanchize are moving in together) but good lord can we please get Riley Cooper off this team? How is it possible to not be looking at the quarterback/ball when running a crossing route across the field? He’s been disruptive in the locker room (taking shots at Maclin and his well-deserved upcoming contract extension) and on the field (Sanchez looked real mad) without even mentioning his atrocious play this season. Riley Cooper is averaging (rounding up!!) 4 catches for 38 yards per game this season. He has 1 touchdown. Now seems like a poor time to mention that he still has 6,200,000 American dollars of guaranteed money left on his contract after this season. He has now stolen $1,564,705.88 from the Eagles this year. Grade: A for everyone else, F for Riley Coops

Doc Pizza: My guess here is that Riley Coops decided to show up today to honor this day of thanks, which I expect he took the opportunity to thank the Eagles front office for still employing him despite his status as a PoS and an overall terrible football player. Great job getting open on that money play, the corner fade route! Grade: Jellied cranberry sauce

The Evster: Did Brad Smith get concussed in this game or the last one? Kinda really want to see what he could do under center in this offense. Grade: A forever

ZWR: You think he ever asked to be called “Rad Brad”? 

@ibjayhovai Erin is such a hottie

Offensive Line
ZWR: I bet Jason Peters could eat nine turkeys in one sitting and then run a 5K in under 24 minutes. I ran a 5K on Sunday morning (because I’m a good family member) and the guy who won was wearing a race uniform thingy (mesh tank top, nut-huggers) that said “GO VEGAN” across the chest. That dork was looping back for the second half at a full sprint while everyone else was trying their best not to die and we all should have just yelled “GO SCREW” at him or thrown meat at his face I bet his thanksgiving was fun. Grade: A+

Hardingererer: Remember when everyone was saying that Dallas had the best offensive line in the league? Remember when the Eagles offensive line completely and thoroughly outplayed them in their own stadium on Thanksgiving on national television? Good times. Grade: A+

Doc Pizza: I would like to hug Jason Peters and then tell him I love him and then for him to respond, “ hey doc guess what I love you too buddy.” That’s my dream. Grade: Big ol’ slice of juicy turkey

The Evster: Watched the game on a 24” non-HD TV in my mom’s living room with her friends Marion and Dick (combined age: 287). Grade: A forever

Defensive Line
ZWR: You guys, I think this Fletcher Cox fella is good. So are Cedrick the Tackletainer (so awful I’m sorry) and Bennie Loges and that white guy. Grade: A

Hardingererer: We need Zoo to start selling I <3 91="" a="" afternoon.="" all="" and="" be="" behind="" best="" but="" computer="" cox="" demarco="" despite="" donkey="" faces="" funny="" give="" good="" grade:="" had="" heart="" here="" in="" inside="" it="" joke="" league="" line="" murray="" not="" note="" offensive="" ol="" on="" people="" play="" real="" romo="" serious="" shirts="" span="" that="" the="" their="" they="" this="" tony="" want.="" website="" what="" with="" would="" zoo="">

ZWR: Honestly I'm not sure what happened to Hardinger's post above after I pasted it in here, but I'm just gonna leave it like that because it's kinda dope. I think he wrote something about Fletcher Cox?

Doc Pizza: Fletcher Cox man oh man this guy is eatin’ up running backs like it’s the day after Thanksgiving and your mom bought some Texas Toast from the store and is has two turkey stuffing cranberry sauce mayonnaise salt peps sandwiches waiting for you when you get home. I believe this when I say it but I think he’s gonna put Marshawn Lynch on his behind next week and then he gone hit dat whip right in his goddang eyeball. Grade: Stuffing with a boatload of gravy on toppp

The Evster: I legitimately do [EDITOR’S NOTE: SO REDACTED THANK GOD I READ THIS]. Grade: A forever

ZWR: The Cowboys are a bunch of turkeys and our linebackers were stuffing them! Oh ZWR you’re so corny! Shut your piehole. YAMS BISCUITS MASHED POTATOES. Grade: Green Bean Casserole

Hardingererer: Mychal Kendricks is so friggin fast no way he should be allowed to play linebacker also how dope was his celebration after he blew Murray up on 4th down it kind of looked like he was an excited shark or something. Grade: A

Doc Pizza: No sackers from hipster Connor Barwin this week kinda stinks but I really have nothing bad to say about this group at all. Helping hold who some people incorrectly refer to as the best RB in the game in Demarco Murray was a job well done. Nothing spectacular, but solid nonetheless. Grade: Mashed red potatoes

The Evster: I actually do remember the play when Mychyael Kyndrycks made the fourth down stop and Marion went f***ing bonkers and Dick’s heart almost exploded. Grade: A forever

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Turkey
ZWR: Dez - shut the eff down. Tremaine J. Williams - shut the eff down. Joey Galloway - shut the eff down. Miles Austin - shut the eff down. Miley Cyrus - And a Jay-Z song was ooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnn!

Hardingererer: Brandon Boykin seems to really like playing in AT&T Stadium I guess huh? Also if you as an offense allow Nate Allen to record 2 turnovers against you in the same game by law you should have to issue a public apology to your entire fanbase. Grade: (Tony Romo’s broken b)A(ck)

Doc Pizza: After that Dallas drive where Dez more or less ripped apart Bradley Fletcher I thought this was gonna be a shootout type of game and with this secondary I was pretty nervous. But then at some point it seemed the Dallas receives just straight up stopped playing or something???? And the secondary looked up be playing well it seemed??? Idk it was a shockingly good surprise. Grade: Roasted brussels sprouts

The Evster: Imagine if this defense had a secondary that included Deion Sanders, Darrell Green, Ronnie Lott and a hippopotamus. Grade: A forever

ZWR: Swap out the hippo with a construction worker on break and I’m in.

Not cool, Google image search, not cool

Special Teams
ZWR: Don’t want to jinx it.

Hardingererer: Darren Sproles is AVERAGING 14.5 yards per punt return. Since DJacc ran the punt back against the Giants in 2010 did the Eagles even get 15 yards on any punt return until he got here? Even if he didn’t play a single offensive snap this year he’d be worth a 5th round pick for sure. Also according to his Wikipedia page his nickname is “Big Daddy” which is just the most adorable thing ever. Sidebar: Dwayne Harris can go kick rocks. Grade: A

Doc Pizza: Cody Parkey gonna be a Pro Bowler this year maybeeee? Sproles bout to break Eagles special teams records? Kinda disappointed we didn’t get a punt return for a tuddy this week tho I’ve come to expect one each week which really shows how terrible of a person I really am. Grade: Pumpkin pie with homemade whipped cream

Hardingererer: I have met Doc P several times and can confirm he is a truly horrible human being.

ZWR: Must’ve been exciting. Did you guys talk about the time Mike Mauti died and the team wore mullets attached to their helmets in his honor?

The Evster: I don’t understand why punters don’t try for the coffin corner every single time. It’s like, whenever they kick it straight it just piddles into the end zone, or some supersonic fast dude has to catch up to the ball at the goal line and jump into the air Superman-style to try and bat it back into the field of play, only to have it bounce all weird right back over the goal line. I could legitimately write 30,000 words on just this topic alone, but I think it’s clear that I am straight mailing it in this week a la Cliff Clavin. Grade: A forever

ZWR: Our coaches are all good. I’m scared. Grade: A

Ray Didinger Jr. Jr: After all the injuries earlier this year I was kind of starting to cool a little on the whole “Sports Science” thing being a huge competitive advantage for us but after seeing how much fresher we looked than the Cowboys out there I’m much more of a firm believer in its impact. Let’s keep the tempo where it was on those first two romps down the field and do something about that red zone offense against Seattle next week. In Chip We Trust Grade: A+

Doc Pizza: Chip Kelly outcoached Jason Garrett I’m actually blown away by this never expected a bad coach to not do a good enough job to beat a great Eagles team. Chipper better do better than 1/69 in the redzone however. Grade: Beers

The Evster: Duce Staley’s gotta be pushing 400 bills, right? Dude is P-L-U-M-P. Grade: A forever


  1. i need to see the un-redacted versions of these bolg posts

    1. This police state type rule will not be tolerated! ZWR is the thought police!

  2. Riley Cooper is the only Eagles player my wife knows, because when he scores or catches a football I shout "raaaaaaaaaaaaacist Riley Cooper!" She also kinda knows who Dawkins is, because we have a friend who named his dog Dawkins (although he really missed out on a slightly better name: Dogkins, or Dawgkins).

  3. Verizon and Comcast were having some kinda fight, so the game wasn't on at my Uncle's house (but he did have prosciutto wrapped pickled mushrooms as APPETIZERS), so we had to watch the game on my brother's phone because he is a selected verizon customer like JJ Watt is always talking about. I had forgotten until "the evster" was whining like Bruce Arians about his 24 inch screen. Anyway, we could mostly tell what was going on, but it was hard to tell players apart so we'd be saying "Was that Nate Allen or Malcolm Jenkins or Quentin Demps or what?" But you could always tell which one was Sproles, because he is so tiny.


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