Friday, January 31, 2014

Matt Stairs MUST Replace Wheels


Lock it down. Game over. Done.




Thursday, January 30, 2014

When I Say Hustle, You Say ...


I've been having a lot of fun with movie posters lately, and I swear it has nothing to do with the fact that my neighbor may or may not have given me a thumb drive with all of the recent awards winners/noms on it. As such...


_____________________________________________________________________

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Jayson Werth's Beard Scares Baby


By way of our good Twitter friend (and former family) Jayson Werth's Beard-- via this guy Ryan-- an utterly amazing picture.

Embedded image permalink
omg yesplz


FEELING SENTIMENTAL BONUS GIF


BACHCAP WEEK 4: Bazooka Mom Jamming Out to Like a Prayer Edition


Hey there kids. Evan, Sara, and I basically owned it again this week so get to reading. 

What was your funniest moment of the ep?
ZWR: I’ve gotta give it to Crazy Clare: “Korea? I don’t even own a kimono!!!” Think about that for a second. Even if she did have a kimono, would she have packed it for the mansion? Well, I guess you never know considering she did bring a DVD of her dead dad with her.

OH WAIT I just remembered the part where Camilla told JUANPABS that she had a wedgie and that was pretty hilarious too.

Evster: I gotta be honest, I think the Dog Lover lady is legitimately funny. I couldn’t tell you one funny thing she actually said or did tonight, but I still love her -- mostly because she seems to be on horse tranquilizers.

ZWR: Concur. She’s making a legit push up the charts.


Monday, January 27, 2014

Animated GIF: Taylor Swift Vibing to Kendrick


You should probably just leave this browser window open all day in the background.






Sunday, January 26, 2014

Relevant Richard Sherman Information


All of you squarejobs need to shut it he's the best ever look at this:

This guy gets it. (Photo source)

Friday, January 24, 2014

About That Time Chipper Jones Almost Burnt Down Roswell, Georgia



So I think this actually happened a day or two ago, but I found this image from Chipper Jones' Twitter account on Reddit this morning and figured I owed it to you to bring it to your attention. Apparently Chipper Jones, like most Barves, is a real simpleton and almost set the entire county surrounding his billionty dollar mega-mansion on fire, then lol'd about it:

Lol omg so funny u guys check this out haha half an acre in damage lulz

So naturally, this needed to happen:

HAHAHA SMOKEY LOOK WE ALMOST KILLED THOSE WOODLAND CREATURES LMFAO

Braves fans are hardly phased by the news, though, because they are already used to taxpayer-funded solutions (BIGGEST BURN IN THIS WHOLE POST!) to their team's unnecessary problems.

Ahh, that felt good. Chipper Jones is so dumb.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Compelling New Film Garners Critical Acclaim


A lonely general manager develops an unlikely relationship with the newly acquired players that are designed to meet his every need.


Wednesday, January 22, 2014

HLHIII Will Help In Clearwooder


As reported by Enrico Cannelloni over at The 700 Level, our hero and bolg muse will be on hand to help out the team as a guest instructor. Others invited include some guys who aren't Roy Halladay. Good luck keeping your face taped on, Jesse Biddle.

Oh my God I miss you so much

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

BREAKING ZWR EXCLUSIVE: Phils Sign Bobby Abreu


As first reported by ZWR, your exclusive source for breaking Phillies news.

BACHCAP JUANPABS Week 3 Mega Boom-Boom Boom Booms


Hi everyone. It's snowing outside so you should probably curl up under a blanket with a cup of hot cocoa and read this jawn because Sara, Evan, and I worked diligently on it. Before we get into it, though, an official statement on a controversial topic.

SARACIRCS: So the dude who runs this website, I forget his name, requested that “as a minority,” I write something regarding Juan Pablo’s dumb statements about gays. As a straight white woman, I’m not sure I count as a minority (Editor’s note: you’re a woman!) (Woman’s note: aren’t there technically more women than men?); also I have essentially no idea what it’s like to be gay or how I would feel hearing Juan Pablo’s comments if I were gay. However, if you must know, my basic response to this was: I am shocked -- SHOCKED! -- that The Bachelor, who was chosen by a national television network (which still apparently runs America’s Funniest Home Videos) to represent some sort of masculine ideal, turned out to be ignorant and buffoon-esque!!!!!!!!!!!! Can’t believe it!! Can! Not! Be! Lieve! It! Okay can I go now?

Okay, now onto the categories.

Girl who most embodies Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s view of a unified America

The Evster: The girl with the mega-boom-boom boom booms. Wowzers, have you ever seen boom booms like hers? Me neither. And I’ve seen a lot of boom booms. (Seriously, I’ve seen like 4 or 5 of ‘em.)

Hey girl

Monday, January 20, 2014

BREAKING ZWR EXCLUSIVE: Crabtree Responds to Richard #Sherman



Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The #Woof of Broad Street



"A 'small market' general manager refuses to cooperate in a large felony fraud case that includes Camden Rivershark infiltration into his ineptly run yet somehow incredibly valuable franchise."




ZWR and Evan's Sports Annals Present the Official Ranking of the Best Athlete Ever Named Tra Originally But Then William Later On in Philadelphia History


Past installments in this series can be found here, here, and here

There have been many offensive lineman on the Eagles. Many of them were drafted in the first round. Many were large and played in the ACC. But only one was originally named Tra but then later switched it to William and then finally settled on Tra again.


ZWR NBA Insider Jacob Checks In


The NBA is back (has been for awhile now), and that means your official ZWR NBA Insider is back, too (probably should have been for awhile now). Before diving too deep into the real story of this season, let’s get you caught up on what has already happened:
  • LeBron is still very good
  • The Spurs are still very good
  • Kobe and DRose both died when their planes crashed into each other midair (RIP).
  • JR Smith keeps trying to untie people’s shoes
Okay that is pretty much the season in a nutshell, so let’s get to the good stuff.


Tuesday, January 14, 2014

BACHCAP Week Two!!!


Hey there kids! Evan, Sara, and I are back for more frivolity and I must say this week's categories really are the best ever I can hardly believe it. ENJOY. 

Best bowler
The Evster: I’d say the black chick. Black people love to bowl. That’s a fact. That’s just a medical fact.

ZWR: How is that a medical fact? Sounds more “socio-medical” to me. I’m going with the Elise from Forty Fort, PA. That sounds like a town that likes to bowl! Lots of pickup trucks in the parking lot and smoking inside and coal in the skill cranes!


Saturday, January 11, 2014

ALL ZWR SHIRTS 20% OFF! USE CODE 'MONEY20'




PUBLIC NOTICE
From now until January 14, all shirts are 20% off using the code "MONEY20" at checkout. I don't know who thinks up these discount codes, but they seem like really cool people. Also, this is like the biggest discount Spreadshirt will ever give so if you ever were considering buying something from me and supporting the independent bolgers of America, NOW is the time.

As such, I declare it your official duty this weekend to click here and load up. If you missed that last link, here it is again:

Code: MONEY20 at checkout

"What did you get, Becky? I got the 'We're from Philly and we fight' in the slim-fitting American apparel. You know, to show off my new physique for the new year." "Wow, great choice, Jenny! I bought a So Cuttered--because it's Soooo Classic!" "HAHAHA" "AHEHEHE"

As always, thanks, love you.

Don't forget the code: 'MONEY20'


NOTE:shirt pictured no longer available, regrettably*






*Clapt the clap up by the fuzz

Friday, January 10, 2014

Basically the Best Opening Paragraph Ever


From this Inquirer article.

The rich got richer last week and the poor/middle-income people who buy the tickets sure would like to know what the rich plan to do with all that money. 

Wait what? There's so much going on here. First, I guess I hate when the rich get richer? But, I mean, that's kind of what businesses do. Do we want the Phillies to have fewer resources? I don't. Anyway, then we get to the income gap. Just, ummm, the income gap between individuals/consumers and ... a major league baseball team? If you're making the conscious decision to purchase baseball tickets, you're doing so for a host of reasons (a night out, entertaining others, you simply like the game)-- and it's actually one of the more informed purchases you can make what with the proliferation of media, analysis, and bolgs out there. As to fans- let's take the ticket buyers part out of this for a second- wanting to know what they're going to do: COME ON, BOB. No team in professional sports, any sport, tips its hand at upcoming moves. Even to poor and middle-income people.

What's going to happen to the Phillies payroll now that they have won baseball's version of Powerball on Steroids, which also goes by the name mega-billion-dollar deal with local regional sports network?

If a lottery was on steroids, wouldn't it just make all of the balls and the giant plastic bubble that the balls are in bigger? Wouldn't that be hilarious, what with normal size people drawing and announcing them? They'd be as big as boulders! The payout wouldn't be on steroids, the lottery itself is. Would the tickets be bigger, too? Imagine people leaving grocery stores with lottery tickets the size of PGA Tour checks! That would be amazing.  Why is the word "Steroids" capitalized? Is it also on steroids?

Ok bye.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

JAMES FRANKLIN SURFING INTO BEAVER STADIUM ON GRILLED STICKIES



UPDATE TO THE UPDATE:




WE DID IT!! UPDATED:



In the spirit of tradition, I present to you the artist's rendition of Vanderbilt's James Franklin surfing into Penn State's Beaver Stadium on grilled sticky buns, carrying the Nittany Lion on his ample, inspirational shoulders:

Click to embiggen and set as desktop wallpaper

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

BACHCAP: Juan Pabs Premiere Ep


Hi everyone, get pumped because (cue Technotronic's Pump Up the Jam, let it linger a bit longer than seems normal, dance nonetheless the whole time) … BACHCAPS are back!!! Evan and I couldn’t be more excited about this season for a host of reasons, but the two primary ones are: Juan Pabs (obvs) and the addition of Sara Circs (aka @saracircle aka “Bazooka Mom”) to the BACHCAP team. It’s about time we got some female perspective into these finely crafted pieces, what with the Bach being a show that preys on fascination with dramatically spectacular romance (for the ladies), a weakness for looking at boobies (for the men), and a love of watching train wrecks fall from cliffs and land in fiery balls of wreckage smack dab on top of fireworks factories (for everyone). Help us navigate these waters, Sara. Tell us how dumb we are. We need this.

BAZOOKA MOM!!!

This week’s categories for the premier basically rule the school so enjoy, kids.

Greg Gross and Rich Dubee Discuss the Cold (Again)


For those of you who love weather discussions and/or enjoyed this or this or this.

"Can you believe this, GG?"

"Nope."

"Can't remember anything like it."

Monday, January 6, 2014

Eagles Playoff Week 1 Report Card : (


Quarterback
ZWR: Before I start, let’s just get this out of the way: I’m not going to make sense. I’m angry and sad and couldn’t even fall asleep Saturday night so don’t bother being all, “Well actually ZWR you can’t confidently state that because the fallacy of perceived outcome is a logic pitfall also the DVOAO rankings actually suggest that ____ is good at ____” go screw with that stuff I get it you read Freakonomics and like Bill Barnwell WHATEVS. Onto my expert #analysis

That sack. THAT SACK. Oh my god, Nickypooh, why on earth did you take that sack? Grade: HOW THE F@#& DO YOU TAKE THAT SACK WHY?

Photo: The Advocate


Saturday, January 4, 2014

WARNING: BEWARE OF SAINTS FANS TONIGHT!!!


Nola.com writer Jeff Duncan wrote this postseason's version of the same hackneyed "Oh those Philly fans!" column, adding to the standard Santa/Michael Irvin/booing fare anecdotes like "the time I saw an old lady give the middle finger while flipping bratwurst" (note: that woman is a HERO). Now he's onto the predictable Twitter trolling.




Friday, January 3, 2014

Eagles vs Saints Playoff Preview


With the NFL playoffs upon us, the ZWR Report Card crew is so swept up in the drama and excitement that we decided to ratchet up the #analysis with an Eagles v. Saints preview. Below you’ll find some of the keys to Saturday evening’s game, our take on crucial matchups and schematics, and more of the tell-tale brilliance that makes us the best in the business.

Matchup You’re Looking Forward To
ZWR: Kurt Coleman vs. everyone (and their shoes). Can you imagine him trying to catch and/or tackle Darren Sproles? OMG yesplease. “But ZWR that’s not funny we need to D it the up it’s the playoffs!!!” Chill bro we’re going to score 87 Chip’s got this.

Danger Guerrero: LeSean McCoy versus the laws of physics. It's been a tough year for the laws of physics, what with McCoy running roughshod over them week-in, week-out. Some think maybe they're due for a bounce-back performance where they limit McCoy to only motions and movements that can be explained by theories that are commonly accepted by upstanding members of the scientific community. This analyst disagrees.



Thursday, January 2, 2014

BREAKING ZWR EXCLUSIVE: Update in #PSU Coaching Search #PennState #WeAre


ZWR sources in Happy Valley have uncovered a new leading candidate in the Penn State football head coaching search. Hint, it's NOT James Franklin, Greg Schiano, or Al Golden.


"HACKENBERG- GET OVER HERE!!!" (Click for even more glorious large-scale Grudoggness)

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