Wednesday, April 30, 2014

A Super Patriotic Flyers-Rangers Game 7 Pump-Up Video



Nailed it.
GIF FORM:



Courtesy of @sportadelphia and @phillyphilms, I want you all to watch this right now in its entirety:

Flyers v. Rangers Game 6 Recap


Embedded image permalink
CHOO CHOO

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Photo from Brian J. Haddad

Thanks Pete Blackburn!


4/29/14 vs. Mets - One Sentence Recap



"Wayne Simmonds had a hat trick and Steve Mason was basically Jesus With a Glove Hand and tonight is GAME SEVEN."

Also the Phillies lost to the Mets

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

ADAM SILVER PRESS CONFERENCE SUMMARY



 

 










Flyers v. Rangers Game 6 Preview - The World's Most Deadliestest Animals



Picked up this hard-to-believe infographic from our old pal Bill Gates on the Twitter:

zomg

Martin St. Louis Confirmed as Soulless, Evil Ghoul



WARNING MAJOR GAME OF THRONES SPOILERS IN THIS POST TURN BACK NOW OR YOUR LIFE WILL BE RUINED FOREVERRRRRRRRR

Ugh, so despicable


FLYERS PUMP UP VIDEOS (includes some profanity sorry)


Let's do this thing boys.




Monday, April 28, 2014

Adam Schefter: NOT Racist


Lock it down, kids, in case there was any doubt. Adam Schefter has officially declared himself as not a racist. Also: Would take a picture with one of the greatest and most popular players in NBA history. Also: Would associate with a bazillionaire. Also: Definitely doesn't hate people with HIV.

Bold, brave stuff. Kudos, Adam!


4/25/2014 - 4/27/2014 vs. #GODBACKS - One Sentence Weekend Series Recap



"The Phillies owned it to close out a successful West Coast trip also AJ Burnett never gives up runs which is good."

A.J. Burnett Philadelphia Phillies
Great Number

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Roy Halladay Got His Pilot's License Before You Even Woke Up


Further proof: Best ever.


UPDATE: Adding Baloo from Talespin because why not?


Friday, April 25, 2014

The Astonishing Truth of Marlon Byrd's Arm Tattoo Revealed




I'm sure by now you've noticed that slugger Marlon Byrd has a massive amount of text tatted on his rather prominent, (formerly!!!) roided up right forearm.

Like most of you, I've been curious about what these words said. There's just so much text there. What is it? What does it all mean? Until now I had just assumed it was some type of cliche bible passage (though the bible actually forbids such things), or maybe a poem he wrote for his wife/child/girlfriend/Tinder friend, or perhaps even a lost loved one. Who knew, maybe it was a portion of a Teddy Roosevelt speech.

Well, for the first time ever on the entire Internet, I'm proud to reveal  that your pal ZWR has cracked the code.






Be prepared, because what you're about to see may shock you:






4/24/2014 vs Dodgers - One Sentence Recap



"CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH." 

Getty Images

Thursday, April 24, 2014

NY Times Reveals Shockingly Honest Baseball Maps



If you get a chance today, you should really check out the NY Times'* interactive maps of baseball fandom. As always, they do great work and you can spend hours of your work day zooming in and out and learning stuff.

However, if you don't have that kind of time, I've taken the liberty of including the some of the most important maps in these here bolg post:

Wil Nieves is on Tinder


Notable Twitter personality Elika ("Steak N Stiffarms") Sadeghi kindly pointed out for us all last night that Wil Nieves has a Tinder account.


Wednesday, April 23, 2014

WELCOME BACK, COLE!!!



Yesplz COLE HAMELS is back I hope this gif doesn't induce a seizure or anything.


Bonus because I'm so dumb:



4/22/2014 vs. Dodgers - One Sentence Recap



"The Phillies beat the Dodgers again because they're pretty much the best ever also Cole Hamels comes back tonight so that rules."

Phils pic web
USA Today Sports

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

4/21/2014 vs. Dodgers - One Sentence Recap



"Cliff Lee was high fiving fans and shutting out Dodgers and whatever; also - CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH!"

Getty Images

Friday, April 18, 2014

Ruben Amaro Jr. Plays the $150,000,000 Pyramid (Yet Again!)



 
Well it seems we have a bit of a dynasty here folks; Ruben and Markie are in the Winner's Circle yet again!


Feels great, Dick. We're gonna do it this time!


You guys have been here enough to know the rules so how about we get right to it. Ruben, third time's a charm, right buddy?


I get better each time you give me another shot!!!


That's what I like to hear!!! Miss Post is giving the clues. On your Markies, get set, and gooooo...

True Fan, by @FanSince09




Ocks,

Friend of the bolg @FanSince09 put together the following video, which I think is pretty clever, but may only make sense to you if:
  1. You're familiar with FS09's schtick (seriously what's up with these anonymous Twitter personalities and their crazy gimmicks?!)
  2. You recently watched HBO's True Detective  
  3. You meet at least one of the above two conditions, AND you're down with the insanity that is @FightScammies on Twitter 
Okay that sounds confusing, I know. But even if you have no idea what's going on in this professionally produced masterpiece, at least stick around for the cameo from a certain bolg proprietor who may or may not be trying to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay...




4/17/2014 vs. Barves - One Sentence Recap



"The Phils totally dominated the Braves 1-0 to take one of three this series!"

AP Photo

Thursday, April 17, 2014

The First Time Rick Nash Met Martin St. Louis


I'm in playoff form, baby!!!


ZWR NBA Insider @ohholybutt's Playoff Preview


ZWR NBA Insider Jacob is back to provide a peek into the key matchups and storylines of the 2014 postseason. Enjoy!

It’s that time of year again, boys and girls. That’s right, the NBA season begins this week! After a long offseason, the playoff draw was held last night and hooooooo boy do we have some exciting match-ups heading our way.

EASTERN CONFERENCE
1 Indiana Pacers vs. 8 Atlanta Hawks
2 Miami Heat vs. 7 Charlotte Bobcats
3 Toronto Raptors vs. 6 Brooklyn Nets
4 Chicago Bulls vs. 5 Washington Wizards

WESTERN CONFERENCE
1 San Antonio Spurs vs. 8 Dallas Mavericks
2 Oklahoma City Thunder vs. 7 Memphis Grizzlies
3 Los Angeles Clippers vs. 6 Golden State Warriors
4 Houston Rockets vs. 5 Portland Trail Blazers

We’ll start by breaking down the match-ups in the East which is basically the Island of Misfit Toys but with sh*ttier basketball players.

The Pacers take on the Hawks in what will surely be just an awful battle between two teams that no one cares about. Pacers take this one in five. One interesting tidbit about this one is Hawks point guard Jeff Teague is actually from Indianapolis and is also the ugliest dude to ever play basketball in the history of time.


His face is crooked

Heat play the Bobcats and if Cody Zeller even plays halfway decent I’ll be super pissed because his postseason career at IU was littered with scenes of him taking a dump in the paint and then slipping in it. Heat sweep.

Raptors-Nets will be exciting because I’m always interested to see what happens when we let Canadians into our country. I think once they stop staring at all the bright lights (and once the subsequent retinal damage goes away) the Raptors will pull this one out in six. I also think we should be treated to a Drake-Jay Z rap battle. Drake would be rooting for Jay Z if Jay Z wins.

Finally we have the Bulls against the Wizards. This one is not even fair because Wizards literally have magical powers (Editor's Note: That line straight cracked me up). I can’t imagine them losing a single game unless they just forget about their ability to turn the Bulls shoes into roller skates and drown them in a pit of lava. Wizards sweep.


Moving to the West, the Spurs play the Mavericks in the O L D E S T P L A Y O F F S E R I E S OF A L L T I M E. The players on these two teams have an average age of 68. It’s going to be like Oregon Trail and whoever hasn’t died of dysentery by the end will be declared the victor. My prediction? Spurs win but Tim Duncan is the only survivor because that man is going to live forever. Won’t be surprised to find out he’s Jesus.

Thunder take on the Grizzlies and I’m calling for an upset here: Z-Bo will not physically eat anyone on the Thunder team. I know that’s not the “conventional wisdom” but I just don’t see him doing it. Thunder sweep.

Clippers-Warriors could have been an exciting match-up but the death of Andrew Bogut has turned this into a more somber affair. Hate to see players like that cut down in their prime. RIP Andrew Bogut. My prediction here is it doesn’t matter life is fleeting and meaningless.

Last and arguably least we have the Rockets playing somebody. Neither of these teams is going to win it all and I’m still sad about Andrew Bogut even though he was kind of a dick.

I’m tired of writing this so I’m just going to kind of end it. Enjoy the next seven weeks which comprise the first round of the playoffs. I think the Wizards will win it all with their magical powers. Congrats to the Sixers on a successful tankathon.

YESPLZ

Postscript
DWade becomes lamer every year.

4/16/2014 vs. Barves - One Sentence Recap



"Oh hey cool Cliff Lee threw a complete game and gave up one run ... and lost."

Matt Slocum/AP

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

A Thorough New York Rangers Scouting Report


Hey there, kids. It's NHL playoff  time once again (plus the Flyers actually made it), and you know what that means -- the return or Zoo With Roy's thorough scouting reports. Joining me today is the legendary Cranekicker, who was kind enough to help with preparing the following analytic take on the blueshirts. He's the Hexy to my Homer... or something like that.

Also, here's a picture of the Legion of Doom just because. 


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

4/14/2014 vs. Barves - One Sentence Recap



"The ending was pretty infuriating, but you have to admit that was one exciting game."
"HELP! MY SHIRT IS SO TIGHT I CAN'T LOWER MY ARMS!!! (USA Today Photo)

Monday, April 14, 2014

James Calvin Rollins Swag-O-Meter Update



He did hit a walk-off the other night, you know.



Updated to include this gif of J-Roll telling a heckler to eat a butt

Courtesy of Crashburn Alley (I didn't actually ask him or anything but he loves me so whatevs)



4/11/2014 - 4/13/2014 vs. Marlins - One Sentence Weekend Series Recap



"The Phillies swept the Marlins this weekend, because WE RULE!"


Friday, April 11, 2014

4/10/2014 vs. Brewers - One Sentence Recap



"The Milwaukee Brewers concluded a grueling three-day round of batting practice, totalling approximately 47 extra base hits during the series sweep of your Philadelphia Philllies."

Brewers be like

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Ben Revere: Hero


Oh thank goodness.


4/9/2014 vs. Brewers - One Sentence Recap



"Ryan Howard, seen here not making a critical late-game error, made a critical late-game error that allowed the go-ahead runs to score in a 9-4 loss to the unbeatable Brewers of Milwaukee."

Philly.com

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Going Inside the Hidden Imagery in RGIII's New Logo


In case you missed it, RGIII unveiled his new Adidas-created logo earlier this week (yes, quarterbacks of 3-13 teams get their own logos). On the surface it's not too bad, but readers of this bolg are wise enough to understand that nothing ever exists solely as it seems on the surface. With that, a deeper dive into RGIII's  mark.


4/8/2014 vs. Brewers - One Sentence (Home Opener) Recap



"At lease nobody died."

Perfect form! (AP Photo)

Bonus funny for the nine of you who aren't on Twitter:

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

4/4/2014 - 4/6/2014 vs. Cubs - One Sentence Weekend Series Recap


(Editor's Note: I can't promise I'll do every weekend game because I'm so busy partying with rappers and models so we're just going to hedge now and do these jawns as series recaps)

"I'm not unhappy with what I'm seeing, you guys."

Chris Sweda / Chicago Tribune

Monday, April 7, 2014

@kunk7's New Phils Primer


Hey there, kids. Despite how good of a fan you may be, odds are you're not totally up to speed on every player on this Phils roster. Don't sweat it-- I'm not either! Luckily for us, Kunk is here to help out. "Wait who is Kunk what kind of name is that why should I care what he says?" Trust me, donkey. He lives in Northern Virginia and tips me off on beer releases and has an absolute barrel of a chest and frankly looks like a guy who doesn't need Twitter validation. Besides, it's Monday and miserable outside and we all know you're not doing any work right now. ENJOY!

If you’re at all like you me, you spend every extra minute you have wasting time on Twitter. And hey, Twitter’s great, it’s really great, but it’s not like I learn anything there. For every newsworthy tweet I see, I read 100 tweets with song lyric parodies or acrostics that spell out #Benghazi. So why does this relate at all to the new faces on the Phils 2014 roster? Because, Essentially, Nobody’s Gonna Have A Zipping Idea who any of these guys are if you waste all your time on Twitter! So I did the tough research for you! Let’s meet the team:


No seriously, Twitter is pretty great

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