Friday, June 27, 2014

SIXERS DRAFT RECAP (W/ GRADES)


Pick 3: Joel Embiid, Kansas


Grade: YESPLZ A++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++(^infinity)

Thursday, June 26, 2014

"Mr. Dempsey, kick down this wall." #USA #GER



NBD, just Clint Dempsey ending the Cold War with a vicious half-bicycle kick



CLINT AIN'T CARE ABOUT SOME FLOODING:



WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


ZWR, Evan, and Jacob's NBA Draft Preview-ish Thing


Hey there kids, it’s almost draft day! If you’re a Sixers fan, you’ve been waiting for his moment for the last year… so it’s kind of a big deal. Lucky for you us three basketball GENIUSES are going to break down the top prospects and provide the type of analysis you’ll only find right here on the world’s foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Phillies legend and future first ballot Hall of Famer Roy Halladay.



Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Sixers New Logo Hints At Something, No?



And yes, I'm good at this...

Let's Do This Thing, Bron

Shall we do the math on this...?


YOU'RE WELCOME, PHILLY




Wednesday, June 18, 2014

ZWR Gets a Shout Out on Fox Sports Live, Makes Andy Roddick Pee His Pants



New best friend of the bolg Mike Garafolo took to the airwaves last night during PRIME TIME (midnight eastern) on Fox Sports Live to give your boy a shout out for this brilliant Clint Dempsey photoshop I made the other day.

Oh what's up girl
Only--just like most ZWR national TV appearances--things didn't quite turn out as expected. Watch (video here if it's not embedded below):


SMDH...live TV, y'know?

BUT-- ZWR Sources have in fact confirmed that Andy Roddick did pee his pants on LIVE NATIONAL TELEVISION, which is pretty cool:


Sheriff K. Rodney Kendrick is Back, Guided by the Big Thunder



Well well well. What have we got here? A Brave?

/spits on floor

We’ll see about that.



Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Roy Halladay is Better Than You at Airplanes, YouTube



Roy Halladay is the absolute best-- most humans accept this as immutable fact. With that acknowledged, his Twitter feed over the course of this past weekend took on a bit of a (and I mean this lovingly) performance art quality. 

Our muse and current #1 private aircraft pilot in the world wanted desperately to share with his fans a video he'd taken of one of his flights, but kept running into issues because he couldn't figure out how to make the video public from his iPad (WTF Apple/Google?!)


US v. Ghana Had Me All


The Dempsey goal had me all


But then that Ghana goal had me all


And then John Brooks Jr's goal had me... well.. all


Finally, us wrapping it up in stoppage time had me all


Monday, June 16, 2014

USA WORLD CUP PRE-GAME PHOTOSHOP JAMBOREE



Man, if there's one thing I love, it's soccer.

Actually, that's totally untrue. But if there are two--no, make that three--things I actually love, they'd be ridiculous Photoshops, terrible puns and overly zealous nationalistic pride!

With this in mind, please consider the following:

WE'RE GHANA NEED A BIGGER BOAT






U-S-A! U-S-A!

HERE'S CLINT DEMPSEY RIDING A BALD EAGLE INTO BATTLE #USMNT



WHO'S PUMPED FOR SOME SOCCER WOOOOO


Okay so this is a thing I do now, okay? 

URGENT Opportunity for National Glory, Victory and Honor of Ghana




Dear Sirs, 

Permit me to inform you my interest in relationship professional with your organization. But first, I shall introduce myself. I am the royal prince Zoo With Roy, of the country America in the United States. I have significant wealth and power through the connections I have established as the premier of the world wide web site zoowithroy.com, which is foremost of bolgs wishing to go to the zoo with supreme king global Roy Halladay. Greetings indeed. 

In the matter of your match today at the 2014 FIFA World Cup, I have the ability to guarantee your victory over the United States. In my possession at this moment is legal documentation of accounts that will allow me to transfer to you a small portion of the earnings from my self-made digitally printed fashion empire in the amount of $34,000,000,034.34.

I am honourably seeking your assistance in transfer of the funds in the following ways: 
  1. To provide a Bank account credentials where this money would be transferred to, in addition to other financial, legal or civic documents proving your Ghanaian citizenship and as are required for legal wire transfer outside the borders of your Republic.
  2. To serve as the guardian of this fortune since I am a girl of 26 years. 
Upon receipt of funds you will be able to secure the favor of FIFA match officials to ensure glory for the Republic of Ghana. Significant study of the organization contends much funds will be remaining, to which you will have unto yourself. 

If my offer is of no appeal to you, delete this message and forget I ever contacted you. Do not destroy my online career because you do not approve of my proposal. You may not know this but people like myself who have made tidy sums out of comparable situations run the whole private banking sector, in addition to many hamburger establishments acquired via litigation

Anticipating to hear from you soon. 
Thank you and may God Bless. 
Warmest regards. 



PLEASE FOR PRIVATE AND SECURITY REASONS,REPLY ME VIA EMAIL: zoo99i99roy344with@hotmail.com.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

ZWR's Definitive World Cup Preview (The Groups)


Hey there kids, are you ready for the World Cup? I sure am! As someone who only sees soccer/futbol on the televisions at the Whole Foods sports bar on Saturday mornings while my dumb kids spill syrup all over themselves (plus here and there during the World Cups) I'm pretty much an expert, and I'm going to use that expertise to run you through the groups taking the pitch (boom!) in Brazil.

Let's do this thing!

Srsly denim?

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Sixers Pick Practice Location - WAIT WHAT


My colleague in professional journalism Keith Pompey Instant-Grammed a photo this morning that detailed where the Sixers will be building their palatial new practice facility. You can see it here:

Source

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

I LOVE Charlie Manuel


He's the absolute best and I wish he were still our manager (and I say that with no offense intended to Ryne Sandberg) and I'll always love him check this out.


CRYIN HAWAIIAN YES PLZ



Saturday, June 7, 2014

Friday, June 6, 2014

Phils First and Second Round Draft Review


The first two rounds of the MLB Amateur First Year Players from America Only Some of Whom Were Already Drafted but Went to College Anyway Draft took place last night, and our heroes selected a couple of pitchers. Let's check them out!

Embedded image permalink
Photo Credit: Crane Kicker

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Phils Unleash New Weapon


ZWR enthusiast Bert Macklin, F.B.I. sent along this photo from today's debacle against the Natinals. Despite his being the newest member of the team, Unknown is definitely my favorite option out of the bullpen already.


ZWR NBA Insider Jacob's Thoughts on the Finals


ZWR NBA Insider Jacob is back with his thoughts, and we're all the better for it. Enjoy.

TEN STATS, FACTS, AND PREDICTIONS FOR THE NBA FINALS

1. Each pair of Tim Duncan’s pants costs a total of $478 to make, with most of that money going toward material (this includes labor costs related to chopping down an entire denim tree) and a small portion being dedicated to making them look worn/acid washed/stolen from an old fat dude.


A Comprehensive, No-Frills Phillies MLB Draft Scouting Report



In nomine patrie,et fili et spiritu sancti.
 
I sat down with my team of scouts and analysts once again earlier this week to review some names for potential picks at number seven for our heros. As someone has seen zero combined minutes of play from any of the prospects eligible to be selected in the first round of the 2014 draft, I feel confident that the analysis you're about to read is as thorough and prognostic as anything else you'll read today.

Nick Gordon
Gordon is by far my strongest preference, but there’s little chance he’ll be available when the Phils pick because the teams ahead of us stink so bad and need good players. If somehow he lasts to number seven, team architect Ruben Amaro Jr would be wise to jump on him in a Flash (ha, get it?). I don’t see much risk of overlap with last year’s top pick J.P. Crawford. In my dream scenario one shifts to second base and the franchise has a bedrock pairing at 2B and SS on which to build a competitor for a decade or so. Sound familiar? 



Aaron Nola
Nola is the name you’ll see linked to the Phillies, as the prevailing narrative is now, “holy crap the Phillies stink at drafting players maybe they should just play it safe this time?” Hard to argue with that, Harry! Is this guy a pitcher? I think he’s a pitcher. I’m also just assuming that, if it isn’t already his nickname, we’ll soon exclusively refer to him as The Big Easy on Twitter and Tumblr. And he plays for a college in Louisiana! Nickname confirmed, thanks Google!

wait what


Touki Toussaint
On the other end of the spectrum from Nola is Florida high school pitcher Touki Toussaint. Toussaint is number two on my big board because HIS NAME IS TOUKI TOUSSAINT duh if Gordon’s gone you better pick this kid, Rube. Also at his inevitable rookie hazing the (remaining?) veterans on the team can make him wear a Tanooki Mario suit, assuming anyone on the roster at the time was alive when that was a real thing.

http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120718192526/fantendo/images/archive/f/f7/20130710211640!Tanooki_Mario_EPIC.png

touissant.png
TANOOKI TOUCAN

Michael Conforto
Conforto is an outfielder capable of hitting a pitched baseball more than 300 feet so he should definitely be of interest.

Dante Exum
The versatile Exum – who measured a legitimate 6-6 in shoes with an impressive 6-9 ¼ wingspan – has the ability to play both guard spots and even played a little small forward coming up. (He’s also continuing to add muscle to his frame, bulking up almost 10 pounds since his appearance at the 2013 Nike Hoop Summit). Still only 18 years old, Exum is, according to many, just scratching the surface of his huge potential. Exum moves very well without the ball and is exceptional at creating for his teammates but is also effective playing off the ball. His specialty is getting to the basket and drawing and-1’s, using his explosive first step, size and body control to get into the heart of the defense. On the defensive end, his length, basketball IQ and quickness allow him to fill passing lanes, where he consistently comes up with steals and loose balls.

By all accounts, Exum is a fantastic team player with top-notch intangibles. He’s been described as coachable, grounded, humble and intelligent.

Haha just kidding, this was actually a scouting report for the Australian combo guard NBA prospect that I copied and pasted from CAVS.COM. Still though, the more I think on it, the harder it is to argue that adding Exum in the draft wouldn’t improve the Phillies’ farm system. Two of my scouts insist he’s already a better baseball player than Anthony Hewitt. If Exum is available the Phils should give it a thought. The only question would be how far over slot Ruben would be willing to go to get this Aussie to hop on the barbie. AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE, OI OI OI

Kyle Freeland
Freeland is a left-handed pitcher from Evansville, which is apparently a college. No, seriously, their nickname is the Purple Aces. Was a combined 8-13 his freshman and sophomore seasons, yeah but now he’s a concensus top ten pick I really have no idea how the MLB draft works it makes no sense to me.

Max Pentecost
Do the Phils have enough faith in this youngster to use a top ten pick on a catcher? That’s a tough call, but this kid could be an epiphany-- and would be tough to pass over. If he reaches his ceiling, Max will have lots of disciples rooting him on at Citizens Bank Park in the future. With all of that said, if the team whiffs on a another first rounder there’s a strong chance scout Marti Wolever will be crucified.



Olivier Routhier-Pare
An under the radar prospect out of Quebec (that’s Canada), Routhier-Pare could be the type of skilled yet hidden gem the Phillies tend to covet in their draft process. I haven’t been able to find much about this kid, but here’s an excerpt from an article I found in French, which I then translated into Haitian Creole, then back to English, then into Icelandic, then back to English, then into Azerbaijani, before finally flipping it back into English:

Obviously, during his stay in Belgium almost all baseball players "flat" will run at the same time as another front Quebecers. So it can discover new talents and send them to institutions where young people can develop their skills more effectively.

That was the case last year for a young boy called Duss Cyprien Maurienne.

"Young I thought here from Belgium Quebec in August. He enrolled in college-Mont Edouard Petit studying sports baseball, finishing his secondary 4 and 5!"

"Just before I flew to Louvain-La-neuv, I learned that he had chosen midje AAA team in Montreal, I confess that I was very happy."

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

A Quick Note from the Boss


"Ummm, yeah. I'm gonna need you to come in for this players-only meeting. Also, if you could score some runs that would be great. Okay."

1. Just kidding Ryno we still love you 
2. Note to Darren Rovell- Ryne Sandberg was not in Office Space 
3. Feel free to meme this the meme up, yo!
4. Click to embiggen


OMFG UPDATED to include Darin Ruf as Milton (duh!)

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