Wednesday, November 26, 2014

The ZWR Play-by-Play Guide to Thanksgiving Day





5:45 - Get woken up by your stupid kid, give thanks for not having slept soundly in your own home for four years. 

5:47 - Fall back asleep. 

6:00 - Get woken up again because your wife hates you and demands coffee. 

6:01 - 7:59 - exist in sleep-deprived fugue state, engaging in as little conversation as possible. 

8:30 - Get guilted by your mom for first time. 

10:00 - Drink a shower beer. It’s what the pilgrims would want you to do. 

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Eagles Week 12 Report Card


Quarterback
ZWR: Mark Sanchez doesn’t always inspire confidence with his play, but his love of the chicken tenders always wins me back. I’m ride or die with Franchez, until the moment Nick Foles is able to return at which point eat away bro set up an omelet station for all I care. Grade: We Won

Getty Images


Monday, November 24, 2014

NFC East Owner's Boxes: A Quick Check-In


Steve Tisch making out with a 19 year old it's all good...



Jerry boozing while people clean his glasses obvi...


Daniel Snyder shamelessly rationalizing racism all seems right...



The Definitive Odell Beckham Jr. Catch Photoshop



LOL Giants


Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Eagles Week Eleven Report Card (SPOILER: F-)


Quarterback
ZWR: Mark Sanchez didn’t get hurt, and I consider that a victory in light of how that game played out. Everything was butt. So, so, so butt. Like, Butt City, USA. BUTT. Grade: Not injured.

Hardingererer: “He wasn’t horrible, but he wasn’t good either” is an appropriate description of the quarterback in at least 9 out of the 10 games the Eagles have played so far. Grade: D

The Evster: Absolute dreamboat matchup yesterday between Aaron “Roy” Rodgers and Mark “The Sanchinator” $anchez. My wife was locked in all game. My father on the other hand was not nearly as riveted.


Monday, November 17, 2014

Desean Jackson Standing By His Teammates


Interesting reaction after a disappointing loss yesterday...




In case you didn't click on the Instant Gram (WARNING: CURSE WORD AFTER THE JUMP):

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Eagles Week Ten Report Card


Quarterback
ZWR: Well you certainly have to be happy with that performance from Mark Sanchez. Of note, it was enjoyable to have our quarterback not throw the ball to the other team, or drop it while trying to slide. But it’s not all positive, kids. I got lots of “Sanchize” and “Dirty Sanchez” texts/emails/pages Monday night. Those two nicknames are SOOOO BAD. Don’t use them. That’s an order. Grade: A


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

The Ultimate Scorier Cuts a Promo




 I-- Mike McCarthy, hmmmmm.... I have a question, mmmmm, to answer your question.

As you, Mike McCarthy, travel to LAMBEAU by conventional means, the normals you travel with experience malfunctions. As you realize ALL THAT IS LEFT is total self-destruction, do you, Mike McCarthy, show self-pity? DO YOU, MIKE MCCARTHY, try to reason why? Do you, Mike McCarthy, try and comfort the normals that have even more fear than you? Or, do you, Mike McCarthy, kick the doors out? Kick the cockpit door down? Take the two pilots that have already made the sacrifice so that you can face this challenge. Dispose of them, Mike McCarthy. Assume the controls, Mike McCarthy. SHOVE THAT CONTROL INTO A NOSE DIVE, MIKE MCCARTHY! Push yourself to total self-destruction. AS YOU REALIZE, Mike McCarthy, you are about to enter a world close to Parts Unknown. Ah, smell it Scoriers. DO YOU, Mike McCarthy, look for a place to hide? Or do you, Mike McCarthy, face that challenge? That may be more powerful THAN EVEN YOU ARE, MIKE MCCARTHY! You, Mike McCarthy, must self-destruct. So that you will know, Mike McCarthy, who is… the chosen one. FOR MIKE MCCARTHY, I am not the chosen one that you speak of. 

I am not. 

I, Mike McCarthy, am the only one.

/fade to black

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Nerlens Noel, James Harden and a Llama [ANIMATED GIF]



Got this from one of my staff photographers who was at the game last night.

Heck of a play, yo.


Eagles Week Nine Report Card (vs. Texans)


Quarterback
ZWR: RIP Nick Foles look on the bright side you’re still young and rich and should be back for the stretch run if Mark Sanchez doesn’t own the city by then hear me out there’s an outside chance it is going to happen you can never doubt someone who eats chicken tenders on the sideline during a key intra-division prime time rivalry game. Grade: Chicken Tenders

Hardingererer: Foles won’t start for the Eagles again this season. Inexcusable decision by Sanchez to cut his dope headband flow. Grade: D (due to lack of flow)

DG: Do you realize how close we were to one of the greatest, most insane Philadelphia media weeks in recent history? If that pass doesn’t bound off of Josh Huff’s fingers and into a Texans defender’s hands, and Sanchez takes the team the rest of the way down the field for another touchdown, mere moments after Foles got pick-sixed on another underthrown off-balance lollipop made of equal parts bravado and naive hope, we would have had a full six days ahead of us of bozo callers calling bozo radio show hosts to have heartfelt, soul-searching conversations about the possibility of replacing the quarterback of a division-leading team with a man most famous for his involvement in a notorious play called “The Buttfumble.” It would have been magical. I’ll never forgive Josh Huff for taking this away from me. Grade: B (I wrote this before they announced the extent of Foles's injury. Please pretend I said something smart.)

(Getty Images)

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