Thursday, December 31, 2015

Roy Halladay Named Zoo With Roy's 2015 Man of the Year




For all of the severity of real life to have taken place in 2015, our pop culture society may yet remember it as the year Star Wars returned. In the epic series, it is something known as the Force that surrounds and binds all around us. Jedi masters taught young warriors the ways of the Force, and they then used it- for good or evil- to fight for the universe.

Perhaps no Philadelphia athlete represented the simultaneous understanding, harnessing, and use of The Force better in 2015 than Roy Halladay. And now that the Phillies, under the empire of new boss Matt Klentak, have acquired Roy’s windup doppelganger (homage to greatness, in my opinion) Charlie Morton this offseason, one might even consider this winter an Attack of the Clones. While the jury remains out on how well Klentak’s Light-SABR wielding will Awaken the next young crop of Phillies’ Jedi Knights...

Wait, I’m sorry. I have no idea what I’m even talking about anymore- I’m just desperately straining for Star Wars analogies. Forgive me.

It is with great pleasure that I announce to you that Harry Leroy Halladay III is ZWR’s Man of the Year for the calendar year 2015. Roy is the 2015 Zoo With Roy Man of the Year not only because he was a great baseball player, a great person, a great pilot, a great BFF, and an overall friend to man and beast, but because he’s basically Obi-won Kenobi. zOMG I’m so sorry.


* Editor's note: This marks Mr. Halladay's sixth consecutive ZWR MOTY Award.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Eagles Week 15 Report Card



Quarterback
ZWR: Okay so here’s the deal: we need to stay positive. This season has been a giant piece of disappointing crap but we somehow still control (seems the wrong word, but whatevs) our own destiny. Of the quarterbacks left out there fighting for their playoff lives with a chance to execute a final two game surge that will get his team in none have sleeves as outrageously large and obnoxious as Sam Bradford. I believe. No, I be-sleeve. Grade (for rest of way): we got this. Grade (for last night): C-

The Evster: Stop it. This team is garbage. This quarterback is garbage. This unseasonably warm weather is garbage. And even if the Eagles DO win their next two games (which they won't) they'll still be a giant pile of meatless garbage. They're not explosive, they're not fun to watch, they’re not worth putting the effort in to make this last bullet point interesting. In case you couldn’t tell, I have NOT had my breakfast yet this morning. Grade: Captain Crankypants!



Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Monday, December 14, 2015

Eagles Week 14 Report Card


Yesplz we won in Shady's return. Normal cast of characters here- Evster, Danger, Dr. Pizza LEGGO!

Quarterback
ZWR: Yo Sammy Sleeves had things under control, only his receivers never catch footballs and his offensive line isn’t always good. That’s not to say the sleevemeister would have had eleventy billion yards passing or anything yesterday, but my man was dealing and the numbers should have been better. Grade: A-

HEY GUYS GREAT WIN LET'S GET SOME BUFFALO WINGS LOL GET IT?

Monday, December 7, 2015

Eagles Week 13 Report Card (with @Evsterrr and @DangerGuerrero)


Quarterback
ZWR: Mimosas are amazing. We had some before the game, and they made the morning so much more fun. We’ve been to a few all-inclusive jawns in the Caribbean and getting drunk at breakfast while nomming eggs bennie before snorkeling rules. Maybe one day we’ll have a star quarterback. Until then, mimosas. Sammy Sleeves played well. Grade: A

WOOOOO BIG WIN BOYS LET'S HIT THE SHOWERS

Monday, November 16, 2015

Eagles Week Ten Report Card


Danger Guerrero can't join us this week he's at the doctor let's pray he doesn't die.

Quarterback
ZWR: Sammy Sleeves was representing sexiness and inspiring confidence… and then he was dead. You'd pretty much have to play Ironman at quarterback if you wanted someone to survive behind this offensive line. Wait, could Jason Kelce snap it over Ironman’s head? Grade: Dead

ALSO: I think I hate Mark Sanchez’s face he looks like the kind of guy who just walks around talking about his haircut and people are like, “Ummm yeah that’s great but it’s your turn to practice or lift weights now” and he’s like, “Yeah, it’s really fashionable in European soccer and Lena Dunham’s boyfriend has the same cut but my barber is better.”

The Evster: This is Eagles third string quarterback, Thad Lewis.


Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Eagles Week Nine Report Card


Just the three old heads this week, sorry for delay but sometimes real life can stink. Let's get to it...

Quarterback
ZWR: Sammy Sleeves looks like a giant doofblock but I have to give him credit on that game-winning pass. He stood in there despite the fact that a giant angry man was about to obliterate him from behind, and threw a perfect pass to the guy who has spent this season dropping perfect passes. That’s a lot of confidence. I’d have pooch punted. Grade: A++++

FIRST NAME SLEEVES, LAST NAME EVER

Monday, October 26, 2015

Eagles Week Seven Report Card


Ugh that game stunk. The Evster's in France, but the rest of us idiots are here to re-live the misery. Enjoy!

Quarterback
ZWR: I don’t think Slingin Sammy Sleeves Brad-So-Radford looked too bad last night, especially considering his offensive line can’t block and his receivers can’t catch and his coaches refuse to give the ball to running backs who score 63 yard touchdowns. Grade: C+, whatever. Oh wait, he got sacked by his stupid sleeves that’s unreal. Updated Grade: C

Evan sent this photo:


Monday, October 19, 2015

EXCLUSIVE WEB VIDEO: Keith Byars Asploding Pepper Johnson



Watch this all day, until its time to make your good luck cheesesteak, egg and cheese bagel sammie like I'm doing tonight.

 



The Colts Were Playing Calvinball Last Night



Seriously, check out this screen grab from my DVR. What a crucial mistake for the Colts to make with the score only Q to 12 late in the third quarter:

AIR BUD WAS *WIDE OPEN* NO ONE WAS EVEN COVERING HIM WTF ARE YOU DOING?


Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Roy Has Spoken: #FreeUtley



Frankly, I agree.


Monday, October 12, 2015

Eagles Week Five Report Card


We wonned! ZWR was there!!! LEGGO...

Quarterback
ZWR: You guys cannot even comprehend how good the breakfast sandwich I ate from Angelo’s in the Jetro lot was. Look at this thing:



Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Here's Sam Bradford as Lucas!


This is amazing, you're welcome. Had such a crush on the girl from The Goonies, too.


Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Les Cousins Dangereux



From acclaimed French directors Francois and Gerard Sauterne, it was the depth chart that the world thought was wrong, but it was the world that was wrong.


No touching!

Monday, September 28, 2015

Eagles Week Three Report Card



We wonned! No joke, Evan emailed me asking that I link to his Twitter account in the introduction because he wants more followers how pathetic. Soooooo let's get to this week's victorious report card, with DG, Going Hardinger, Doc Pizza, and The Evster!

Quarterback
ZWR: I finally found a lucky gametime meal! Meatball sandwich failed week one, Chinese food blew it week two. This week, though, cheesesteak straight killed it. Good job, cheesesteak! “But ZWR, you live outside DC there aren’t any good sandwich places there those people are vanilla, culture-less, suburban slugs who live for crappy chain restaurants!” True story bro, but the Weg sells shaved steak and their bakery is a banger. Sam Bradford doesn’t impress me. Yeah, I know, Sproles and Mathews each dropped balls on wheel routes that could have been big gainers and all, but still you need to throw LASERS (or moon balls) to wide receivers DOWN THE FIELD to get an A from this penguin (or the Evster). Grade: C

Saved the season, yo

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

A Definitive List of Food You Cannot Eat During Any More Eagles Games


A confession: I'm very superstitious. As a kid (and still today in stupid men's league) I always got dressed the same way in hockey locker rooms, my old man and I had an elaborate set-up for the entire 1993 Phillies playoffs television watching experience ... stupid stuff like that. I was pouting about the Eagles awful start yesterday when I stumbled upon another iteration of this behavior from my past. In 2003 the Eagles had Super Bowl aspirations, but started 2-3 and had a make-or-break game in New York against the Giants. Beforehand, I made a sausage and peppers sandwich (total banger btw). Things were looking very bleak up until the final minute, but Brian Westbrook saved it-- and the season-- with a late punt return touchdown.



Monday, September 21, 2015

Eagles Week Two Report Card (SPOILER: F)


Hi everyone. Danger Guerrero can't participate this week as he's immersed in Emmys coverage for his real job. He's pretty lucky to not have to discuss this game, if you ask me. On to it! 

Quarterback
ZWR: I don’t do video games very often, but ended up playing the new Madden the other day. I called a pass play and thought there was a receiver who was the L1 button, so when the guy made his break I kept pushing it frantically only he wasn't L1 at all and nothing happened so then I panicked like a giant doof and hit the triangle or something and threw the ball right to the other team. I’m pretty sure that’s what happened to Sam Bradford on that interception in the end zone. Riley Cooper was the L1 button that wasn’t. NOT TO MENTION Bradford looks like he has a damn bath robe tucked into his football pants I can't even. Grade: F-

Going Hardinger: The interception in the end zone actually gave me Legionnaire’s Disease. Grade: F-

Evster: I watched the game with my buddy and his three-year-old daughter, Maisie. We spent most of the second quarter playing with Peppa the Pig (who seems like a pretty cool pig) and searching for her stuffed lamb, Lamb'y (she was under the couch). Later I taught Maisie the phrase, "Our quarterback eats dogs**t for breakfast." Grade: F



Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Eagles Week 1 Report Card


Hey everyone, we're back again this season! Shame it started so craptastically. Anyway... on to it!

Quarterback
ZWR: I ate a meatball sandwich. The sandwich was great. The first half was obviously a debacle, but Sammy Sleeveface was killing it in the second half and that leaves me hopeful. He's going to destroy Dallas next week write it down in pen. Grade: B (But a definite A+ on Sunday)

DG: Bradford was... good? Kind of? He threw the ball a million times and it mostly went where it was supposed to. I suppose that's a positive to take away here. Analysis game on point in Week 1. Grade: B+



Friday, September 4, 2015

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Thank You Chase




This is supposed to get easier each time, but it doesn't. Especially when it's finally time for "the man" to leave. Of the era just passed that that seems impossibly fun when you think back on it, Chase Utley wasn't the flashiest player, he didn't hit the most home runs, he didn't have the silliest hair, he wasn't the most goofily lovable, he didn't offer up silly quotes (though he did offer up one epic one), he wasn't the most nonchalant while dominating, he wasn't the MVP of seasons or series, and I didn't want to go to the zoo with him.

Instead, he was the person who led them all. And he was a World Fucking Champion.

Thank you for everything, Chase.

Friday, July 31, 2015

Awesome Emma's Goodbye Letter to Cole Hamels


One of the coolest things to come out of this bolg has been Awesome Emma, a little girl who burst onto the scene by winning the first annual ZWR Halloween Costume Contest and then showed us all up by revealing that she's a naturally gifted journalist/celebrity interviewer. Ever since Emma's first assignment-- a sit-down with Cole Hamels-- the lefty pitcher has held a special place in her heart. She wrote him the following letter upon his being traded, and asked that I share it here. 

Dear Mr. Cole Hamels,

I just want to start out by saying that I woke up sad today when I heard you were traded and I will miss you. You are so well loved by the Philadelphia fans and you brought something so special to the team that no player could ever replace. I do not always agree with the Phillies trades but I have to accept it anyway. You are extra hard to say goodbye to. I will never stop wearing my Cole Hamels jersey, in fact I will wear it with lots of pride and respect for you. You are so special and I will always like you no matter which team you play for. You will be so deeply missed and Philadelphia will always love you and give you a warm welcome home. You are just so amazing and this breaks my heart to be writing this. I love how you finished your last game in Philadelphia with a no-hitter. I was so excited and so happy for you. You made history!

I learned that you are not only a great baseball player, you are a great man. You have given me so many opportunities from Diamonds and Denim, meeting baseball players, and meeting such a kind person like you. I remember the first time I met you at the elementary school in Philadelphia and I was so speechless because of your good looks. I just want to say thank you for all that you have done as a player. I also want to thank you for teaching me so much about your charity.

My birthday is coming up and I mentioned in my invitation that instead of gifts, I wanted to collect money for the Cole Hamels Foundation. I was very inspired by what you and Mrs. Hamels do and how you help people in need and provide so many children with a chance for a better education. I also want to help kids in need and give them a hand and hope to inspire others as you have inspired me.

I am happy for you, but I’m also very sad and I hope you win a lot of games for the Rangers. Philadelphia will miss you. I hope the Rangers love you as much as Philadelphia does and you win the World Series. Go celebrate with some mint chocolate chip ice cream. Thank you so much again and I wish you and your family the best. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you and more thank you.


Your Friend,
Awesome Emma


Thursday, July 30, 2015

Thank You, Cole


Thank you for being a home-grown pitcher who turned into a perennial ace.

Thank you for Game Five.

Thank you for being a World Series MVP.

Thank you for being a champion.

Reuters

Thank you for showing no ego when the team brought in other high-profile, high-salary (sometimes bolg-worthy) pitchers.

Thank you for not listening to the idiots.

Thank you for your charity work.

Thank you for being so kind to a little girl who adored you, going well beyond being a good sport. You legitimately made an impact on her.



Thank you for that mustache.

Thank you for that no-hitter.

Thank you for everything, and best of luck.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

We Found The Girls from the Taylor Swift Concert!!!


Well, I mean, not exactly "we", as I didn't find anyone. Kate found them!!!


Them, of course, being the two sweethearts who were so amazingly, inconceivably, face-meltingly nice to the Wah. Also, it turns out they really do have a huge Taylor Swift site because their post about it has like sixty seven billionty notes (I have no idea how Tumblr works TBQH I don't even know how to get off the front page but they're basically superstars over there).

I'm not sure what I'm going to do next exactly, but I definitely wanted to follow up because so many of you reached out to me upon reading yesterday's post. I can say that in a perfect world it involves, in some fashion, them hanging out with Taylor Swift and hearing from her that what they did was special. That sounds crazy, sure ... but I'm a complete moron and Roy Halladay went to the zoo with me. Stay tuned, and if you feel so inclined spread the word because good people deserve good things.



Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Biggest Thank You Ever (@taylorswift13, @taylornation13, #TaylorSwift1989Tour)



Sometimes things happen that remind you of how special the bonds of our interactions and offerings of kindness can be, and how those opportunities realize in you emotions that are all too often hidden away. Last night, at the Taylor Swift concert, two young girls did something that mine (and I) won't ever soon forget... and taught her something that I hope she also will always recall- even if more than the concert itself. The story, I'll try to be brief.

We bought tickets for the show waaaaaay back on the day they first went on sale, and figured that since the Wah (if any Taylor Swift fans end up here, that's the pseudonym given my daughter on this site as a baby) was going to only be five when it happened (and if we even took her), we'll just get cheap-o seats. She'd get to look down and see the whole stage, odds are she wouldn't last the night, it's likely insane to spend four hundred dollars to take a five year old to a concert, ... all of those reasons. We were hoping she'd get to go, though, because she loves Taylor Swift; once she made us listen to We Are Never Getting Back Together on repeat on a four hour drive to the Outer Banks oh man that was fun.

Last night arrives and so do we at Nats Park. It ended up being a daddy daughter date, since the Nag (again, a beloved nickname) had to work late and I secretly wanted to go because I like Taylor more than her there's no shame in that stop judging. We grabbed some dinner, walked around, got ice cream, stood in line for the family bathroom for eleventy hours because I can't go into the ladies room and went to our seats. Within about a minute of sitting down we were approached by two young girls who struck up conversation with the Wah. I thought to myself, "Cool, we're sitting next to nice kids, this will be fun for her." Then, out of the blue, they offered us two field seats.

Yup.

My head was spinning a mix of confusion and excitement. Lacking retention of specifics, they had their original seats, but got two additional bangers right next to the stage because they have a fan site or the fan club (Taylor Swift Nation?) gave them two more ... like I said, my mind was all over the place. I asked if they were sure, they insisted. I asked the Wah if she wanted to go down there, she said yes. I offered to give the girls face value for those tickets, they said no. I offered to buy them shirts, they said no. I offered to buy them dinner, they said no. Then they said that all they wanted was to make my daughter's night. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

The girls walked down with us to the field, explained to the security guards the situation ("We know Taylor's people"... so much more confident than I'd ever be!), and got us our wristbands. They then walked the Wah to her seat, and came back after each of the opening acts to talk with her and ask if she was having fun. I think that, nearly if not equally as much as Taylor Swift herself, made her night. She kept asking when "her friends" would be back.

The entire chain of events that afternoon and evening- every random hiccup (original restaurant by the park that we tried was too full), unintended divergence (ran back to the car to get rain coat), or shortcut (ice cream-only line for Shake Shack) led us to that exact situation where this could have taken place. We sat down in our seats as the two girls happened upon our specific section in a huge baseball stadium.... we couldn't re-create that if we tried it infinite times. And because of it, to chance and good fortune in small parts and overwhelming thoughtfulness in large, my little girl had the experience that she did.

This is going to sound so dorky, but the selflessness and sweetness those girls showed the Wah- in act and example- had me so taken aback that I just wanted to hug them and cry... neither of which would have been a particularly good look in public. I can only imagine how proud their parents would be to learn of it. The concert was amazing, but being the recipient of such an immense act of kindness- to be told that someone just wanted to do something nice for you because they knew it would make you happy ... I hope the Wah was able to grasp it, and remembers that she has that same ability in life.

THANK YOU, again, more than I could ever say, to these two. You gave a gift that will last a lifetime. The little one fell asleep on my lap and we had to leave before the end of the show, so we couldn't see you one last time and I never got your names to send you our pictures.

Taylor Swift people, if you're reading this (hence the Twitter handles and hashtags in the title of this post) please bring these girls backstage and let them eat stromboli or drink lemonades with Tay Tay or something. People who aren't Taylor Swift, please share with everyone you know so that this stromboli and lemonade party can happen. It must. Pictures below. I don't normally show faces of family but will this time...

Srsly


That guard was hilarious BTW

Holy moly these seats


Also I'm sure you're reading this Taylor thank you for saying that everyone at the show was your friend. When she woke up this morning she was sure to tell her brother that she's Taylor Swift's friend. 

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Ruben Amaro, in the style of True Detective



It kind of seems like Rube is hell-bent on burning it all down on his way out the door (presumably, hopefully?) at the end of the season (please?).

Of course, saying dumb stuff has always kind of been Rube's thing, so maybe there's no calculation (HA!) to it.

We get the baseball team we deserve.

Friday, June 26, 2015

ZWR Sixers Draft Recap



Pick looking good...

Source: Google Translate



Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Phillies Day 2 Draft Recap


The 2015 MLB draft continued yesterday, with the Phillies adding eight more players. Here's my quick take on each.


Round 03  Luke Williams, SS, Dana Hills HS (CA) - Can't believe he was still on the board here
Round 04 Kyle Martin, 1B, South Carolina - Certified. Banger.
Round 05  Bailey Falter, LHP, Chino Hills HS (CA) - Notes from scouting trips to see him are glowing; really like this pick
Round 06 Tyler Gilbert, LHP, USC - Definite MLB starter, likely impact player
Round 07 Luke Leftwich, RHP, Wofford - I had a second or third round grade on him
Round 08 Greg Pickett, OF, Legend HS (CO) - Reminds me of Kirby Puckett
Round 09 Mark Laird, CF, LSU - Geaux-ing to be a good one
Round 10 Josh Tobias, 3B, Florida - No reason to suspect he won't be a stud

Looked like a solid day for the Fightins! Let's hope it continues for the later rounds.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Comprehensive Phillies Draft Review



The Phils, in my unbiased opinion, came out as the clear winners of the 2015 draft’s first night. Let’s take a look at who they selected!


Round 1, Pick 10: Cornelius Randolph (SS)
As I noted when the pick was made, I had Randolph ranked much higher than 10. The kid is a sure-fire stud banger. Many call him the top bat in high school baseball, which my in-depth (subscription-only) scouting services definitely corroborate. It’s hard not to get excited thinking about a lineup in which Randolph is following the speedy Roman Quinn and future perennial MVP J.P. Crawford (with defending-former-perennial-MVP Maikel Franco behind him). Randolph will move to left field or third base or something who cares he’s going to hit .348 every year. 


Round 2, Pick 48: Scott Kingery (2B) 
Kingery attended the same school as Damon Stoudamire, the University of Arizona*, where he shined as a sophomore with a .354 batting average and .456 on-base percentage. After the season, he went up to the Cape Cod League and hit .312 with a wood bat. Yup, you read that right: another certified stud banger. Once Chase Utley decides to retire and become governor of California, CEO of Illumina (NASDAQ:ILMN), or the Phils next manager Kingery should be ready to step right in and dominate. 

* Editor's note: under no circumstances should anyone ever intentionally leave college in Arizona. The only exception to this guidance is being drafted into a professional sports league that will afford you the same lifestyle

The draft goes on for like the next nine days and I’m sure we’ll continue to rack up a bunch of stars. Keep it locked on zoowithroy.com- the world’s foremost bolg about wanting and having gone to the zoo with Roy Halladay--  for updates!

Friday, May 29, 2015

STILL - SO PERFECT


Happy fifth anniversary of HLHIII's perfect game!!! Since today is a special occasion- and I'm prone to sentimentality- I broke out the old MS Paint brush and made a little something to commemorate our hero breaking 27 faces without blemish on May 29th, 2010. I hope it makes you happy.


Click to big

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Sixers Essentially Win NBA Draft Lottery


Heading into last night’s NBA Draft Lottery, the primary concern among Sixers Nation was the team’s potentially losing their “slotted” position in the top three of the draft. All of the  #OneSixEleven stuff was fun, but more the talk of dreams than that of plans.

So here we are. The Sixers select third, and that’s a win. Who they select will be based on a host of factors, one of the primary of those being current roster construction (and hence need). Let’s take a look at where the team stands and see if we can surmise where Sam Hinkie and his staff could be looking.

Ish Smith - A late season pickup, Smith was arguably one of the best point guards in the Eastern Conference this spring. Now I know that the sample size is small, and many of the teams the Sixers were playing were tanking, but Smith looks to be a player. I can see him serving as the backup point guard on a championship caliber team.



Friday, May 15, 2015

Projecting Maikel Franco's Rookie Season




As I first reported, the Phillies called up prized prospect Maikel Franco this morning, and he’ll join the team for their weekend series against the D-Backs. While nobody can say for certain what the future holds for the young slugger, I’ve run some numbers through a proprietary software I’ve developed and can forecast with reasonable confidence that his 2015 campaign will look something along these lines:

.334 AVG
.329 OBP
56 2B
3 3B
37 HR
42 RBI
25-30 highlight reel diving plays at 3B

With stats like those, it’s a safe bet that Franco will take home rookie of the year, MVP and possibly even first ever Co-ZWR-Man-of-the-Year honors. So be excited Phillies fan, what I conservatively estimate as a likely perennial All-Star and future MVP has just joined the roster. 

As Franco's season unfolds we'll have all the coverage you'll need right here on your #1 source for Phillies insider info, Zoo With Roy (zoowithroy.com)


Thursday, May 14, 2015

Esotericky Bottalico Checks In ... on TV?!?!?!


YEAH THAT'S RIGHT THE COMPANY THAT OWNS NBC AND UNIVERSAL PICTURES IS HITTING UP THE PENGUIN FOR GOOD IDEAS JUST GO TO THE 1:05 MARK!!! 




Srsly Comcast you better pay me for that crap I want a suite for Taylor Swift or something...



Thursday, May 7, 2015

A Note on Yesterday's Post (Which I Plagiarized)


Q: Hey man what was yesterday's post were you SKEWERING something or stealing copy?

A: Guys, deep breath. I've been doing this bolg for nearly 5 years now, and have never felt a need to "steal" anything, ever. I erroneously assumed that people would get the joke here, based on my original final graf, which alluded very clearly (I thought) to the piece I was skewering, and included a link to it. (I don't know many plagiarists who link to the stuff they've "stolen.") I have edited that final graf to make it more clear. I have never stolen anyone else's work, and never would. And anyone who knows me even a little will vouch for that. For the record, in case anyone is interested (though I suspect you aren't): My intent was indeed to poke fun at "Remy's World" (whoever he is) and his attempt at mocking runners, by taking bits of his "rant" and juxtaposing them with normal-sounding stuff. The Onion does this sort of thing all the time, which is why I included a hat tip to them above the column. I assumed – incorrectly, it seems – that the original shitty Runner's World blog post was seen widely enough that most folks would get the reference right away – or would, as soon as they read the excerpts from it.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Motivational Poster Number 97


Just run. To the authorities. Then cancel your credit card.

SCAB PIG

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Eagles 2015 Schedule - Game by Game Predictions


As you've likely seen by now (and I first reported as your #1 Most Trusted NFL Source), the Eagles released their 2015 schedule yesterday. Allow me to go through each game with a quick burst of expert analysis and a surefire lock prediction. ON TO IT!


Monday, April 6, 2015

HAPPY OPENING DAY!!!


It's still always exciting. Enjoy if you're going, enjoy if you're watching. Go Phils!


Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Nobody Cares About Your Bracket



Please, tell me more about your NCAA Tournament Bracket.



Wait, who's your big sleeper again? That's a really good one; yes, of course I want to hear more about their Top 100 wins and conference RPI. Oh man, you're right, this really could be the year Gonzaga gets to the Sweet 16. And how. No way you almost have the same huge upset prediction as me. Any shot you could you tell me some hedges you've employed. Oooooh, that's smart. The lady in your office picker her teams HOW? What a lark! Now before we go any further, and I want to hear it all, can you just tell me who your Final Four is? Nailed it. Okay, yes, back to how a 12 always beats a 5. Bro I know it Kentucky is so legit. Hey, your alma mater is in the tournament this year. Did you predict them to lose early so that if they get far who cares if your bracket is crap because you're so stoked or say "screw it" and pick them to go all the way so that it'll be the best ever if they do? That's a big decision. Yeah totally the Big 12 is way overrated I agree. Duke so got a favorable draw just like every year way to be impartial NCAA. Your bracket factors in points for upsets but you did the numbers and found out it doesn't make sense to just pick all of the underdogs? Dude you should work in analytics. Just kidding I know you're a baller at heart. Like Villanova's depth? Same. Temple got screwed, I know it. Anything can happen in March, though. Can't bet against Izzo.


Tuesday, March 10, 2015

GONE GORE





I am, if nothing else, a man of the people. Or perhaps a penguin of the people, YMMV.

And so, when I received the above excellent suggestion earlier, you bet your holy butt I turned that puppy out less than a half an hour (1/8 the actual run time of Gone Girl, by the way) later, flipped my mouse off the desk and admired my work:

No but seriously Frank Gore will probably get robbed at a trailer park in Indianapolis

See what I mean? KILLED IT.

Or did I?

#BACHCAP: Finale!!!


Best farm
ZWR: I honestly have no idea how farming works. Corn grows in the snow? What was that thing they were shooting the plants into? Who do they sell their crops to? Like, farmers markets? How big is an acre? People still do this? Their houses looked nice, so there must be money in it. Maybe I should be a farmer. I can drive the crop catcher and grow snowcorn.

The Evster: Definitely not Chris. His farm had no goats, no cows, no drive-thru windows to pick up Tea-Cooler and TastyKakes on the way home from work, no baseball fields where ghosts can play, no cute little markets that sell jams and jellies and massive containers of maple syrup that are way too overpriced but still a must-buy because how often do you get a chance to pour maple syrup out of a rusty metal canister and only two horses.


Thursday, March 5, 2015

The First Annual ZWR SWAGALYTICS Quadrant Report



Wow, the past two weeks in Philadelphia sports have been crazy! The Sixers traded the reigning rookie of the year and KJ McDangDang (TM @cranekicker) in picking up fourteen more draft picks and future All Star Isaiah Canaan on deadline day. Shortly thereafter, the Flyers shipped away stalwart defensemen Kimmo Timonen and Braydon Coburn leading into the NHL trade deadline. The Flyers, too, stockpiled for draft day. Then the Eagles asploded everything! Toddfather, Sconces, and Trent Cole were released, freeing up a billionty. Shady was traded. SHADY WAS TRADED!

What's behind all of this? Well, it's a combination of things, namely our new corps of management's penchant for decisions rooted in the study of things like probability and OPTIONALITY and their having the guts to stand behind their decisions-- even if they confound traditionalists. As such, it seems an appropriate time to examine where big four's leaders fall on the
 ZWR SWAGALYTICS QUADRANT.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Special Eagles Report Card w/ the OGs Craney, Danger, and Evan


Running Backs
ZWR: You have to make this trade. Linebacker is a position of greater need that’s tougher to fill, this is a deep running back draft, and (like it or not) the salary cap plays a huge role in these decisions. All of that said, I love Shady. 

Grade: A+++++++++++++++++++++++++ forever and thank you for so many amazing memories.


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