Tuesday, January 20, 2015

BACHCAP: The Episode You Saw That Girl's Boob

Girl most likely to shuck this guy’s corn (if you get my drift) first
ZWR: No srsly I made this Google doc with the categories on Monday morning and then BAM a corn shucking competition I should be a Bach producer.

The Evster: Are you talking about (Editor's Note: Can’t say that) or (Editor's Note): Can’t say that either)? I’m guessing you meant (Editor's Note: The second one you can’t say). In that case, I’m going with the powerlifter. She’s basically the only option here. I LOATHE her.


Circs: Um, hopefully whichever one gets the opportunity because women have normal sexual urges just like men and there is certainly nothing wrong with a woman taking advantage of any such opportunity (assuming, of course, she gets whatever shucking she wants out of it too).


“Why am I wasting any moments of my life watching this show?” moment
ZWR: Despite my nailing it with the corn shucking (to be clear, that was a sexual innuendo!) jawn, that group date was SO DUMB! I mean, I could have been reading Tolstoy, practicing a new instrument, or learning how to better gauge financial markets, but instead I watched a bunch of morons chasing pigs. I hate myself.

The Evster: During the group date one of the women wore pants.

Circs: I noticed at one point that there was a hot tub and that Kardashian/virgin girl was having a breakdown about something, but to be honest I was eating RufflesⓇ and I couldn’t hear anything over the crunching.

Also, if anyone ever tells you they’ve read Tolstoy, they are lying (and probably a Scientologist).

Girl most likely to give the flight attendant attitude and demand the entire can of Diet Coke rather than just the little plastic cup’s worth before the flight attendant even gives her any reason to expect she’s just getting the little cup
ZWR: The super aggressive news producer girl who I said would be the best boogie boarder. I think her name is Jillian, but can’t be sure. She walks around looking for fist fights I bet.

The Evster: How funny would it be if you got to your seat on a plane and there was a goat sitting in it? And you’d have to be all, “Um, excuse me goat, I’m actually in 13F,” and the goat would just stare at you and be all confused because he’s a goat, and you’d have to repeat yourself, “Ummm, 13F? The aisle? That’s me,” and you’d show him your ticket, but he’s a goat remember? and he’d have no idea what you were talking about and then he’d just start nibbling on your ticket and you’d be like, “Bad goat!” but he’s not being a bad goat, he’s just being a goat, of course he’d try to nibble your ticket! And eventually you’d have to just accept the fact that he’s a goat and that he couldn’t comprehend which seat he was supposed to sit in and scooch past him and take the scary seat by the window and spend the whole flight talking to the goat and showing him garden fixtures from Skymall and it’d probably be the greatest flight ever and have you seen that little tree-climbing squirrel he's amazing!

ZWR, you rule

Circs: For the record, I think I’m not a terribly demanding person, and I don’t think it’s that demanding to ask the flight attendant for the whole can as a preemptive measure, if you do it nicely. Sorry, am I being uncooperative with the questions this week? I had strep throat last week and I’m still sort of recovering? It’s probably also my period and the dryness is making my hair flatter than usual and my toenail polish is peeling and I think my ovaries are slowly filling with blood so I just kind of want to like, cry, you know? Ugh. YOU know, ladies.

ZWR: OMG please don’t ever say period again I love you Bazooka mom but that scares me!

“zOMG THAT’S exactly why I watch this show!” moment
ZWR: It's a tie between a girl telling him about her husband's suicide at a pool party and this conversation with Evster, Craney, and the ladies on Twitter:

The Evster: At the pool party when that lady was telling Farmer Chris about her dead husband killing himself I DESPERATELY wanted someone to try and steal Chris away from her (ZWR: OMG ME TOO!). I kept repeating over and over and over again, “Omg where are you Mackenzie please come steal him please please please come steal him,” and of course she didn’t and I was super disappointed as he just sat there pretending to give a shit as she talked about her pooooooorrrrrr deaddddddd husbannnnnddddddddd and his suuuuuuuuper sadddddddddd suicide, booooooo hoooooooo, and ugh, no one interrupted them. But for those three minutes I was on the edge of my seat praying someone would and it was glorious.

Circs: Ashley S’s face when some other person got the rose on the group date. (And she knows that is why we watch the show and that is why she made the face because Ashley S is a plant who is making more money off this show than all of us combined.)

Woman most likely to name her son Kale
ZWR: Probably Carly. Guys, if I were to name one of my kids after food you can bet your butt it would be something waaaaaaaaaaaay cooler than kale. Seriously, what an awful choice in a world of limitless possibilities. Here’s my top three: Chicken Parm Sandwich, Pancakes, and (of course) Stromboli. “Chicken Parm Sandwich, stop hitting your sister!” “Tell Santa what you want for Christmas, Pancakes.” “Nice shot, Strombo!” I might need to have another kid.

Back to Kale. Think on this: If he ever gets fat (definitely a possibility considering he has a mom bad enough to ditch him for a few months to be on The Bachelor), he’s going to get teased even more than he will just for being named Kale. “Pancakes, stop teasing Kale!!!”

The Evster: I legitimately think every one of these women are capable of naming her son Kale.

Circs: Is there a contestant on the show named Gail Yale McVitamin Vale? If so, her.

What #team you on?
ZWR: #TeamKaitlyn

The Evster: #TeamSkyMall

Circs: So my kid managed to weasel out of bed again and was watching a minute of this just now. He just said, “Oh, mom, I remember this guy. He’s the one from where there was that gross heart in a box. What do you think it was? It was probably fruit, right? Jello? Do you think it was Jello?” #TeamKetchup

ZWR: That kid rules.

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