Tuesday, January 6, 2015

BACHCAP: Season Premiere!!!

Hey there, the ladies, and guys whose ladies make them watch shows like The Bachelor. After a brief hiatus, Bachcaps (#BACHCAP) are back! As always, I'm joined by Evan and Sara Circs (aka Bazooka Mom). Let's get to it.

Okay, explain who this guy is to ZWR I fell off the last few seasons
ZWR: From what I can tell he has no upper lip and does push-ups on hay bails. Also, I get Iowa and Idaho confused a lot. What's a harvest? Hi guys how are you doing?

Circs: Ummmm, he just said his town has like 400 people in it. I think that’s a negative number in town-numbers. His town is a hole filled with harvested* corn.

*Can someone please google “harvest” for me thx

The Evster: I don't trust any man who goes fishing with, or has the ability to have a relatively normal conversation with, his father. The last time I hung out with my dad he took a three-hour nap in his car. Later he spent 20 minutes yelling at his own foot.

Spot analysis top three chicks - aaaaaaaaaaand go!
  1. Ashley S. because she looks like him!
  2. That chick who looked like Olive Oyl because Popeye was cool AF
  3. Brittany (sp?) in the reaaally short dress man I loved that dress

Circs: OMG, Ashley S. DOES look like him!!
  1. Britt, the first chick to get out of a limo (and the one to get the first impression rose!). So excited to meet him, supes genuine, cool side-part. #teambritt
  2. Jade. Very pretty.
  3. Falaysia. Incredible tarsal muscles.
Was it just me or did the brunettes absolutely destroy the blondes in this round?

ZWR: Not just you. All of the blondes looked (how to say this delicately?) beat and old and the brunettes were (how to put this respectfully?) smokeshows.

The Evster: I don't think you people are watching the same show as me.
  1. Bo the plus-size model (obvs)
  2. Barbara (Barbara?), The WWE Diva (ummm, can you say "double obvs"?)
  3. The lady whose husband's heart exploded

OMG could you believe it when...
ZWR:"It's not a real heart. (Long, awkward, very weird pause) It was a joke."

Could you believe it? Of course you can- these women are loonies.

Circs: Can we talk about the heart thing? So I just watched that part, and my four-year-old son happened to have gotten out of bed and was watching with me when that part happened (I know, I know, send me to #prison). He made me rewind to the heart part several times so he could try and figure out what it was. “I think it’s just a big pile of ketchup,” he said. God, kids are stupid.

I couldn’t believe it when Ashley S. got out of the limo and looked around like she couldn’t see Chris at first. It was embarrassing for everyone involved, including myself.

I couldn’t believe it when a human woman put an airplane seatbelt around Chris.

I couldn’t believe the feedback on the cruise singer’s portable music system.

I couldn’t believe the women were arguing over what color a life jacket is.

The Evster: One of the ladies was a real estate agent.

ZWR: I’d put her in escrow if you know what I mean! (I don’t know what escrow is)

Girl most likely to eat her pizza with a fork and knife
ZWR: I don’t have an answer here, I just wanted to tell everyone that it’s never right to eat pizza with a fork and knife!

Circs: The pro wrestler. Because she’s a goddamned lady.

The Evster: I would pay top dollar to watch Bo eat a meatball hoagie.

ZWR: I was going to say that she’s the least likely to eat her pizza with a fork and knife because “she ain’t got time for that” but deleted it because I didn’t know if it sounded mean.

The Evster: I fully support plus-sized women and women who eat hoagies and women who will take valid american currency in exchange for kicking me in the throat.

ZWR: Now I want an Italian Diablo.

srsly Primo's let's work something out

Okay that made no sense but I liked it
ZWR: Why the hell are they on a red carpet? Why is that one scumbag standing behind Harrison the whole time? Are the people professional Bachelor alumni? Why am I watching this there's no way I can stay up three hours OMG is pudgy Chantal going to be here?! CLARE HOLDING A BABY LIKE IT'S THE STANLEY CUP YES PLEASE!

Circs: Ashley S. and the pomegranate. I love pomegranates too, Ash. No shame, gurl.

Also thought it was genuinely nice when Jesus helped that one girl (Carly?) get a rose.

The Evster: How Chris Harrison still has a job. On the red carps he asked Sean and Catherine when they might have children which is a huge no-no these days considering women have miscarriages ALL THE TIME and some dudes’ penises don’t work including someone I know very well who has a VERY NICE SIZED AND NORMALLY SHAPED penis (that sadly still doesn’t work).

Girl most likely to try a 360 while boogie boarding
ZWR: Jillian the news producer. Any chick who does chin-ups with giant weights strapped to her waist isn't happy to just be riding waves like a doof. This chick would try the 360, hit it on the first go, and the curse out the ocean.

Circs: Hey Zooey, I don’t know what this means. But my answer is Brittany because that’s a name I think a couple of girls had.

ZWR: Good approach. Now watch this:

The Evster: Did Jillian the news producer make it to the next round? I can’t remember. This is a sincere honest question that I hope one of you will answer.

Girl most likely to boink while listening to a playlist she made for boinking that’s just filled with awful boinking songs
ZWR: Amanda the ballet teacher. She's straight nuts. You'd be pumpin' it to some D'Angelo and then all of a sudden Spice Girls would come on and you'd be all "that's weird" then after that would be a song from Les Mis or some ish and you'd be like "BRB" and run home in your boxers.

Circs: Ashley S. and the Pomegranates!!

The Evster: Britt (even though she’s definitely a virgj). Her playlist is probably filled with songs about love and feelings and happy healthy disgusting babies -- aka the type of stuff that has NO PLACE in a full-throttle boinking sesh (regardless of whether or not a man has a fully functioning penis).


  1. the girl who tried to tell the #tightseal joke but farmer chris told her "shut up not now" which was super humiliating but i think she was too stupid to even be embarrassed. solid joke tho.

    never seen anyone prettier than britt holy cow

  2. cant believe how many tags "Evsters Dad" has

    1. i'm a little disapointed in how few tags 'pumping to d'angelo' has

  3. Can't believe I forgot about the #tightseal joke. That was kind of unbelievable.

  4. Any y'all ever had dem Keebler Club & Cheddar crackerz? BOMB YO.


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