BACHCAP: Season Premiere!!!

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Hey there, the ladies, and guys whose ladies make them watch shows like The Bachelor. After a brief hiatus, Bachcaps (#BACHCAP) are back! As always, I'm joined by Evan and Sara Circs (aka Bazooka Mom). Let's get to it.

Okay, explain who this guy is to ZWR I fell off the last few seasons
ZWR: From what I can tell he has no upper lip and does push-ups on hay bails. Also, I get Iowa and Idaho confused a lot. What's a harvest? Hi guys how are you doing?

Circs: Ummmm, he just said his town has like 400 people in it. I think that’s a negative number in town-numbers. His town is a hole filled with harvested* corn.

*Can someone please google “harvest” for me thx

The Evster: I don't trust any man who goes fishing with, or has the ability to have a relatively normal conversation with, his father. The last time I hung out with my dad he took a three-hour nap in his car. Later he spent 20 minutes yelling at his own foot.

Spot analysis top three chicks - aaaaaaaaaaand go!
ZWR:

1. Ashley S. because she looks like him!
2. That chick who looked like Olive Oyl because Popeye was cool AF
3. Brittany (sp?) in the reaaally short dress man I loved that dress

Circs: OMG, Ashley S. DOES look like him!!

1. Britt, the first chick to get out of a limo (and the one to get the first impression rose!). So excited to meet him, supes genuine, cool side-part. #teambritt
2. Jade. Very pretty.
3. Falaysia. Incredible tarsal muscles.

Was it just me or did the brunettes absolutely destroy the blondes in this round?

ZWR: Not just you. All of the blondes looked (how to say this delicately?) beat and old and the brunettes were (how to put this respectfully?) smokeshows.

The Evster: I don't think you people are watching the same show as me.

1. Bo the plus-size model (obvs)
2. Barbara (Barbara?), The WWE Diva (ummm, can you say "double obvs"?)
3. The lady whose husband's heart exploded

 

yesplz

OMG could you believe it when...
ZWR:"It's not a real heart. (Long, awkward, very weird pause) It was a joke."

Could you believe it? Of course you can- these women are loonies.

Circs: Can we talk about the heart thing? So I just watched that part, and my four-year-old son happened to have gotten out of bed and was watching with me when that part happened (I know, I know, send me to #prison). He made me rewind to the heart part several times so he could try and figure out what it was. “I think it’s just a big pile of ketchup,” he said. God, kids are stupid.

I couldn’t believe it when Ashley S. got out of the limo and looked around like she couldn’t see Chris at first. It was embarrassing for everyone involved, including myself.

I couldn’t believe it when a human woman put an airplane seatbelt around Chris.

I couldn’t believe the feedback on the cruise singer’s portable music system.

I couldn’t believe the women were arguing over what color a life jacket is.

The Evster: One of the ladies was a real estate agent.

ZWR: I’d put her in escrow if you know what I mean! (I don’t know what escrow is)

Girl most likely to eat her pizza with a fork and knife
ZWR: I don’t have an answer here, I just wanted to tell everyone that it’s never right to eat pizza with a fork and knife!

Circs: The pro wrestler. Because she’s a goddamned lady.

The Evster: I would pay top dollar to watch Bo eat a meatball hoagie.

ZWR: I was going to say that she’s the least likely to eat her pizza with a fork and knife because “she ain’t got time for that” but deleted it because I didn’t know if it sounded mean.

The Evster: I fully support plus-sized women and women who eat hoagies and women who will take valid american currency in exchange for kicking me in the throat.

ZWR: Now I want an Italian Diablo.

srsly Primo's let's work something out

Okay that made no sense but I liked it
ZWR: Why the hell are they on a red carpet? Why is that one scumbag standing behind Harrison the whole time? Are the people professional Bachelor alumni? Why am I watching this there's no way I can stay up three hours OMG is pudgy Chantal going to be here?! CLARE HOLDING A BABY LIKE IT'S THE STANLEY CUP YES PLEASE!

Circs: Ashley S. and the pomegranate. I love pomegranates too, Ash. No shame, gurl.

Also thought it was genuinely nice when Jesus helped that one girl (Carly?) get a rose.

The Evster: How Chris Harrison still has a job. On the red carps he asked Sean and Catherine when they might have children which is a huge no-no these days considering women have miscarriages ALL THE TIME and some dudes’ penises don’t work including someone I know very well who has a VERY NICE SIZED AND NORMALLY SHAPED penis (that sadly still doesn’t work).

Girl most likely to try a 360 while boogie boarding
ZWR: Jillian the news producer. Any chick who does chin-ups with giant weights strapped to her waist isn't happy to just be riding waves like a doof. This chick would try the 360, hit it on the first go, and the curse out the ocean.

Circs: Hey Zooey, I don’t know what this means. But my answer is Brittany because that’s a name I think a couple of girls had.

ZWR: Good approach. Now watch this:



The Evster: Did Jillian the news producer make it to the next round? I can’t remember. This is a sincere honest question that I hope one of you will answer.

Girl most likely to boink while listening to a playlist she made for boinking that’s just filled with awful boinking songs
ZWR: Amanda the ballet teacher. She's straight nuts. You'd be pumpin' it to some D'Angelo and then all of a sudden Spice Girls would come on and you'd be all "that's weird" then after that would be a song from Les Mis or some ish and you'd be like "BRB" and run home in your boxers.

Circs: Ashley S. and the Pomegranates!!

The Evster: Britt (even though she’s definitely a virgj). Her playlist is probably filled with songs about love and feelings and happy healthy disgusting babies -- aka the type of stuff that has NO PLACE in a full-throttle boinking sesh (regardless of whether or not a man has a fully functioning penis).