Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Not Quite a Snow Day #BACHCAP

“Well of course she did that” moment of the ep
ZWR: Kardashian Virgin gave Chris the giantest, sloppiest, face-eating kiss ever and then immediately after it was over, in the same breath, blurted out, "Seriously, like, you don't even know."

The Evster: Jillian flexing and kissing her "bi's" (insider weightlifting term for biceps) after she won the mud run. I've had enough of the kissing your bi's move. It's time for something new. Like spitting on your bi's or biting them or chaining them to a radiator and making them drink out of a water bowl.


Circs: Juelia (Juelia? still a shock every time) said “I mean, the reality is, there is [sic] fourteen girls here.” I can think of two potential reasons Juelia’s husband might have killed himself, and both of them are contained in the previous sentence.

Situation I would have handled most differently of the ep
ZWR: Instead of macking on the ladies I'd have asked Jueleeeyia to talk about her dead husband some more.

The Evster: When the women were asked to put together their own tents I would have drowned myself in the lake.

Circs: Instead of being on this show I would have chosen not to be on this show.

ZWR: Bazooks spittin da harshness. Let's take a Bobby Brown Break:

Whoa man, stock’s going up...
ZWR: While Kardashian Virgin was stomping around in her bobo dress throwing a fit, some lady was just sitting there eating a giant corn on the cob. I have no idea who it was, and no way of ever finding out, but her stock surely is going up.

The Evster: During “Scenes From The Next,” they showed Chris and some lady having one of the STEAMIEST makeout seshes of all time. Honestly, the way the lady gasped as Chris was kissing her neck and slowwwwwwwwwwly untied his drawstring was supes dupes KLUPES erotic (yeah I said it!) and I rewound and watched it over and over and have not had (legit caveman-style) sex with my wife in well over six(teen) years.

Circs: Awww Jillian. She cried and made herself vulnerable. And those dirty jokes! I underestimated her! (But the jokes were bad and in poor taste.)

ZWR: God I wish she would have slapped a full nelson on him when he told her she wasn’t getting a rose.

Oh man, stock’s going down…
ZWR: That chick who looks like Olive Oyl. Man, what a miserab on the group date at the lake. I was so happy when that bee stung her. Frankly, it's not like her stock was too high to begin with (she's boring AF) but still what a crap effort.

The Evster: The Walt Disney corporation. That whole Cinderella advertising sequence during the show was downright insulting. We carve out two hours of our precious lives every week and that's what they give us? It's disrespectful. You don't see me promoting TV My Wife Watches (one word) dot com on this site even though it provides more in-depth Bach posts (including curse words like #tit!) and the finest in homoerotic entertainment. Check it out sometime. Here's a link. Here's another. Do you like sports? I've got another site for you to check out. Walt Disney was a genius. And a Nazi?

ZWR: Oh man that reminds me the Nag and WAH are going on a little girls-only trip to Disney World next week and I'm stuck at home with WAH 2.0 who is literally the biggest blockhead in the history of life someone please come stay with me.

Circs: Awww Jillian. I am intensely embarrassed for you.

Girl most likely to name a snowman Kale
ZWR: None of these imbeciles can build a snowman!

Circs: Vicki Vale.

The Evster: Take a look at all the salad dressing in our work refrigerator.

Photo Credit: This moron

BBP (Best Boinker Prediction)
ZWR: No real surprise here, but I'm going with Kaitlyn. I get the impression she's pretty adventurous if you know what I mean (I don't even know what I mean). Also factoring into this election is my assumption that Kaitlyn would be the best post-boink. I imagine she’s the least likely to be all, “Let’s cuddle and look at each other awkwardly” and most likely to be all, “Dude you want to go get nachos?” Now don't get me wrong, the ladies, we like cuddling with you. We just like nachos more.

The Evster: I’m going with Jade. She’s sweet, charming and looks nothing like the type of woman who'd sleep with me.

Circs: Is Jade still on this show? Oh yes, Jade! I mean, my guess would be the crazy girl except I still think she’s not actually crazy and is being paid excessive amounts of sizzling hot freshly minted euros to play this role.

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