Tuesday, February 3, 2015

#BACHCAP (Day After Super Bowl Episode)

zOMG Chris is the worst mome of ep
ZWR: Probably the time they were on the group date and everyone was mad that the crazy drunk lady came back. When the lunatic virgin that wants to be a Disney Princess confronted him about it he listened to her rather than stuffing her into a t-shirt cannon and shooting her off into the night. That was a key lapse in judgement, and leads me to believe he’s the worst.


Circs: I’m watching now, and it just happened, and as soon as it happened I knew it was the mome of the ep that would most make me think he was the worst. And it’s when he and Carly are with the “love guru” and they admit they’re uncomfortable and he explains it by saying, “Some things are worth waiting for.” Okay, look. Even though this date was the best thing that’s ever happened on this show, I can understand why they would be uncomfortable. The reason they are uncomfortable is that they are being forced into a sexual situation AND they have another person watching them. And though that COULD be a suuuuuper hot experience, when you don’t know how the other person is feeling about it, it’s not insane to imagine that it would feel weird. Hey, you know what ISN’T the reason they were uncomfortable? “Some things are worth waiting for.” Nope. Way to say some words that sound like something but don’t mean shit, Chris. And we already know Chris sleeps with some of the women on this show, so I’m not buying his “we should wait” act. He’s just dumb and thought that would sound good.

ZWR: Pro Tip to the kids out there: Don’t wait for anything. You could die tomorrow. Except for graduating college. Wait for that as long as possible. In fact, don’t ever leave. Fail one or two classes per semester on purpose and then drop your summer classes due to some made-up conflict. The real world is awful. People microwave fish in office break rooms these days.

The Evster: When Carly was telling Chris (the farmer, not Harrison) that her ex-boyf never went down on her, Chris should've just (Editor's note: can't say that) her right in the (can't say that either). He shoulda just grabbed her hair, spit on his own chest and (don’t know why anyone would do that to another person) while (that's not even a move) her shins until they both passed out in a pool of (you’ve got to be kidding me) and (that actually sounds pretty hot, thanks for the #tip, Evster).

ZWR: Evan, you’re worth waiting for.

Girl most likely to buy the plastic green can of parmesan when you put “parm” on the shopping list and not get why that was wrong
ZWR: I made a bunch of meatballs on Friday night because I thought my neighbor was coming over with her kid but then they didn’t. So I’ve had three meatball sandwiches since Friday. They are soooooo good. And you can bet your booty shorts I was rocking that good WHOLE FOODS (#sponsored) parm and fresh moooootzarell on those jawns.

Circs: I ate a bunch of different kinds of #cheeses today.

ZWR: Stop flirting with me.

The Evster: I've always been a fan of Jarlsberg. Very underrated #cheese.

I hate myself for watching this show
ZWR: Pretty much every moment of the entire episode. I just bought a new book, and should have been reading it. You know-- stimulating my brain, learning historical lessons, considering fresh perspectives, appreciating the art of good writing. NOPE! I’m watching some dope slurp faces with a GIRL WHO SLEEPS WITH MAKE UP ON in a hot air balloon.

ABC laid it on thick early with the “girls thinking New Mexico was a beach town” thing but that’s a false flag EVERYTHING about this show is a testament to how non-redemptive modern day America has become. I hate myself.

Circs: Jordan showing up at the group date. This reeks of Chris Harrison, that slimy piece of sh*t.

The Evster: I hate myself for a lot of reasons, and watching the show does not even crack the top 100.

Way to get sexy, ___________
ZWR: Britt!!! Got right to huskin that corn!!! Made some corn chowder!!! Creamed corn indeed!!! (Editor’s Note: Can’t say that!)

Circs: New Mexico. So many blankets in this episode!

The Evster: Circs! I see you, lady. Way into that tantric sex stuff. I’ve dabbled into some different types of eroticism myself and I can tell you firsthand that #cheese can be a VERY powerful afrodeej.

ZWR: /pictures his NCAA basketball broadcast partner getting deep into the tantric, takes bite of bagel

Click Image to watch/listen to entire game broadcast

Bro you have no chance, ___________
ZWR: There’s no way of finding out her name, but probably that girl who doesn’t feel pretty or desired. I don’t want to make light of her emotional struggles, it’s just more that she doesn’t seem like much fun.

Circs: Clearly Kelsey. She makes me supremely uncomfortable (and this was written BEFORE the panic attack and all that bullshit at the end!). She’s a secret not-so-secret super awkward attention whore person who DEFINITELY murdered her own husband and I hate her.

The Evster: Kale. Your mother is level 9 bing-bong bonkers. Last week, she was jealous of Kardash for being an innocent (aka borrrrrinnnnnggggggg) virgj, and last night she was sad because her husband’s heart never exploded all over a sidewalk. Also, what is she, like, 9? She’s like, 9.

ZWR: Yo that one chick is nuts I agree with bazooks she totally killed her husband someone get Sarah Koenig on the phone.


I love myself for watching this show
ZWR: Three words: Britt Boink Sesh. Chris’s closing those doors was a mack moment.

Circs: “Britt...sleeps in all her makeup. She actually puts makeup on before she goes to sleep, just in case.” Perfection.

The Evster: The wailing that accompanied that panic attack. I love a good wailing. LOVE IT.


  1. That's smoked mozzeralla not fresh mozz! THIS SITE IS A LIE

    also "loaf"? I don't know if I'd buy cheese in loaf format.

  2. omg mozeralla? what kind of moronic spelling is that? I RETRACT MY STATEMENT YOUR HONOR.

  3. Does the fact that Britt doesn't shower make her any less attractive?

  4. Does the fact that Britt doesn't shower make her any less attractive?

  5. Answer my damn question!!!!
    (No idea why it posted twice, I think your site is busted)

    1. Dude, Britt's the worst and despite being cosmetically pretty she's not even close to attractive.


      (can't imagine anyone agrees with me)


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