Tuesday, February 24, 2015

#BACHCAP: Kaitlyn Deserves Better

See, this is why he should have kept __________
Sara Circs: Carly. She was funny and these women are NOT INTERESTING.

ZWR: Gonna let Bazooka mom run the point on this one and agree with her. Carly was peaking-- BLOSSOMING, if you will-- into her role and then old buckethead booted her. Luckily, Kaitlyn is still around to provide any sort of personality. Oh, wait.

Evster: Anyone who is not a virgin. You're the Bach, you have a golden opportunity to have #sex with THREE WOMEN who are not your wife, and yet you kept a lady who has never slurp’d n burp’d before? #COME #ON.

ZOINKS, didn’t see that coming
ZWR: I actually didn’t see anything until about 8:47, my (provider not getting any free advertising, yo) satellite receiver wasn’t working properly. But once I got the DirecTV jawn up and running I saw Chris just sitting there like a sweaty doof, saying literally nothing of significance and I totally saw that coming.

Sara Circs: I saw everything coming. Except maybe Chris stifling a laugh when Becca told him she was a virge. Oh shit spoke too soon def did not see him booting Kaitlyn coming.

Evster: Whitney’s yammers. For a slender woman she’s got some #cannot #say #that.

“Welp, she’s insane” moment of ep
ZWR: Full disclaimer: This isn’t fair. It’s judgy, and petty, and likely wrong. Got it? I don’t condone the type of thinking that leads me to say what I’m about to say. Here goes…

Dude Whitney is insane I can just see it in her face when she’s around the other women and any of them do anything; she pretends to be sweet but has an inferno of hate raging inside of her and she will, mark my words, be the least fun of any of the final five (last night’s three, Britt and Carly… they may not even be the final five no way of looking it up) to be in a serious relationship with. You totally can’t call her from a work happy hour and say you’re going to stay out drinking with your buds and not incur at least twelve days of passive aggressive looks. How the final five would respond to that exact scenario:

Becca: fall asleep like the most boring person ever (win)
Kaitlyn: come drink with you and then go out for tacos (win)
Britt: not shower (loss, but she’s still a smoke show somehow)
Carly: internalize it but then boink your face off once you came home to set things right in her head (win)

Sara Circs: Boringly, I don’t find any of these women to seem insane. Becca seems dumb tho.

Evster: Whitney telling Chris that she's "just ready to have babies." Clam down, woman. Sure, it's exciting to have children, and they do some hilarious stuff (I once saw my 5-yr-old neighbor Wesley throw a cheeseburger at a dog), but eventually all children become teenagers who hump their beds and curse out their moms and make fun of me at Supercuts even though bald spots are TOTALLY NORMAL FOR 37-YEAR-OLD JEWISH MEN, CLIFFORD.

ZWR: You booted Kaitlyn? You SRSLY got rid of Kaitlyn?! Becca seems like a very nice person, and I don’t care if she’s a virj frankly, but neither of those donkeys is as cool as Kaitlyn. I mean, it’s not even close. CONSPIRACY THEORY TIME: ABC came to Chris, and was like “Bro none of these relationships work out do us a solid and ditch Kait so that she can be the Bachelorette?”

Sara Circs: Chris Harrison, in a one-on-one convo with Chris, said, “We haven’t really talked about Whitney. So am I to assume...you’re in love with this girl?” Safe assumption, Chris Harrison. When you don’t talk about someone, it probs means you’re in love with that person. I mean, you guys don’t see me talking about @meechone around here, do you?

Evster: Srsly, did Chris and the virgj boink? I'm still not sure. I know she said something that led us to believe that she was ready to boink, but she can't possibly have boinked for the first time on a nationally televised game show only days after the guy who was supposed to boink her boinked two other women. Srsly.

ZWR: I asked my wife if she thought Becca was a “blirgin” and she kind of maybe laughed.

ZWR: Nothing that I enjoyed happened in last night’s episode, except maybe for monkeys biting Chris. Do you guys watch Better Call Saul? That show is bananas! So good. I wish it came on earlier, though. Betsy Kettleman tweeted me the other night!


Sara Circs: They srsly made those poor ladies wear Balinese getups to receive roses and/or get dumped.

Evster: AGAIN with the holding hands, Chris?! Have you learned NOTHING?!? When Chris and the virgj came back from their rose ceremony chat with their hands clasped, ugh, what a slap in the face to the other women. I know this show's bread ‘n butter is crushing the souls of sweet, innocent people, but geez louize Harrison you make $45 milly a year, would it kill you to advise your trusty farm boy not to be a certifiable d**k?! And no I haven’t seen Better Call Saul yet. But I have seen Bojack Horseman. (great show!)

Predictions for next week
ZWR: I’m thinking Chris is going to pick Whitney (whose character I’ve so unfairly questioned), and everyone is going to feel super sad for Becca because the poor girl is so nice and vulnerable and I mean it’s just going to be ugly. Oh wait, that’s my prediction for two weeks from now. I’m not rewriting this.

Sara Circs: Britt suffocates Carly with her hair!

Evster: Next week is the Women Tell All ep so I’m guessing Chris Harrison will show up with the same boring hairstyle that he’s had for the last 11 years. YO F***THAT GUY.

NOTE: Please follow Evan and Sara on Twitter if you don't already. They're really funny and cool and nice. 


  1. Carly or Kaitly for Bachelorette? They should really both do it. First ever double bachelorette. They both date the same men and then talk about how dumb they all are. I would watch that show.
    If Whitney gets the boot, I could see them picking her to be the next bachelorette. I don't think she's that boring, but I think she's getting the boring edit.
    Whose voice is more annoying, Whitney or Becca? Whitney's is nasal and squeaky and stuff, but Becca does that talking without really opening her mouth thing, and I think it's way more annoying.

    1. These are really really excellent observations, Corinne. And I def think they should double down with Carly AND Kaitlyn as the next Bach. They'd have so much fun, high fiving all the time and stuff.

    2. Here's the deal with Whitney's voice: She is covering up a Kentucky/Appalachian accent. She's a nurse from Chicago, but she was born in Kentucky. She probably would not have been hired in a Midwestern metro area with an Appalachian accent. Re-watch the segment when she met Chris' dopey friends at that bar in Des Moines. She was a little tipsy, and you could here the accent slip out.

  2. I'm surprised that you are all surprised that Kaitlyn got booted. Maybe I take this show too seriously (a sad prospect), but they had next to nothing in common. They both knew it. What surprised me was that she kept pretending to be into him. She was never going to go live on a farm with those tats.

    Whitney and Becca are super boring, but I'm pretty sure one of them will be #bachelorette. A virj bachelorette? That's ABC gold. And Whitney is super wholesome and stuff so ABC'll eat that shit up, too.

    What I do know is now that Carly, Britt, and Kaitlyn are gone (not to mention Kelsey), this show puts me to sleep. Did you see Chris's outtake at the end? That's the funniest footage they have of him to show? Jesus. At least next week is #womentellall which should hopefully be bonks.


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