Tuesday, February 17, 2015

#BACHCAP: Snow Day Edish (w/ Pics of Frank the Cat!!!)

So, what did we miss on Sunday I didn't watch?
ZWR: No idea bruh I was watching SNL. My wife looked it up, we had this exchange:

Nag: "He took Jade on a one-on-one."
Me: "Which one is that?"
Nag: "Dark hair."
Me: (blank stare)
Nag: "From Nebraska."
Me: (blank stare)
Nag: (sigh) "Playboy."
Me: "Aaaaaaaaah, Jade!"

The Evster: I didn’t watch either but I am currently watching King of Queens because I am writing this while babysitting for my next door neighbors and they had it on when I got here. The mom, Bridget, had to run out to the airport to pick up her husband and left me here with her three kids: Irene (5), Marion (2) and Carter (1!). They're currently sleeping, but if they wake up I’ve been instructed to bring them downstairs to play with trucks and/or watch TV with them. I hate trucks and hopefully they love KoQ. Part of me is downright terrified they'll wake up and another part of me really really really wants them to so I'll have something interesting to blog about here. By the way, King of Queens is NOT the worst TV show in the world and this lady keeps yelling at Paul Blary to tuck in his shirt lol it’s just like real lyfe!

Sara Circs: It’s weird that Bridget forbade you to change the channel while she was gone, Evster. Guys I'm only a few mins into the Monday night episode (and also typing this on a phone) and there's no chance I'm going to make it through the whole thing. But on Sunday night the notable thing that happened was that Britt (whom I now admit Ev was right about) was throwing a fit because Chris gave the group date rose to Kaitlyn. And that wasn't even the most objectionable thing she did on the episode! I also became an even bigger fan of Carly's--she is one of the few people who have ever been on this show I could envision hanging out with. OH--has anyone noticed how twitchy Chris’s face gets when a girl is talking seriously to him?

How could you kiss someone when there are alligators around?
ZWR: The answer is “oh my god you can’t!” Alligators scare the crap out of me I can’t watch survivor shows when they’re in swamps, either. No thank you.

The Evster: That’s a very very very good questch. Partially because alligators are terrifying, but mostly because who the hell kisses these days? I cannot remember the last time I actually kissed a human. OMG I think I just heard a noise upstairs. Also OMG Jerry Stiller is on this show?!

Sara Circs: Better questch: how could you not?

ZWR: If an alligator eats you?

Worst Family
ZWR: Whitney’s, easily. Kaitlyn’s was cool, as expected, and had beautiful plantation shutters. Becca’s was pretty awful, but it’s understandable because their local park has alligators in it. Jade’s was amazing in many regards: didn’t even empty the mailbox, #horse quilts, THAT BROTHER. Whitney’s sister, on the other hand, was just awful in every regard. I bet she'd make a fun sister-in-law, if you hate Thanksgiving and Christmas and want to have a brother-in-law that boinks prosto's every chance he gets.

The Evster: Turns out it was just the furnace blasting which is a TERRIFYING noise that sounds a lot like a baby blowing up. What if their baby blew up? What if they left me here to watch their three precious children and their baby blew up?

“Hey Evan, we’re back. Did everything go okay?”

Yeahhhhhh, ummmm, about that...

“What? Did Carter wake up?”

Ummmmmm, no. No. He definitely didn’t wake up.

“Well that’s good.”

Yeah that’s good. That’s definitely good. I’d call that pretty good. It’s just that he, uhhhhh, it’s just that heeeee…


Ummmm, yes. Yes. He cried. He cried once. He cried like once. One really loud cry.

“Well I don’t hear him crying now.”

Nope. Nope. Nope nope nope, he’s not crying now. He is NOT crying now. The crying is over. So that’s a positive. Chalk that one up in the positive column lol. Pros and cons, amiright lol.

“So what’s the probl--”


“Were they hungry?"


“Well what, Evan?”

Funny story actually. Really funny story. You guys took high school chemistry, right? By the way, great episode of King of Queens here. Really funny ep. Carrie has to go to this work function, right? And she needs the mall cop to tuck his shirt in, but you know mall cops, aw man, that guy, like he’s gonna...

“Evan. What happened to our son?

He blew up. Your child blew up. Your baby child who I was supposed to be caring for blew up and now he’s blown up. Possibly because of the furnace. Possibly just blew up. You can never tell these days. No but seriously I don’t even know which child it was to be honest. They might all be dead. On a positive note, pretty good blog post this week. There’s a question about alligators! You guys know Sara Circs, right?

Sara Circs: Like I said, I'm only one date in, but it's gotta be Becca's family and their support of her disgusting virgin lyfestyle I'M KIDDING IT'S FINE (but gross) TO BE A VIRGIN (BUT FINE AND BEAUTIFUL IN A WAY).

Evster, how's Frank???❤️
ZWR: I need to know. I love him!

The Evster: That’s my cat for all of you out there who have no idea what Zoo is talking about. And he’s great. Absolutely great. Recently, we (my wife and I, not Frank and I) went to my mother’s house for dinner and she (my mother, not my wife) gave us a ball of yarn to bring home for Frank and she was SO excited about it. Like, SO EXCITED to give us a stupid ball of yarn. Turns out it’s the perfect gift (oh you’re such a cliché, Frank!) and Frank’s favorite move is to pick up the yarn Paul Orndorf-style and piledrive it down onto our floor. Then he bites the yarn and rolls around on his belly and I love him so much and he’s also kind of an a**hole. I think I’m gonna go take a pee upstairs and see if I can wake these kids up.

Sara Circs: He really is so cute and I can't believe how much he takes after you.

I genuinely enjoyed ______ ______ing _______
ZWR: Carly talking mad crap on Britt … eleven seconds before she got the boot, too. Carly was really growing on me of late with the singer stinger zings, but karma kicked her right in the singing stinging zinging butt (I’m so sorry).

The Evster: Britt crying bloody murder. I know that’s not right. I know it’s legitimately #rude to laugh at a grown woman crying on a curb, but I loved every single second of it. I’ve loathed Britt from the start. Her 47-minute-hug during week one remains the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen on this show and her smoky eye keeps getting more and more out of control every week. I’m fully convinced that if she stuck around for another ep she'd be lookin’ like John Randle. This is the easiest babysitting assignment of my life. Possibly the first, too. These children are angels. Dead, roasted, perfectly silent little angels.

Sara Circs: Whitney taking Chris to the masturbatorium. But only because as the camera panned across the room, we heard Chris’s voice-over describe it by saying, "Playboys everywhere," and we can see that there is literally one modest stack of magazines on the table and that's it. I dunno. I found that comical, like Chris is basically normal and boring except he’s wildly sensitive to adult materials and can’t help but blow them out of proportion. Was proud of him for making the “bust my balls” joke, though. I’m sorry everything I talk about is sex-related. I think I need attention and would love to get a DM from somebody today.

Good job Harrison
ZWR: Is he a Disney nephew or something?

The Evster: Have you ever?

Sara Circs: Never! Chris did a good job of telling the girls there wasn’t going to be a cocktail party and then getting paid half a million dollars.

ZWR: That time Jade’s brother woke up the morning he knew ABC was filming an episode of a prime time mega-hit show IN HIS LIVING ROOM and decided to groom that goatee. Wowzers.

The Evster: I thought it was super erotic when Jade showed Whathisface her naked pics and he is such a prude and totally deserves a virgj. Speaking of virgins, I think I’m done babysitting these little virgins. Bye bye, virgins. Bye bye bye.

Sara Circs: Dr. Spock says it’s perfectly normal for young children to be virgins until well into their 15th year. (I’m sorry I need so much attention.)


  1. I would like to state for the record that I did not write that I was going to take a "pee" upstairs, I wrote that I was going to take a piss but Zoo changed it because he's a prude.

  2. That's true. But I left in the part a about the baby dying.

  3. I also corrected your misspelling of "they're" in your opening paragraph you fat pig.

  4. It's so embarrassing that we're the only ones commenting

  5. Evan, your cat is adorbs, and I don't normally like cats. Also: enjoying Britt's meltdown was last night's national pastime, pretty sure.

    I feel like the three left standing are actually all reasonably decent people, which is fairly shocking. Gotta root for Becca, though, just for the element of surprise/ZOMG she's a virgin.


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