Tuesday, February 10, 2015

#BACHCAP: South Dakota and Whatnot

This guy’s head may seriously be filled with nothing but rocks and candy moment of the ep
ZWR: I can’t totally fault the giant box of muscle and testosterone for this, but in commenting on his solo date with Becca he said, “She looked smoking hot riding that #horse!” We get it, she’s straddling something with her legs apart and her boobs are bouncing. You’re imagining her on top of you during a boink sesh- all perfectly natural and acceptable- but to say she’s “smoking hot” at that moment is just an extra frat bro high five. Not needed.

The Evster: Chris Chris Chris Chris Chris. Why -- I SAY, WHY? -- would you hold hands with Britt when you returned to the group date? WHYYYY? You KNEW that was going to infuriate the other women! Have you never met a woman before?! Have you never met a woman?! I have literally never met a woman before, and yet even I knew that was a horrible move. In other news, as I was typing this paragraph my cat CLIMBED A WALL. He just jumped up a wall and CLIMBED IT. Have you ever seen a cat climb a wall? IT IS F***ING INSANE.

ZWR: He totally walked back into that group date with a “holy crap I’m in so much trouble” look on his face. There’s no telling whether his brain was processing anything, mind you, but he looked as if he knew he was in for it.

Circs: I mean, the obvs moment is when he told Kelsey that Ashley was talking serious trash about her (LOL! Chris have you never met a woman?!), but what about when he told an ALREADY blubbering, mucusy Ashley that he didn’t want to be the first to perforate her sacred membrane (believe that was a direct quote)? ON THE OTHER HAND, Chris did not give a [can I say that word?] about either of these women, to the point where he literally helicoptered them to a place called THE BADLANDS, presumably like “where can I dump these bitches,” and stranded them with only each other to spit on. Okay, lolz Chris, joke’s on us. You my boy.

Girl most likely to send you an Evite
ZWR: There was a girl eliminated at the rose ceremony - brunette, attractive, straight hair, plastic boobs- that I had no idea had been on the show all season long. I have no way of looking up her name, but it was pretty crazy. The Nag and I shouted, at the same time, “Who the hell is that?!”

The Evster: Britney. Or Whitney. The one with the really high voice. I feel like I don’t even need to explain why because it’s such an obvious choice. This question is insulting.

ZWR: Yo, Britney was throwing some serious side eye shade last night.

Circs: Actually just received an Evite from Kelsey for her community theater production of The Wind in the Willows. Guess she hasn’t gotten the Evite about Paperless Post yet lol.

Dude, how cool is _______
ZWR: Carly right now? She was the Waldorf and Statler of the episode, dishing straight zingers at every turn. I mean, yeah, she had an emotional breakdown and all but whatevs- I appreciated her humor.

I also appreciate the girls in the house celebrating like a team that had just won the World Series when they found out Kelsey was gone.

The Evster: It when you order a milkshake at a diner and they bring you one of those giant metal cups? It makes the milkshake taste so much better and so much colder and it’s literally the only time you ever get to drink out of a giant metal vessel. I’m 37 years old, and I’m just now realizing that there is NO REASON why I shouldn’t have a state-of-the-art milkshake maker (complete with metal cups) in my home. I have a wild beast who lives with me and climbs my walls, and yet I don’t have a milkshake maker? My life is a failure.

Circs: This Groupon Goods Color-Changing LED Showerhead?!?!?!?!!!

I can’t stop thinking about it.

OMG, how dumb is ________
ZWR: Oh I guess I’m supposed to talk about real life stuff here? If so, then my answer is water chestnuts. How dumb are water chestnuts? I hate them. I don’t even order kung pao anymore because they just hide their below the surface like submarines ready to torpedo my meal. HATE. So dumb.

The Evster: Having a wallet chain hanging off your belt. One of those Big and Mitch guys had one, I’m not sure who, Big or Mitch, but he couldn’t even run down the street without holding his pants. My cat is currently eating a shoe.

Circs: Everything except that goddamned showerhead.

Ooooooooh uh-uh girrrrl no you didn’t moment of the ep
ZWR: Dude no brainer it’s when Kardashian Virgin told husband murderer that she went to a better graduate school. I was like, “OOOOOOOHHH UH-UH GIRL NO YOU DIDN’T!”

The Evster: It has to be Ashley telling Chris (the farmer, not the host who apparently didn’t make it to South Dakotes?) that Kelsie was fake. Has to be. That’s an “Oooooooooh uh-uh girrrrl no you didn’t” first ballot hall of famer. Also my neighbor Bridget came over to watch tonight and wore LEGGINGS. Oooooooooh uh-uh girrrrl no you dih-ehnnt!

Circs: It was Chris telling Kelsey that Ashley said she was fake! Except I’ve already been over this and it was secretly brilliant and amazing.

Girl most likely to have murdered her dead husband
ZWR: I’m not going to say who I think it is because then she’ll kill me.

The Evster: I feel like Mackenzie’s ex-huzz is lying in a ditch somewhere, and nobody knows it but her.

ZWR: Remember that Tony Rich banger Nobody Knows? Straight banger. For about a month every night before I went to bed I’d turn to my roommate and sing “Tomorrow mornin’, I’m hittinda dusty road!” because I was so very stupid still am in fact.

Circs: Actually agree--Mackenzie is one kid-named-after-a-vegetable away from a dead husband spree.

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