Monday, February 2, 2015

Super Bowl Report Card (w/ @DangerGuerrero and @TVMWW)


Quarterback
ZWR: Holy crap those dancing sharks!!! That was the greatest moment in Super Bowl history by far, just ahead of the time that TO poured a Gatorade bucket all over himself the moment he realized he’d be holding out after the game. Grade: Dancing Sharks Forever

The Evster: Have you guys seen this picture of Touchdown Tom-o-Rama from the 2000 NFL Combine?




It’s amazing that a dude who spent four years (five, maybe? redshirt?) at the University of Michigan with access to the finest in weight training facilities could have left that school with the same wet noodle chest that I have -- and go on to become the greatest quarterback in the history of football not named Warren Moon. Also, don’t tell me that Warren Moon was not the best quarterback of all time. The king of the moon balls! Funny how it worked out that way. Grade: A+

DG: I think they should have left Katy Perry’s trippy tilting LED stage on the field for the entire second half. Grade: A




Running Backs
ZWR: I mean, if I were a billionaire I would just buy every prop and set from the halftime show and put it in a new wing of my mansion and spend at least a few hours a day in there. “Honey, I’m going to be riding the The More You Know star to the beach for a while! Pat Burrell and Mike Richards are coming over, too. They’re going to be the sharks.”

I absolutely must go to a Katy Perry concert that was amazing in real life she lives in my dreams. Grade: In Love

The Evster: Shane Vareen had 11 catches last night. That’s a lotta catches! Grade: A

DG: There’s a parallel universe out there somewhere where the Seahawks win that game and Marshawn Lynch commandeers Katy Perry’s giant golden tiger from the halftime show and starts riding it around the field like he did with the injury cart the one time when he was in college. Grade: A


Receivers
ZWR: Doug Baldwin celebrated a touchdown by pretending to poop out the football. For the last two weeks I’ve heard a lot of people saying that it was hard for them to pick a rooting side in this Super Bowl, and I wanted to smack each and every one of them in the face. This couldn’t have been easier, unless the kids from the Sandlot were playing ISIS. The Seahawks have neon uniforms and defenders who bash your brains in and Marshawn Lynch trolling the media and the best trash talkers and, now, a guy who celebrates a monumental life achievement by squatting down and pretending to poop. Gronk is the only likable Patriot. He should demand a trade to Seattle.

Also, that said, everyone just shut up about the Patriots cheating they’re historically good and you’re just bitter. It’s the NFL there are no morals I actually admire the alleged cheating. Grade: Poop

The Evster: Most incredible sporting achievements I’ve seen in my life:

  1. Spike Albrecht scoring 17 points in the first half vs. Louisville in the 2013 NCAA Final. DUDE WENT SO BONKS HE ASKED OUT KATE UPTON AFTER DA GAME.
  2. Miguel Cabrera winning the goddamn Triple Crown. HOW ARE WE STILL NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS? HE LED THE LEAGUE IN EVERY STATISTICAL CATEGORY. EVERY ONE. RYAN HOWARD HONESTLY STRIKES OUT SO MUCH.
  3. Wes Hopkins punching a guy in the brain.
  4. Manute Bol doing anything.
  5. That dude on the Seahawks who had never caught a pass before, like, EVER, catching four passes including a tuddy and I obviously still don’t know his name but whatever dude get over yourself where the hell were you all year?!

Grade: A+

DG: One of the weirdest parts of the game was that the two best wide receivers were a dude who was working at Foot Locker last month and Julian Edelman who (a) was drafted in the 7th round, (b) was playing with a probable brain injury, and (c) may actually be former Patriots running back Danny Woodhead (still crunching the numbers on this). Meanwhile, the Eagles gave Riley Cooper $20 million. Neat.

Also, uhhh, ahem, Evster? Think your list is missing something, pal.


ZWR: And this!!!


Defense
ZWR: I grew up rooting for Buddy Ryan’s Eagles, who would form an impromptu dance tunnel alongside an opponent who was being carted off the field. At least twice a month I text “Dude remember the bodybag game” and “They brought the house, we brought the pain” to my friends. Imagine how much better that would have been if Eric Allen was taunting Darrell Green while we were on offense or if Wes Hopkins hurdled the line of scrimmage to block kicks. Also, I guess, if they won a playoff game. I don’t even know the point of that other than Seattle is so cool and I was rooting for them because it’s in my blood. I mean, seriously, people were thinking about rooting for New England?! That makes no sense. Grade: Buddy’s Watching You

AP Photo

The Evster: Zoo, the only part of this game that you’ve actually talked about so far was that dude pretending to take a smash in the end zone. And yet, the game was decided on an unbelievable interception by a rookie who BLASTED another grown man whilst taking the ball away from him. What a game. What a play. No idea what that rookie’s name was. Get over yourself, rookie! Grade: A+

DG: The battle between defensive masterminds ended at 28-24, with at least two more scores left on the field due to red zone interceptions. Defense is stupid. Put nine wideout on the field and open it up. Grade: Pointz

Coaches
ZWR: “OMG they should have run it they have Marshawn Lynch… “ oh shut up who cares because (a) they won a Super Bowl last year, (b) being nutso is how they got there, (c) they never should have beaten Green Bay and lead pretty charmed lives regardless of the outcome, and (d) they already won the war when Doug Baldwin pretended to poop in the endzone. Grade: WHO CARES

The Evster: I understand that it’s exciting to have Gatorade® dumped all over you, but that had to be sooooooooo uncomfortable for Bill Bellies to hug people with that heavy, sticky, disgusting weirdo sweatshirt. I can’t eat two buffalo wings without needing at least 37 napkins. I eat wings at an 18/5 wing/napkin clip, and always end up with soooooooo many napkins in my pockets. I feel like there has to be one person out there reading this who is like ME TOO, EVSTER. I END UP WITH SO MANY NAPKINS IN MY POCKETS TOO. My wife hates me. Grade: I don’t even know what we’re grading here.

DG: Should have run the Ronnie Brown goal line shot put pass. Grade: B

Etc.
ZWR: I went to neighbor Ben’s and we spent a good hour trying to decide how to divvy up the wing order it was absurd. There are too many options on these menus, dammit. Here’s what the flavors should be: hot, medium, mild. Instead we got bogged down on if the last six should be mango honey habanero general tso’s jerk or mango honey habanero chipotle general tso’s jerk it was a debacle tbqh. Also, I had a meatball sandwich for lunch. Good day for food, yo.

Oh, and I fell asleep during the Patriots game-winning drive and Al Michaels woke me up yelling “touchdown”. I love sleep. I don’t get nearly enough of it.

The Evster: My wife went bonks and made two kinds of wings (buffs and teriyaks), chicken nachos, a coconut creme cake, choco chip cookies with Oreos INSIDE them, and a GODDAMN QUICHE. Grade: A foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

DG: I had a dynamic pulled pork sandwich during the game. Dear Lord. I put hot sauce on it and everything. I think I blacked out at one point. Until I woke up this morning and saw everyone talking about those dancing sharks, I was about 70% sure I hallucinated it during a pork vision. Grade: #GoEagles

From this article that mentions MEEEEEEEEE

No comments:

Post a Comment

Leave a comment, or whatever.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...