Tuesday, March 10, 2015

#BACHCAP: Finale!!!

Best farm
ZWR: I honestly have no idea how farming works. Corn grows in the snow? What was that thing they were shooting the plants into? Who do they sell their crops to? Like, farmers markets? How big is an acre? People still do this? Their houses looked nice, so there must be money in it. Maybe I should be a farmer. I can drive the crop catcher and grow snowcorn.

The Evster: Definitely not Chris. His farm had no goats, no cows, no drive-thru windows to pick up Tea-Cooler and TastyKakes on the way home from work, no baseball fields where ghosts can play, no cute little markets that sell jams and jellies and massive containers of maple syrup that are way too overpriced but still a must-buy because how often do you get a chance to pour maple syrup out of a rusty metal canister and only two horses.

ZWR: Good point Ev. Can it even technically be a farm without goats?

The Evster: No. No it cannot.

Sara Circs: Old MacDonald. Don’t waste my time.

Chris's family reminded me of ...
ZWR: His dad certainly reminded me of Arnold Palmer. He seemed very nice.

Sara Circs: I fast forwarded through most of his family, is that against the rules?

ZWR: Not at all I wish I did the same.

The Evster: Britt. So much hugging I wanted to #barf.

Ohmygod shut up
ZWR: Ohmygod shut the F up Harrison.

Ohmygod shut the double F up Whitney you're so annoying you just met these people stop hugging everyone and calling them "mom" and "pappy" and "sis" and "generic white BILs" and telling everyone you love them it's butt annoying. And stop acting like you adore everything! "Chris, you just took a sh*t on the living room floor I'm blessed to have this poop in my life our journey has led us here I can envision my life with this floor poop forever in my soul. I can’t wait to make BABY poops."


Ohmygod shut up Chris, Becca said she's falling in love with you it's been six weeks and you just smashed two other chicks she's allowed to treat this responsibly you dope.

Sara Circs: Chris’s mom, who really wanted to convince Becca she was in love with Chris, which is dumb and annoying.

The Evster: I agree that it was weird that Chris’s mom was trying to convince Becca that she was in love with her son, but I also thought that she was the most level-headed and interesting person they’ve ever had on this show (not including the horses they showed later in the ep). When she was like, “Dude” (and I’m paraphrasing here), “the only way to figure out if you’re in love with this mofo is to friggin’ go for it. Take three months off your stupid job in San Diegs, just like you did to get on this show, come out here, stir some isht up, eat some oatmeal, buy a couple goats, and see if it works. If it doesn’t, go back to your boring virgj lifestyle. But for now, let’s all snort coke and f*ck each oths.”

ZWR: Am I a lazy pig if I heard Becca voice concerns over what her job would be if she moved to Iowa and my first thought was, “I’d move to some dumb goatless farm and watch my idiot husband mow snowcorn if I didn’t have to go to work anymore”?

Another question: has anyone in the history of earth ever moved from San Diego to Iowa?

Fave mome of ep
ZWR: It came during After the Final Rose, and it went like this:

Harrison: How many of you want to see Britt as the next Bachelorette?
(43 people clap)
Harrison How many of you want to see Kaitlyn as the next Bachelorette?
(457 people roar)
(awkward pause)
(Harrison gives a speech clearly designed to tip off the fact that they’re going to have both Britt and Kaitlyn back, takes some time for audience to let that sink)
Harrison: Now how many of you want to see Britt as the next Bachelorette?
(18 people clap)
Harrison: How many of you want to see Kaitlyn as the next Bachelorette?
(482 people raise the roof).
(Harrison with the big reveal!!!)

Sara Circs: No one has ever been so relieved as Becca was when Chris dumped her. And no one has ever pretended so hard to be sad as Becca did in that post-dump limo. And no farmer has ever real-cried after dumping someone as deeply as Chris did post-dump. And no horse has ever [insert taking-a-dump-in-a-barn joke here].

The Evster: I thought it was sweet when the nice man asked the pretty lady to marry him and she said yes.

How pissed was Neil Lane when he found out he was going to Iowa?
ZWR: My man didn’t even hide his disdain! His face read “What in the f***, Harrison, this isn’t Fiji.” Clear anger. Probably couldn’t even get any coke there. Frankly, the entire state of Iowa took it on the chin this season, what with the best case scenario being “someone will look past how desolate and awful this place is to live with this fella.”

Sara Circs: The trip was so exhausting, Neil had to cancel three briefcase-openings that week.

The Evster: Neil Lane could plow an entire Iowa cornfield with his chest.

ZWR: Not gonna lie, drawing a blank. I was pretty angry I had to watch that debacle from 10-11 and missed Better Call Saul (a show I actually like watching). The Nag made this bangin Sesame Chicken for dinner and the kids literally ate none of it. What idiots.


The Evster: Text from my mom last night:

Final thoughts
ZWR: This season sucked. Why did Harrison keep calling it the “craziest ever”? Or does he just do that no matter what?


The Evster: Overall, super boring season. Chris (the farmer, not the buttsucker) was a snooze. Harrison sucked butt (obvs). Circs mailed it in. We should probably replace her with my mom for next seez (and me with a goat).

ZWR: No way shut up I love Bazooka mom.

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